Pregnant, partner seems to hate me, don't know what to do

[jaykay34]

Hi

I posted on here a few weeks ago. I basically found out I was pregnant really unexpectedly (was on cerazette, so periods erratic and had no symptoms) and went for a dating scan to find out I was 15 weeks ! I am still in shock now and its not ideal as I have 11 year old twins so thought my baby days were over - but after seeing such a well developed little person on screen, there is no way I could have a termination.

Anyway, my partner (who is not my twins dad and is usually really great and supportive in situations) said he would support whatever decision I made, first seemed really uncomfortable with it ie not physically affectionate / not talking about it - but I put this down to shock.

Then a week ago he was being abrupt and moody so I asked what was wrong and he had a meltdown saying I'd ruined his life, he's too old to have a baby ( he has an 18 year old daughter and would be 42 when my one is born) that he would have to work till he's 80 and he felt sick thinking about it. This led to me crying for hours and he was quite sweet and hugged me and made a comment that I should poison him with arsenic. I gave him the option to leave me, said I'm not the type to ram him with maintenance or make him out to be a bad person, and that the last thing I wanted was him to be unhappy and fell burdoned. We both haownour own houses, bit he always stays at mine - so its not like he would be destitute - but he wouldnt go as he said he loved me and it wasnt what he wanted.

Since that day, we have not spoken about it at all. There were a couple of other dramas such as my Grandad being I'll and my cat going missing which gave us another focus..but now they have both had happy endings we are now stuck in a rut of not talking about the baby, being unaffectionate and the atmosphere being strained.

Up until the pregnancy, he has been a really great partner...we have been like best friends. He is brilliant dad to his own daughter and a greatstep dad to my kids - they think the world of him. So did I, I truly loved him and still do - but his unsupportiveness has left a big hole in my heart.

I know hes in shock...but I have been too. To find out you have done a whole ttrimester without knowing is quite frightening. when I went for the scan, I thought I would only be a few weeks along and that I wouldn't actully see anything. I went on my own and didn't even get a scan photo..I was so dazed by it all.

I feel so confused and alone. I don't know what to say to him anymore.

Its like we are strangers. I feel like he hates me.

I was thinking similar to SGB that really there's a deadline here, and that you and the child's needs need to take priority over his wishes. The practicalities as well as the emotional support?

Op I had two children and found myself pregnant with number three, husband not particulary happy, but accepting of it. When however he found out that number 3 was in fact numbers 3 & 4 he went into a state of shock, fury and basically panic.
For several weeks after "the news" he would look at me with horror and almost dislike as if I'd purposely engineered it to be having two instead of one just to punish him.
Everyone else was thrilled for me and full of congratulations for us both.

Quite honestly he was off hand throughout the whole pregnancy, and only came to his senses when he was handed these two beautiful babies.

He is a good man a wonderful father and to this day he cannot put into words how he felt, and why he felt that way. He can only say that, it felt like he had lost control of everything, felt blindsided and panicky because it was something he hadn't anticipated and planned for, and I as "the producer" of the situation and his nearest and dearest, took the brunt of his moods and resentment.

Not fair, but it happened, and he has been a perfectly loving husband and very committed father ever since.
He doted on the twins and was terribly hands on with them, far more than the older ones.

My guess OP is that it is such a shock for him it will take time, to adjust but as other posters have said to go to the scans with you may be helpful and to make him face up to reality and to deal with it instead of pretending it is your "problem"

Good Luckx

it felt like he had lost control of everything - I am really sorry to comment on that but how much control has he got over his life now? Or ever had?

If we EVER reflect over it we only have control over our emotions and reactions.

IMHO saying what I quoted is an excuse for being not thoughtful and mindful of others around us!

How long have you and your partner been together OP?

Jay, congratulations firstly. I think you sound totally switched on with the situation and are under no illusion as to how he has reacted, I think you are right, he's not been supportive at all, in fact, he's distanced himself from you, yes it was a shock for him, mores o for you I'd say considering it's you who has to carry the child.

Give him the benefit of the doubt though and have that long chat, but it doesn't look good to me, doesn't mean he can't be a great dad even if you two are not a couple.

elizalovelace We have been together 18 months (so not that long) but have known each other for 13 years ! I know his family really well, and have been close friends with his brothers wife since I was about 19. Before we got together, we were really close friends for about a year and it was on the cards we would get together - but I was quite damaged from my bad experiences with my children's dad and it took me a long time to be able to trust him enough to get in a relationship. So although the relationship is newish and we were still in a honeymoon phase - there's more history there. That's another reason I feel so let down and angry at him - I really thought I knew him.

*oldwomaninashoe" Thank you for sharing that with me - I felt sure that there must be other men who react like this ! I really think though, that I can't wait until the baby's born to see whether he adjusts to it then - this is absolutely doing my head in. I know its not fair to pressure him - I just can't live in this uncertainty.

jan45 Thanks - I think he will be a great dad in the end whether we stay together or not. He's good with his daughter and my kids - I don't think he would end up hating this baby forever.

I can see why you will feel resentful and this will need to be resolved as resentment destroys relationships.It is a relatively new relationship so whilst you feel you know its still early days so you are wise to be cautious. Does he feel you 'tricked' him into pg? He has obviously avoided fatherhood for the last 18years so I guess he assumed it wouldn't happen.If he was really against fatherhood he needed to take control of his fertility but that's a little late now.

Has he told anyone? Does he have someone to confide in? I think if he had a good friend this might help, someone giving him balance.I was pregnant in my early 40's after having children in my 20s.I felt so old and insecure even though it was a planned pregnancy.Telling people and hearing good reactions help to reassure so hopefully this will be temporary and he will be back to being supportive.

I think he knows that I wouldn't trick him into getting pregnant as I have been quite clear that I didn't want more children - but he did say that its all down to me being "careless" with my pill. I have forgotten to take them on time on occasions - but I've always been like that and not got pregnant before. I know it's not an excuse and I'm 34, so should know better - I guess I've learnt my lesson and I have to take responsibility for the fact that I have been careless in a "it won't happen to me" way.

He has got friends, and a brother close in age who had a child in his late thirties (planned though ) - but I don't think he has told anyone. I wish he would - as I think you are right in that it would help him. He's internalising everything at the moment.

(Very) Minor Update

Last night, partner decided that he was going to go for a drink with friends. He wanted me to go, but I refused - I really felt we should have some time apart, if only for a few hours. He wasn't going to go but I managed to convince him.
He came to mine after - and was a bit merry, but not completely drunk. He did actually ask me if I had told my Mum about the baby (I'm close to my mum and he knows I share a lot with her but I haven't mentioned the baby to her yet) - so I answered no and he was surprised. He then said I shouldn't be going round hiding it as people have to know !!
I was a bit confused by this - considering the last few weeks have been about him burying his head in the sand. He then talked about what my kid's reaction will be to it - and said how motherly he thinks my daughter will be, and that the cat will end up being jealous by how much attention the baby gets.

As he had been drinking, I didn't feel it was the place to have a long, meaningful conversation - I just decided to let him carry on talking at his pace. Perhaps I'm just gutless and it was a missed opportunity to express my views - but I felt it was best to see what his input was.

Anyway, he did make some comments like he's got a strong feeling it will be a boy (so he must have been thinking about it).

Although I let him off the hook by not questioning him and telling him what I thought - it's paved the way for me to say something over this weekend. I think he is slowly preparing himself for it and has given it some thought.

This has made me feel mildly better as at least the baby is being acknowledged now and I feel more comfortable to bring it up.

Have you actually talked about it? Or have you spent the last fortnight not mentioning it at all?

We spent the past fortnight (since he made the "ruined my life" comments) not mentioning it at all.

I can't really blame him solely for that - as I could have said something but haven't. After his outburst, I haven't known what to say - I've gone in to some sort of denial myself. Its been made easier in the fact that at work/ infront of the kids/ infront of my family/ with the majority of my friends I'm just acting as if it's not happening. I'm typing this and feeling like it's absolute madness - I did have an appointment with my midwife yesterday and told her (about the whole denial thing). She said if I had found out earlier, I would have had weeks to mentally prepare and it wouldn't sound so strange. She also thought my partners reaction was more normal than I thought and that he would probably come round especially if I take him to the next scan. She thinks we are both in extreme shock.

I thought Friday night showed a positive shift in his thinking.

With respect jay guess the old "It won't happen to me" line of thinking won't rear its head again.

It's been rocky (understatement) but seems to me DP is coming round.

So actually you don't know what he's been doing the last two weeks. You don't know that he was "burying his head in the sand". He could equally have been "coming to terms with it" or "accepting" or "planning".

You really need to talk.

That's right Logg1e.... I've assumed he's buried his head in the sand because usually he's quite proactive and sorts things out by talking. So I am probably wrong to have made that assumption.

We do need the talk - but we have spent the majority of today apart. I think we both knew it was necessary, to sort things out in pur minds away from each other. We both know a talk is inevitable and it can be hard as we spend so much time together.

Writing on here has really helped - and actually made me realise that I am also part of the problem. I'm expecting him to know how I feel and be supportive, when I'm not actually being forthcoming at all.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles - yes Friday has been a bit of a shift...but still a long way to go.

And yes the "won't happen to me" thing has well and truly come back and bit me ! I have made it sound like I'm really careless by that post..what I meant is that if I accidentally forgot a pill or was out of the 12 hour window (I don't make a habit of it, but occasionally do forget), I wouldn't have been at all bothered or assumed I could get pregnant as surely I'd have to ovulate again. I have a friend who I always think is overly precautious about it - she's got the morning after pill before when she's had sex but missed a pill. I now realise that I should have been more like her. Its a harsh lesson to learn. Especially at my age, when I feel like an absolute fool !

If it's any consolation I bet when you have your "twins' Mum" hat on it's the sort of thing you would drum into them. I occasionally found myself laying down the law to my DCs thinking what an almighty hypocrite.

Anyhow glad you were able to talk freely with your mw. Hopefully you can soon air things with DP.

Thanks !

And yes, the sensible twins mum's hat does leave me feeling like an almighty hypocrite at times too ! Even more so now !

Update

Thanks to all who replied to this thread when I wrote it a month ago - since then, life has really turned around.

We carried on not really communicating until ag the end of April I had a bleed. Partner was really worried and I got hospitalised overnight...but I was still in stroppy non-forgiveness mode for his initial comments and did not let him attend the hospital with me until the next morning.

Everything was ok and fine with baby, and DP seemed quite happy and relieved.

We then had the 20 week scan, which he attended - and I think this was a real turning point for him. We found out that baby is a boy and straight after the scan he bought a few bits for him.

Both of our families now know and are over the moon, so there is a lot of excitement around us.

It took a long time, but I can honestly say we are a lot more positive about it and I realise that we were probably both in shock. When I reflect on my own behaviour...I was as bad as him - especially when I refused to let him come up the hospital.

Thanks again for the support.

Glad for the good news!

Congratulations

:)

There is a phrase used often on MN, In Vino Veritas. It basically means that the person you see when someone has had a skin full is the real them, their real feelings, their real self because the alcohol has stripped away the veneer that we all put up in normal (sober) life. So a man who batters his wife when he is drunk is a violent woman hater who just manages to keep a lid on it when he is sober.

In this case, he was happy and excited about the baby when he was drunk and when I read that I thought that he really meant it. I am very very glad to see that I am right!

Congratulations :)

Thanks all.

Bogeyface - that is so true...I've thought similar theories in the past about other people...but was a bit too blinkered in this situation to be able to relate it.

He's actually really excited about it now and literally cannot wait for September. It's been a real turnaround !