Pregnant, partner seems to hate me, don't know what to do

[jaykay34]

Hi

I posted on here a few weeks ago. I basically found out I was pregnant really unexpectedly (was on cerazette, so periods erratic and had no symptoms) and went for a dating scan to find out I was 15 weeks ! I am still in shock now and its not ideal as I have 11 year old twins so thought my baby days were over - but after seeing such a well developed little person on screen, there is no way I could have a termination.

Anyway, my partner (who is not my twins dad and is usually really great and supportive in situations) said he would support whatever decision I made, first seemed really uncomfortable with it ie not physically affectionate / not talking about it - but I put this down to shock.

Then a week ago he was being abrupt and moody so I asked what was wrong and he had a meltdown saying I'd ruined his life, he's too old to have a baby ( he has an 18 year old daughter and would be 42 when my one is born) that he would have to work till he's 80 and he felt sick thinking about it. This led to me crying for hours and he was quite sweet and hugged me and made a comment that I should poison him with arsenic. I gave him the option to leave me, said I'm not the type to ram him with maintenance or make him out to be a bad person, and that the last thing I wanted was him to be unhappy and fell burdoned. We both haownour own houses, bit he always stays at mine - so its not like he would be destitute - but he wouldnt go as he said he loved me and it wasnt what he wanted.

Since that day, we have not spoken about it at all. There were a couple of other dramas such as my Grandad being I'll and my cat going missing which gave us another focus..but now they have both had happy endings we are now stuck in a rut of not talking about the baby, being unaffectionate and the atmosphere being strained.

Up until the pregnancy, he has been a really great partner...we have been like best friends. He is brilliant dad to his own daughter and a greatstep dad to my kids - they think the world of him. So did I, I truly loved him and still do - but his unsupportiveness has left a big hole in my heart.

I know hes in shock...but I have been too. To find out you have done a whole ttrimester without knowing is quite frightening. when I went for the scan, I thought I would only be a few weeks along and that I wouldn't actully see anything. I went on my own and didn't even get a scan photo..I was so dazed by it all.

I feel so confused and alone. I don't know what to say to him anymore.

Its like we are strangers. I feel like he hates me.

God, he's a prince among men, isn't he?

Maybe give him time as he is probably in shock.

Yeah, bless him, give him some time to give you some Hate. You know, whilst you carry his child.

That is a big shock, for the both of you. You need to bring up this very important subject if he's just going to continue refusing to speak. You cannot live in limbo at a time like this.

Although he is being unfair, shock does do some crazy things to us. I decided I wasnt going to go through ttc again and was not going to have anymore children due to lots of heartache. It was a big shock for me once I made that decision and took me a long time to come to terms when i found i was pregnant, even though I was the one carrying the baby and going to the scans and feeling all the changes.

Some men, wrongly or rightly, take a very long time to accept information like this and many say and in my own experience that women become mothers when they find out they are pregnant and men become fathers when the baby is born. For some, this is true.

However, waiting to see how he feels once the baby is here is not ideal and you need to be sure of what is going on and how he is feeling.
Would taking him to a scan help? When, like you have, he sees that developed little human you both created it might make it feel a bit different for him and a bit more resposnible and caring.

How do feel about trying to talk it through with him?

Try to find out his feelings since your initial conversation.

Congratulations btw...

Understandably you are both stunned, he can rail and rant but it's not like you did this by yourself! I am sorry things have gone this way, don't assume the worst - he has been a decent partner up until now.

If DP loves you, and if he wants a future with you, he will accept this and stand by you. If he doesn't then I regret he's not the man you thought he was.

It changed his life. Whether it is ruined - that's up to him!

He could have used condoms and done other things to lesser chances of you getting pregnant. He decided not to and now both of you are going to cope with consequences.

Words he said hurt and you won't forget them.

You've decided what you are doing. Look after yourself and your kids. He isn't good at managing his emotions.
Money from maintenance are for your baby and nit you so don't give up on any.

Well he's not unusually old and will be 60 when it's 18, so retiring at 65 will see the child comfortably through university, so he's being silly on that front.

I'm sure it's a huge shock but he needs to get past that and maybe has now. Time to try another conversation?

You need to know where you stand in good time to make preparations.

So his DD is 18. I take it he realises parenthood is not something that stops when DC leave their teen years? Let's hope he has a long and happy life - if he worries he won't be around to see this baby grow into adulthood, or make him a grandfather - well, DCs have their own lives.

And who knows what he might learn, and gain, from taking an active part in this baby's life.

Second time around for both of you - so whatever stress you each felt the first time, you're both experienced parents.

I hope he can talk to you soon. Nobody pregnant deserves extra stress at this time.

Sorry if this sounds pessimistic - work out your finances and the practicalities and plan as if DP isn't going to be with you.

42 being 'too old' is a massive overreaction and an insult!
His behavior most likely to be down to shock/adjustment, probably not hating you...
Don't let it go on unspoken. You need to resolve your feelings, and talk properly, he could come around...
(adoption??)

Poor you. If he really didn't want more children he should have had the snip...

I think you're going to have to encourage him to talk, if not to you, then at least to someone to get it straight in his head. Can you have a second scan, even if done privately, with him there so it becomes more real to him?

That's probably no help. Have a handhold instead.

Thanks for your replies.

I am keeping open on the future and aware I might face it alone. I know my partner and I need a serious discussion, I'm just finding it difficult to broach the subject.

There is no way I will stay with him for the sake of it...or to sit there hoping blindly that it will all work out. If his attitude is the same and he really means what he said, then I don't want to be with him. His reaction has really tainted what I think about him - I'm not really sure if we have a future.

I feel like he's acted entirely selfishly...he hasn't even asked me if I'm ok or how I'm feeling.

I guess at some over the next few days, I am going to have to be brave and have the conversation with him...then look at how I move forward, whether its with him or on my own.

Thanks again for the responses - its given me lots of different angles to think about.

Are you going to give yourself a deadline? And if so, will you tell him?

He is probably in shock. And his life will be massively changed but so will yours. You have made the decision to keep the child. I think he will probably come round to the idea if he isn't actually being actively hostile to the thought of having a baby in the house. If he is usually sensible and kind I think things will work out.

Two things.

1. Even though our first baby was planned, I didn't realise how abstract and weird a concept she was in DP's mind until he came to a scan. As soon as he saw her on the ultrasound, his hand shot out and touched my bump and he caught his breath. She hadn't been his daughter to him until then, just a life-changing concept that he was stoically gearing up to adjust to.

1. You're both in massive shock: be there for one another. There will be what-ifs and worries and wobbles: let them happen. When I'm stressed or anxious, I say some loopy shit to my DP that sounds melodramatic and extreme. I don't mean it. They are the words I'm left with in my head after a day of worrying too much, and I need to get those words out of my head to make way for sensible ones. He lets me get them out without taking them personally or seriously.

If you're both too shocked to listen impartially to each others' worries, are there others you can both talk to? Sometimes you just really need to rant to another pair of ears while you process the situation you're in and come round to facing it calmly.

I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and you're feeling okay.

If having another child would ruin his life he should have had a vasectomy. He didn't though, did he? He is blaming you, and only you,when he was there at the conception too.
And if I were you, I would be very wary of saying he has the option to leave you and not even pay maintenance. This is his child too, and you mgiht feel very differently about the maintenance if you find yourself having to go it alone.
OP-congratulations on your pregnancy. You and your children will be fine, but this man, I am sorry to say, sounds like an unbelievably selfish twat.
As you say, you are in shock too, but you are not taking it out on him. You need support, not hostility.
Good luck, and don't for one second feel like you have to just take what he is doing to you.

I hope to have a proper discussion with him within the next few days...not going to plan it too much, as things never seem to go to plan -,so will have to naturally say something.

If I can gauge whether he actually meant his words and really is just a selfish ar*sehole, or if it was heat of the moment melodrama - will definitely help me decide whether it's worth moving forward with him.

I really need to get this out in the open - I've developed a tiny bump over the past few days which I am managing to hide at the moment - but its not going to stay hidden for much longer ! I've told my two best friends - but nobody else - so my family and work colleagues have no awareness. I feel reluctant to tell them with everything hanging in the air. However, I feel like I should really be getting organised and sorting my house out / making plans for the baby etc to make it a bit more real for me.

I hate being secretive - at this rate, I feel I'll be about 6 months pregnant by the time anybody knows.

Thanks again for listening and for the advice and support.

OP I can empathise with this post but mainly with your partner's stance. I found out I was pg after believing for years I wouldn't be able to conceive. I had just moved into DP's house (still got mine) and although I had never wanted children felt that unless there was something seriously wrong with the foetus I had to bring it into the world.

My DP said the decision was mine but he was actually more in favour of having the child than I was. My concerns were our ages (both were 40 when DD was born), my job security and future career opportunities, finances, loss of freedom and loss of independence. The only way to describe it was "the sky was falling in Chicken Licken!" Add the hormones into the mix and I was horrendous to DP and said some awful things.

Basically the shock, realisation of what was happening and fear about the future meant I spiralled into antenatal depression. I'm not saying this is your DP obviously but I totally understand his reaction. This isn't something he ever expected or wanted either.

You do need to sit down with him and discuss this calmly. If you do have the baby then he is financially responsible and there isn't any question about that. He sounds to me like he is very frightened about what is happening. He clearly had his future mapped out and now a baby coming along has just pulled that rug from under his feet. I don't think he sounds like a bad man just someone who is in shock and struggling to come to terms with what is going on.

FWIW I struggled every day of the pregnancy but once I held my little girl I knew it was the right thing. I hope it will be like this for your DP too. You do need to talk though and make some plans and, like someone said up thread, it would be good to take him to a scan so he can actually see the baby he has helped make.

Thanks Xenadog - I was kind of hoping for a response like yours - just to make me understand his viewpoint a little.

I have to accept, I am very hormonal at the moment so in my head I feel like I am this rejected and unsupported person. Usually, my partner is great with me - I have had some tough times since we got together - and he's normally been the type of person that knows what to say and is very comforting. Infact, I realise I have taken this for granted as I expected him to be like this when I found out I was pregnant. When I went for the scan, I was in complete shock and a consultant was speaking to me afterwards about the options and I said that as I was so far gone I would keep it, but it would take some time to get my head around. She asked how my partner would feel and I said something like "oh he's great and will be really supportive either way"....as that was what I was expecting. I guess I wanted him to say "this will all work out" and put any of my fears to rest. Unfortunately, he acted in a way that was completely different and I have ended up feeling confused.

I think he did have his life mapped out - he has a very particular trade which has died out in the local area and he travels a 2 hour journey to work everyday. It pays well and he can warrant the travel - but his plan was to work there until he pays off his mortgage (in 5 years), then get a lower paid job locally.

(The thing is, I also work - and have a reasonably well paid career in the public sector - so its not like we would financially have to rely on him. )

He has an issue about being in his 50s with a 10 year old kid - he thinks he will be too old to do anything with it. I did try and explain that my children have loads of friends with parents in their 50s - but he said that he thinks the ideal age to have children is in your 20s.

I will see if he wants to come to the next scan...I feel too awkward at the moment to ask, but it will be 3 weeks away so hopefully we have moved forward a bit by then.

I am finding the whole not talking about it thing weird - but then I am not exactly talking about it either.

Thanks again for your response.

so its not like we would financially have to rely on him.

These comments worry me. He has fathered a child and so would be financially supporting his child, not you.

I agree with Logg1e - what if you can't work due to unplanned circumstances - would you cope financially then?

I see what you mean - and I know that he should financially support his own child (and its not about me).

However, I am used to coping financially - my twin's dad does not work (refused to so he would get legal aid for family court and so he didn't have to pay maintenance - also didn't help that he got convicted for a crime after we split and put on the sex offenders register - so he's pretty unemployable now) and I used to get £5 PW from his JSA paid into my account via the CSA. This stopped when he got done for benefit fraud and I now get nothing. Not that the £5 was that helpful - but a judge ordered that he should contribute something !!

So I am quite independent when it comes to bringing up my children and supporting myself - i used to find it hard to accept gifts/ meals / trips out when I got with my current partner and he insisted it was all at his expense.

I understand that I'm lucky at the moment - and have been lucky enough throughout the twins childhood so far, to be in a position where we live quite comfortably. I don't have huge outgoings - I've not accumulated debt.

I do understand that anything can happen and you can't predict the future. I work with the unemployed so have seen what can happen to people and how financial situations can change; and accept that in the current climate it could happen to me. So its fair to say that at the moment - yes, I can financially support the baby and hopefully will in the future - but I'm not naive enough to think that life will always be that plain sailing as finances and job security can be unpredictable.

I really understand that financial point of view OP. But this man doesn't sound anything like your workshy, sex offending, ex. If he's half the man you describe he will want to take full responsibility for his child's upbringing.

Well only time will tell Logg1e - and hopefully sooner than later.

I'm really angry with him at the moment and it's easy for the transference to creep in and me to think in my mind that he's just like the ex.

Emotionally, I feel like there's a lot to be repaired now in order for this to work between us - and don't know if I'm being unfair to base all my feelings on his reaction to the pregnancy - rather than think of all the good things that have happened during our relationship. In amongst all my angst and negativity, there is still the point that he is entitled to a reaction - and if its not all great and rosy to him (which it obviously isn't ) - it's probably better that he's expressed it rather than pretended it's all ok in his head, and living a lie to keep me happy.

One thing, is that he is actually obviously prepared to financially support the baby as he has said he will have to continue working away for longer than he planned - and work until he's 80 - so I doubt he will duck out of that responsibility.

It's whether we can realistically stay together that's the real issue - I'm now resentful towards him and that seems to be reciprocated.

What a mess ...

I would suggest you tell him to sod off for a bit and surround yourself with supportive friends and family. You need to make it clear that it's not just about him deciding what happens: you get to choose whether you're happy to have a resentful, whining man about the house during your pregnancy and early motherhood. He may well 'need time' to get over the shock, but that doesn't mean he gets to mistreat you while he's doing it, let him go and tantrum in his own house.