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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has told me he doesn't like DSIS and BIL's company.

48 replies

Highonahilltop · 09/04/2014 09:23

I just don't know how to handle this one. My sister and I are very close and she recently came to stay for a weekend with her husband and my DN's. DH has a bit of previous with them (wine induced tension behind our closed door with ranty opinions about what one of them said). This time he was hissing at me in the corridor a couple of times to tell them to do/not do something, was rude to my BIL and then proceeded to have a big rant about 'those people' and their manners once we were in our room. He was also outraged that my DSIS had 'commandeered' my fave jumper for their daytrip the next day even though I had entirely offered it to her and apparently BIL and I had been exchanging 'knowing looks' (I think he thought we'd been talking about him). All seems bonkers to me but he was angry about it all.

A bit of context: DH's family are not especially close. They see each other reasonably often but seem (to me) to keep each other a bit at arms length. Their father is not great and, IMHO, this has resulted in DH being a bit aggro and glass half empty sometimes. I like his family although they are very different to my family (and the adoration/pedestal worship of DH from MIL gets a bit irritating but I ignore it). My family are close and tight knit even though we don't see each other very often. DH has previously had a rant about me and BIL having a laugh, flirting and 'exchanging looks' - this baffles me as I have never/would never so much as look at another man in THAT way and I thought DH knew this (and told him as much).

We had a talk about the weekend and DH is adamant that DSIS talks down to him, that BIL ignores him, and he doesn't like their company. I just really can't see it. He played down his various hissy fits as his reaction to the way they treat him "I have to be myself, you can't expect me to not react to being spoken to like that in my own house". DSIS and BIL are confident people and are warm and very friendly. They have large social groups and are always offering to help/lend us stuff and, IMO, are very good decent people. All my friends like my sister so it's not just me. I can see that they talk a lot and do have opinions on everything (mostly justified - they have interesting lives) but to me, if someone your other half loves is irritating to you, you ride it out and find ways to ignore the irritating bits. DH's suggested solution is to be to be honest with them next time and tell them they can't talk down to him. I genuinely don't believe that they look down on him - they are always asking after him and are very interested in what he does and DNs adore him.

This probably all sounds a bit over dramatic but I feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I can't have my family to stay because I just can't bear treading on eggshells with DH. I think this has been brewing for a while - we've been married 3 years, together 6 and are both in our 30's. I don't know if he's jealous of the closeness we have or what it is but I feel incredibly sad about it all. I just can't seem to get though to him and I have no idea what to tell DSIS (she will have noticed the atmosphere) that wont upset her. I can't not have my sister in my life. I want our kids to have the family holidays we had growing up with our cousins and it looks like that can't happen.

I'm sorry for the long post (sorry sorry... waaaay too long) and thank you for sticking with me. Any advice?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2014 09:31

Given that you don't see your DSis very often my suggestion would be that you tell him to grow up, straighten his face and be a good host for the occasional weekend that they are there. If he disagrees with their opinion then debate it rather than hissing at you in corridors.... how does that solve anything? Don't tread on eggshells. What you're expecting is just basic good manners.

BranchingOut · 09/04/2014 09:35

Oh my word...

Your DH's reactions are quite OTT, but somewhere in it all he is clearly upset about something.

You say that your sister and BIL are very confident and chatty - does DH get room to speak? Is there a social class difference that might be causing problems?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2014 09:42

OP, just because you don't think that they talk down to him doesn't mean that they don't.

Tex111 · 09/04/2014 09:43

It sounds like your DH feels intimidated by your sister and BIL. Maybe he's jealous of the closeness you share and/or your ability to be close to them. It seems like his family may have issues with intimacy (by that I just mean close, personal relationships) and he envies the ability to form those kinds of relationships. Often when someone feels belittled it's just a reflection of their own insecurity or lack of self esteem.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like it could be something you and DH can work through.

Original poster

Highonahilltop · 09/04/2014 09:43

Cognito that is my default opinion but he says he's just end up having a fight with them (not sure how they'd react but I know he'd go straight in quite aggressively - he can't seem to just talk normally when annoyed). I'd like to see them more! No social class difference. It seems to me he's not used to people being genuinely comfortable and relaxed around each other. He seems to want 'best behaviour/royal visit' type situation which some of his family foster but I just hate that. Not that DSIS is rude, far from it, she is just relaxed with us which I love. He frequently misunderstands gentle teasing from people. I just wish he'd chill out and we'd not have him seemingly misunderstanding everything or taking offence. BranchingOut you might be onto something but I just have no idea what it is. He does get a chance to speak but I suspect doesn't feel listened to (possibly because my family aren't as fawning as his?)

OP posts:

ZeroSomeGameThingy · 09/04/2014 09:45

I truly hate to say this but, yes, as BranchingOut suggests, everything you've written suggests that your DH is feeling some sort of "inferiority" in their company.

Because, for once, it doesn't sound as if his motivation is control and isolation of you - just that he feels extremely rattled when your smart, confident(?) relatives are around.

Do you think that might be it?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2014 09:47

"He frequently misunderstands gentle teasing from people."

You seem to be putting your understanding of a situation before his feelings about them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2014 09:55

His feelings are valid but the way he is addressing it is not. If someone is teasing him and he doesn't like it then he should be able to say 'don't talk to me like that' and deal with it assertively. Also, you should fully support that kind of statement OP and not expect him to put up with teasing. Certainly do not appear to be taking the side of your family over him. If he doesn't like someone's opinion he should be able to say he disagrees. On the one hand he's behaving too passively and choosing to hiss in corridors and have a go at you OP... on the other you say he reacts with aggression. Neither are a mature way to handle guests.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2014 10:03

It doesn't help that DSis and BiL seem to be held in such high regard that they can do no wrong.

Original poster

Highonahilltop · 09/04/2014 10:14

BoneBack you make me sad. They aren't perfect - far from it but my outlook is to take people as they are and work with that. I love them, I accept them (and ignore when they go on and on and on about whatever they are excited about and I call it out when it gets extreme). I also do that with DH's family, and try very hard with his very difficult father. (I am far from perfect.. we both work at our marriage, talk things through, love each other and have lots of fun). I guess I let things bother me a lot less than he does but yes, his feelings are valid.

I think that's it Cogito he lets it wind him up, says nothing and then later becomes aggro with me out of sight.

Thank you all very much for reading and helping me gather my thoughts - lots of very helpful input.

We'll try and talk some more later.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/04/2014 11:11

I might tell DSis that DH is quite insecure at heart and has got it into his head she & BIL don't think he's good enough for you. He is prickly and on edge because he loves you very much and gets defensive because he feels intimidated.

I don't know what goes on in DH's head but to me his carping about the supposed bond between you and your BIL is scraping the barrel and just heaping on the opprobrium. If you hadn't met DH these would be your family and a source of pleasure. He is at the top of the tree and everyone else is secondary but he can't expect you to cut everyone else out. Life isn't like that.

You could agree a pact. You will limit those times when the four of you get together under your roof with or without DNs and he will be cordial and civil. If after a couple of hours he uses an agreed codeword you will let him off the hook ie he can 'run an errand' and scarper. And the same applies with you and his family, naturally.

Deathwatchbeetle · 09/04/2014 16:49

Let's not forget that on mumsnet there are a lot of posts from women who feel their in laws have ganged up against them and their hubbie does not support them or thinks they are idiots for thinking that way. You get on well with sis and Bil, you probably aren't 'seeing it'. Maybe somethings might seem like sly digs to him?

It is a problem though if he thinks you and Bil have been giving each other 'knowing looks'.

Firstly check if he is having an affair - that's a classic there, almost insinuating you are having one with Bil. Then if not, be discreet, but just see if anything jokey thing sis or Bil say to him can be taken wrongly in anyway. What passes for jokey to one may be a cruel sly dig to someone else. Or perhaps he is a bit depressed.

Does he usually feel people are judging him/picking on him/slighting him? My gran thought everyone was having a go at her. Made Christmas lots of fun. Cue most of us mugging for the camera, but her with her 'face' on.

Holdthepage · 09/04/2014 17:26

So you have put up with his DM fawning over him & putting him on a pedestal, his difficult father but he is ranting about your family while they are in your house visiting. He sounds petulant & childish.

If you don't stand up for your DSis & Bil he will ruin your relationship with them.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 09/04/2014 17:58

One of my BILs is like this. He has alienated my sister from her whole family and had become emotionally abusive to her.
Sorry OP but I would be very wary of letting him push your family away.

happyhev · 09/04/2014 18:02

What's he like with your friends, does he like them or is he critical, and what about your parents is he happy for them to visit?

BranchingOut · 09/04/2014 18:02

Maybe having them stay is too much for him? Could they stay in a b and b or self-catering?

Bowlersarm · 09/04/2014 18:10

He should put your feelings first.

You don't see them very often. You love your DSis very much. He should act more maturely and be a bit more grown up about the whole thing, and suck it up for your sake. Probably best he doesn't drink whilst they're with you either, if alcohol has a tendency to make him more tense with them.

Don't let him cause a problem between you and your sister, if you feel it is an unjustified situation he is creating.

badbaldingballerina123 · 09/04/2014 18:29

What form does this gentle teasing take ?

wordfactory · 09/04/2014 18:43

OP, it's tricky.

My family are also very tight knit and relaxed in each others company. My DH finds it all a bit stifling.

In the beginning, I used to think he just had to suck it up, but as the years went on I can see that that wasn't actually fair, that I couldn't foist my familiy and their ways onto him especially in his own home.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary · 09/04/2014 18:58

Is it just your diss and dbil? Or does he do it when you have friends around too?

MooncupGoddess · 09/04/2014 19:07

He sounds oversensitive; but being teased by people you don't like is incredibly annoying. Can you ask them privately not to do this? And perhaps go on the occasional visit to them by yourself rather than taking him along too?

TypicaLibra · 09/04/2014 19:09

OP, so much of what you write about your DH sounds exactly like my XH, such as:

He frequently misunderstands gently teasing from people

DH is adamant that X talks down to him, that Y ignores him, and he doesn't like their company

It seems to me he's not used to people being genuinely comfortable and relaxed around each other

My Ex thought of himself as having a sense of humour but as far as I could tell he could not do banter. He was forever telling me that I was really rude to so-and-so, and that I didn't respect him (Ex). In the end I found it quite draining and cut down a lot on the socialising because he was so over-sensitive. I could tell him 'till I was blue in the face that A wasn't talking down to him, or B wasn't ignoring him, or C wasn't being rude, but it didn't work - he had such a fragile ego.

How is your DH with other people? Friend? Colleagues? Does he mix with people generally well? Mine didn't.

LEtranger · 09/04/2014 19:27

Hmm, this one makes me feel uneasy. My ex-H's first step in his mission to isolate me (and so prevent me from having anywhere to go when he mistreated me) was to drive a wedge between me and my family. It was all imagined slights, people having treated him unfairly, and yes he was always misinterpreting people's behaviour as in someway offensive to him. Is he controlling in any other way? If not, I may be completely wide of the mark.

TheVictorian · 09/04/2014 19:51

May be he misunderstands them or feels inferior to them and rather than see things from their point of view or understand them better he just says that he does not like them.

MexicanSpringtime · 09/04/2014 20:18

Yes, only you can say, OP, but have the same concern as LEtranger, Does he find fault with your friends and the other people you love?

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