Should I end the relationship or am I being selfish?

[LayLay]

Hi, I'm new here and I've never done any of this before.

I don't know where to start!

I'm 24, my partner is 41 and we have a 4 year old son.

My partner and I argue a lot and he never takes the blame for his part. He calls me a bitch, tells me to shut up in front of our son or to fuck off.
I am a student and he works yet he is always short on cash. I pay all the bills, everything my son needs, I do all the cleaning, laundry (including his) ironing, playing with our son, paying my sons nursery fees and groceries. He does buy groceries as well however, the amount he has to spend is always limited to buying food that will last for a few days.

I saved £2,000 for us to buy a family car two years ago, he decided to buy a BMW knowing that it would cost a lot to run. Now, whenever the car needs to be fixed, it becomes priority and he automatically finds the money for the cost of repairs because " he can't function without his car".

I feel used, I feel like he is only with me because it benefits him. I don't understand how you can love someone yet disrespect them by calling them names.

I ESPECIALLY do not want my son to grow up and imitate his dad's behaviour. Whenever I tell him we need to talk, he gets defensive and says what for? Things are fine with us! BUT IT ISNT TO ME! I'm not happy, I'm tired of constantly fighting and arguing.

He once broke down our bedroom door during an argument but he hasn't fixed it till his day. Just a few hours ago, we had another argument.

Floor fitters came to measure my kitchen floor last week, they asked if we would remove the old flooring already on the floor, my partner said that he would do it. I asked him if he's sure ( as he always says he'll do something but never does) he confirmed that he would. I told him today that it will need to get done as they will be coming the following day. He said he wants to take a nap and that I should wake him up when I'm ready to start ( I said I would help him).

When I woke him up he started to complain saying why am I doing this? I'm suppose to be going to the gym! I'm doing their job for them, they should be doing this. I then reminded him of what he had said, he responded by saying I haven't been to the gym in two days I need to go as I was suppose to go yesterday. I then said, all you ever think about is the gym! He responded by saying did i think about going yesterday? I said yes you did. You didn't go because our son said to you "daddy your going to the gym again?

He started shouting saying I didn't finish my conversation! Why are you cutting me off, your a bitch. That's why I should be with a white girl, they don't give men grieve. I told him to go ahead as I would rather have a man who knows how to be a man. He got offended by that and started shouting even more, telling me that I'm " starting my shit again"

I'm soo tired of it all. I'm always crying, always Ill and just emotionally drained! I know I've rumbled and I probably haven't made any sense. Hopefully somebody can give me some advice on whether I'm just being young and stupid! There's soo much more but I think I've said too much already?

I don't have many friends as I'm not allowed to spend time away from the family to be with friends. My father disowned me when I left his home at the age of 18. Having my son a year later only made things worse.

I have an aunt who lives miles away, I no longer confide in her as she says I must never call the police on the father of my child no matter what! And that I should stay for the sake of my son.

In regards to my partners son, I would want him to stay here but his dad wouldn't allow that. His son is currently out somewhere, he hasn't been home since Friday. He also doesn't like his dad.

My main priority now is to get him to leave.... I just never stay strong enough, I have in the past allowed him to return hoping that his promises of changing will happen. I guess I'm partially responsible for all of this mess

OP, please don't blame yourself at all. I am sorry your family have been unsupportive and unhelpful - is your Mum around/alive, do you have other siblings/friends? Or has this controlling man also cut off contact for you with all other support networks?

Your Aunt sounds delightful by the way . Going non-contact with her would probably be very sensible.

In that case, then you can fall back on some of the support services around that do exist. As you might have guessed from my post, I work with people in difficult situations - whilst I might not be much use unless you work in an area my current organisation covers (central London, Croydon and Lambeth boroughs) I might be able to give you some contacts from organisations that would help or at the very least some advice about how to get referred in. Very very happy to do this if it would be helpful via PM.

You can do this - you really can. I can only reiterate what Sparklyboots said above - You are literally one decision away from an amazing new chance - for both you and your son.

Drawing attention to this situation could also get the help, support and advice that only you, up til now, have been able to provide for your DSS, whose welfare I am also really worried about. I am almost certain he would qualify for supported housing for young homeless people if there is some available where you live, and can also help give you an idea of where to look for help for him. I am worried he is so young and has disappeared for so long.

You need to find help to get away. sorry for the bluntness and other people will be along, but just get away by whatever route and get both your dc's away from him too.

Lessonsintightropes I live in Croydon

Then I might well be able to put you in touch with the right organisation to give you some proper advice.

The Family Justice centre near Fairfield Halls would be the best place to start - they have a brilliant advice service and are really helpful - you can find their contact details here

Croydon Drop In also does specialist advice around housing and welfare advice issues for under 25s - contact details here If you are struggling to get a slot let me know and I will see if there's anything I can do to help. They are set up to help people in exactly your position if the family justice centre can't help - but both services work well together so if one can't help you, the other probably will be able to.

They are probably the best place to start, considering you are in your own home. If you need temporary rehousing then let me know - I can give you some advice about how to get into it - but much better to stay in your own house and get your hopefully ex-partner out of it. He doesn't have, from what you've said, any legal right to be there, and you can get rid of him via legal means - might not be pretty or straightforward but it's possible. As a last resort Croydon Women's Aid might be able to help, but either the Family Justice Centre or the Drop In would be able to get you in touch with them anyway.

TA in Croydon is generally pretty awful so it's definitely in your best interests, and those of your son, to stay where you are. This may well mean police involvement but there are some really good officers out there and the services I've mentioned are well connected with them.

Please PM me about your DSS if you need some help - I am geniunely in a position to get him into a better situation and able to advise on referral routes to the local assessment centre for young homeless people - if you can let me know when he turns 16, as the service offered is only for over 16s - otherwise it's ss. But I also have numbers for them too.

I think your situation is not a bad one - you're in an area with some poor TA but some good services for women who need to stay in their own home.

So so happy to provide more info if there's anything I can do to help.

I'm not one for the LTB knee jerk. But you just need to get out of this.

Focus on the how, not the if.

If you have no family or friends that can help, google - there is help for this kind of situation.

I don't do kisses either , but I wish you the very best xx

Op there is knowing what you should do and then there is doing it, you've had an amazing offer of help and advice, please do not talk yourself out of it this time.

Think about it the other way round. Like Sparklyboots said you are so close to a fantastic, successful, loving and secure life for you and your DS. Could you choose to deny him that and stay with this prick?

Why are you with a broke old, rude man??!? Leave now

You will soon find a lovely man your age. Get rid