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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I end the relationship or am I being selfish?

35 replies

LayLay · 09/04/2014 23:13

Hi, I'm new here and I've never done any of this before.

I don't know where to start!

I'm 24, my partner is 41 and we have a 4 year old son.

My partner and I argue a lot and he never takes the blame for his part. He calls me a bitch, tells me to shut up in front of our son or to fuck off.
I am a student and he works yet he is always short on cash. I pay all the bills, everything my son needs, I do all the cleaning, laundry (including his) ironing, playing with our son, paying my sons nursery fees and groceries. He does buy groceries as well however, the amount he has to spend is always limited to buying food that will last for a few days.

I saved £2,000 for us to buy a family car two years ago, he decided to buy a BMW knowing that it would cost a lot to run. Now, whenever the car needs to be fixed, it becomes priority and he automatically finds the money for the cost of repairs because " he can't function without his car".

I feel used, I feel like he is only with me because it benefits him. I don't understand how you can love someone yet disrespect them by calling them names.

I ESPECIALLY do not want my son to grow up and imitate his dad's behaviour. Whenever I tell him we need to talk, he gets defensive and says what for? Things are fine with us! BUT IT ISNT TO ME! I'm not happy, I'm tired of constantly fighting and arguing.

He once broke down our bedroom door during an argument but he hasn't fixed it till his day. Just a few hours ago, we had another argument.

Floor fitters came to measure my kitchen floor last week, they asked if we would remove the old flooring already on the floor, my partner said that he would do it. I asked him if he's sure ( as he always says he'll do something but never does) he confirmed that he would. I told him today that it will need to get done as they will be coming the following day. He said he wants to take a nap and that I should wake him up when I'm ready to start ( I said I would help him).

When I woke him up he started to complain saying why am I doing this? I'm suppose to be going to the gym! I'm doing their job for them, they should be doing this. I then reminded him of what he had said, he responded by saying I haven't been to the gym in two days I need to go as I was suppose to go yesterday. I then said, all you ever think about is the gym! He responded by saying did i think about going yesterday? I said yes you did. You didn't go because our son said to you "daddy your going to the gym again?

He started shouting saying I didn't finish my conversation! Why are you cutting me off, your a bitch. That's why I should be with a white girl, they don't give men grieve. I told him to go ahead as I would rather have a man who knows how to be a man. He got offended by that and started shouting even more, telling me that I'm " starting my shit again"

I'm soo tired of it all. I'm always crying, always Ill and just emotionally drained! I know I've rumbled and I probably haven't made any sense. Hopefully somebody can give me some advice on whether I'm just being young and stupid! There's soo much more but I think I've said too much already?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 09/04/2014 23:16

In what way would ending this awful relationship be selfish?

DIYapprentice · 09/04/2014 23:24

Each and every paragraph of your post, had me saying 'leave the bastard', each and every single one!!!!!!!!

Add them all up and all I have to say is leave asap!!!! He's vile to you, he's racist, and close to being a cocklodger.

Please, you deserve better and so does your son!

mummyOF4darlings · 09/04/2014 23:27

I dont think your been selfish at all he sounds like a pig and i wouldnt want my son growing up thinking its ok to talk to anyone like that let alone someone your supposed to love. Sounds like your practically acting as a single parent anyway so you may aswell be one (sorry if that sounds harsh)

Good luck, hope you find some happiness :)

Original poster
LayLay · 09/04/2014 23:30

He says that my son would miss out on having a dad if he leaves and that I would be breaking up our family which my son would never forgive me for.

We are both black. I feel like everything is always one sided with him, meaning he can do and say what he likes and it's my fault because I made him angry. Yet when I retaliate, I'm the bitch.

I feel I am being selfish because my son does love his dad

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 23:31

Wow.

You think you would be selfish for ending this? You would be protecting yourself and your son. This man is abusing you.

Do you know why he is with someone so much younger than him? Because no woman his age would give him the time of day. You were what....18?19 when you got together? With little experience of life (I mean no disrespect there, none of us do at that age) and he used that against you so that this abusive relationship is your "normal", so that you dont leave as you think everyone is like that. As for his racism, well that is just another example of his abuse. If you were a white girl then he would call you fat/skinny/ugly/stupid basically whatever he can use to hurt you.

Regarding the financial situation, what a bastard! You pay for everything so what does his money go on? Drugs, drink, gambling? You are propping up his lifestyle and that is why he doesnt want you to leave.

www.womensaid.org.uk/ These wonderful people can help you, but be careful. When abusive men think you are breaking free they can get worse so...

He may be checking up on you. From now on, if you post on MN or anywhere else to get help about this use private browsing. If you are on your phone, delete the MN history but NOT the other history (no history at all shows you know he is checking up on you).

If you call Womens Aid then delete the call on your phone and dont keep the number anywhere, dont write it down or do anything. I remember one MNer who's husband found the number she had written down, googled it and the shit hit the fan for her :(

Get your paperwork together. For you and your child, get birth certificates, passports, bank details and tenancy/mortgage details and keep them somewhere safe away from the house with someone you trust. NOT anyone to do with his family or his friends.

If you are ever frightened call the police. Dont wait until he hits you or say "I cant call, he hasnt done anything".

Keep posting, but FFS stay safe.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 23:33

I didnt realise he is also black, doesnt mean that he isnt using race as a stick to beat you with.

I feel I am being selfish because my son does love his dad

Of course he does, he knows no better. He thinks all dads terrorise their mums, break doors down, swear, shout and dont provide for their children.

You can teach him different.

DIYapprentice · 09/04/2014 23:34

Your son will only miss out on having a dad if your (hopefully soon to be x)H doesn't maintain a relationship with him.

You are not a bitch. But he is a prize winning arsehole.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness · 09/04/2014 23:35

The answer to your question in the title is yes (based on what you have said in this post).

Your partner is taking advantage of you financially, is aggressive, is in no way a good role model for your young child and his comments about your race are distrubing (especially as your child must be mixed race).

Why would you stay?

MincingOnBy · 09/04/2014 23:35

Leave him, he doesn't bring anything positive to your life. I think you will be much better off by yourself or with a decent man who you may meet in the future! He is a waste of space.

drnoitall · 09/04/2014 23:35

You're selfish to stay.
Your son needs a peaceful loving home.
You need a peaceful loving home.
He sounds like a horrible lazy bastard.
I personally, wouldn't accept what you gave discribed. Read it back to yourself, imagine it's your best friend, sister, mother, anyone you care about, what advice will you give them (yourself).
Good luck.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 23:36

I should add, my husband is black and there is no way he would treat me like this so dont be fooled into thinking this is cultural cos it isnt. My 3 sisters in law would kick this asshole to the kerb in no small way!

MexicanSpringtime · 09/04/2014 23:38

If you split he can still see his son, so why would he miss out on having a father?
Sounds like you will certainly be much better off without him, he doesn't seem to have one revindicating feature and he is expensive to boot.

borisgudanov · 09/04/2014 23:47

That is a truly magnificent example of a complete and utter twat. Getting rid of him is hardly selfish: it's essential.

Do not allow the door to hit him on the arse as he leaves: he might sue you for the damage.

Finola1step · 09/04/2014 23:56

This man adds nothing of real value to your life. Was wondering about something though. The need to go to the gym, the aggression, the money situation - is he using steroids?

YellowTulips · 10/04/2014 00:05

You are acting as a mother to 2 kids right now.

Leave the adult baby and concentrate on the child that deserves the attention and financial support.

lessonsintightropes · 10/04/2014 00:11

I would never normally say this but LTB as fast as you can. What a horrible man and what a toxic environment for both you and your son.

Original poster
LayLay · 10/04/2014 00:13

Thank you all for your advice. Deep down I have known all this for a while but family members have always made me doubt my feelings and decisions to not leave him for the sake of my son.

Finola1step not that I'm aware of. He does however smoke weed, a lot. He keeps saying he will give up but still hasn't.

It isn't just my son, it's also about his 15 year old son who has recently moved in with us because his mother no longer wants him living with her. He accused me of wanting to 'fuck' his son because I told him that his parenting approach will only make his sons behaviour worse. I.e being aggressive and using threats.

I told him to leave as the flat we live in is mine and he said he won't be going anywhere until he finds somewhere to live. I doubt he will bother to do so. I don't know what else to do

OP posts:
lessonsintightropes · 10/04/2014 00:15

PS race is utterly, utterly irrelevant here. Domestic abuse, whether it's physical, sexual, financial, emotional or other, is no respecter of race. Any person of any gender or race or whatever can abuse another one.

You sound like an intelligent, hard working and successful woman who would succeed in any part of life you'd like to, and to be able to provide a strong and happy homelife for your child.

You do not need to accept this behaviour at all.

DemonsInMyHead · 10/04/2014 00:20

Good grief. I don't usually post on these as others generally have far more valuable advice, but he sounds horrendous and I had to echo what bogeyface said.

Women's Aid will be able to advise you on how to get him out of your flat. You need rid of him, pronto.

Sparklyboots · 10/04/2014 00:29

Leave, leave, leave. You'd be doing yourself and your son a massive favour. You've got your whole life ahead of you, it could be fantastic. You could bring your son up in a loving and stable home and make a life and career for yourself out of your studies. This man is a massive dick and will only hold you back by undermining you and teach your son to be violent and disrespectful. He threatens the stability of your home and finances by through his drug use. You are literally one decision away from an amazing new chance. No one who really loves you or your son could expect you to stay.

lessonsintightropes · 10/04/2014 00:33

LayLay calling the police tonight is probably not a helpful response, although it's the one I'd like to give.

I think it would be a good start to call ShelterLine contact details and website here as a first start to getting some advice on how to remove him from your home, first thing in the morning.

It might also be a good plan to talk to a CAB or community law centre about the situation about to arise regarding contact with both his sons. If he left, would you have DSS live with you? If not, and I bet you'd feel awful about also asking him to leave, then you will need to speak to SS about getting him officially looked after by the local authority (as it sounds like your partner is also likely to shirk parental responsibility for this boy, and that his mother already has - you are a good woman to bring him into your home and help him).

You sound like you are coping amazingly well considering the circumstances, but do you also have RL support from friends and your family?

lessonsintightropes · 10/04/2014 00:33

*calling the police tonight, to get him out of your home, is what I meant to say in my first sentence.

Sparklyboots · 10/04/2014 00:34

Women's aid for advice re getting him out, OP

MyLatest · 10/04/2014 00:36

Call the police, tell them about the door and that he is abusive and threatening and you want him to leave YOUR flat. They will put him out.

He doesn't get a choice or a say in this. Don't you dare feel guilty. Your life will take off as soon as you drop this dead weight into the past. Good luck.

Monty27 · 10/04/2014 00:37

Dear Lord, I'd run like the wind!

He adopts a different culture to you, is that what you're saying? If it's not a culture or ethic you feel comfortable with, get out. He sounds awful.