DH has told me he doesn't like DSIS and BIL's company.

[Highonahilltop]

I just don't know how to handle this one. My sister and I are very close and she recently came to stay for a weekend with her husband and my DN's. DH has a bit of previous with them (wine induced tension behind our closed door with ranty opinions about what one of them said). This time he was hissing at me in the corridor a couple of times to tell them to do/not do something, was rude to my BIL and then proceeded to have a big rant about 'those people' and their manners once we were in our room. He was also outraged that my DSIS had 'commandeered' my fave jumper for their daytrip the next day even though I had entirely offered it to her and apparently BIL and I had been exchanging 'knowing looks' (I think he thought we'd been talking about him). All seems bonkers to me but he was angry about it all.

A bit of context: DH's family are not especially close. They see each other reasonably often but seem (to me) to keep each other a bit at arms length. Their father is not great and, IMHO, this has resulted in DH being a bit aggro and glass half empty sometimes. I like his family although they are very different to my family (and the adoration/pedestal worship of DH from MIL gets a bit irritating but I ignore it). My family are close and tight knit even though we don't see each other very often. DH has previously had a rant about me and BIL having a laugh, flirting and 'exchanging looks' - this baffles me as I have never/would never so much as look at another man in THAT way and I thought DH knew this (and told him as much).

We had a talk about the weekend and DH is adamant that DSIS talks down to him, that BIL ignores him, and he doesn't like their company. I just really can't see it. He played down his various hissy fits as his reaction to the way they treat him "I have to be myself, you can't expect me to not react to being spoken to like that in my own house". DSIS and BIL are confident people and are warm and very friendly. They have large social groups and are always offering to help/lend us stuff and, IMO, are very good decent people. All my friends like my sister so it's not just me. I can see that they talk a lot and do have opinions on everything (mostly justified - they have interesting lives) but to me, if someone your other half loves is irritating to you, you ride it out and find ways to ignore the irritating bits. DH's suggested solution is to be to be honest with them next time and tell them they can't talk down to him. I genuinely don't believe that they look down on him - they are always asking after him and are very interested in what he does and DNs adore him.

This probably all sounds a bit over dramatic but I feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I can't have my family to stay because I just can't bear treading on eggshells with DH. I think this has been brewing for a while - we've been married 3 years, together 6 and are both in our 30's. I don't know if he's jealous of the closeness we have or what it is but I feel incredibly sad about it all. I just can't seem to get though to him and I have no idea what to tell DSIS (she will have noticed the atmosphere) that wont upset her. I can't not have my sister in my life. I want our kids to have the family holidays we had growing up with our cousins and it looks like that can't happen.

I'm sorry for the long post (sorry sorry... waaaay too long) and thank you for sticking with me. Any advice?

You said yourself they go on and on , and that they're very relaxed in your home. You've also said about the gentle teasing. I think you need to elaborate on the relaxed thing and the teasing. And the things he wants them to do , or not do.

Why do they think it's ok to tease him ? They're obviously not close and teasing is normally reserved for relatives , not in laws that you clearly don't get on with . I'm not sure why he's been labelled insecure or inferior . My in laws like to tease my dp. They call it tease but actually it's digs and jokes at his expense. It starts to be a problem when they do it to me as I don't appreciate being the butt of someone's jokes.

Wow. So there you have it OP, the reason your DP is like he is is because he is an oversensitive, cheating abuser.

If he wasn't he would man up, put your feelings first and hide any issues he has with any of your family.

Good to know that we have come so far.

I'm sorry, OP, but this is not going to get better. It sounds as though you and he are fundamentally different in your approach to friends and family.

You can only bridge that so far I'm afraid. One of you will have to give in, and the way he's reacting tells me that there is no way in hell he's going to be willing to be the one to give in, or even compromise in any way.

So if you stay with him, you will have to see your sister on your own or in engineered more formal situations. Forget the two couples sitting comfortably in the sitting room having a laugh over a bottle of wine. Ain't gonna happen. He doesn't know how to sit comfortably and have a gentle laugh about things. He wasn't brought up to by the sounds of it, and has no interest in learning to.

So you need to decide this now - you don't mention children, so I will assume you don't have any yet. When you do, I assume you will want them to be involved closely with your family? This won't happen with your husband. It just won't. Your nephews/nieces won't feel comfortable dropping into yours, and your DC wouldn't be allowed to be close enough to the rest of your family to drop into their aunts and uncles.

It could be he's isolating you, it could be he's being oversensitive - or it could be they aren't being nice to him, you are used to the teasing and the loudness and the overopinionated behaviour (personally hate this in others BTW), and as you aren't insulted by it, you don't feel he has a right to be insulted.

If his solution to people insulting him and talking down to him is to ask them to stop, why is that so bad? Why are you so scared of that conversation? You seem really worried you're going to have to upset your sister by saying she's upsetting your DH, but you aren't upset that your sister and BIL are upsetting your DH - just that you don't think he should be upset, you don't seem to care that he is upset.

It could be your DH is trying to isolate you, but unfortunately, your discription of your sister and BIL, taking the piss out of people, being loud, opinionated about everything, very interesting and superior lives to others (including you and your DH) and talking down to those they consider 'lesser', does make them sound like arses.

I don't think I'd like to have to put up with them in my home for long periods, might be enterntaining for an evening, but loud, "I know about everything" people who talk down to others are rather 'draining hard work' unless you love them. You love your sister, you sound a bit like you look up to her and do think she can't be upset - whereas to your DH, she's just his nightmare SIL...

Just how irritating are their irritating bits OP?

You said you feel you have to walk on eggshells when your sister is around, do you have to do that when other friends are around, or is it just your sister/family members? Is your DH fine with general company, just your sister that pisses him off? If he's not oversensitive with others, then it could well be your sister is the problem, not your DH. If he's like this with lots of people, (who you don't think are rude) then it's probably your DH that's the problem, if it's mainly just your sister & BIL, then it's probably them.

What is the gentle teasing?

If he was trying to isolate you he would've told them straight instead of putting up with their opinionated attitude and piss taking. I agree with Mary , they sound hard work.

You don't have to see it or agree , you just have to accept he doesn't like them and wants it toning down.

If your sister is always lending you stuff then why did she feel the need to "borrow" your favourite jumper? That sounds very self centred to me. I'd never ask to borrow something of my sisters that was either new or a favourite item, that's the sort of thing a teenage self centred sister does, not a thoughtful adult sister. What was wrong with her jumpers or if she'd forgotten one asking for one you had spare?
I agree with others that what you do about this depends on how he is with other people. if he hates all your friends and tries to push everyone away then he sounds controlling and as though he's trying to isolate you and I'd wonder what you saw in him.
If on the other hand it's just your sister and BIL then you maybe have to accept extended family holidays are off the menu as a holiday has to be enjoyable for both of you, and he has to accept your sister is important to you and he'll have to see her sometimes and jusr busy himself whilst they're here and learn to let the things they do that annoy him wash over him and stop being so prickly.

I hate being "teased". One person's teasing is another person's bullying.

Sometimes people just have personality clashes. I can't get on with one of DH's sisters - she has no boundaries, she doesn't seem to notice when she's pushing too far/annoying someone, and her husband goes in for what they would probably call 'banter/teasing' but actually seems fairly harsh and offensive talking-down to people. I put up with it for ages because I was told it was 'just her way', until I finally had enough and told her a fraction of how I felt. I'm not controlling, I don't stop DH seeing her, I just prefer that I don't see her or that if I have to it is limited.

Sometimes we just have to accept that everyone is different and not everyone is going to get on brilliantly, and we need to find ways to work with that and realise that just because your family are one way, not everyone else is.

The stuff about "this could be the beginning of controlling behaviour and he's going to isolate you from your family" or "he's having an affair" are ridiculous jumps into the realms of guesswork based on what little we know.

At the moment, I see very little actual thought or consideration for the husband from the OP. It's very much about what she wants - she wants them to come and stay more, she wants to go on huge family holidays with her sister and her family. Even if I had siblings, once I had my own family and kids, I'm not sure I'd necessarily want to go on big holidays with them.

Sometimes, you can be so close to someone (family or a friend) that you actually don't notice that they ARE belittling someone, albeit unintentionally, just by their manner. Because you are family, have known her forever and are used to it, may have made you a bit immune.

I'd be very certain that DH is absolutely in the wrong before dismissing his feelings so easily. If they are not valid, then I suspect it is much to do with his family background. Some people just don't have big close families and are a bit more introverted and to even spend a weekend in very close proximity with very loud and opinionated can be very claustrophobic and 'alien' to them.

I did notice that you yourself said they have opinions on everything but that was "mostly fair" because they have "very interesting lives". Could it possibly be that they boast about their very interesting lives and your DH feels he can't compete?

Oh dear ... being pretty ancient, I've seen a lot. From OP's post, what struck me is that her sister and her husband are a sort of 'golden couple', iyswim ... articulate, opinionated, extrovert, outgoing and very very confident. Exuberant and sure of themselves and prone to 'joshing' and teasing. All very lovely, of course - except for some more introverted and shy people, it's a bit, or very, overwhelming.

I'm especially interested in the 'teasing' that goes on, presumably directed at OP's husband. OP doesn't describe this (unless I've missed a post). One person's teasing might be water off a duck's back, but it can strike a sensitive, socially unsure or nervous recipient as belittling or mocking. Challenge the teaser and it's a case of 'oh, I'm only ribbing him/her' or 'he/she can't take a joke'.

It's nice that OP has such a close family, but she also has a family comprising her husband and children. Visions of holidays with her sister etc. would probably strike her husband as a nightmare, so perhaps best to forget that plan. As for future family get-togethers, OP could ask her sister etc. to go easy on her husband with the 'teasing', but in my experience of 'teasers' and I've met a few and suffered their 'we're only joking it's possible that once you give tell them that your husband finds 'teasing' upsetting, they may well use this priceless information to step up the 'only teasing'. Of course, I may be wrong, but before you come down hard on your husband at how he behaves when your sister and her DH are around, perhaps you should have a realistic think about that past 'teasing'.

OK - now waiting to be flamed.

I'm not going to flame you oldgrandmama. The 'gentle teasing' comment made me prick my ears up too. I can't stand being teased and I do think people, any people should be respectful to me in my own home. It's my patch. My MIL for example walked in to my house and opened one of the cupboards looking for a mug. I went mental. She should have asked and she hasn't done it since. I suppose to some people I'm rather old fashioned but I do believe that if you're in other people's house, you should be on best behaviour.

Thing is here, it seems as though the OP's upbringing and relationship with her family is different to that of her husband's. It needs to be thrashed out between them. The OP's husband needs to explain his feelings to the OP without going off on one and the OP needs to listen to him and try to put herself in his shoes.

This is one of those threads where the input of the OP's husband would be so useful because I do believe that this could be six of one and half a dozen of the other at worst.

I agree with Oldgrandmama.

Sometimes we put people up on such a pedestal that we are happy to excuse bad behaviour on the grounds that "they're only teasing" or "he's such a character". It's only when an outsider comes along that we begin to question our perspective of that behaviour.

I suspect your dh is mistaking your BIL's 'one half of golden couple' status for something more.

Unless he is like this about everyone who comes to the house, then I think OP needs to accept that he just doesn't like them. That does not however remove from him the basic requirement of good manners.

As they are relations, he can't escape them altogether. But you do perhaps need to think about planning how you see them to minimise what you are asking of him in terms of putting up with people he does not want to spend time with.

Good communication includes the ability to deal with thorny issues.

He needs to stop acting up, and deal with the problems properly. And so do you, by which I mean you need to be open to finding new ways of meeting up with your family and, if not possible, to recognise efforts he makes to cope better in the company of people he doesn't like.

I'm wondering about your sister and BIL's 'gentle teasing' too.

You and the rest of your might see it as banter but it has rattled your DH.

I don't get on with my SIL or her partner at all. I think she's rude, sly and mean but her family just say 'she's a bit prickly'.

I am civil to them when they visit but there is no way I would endure a family holiday with us all under one roof.

Like lots of other posters, I think the key here is what he's like with other people and what your relationship is like generally. If he's otherwise socially capable and gracious, and if your relationship is equal and respectful, my advice on how to deal with it would be very different than if he was always difficult with people outside his own chosen circle and has form for not getting on with people of your choosing.

It's ok not to like our loved ones' friends or family. It's not ok to make it difficult for our loved ones to have a relationship with them. Assuming visits are not so frequent that they make your DH feel like a guest in his own home, the onus is on him to be a gracious host even if he doesn't like them. Barring bad behaviour on your relatives part, I think your DH should mostly suck it up, or if he really, really doesn't want to, he can instead absent himself most times they come round.

However, if your DSis and BIL are the only people your DH has issues with being 'teased' by, I think it's probably worth calling that issue out and dealing with it once and for all.

OP, have you ever tried defending your DH when he's 'being teased' - there and then, right on the spot, aligning yourself beside him and saying 'no, that's not how it is?' I agree with others up thread - teasing is a form of bullying, especially when the 'teasee' doesn't like it. You don't need to 'have a word with Dsis' - just take every opportunity to nip the teasing in the bud! And if your Dsis/DBil react badly - well, that would indicate that your DH has a point, no?

Hi all, sorry for delay responding and thank you again for all the helpful comments. We had a long discussion last night and DH did a brilliant job of articulating his feelings in a way that helped me better understand them. The only reason I could do the same is because of the comments here helping to clarify mine.

He just doesn't warm to them and finds them being in the house for a weekend too intense (but doesn't have such an issue when we go to theirs). So we just have to manage that.

We definitely disagree on opinions of them. WRT the teasing, I see it as very gentle banter between all of us, he disagrees. Although DH has a sense of humour and can be mischievous but has been known to take offence at banter/teasing from various people - he can be sensitive and I just need to be more aware of that. He also needs, IMO, to try and not take things to heart so much - he does have a tendency to do this to people and push them away, I think because he thinks they look down on him or think they are better than him. You can't tease people but not take the teasing but i hear the 'one persons teasing is anothers bullying' comment.

I don't defend him with my DSIS because I honestly don't see it and I can't really give an example. Even when he gives me examples, I just don't see it. But he does and it is what it is. He says 'give it time'. He's very sure that BIL doesn't make an effort with him and again, I don't see it but have promised to be sensitive to this.

He understands how much I want him to like them as much as I do and it makes me sad that he doesn't but it is what it is. He's promised to call it when he sees it too - and to try and do this calmly (initially he was very shouty when he sort of demonstrated what he'd say... nothing nothing SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT iyswim). He doesn't know what he meant by the 'knowing looks' thing and says he was just angry.

WRT the jumper comment - she was staying at mine and was ill-equipped for the occasion. I don't care - she can borrow anything as can any of his family or anyone who stays with us.

So we manage it differently (I go to them, we limit his interactions a little bit) and see how it goes. All the comments here have been helpful - yesterday I was feeling very emotional about it all and it's helped me think it through.

Hope it goes ok.

Glad you have good communication, that is definitely a plus. Re. teasing, it is actually usually to highest compliment to the subject of teasing. I used to be oversensitive myself but I learnt.

OP, thanks for updating. Good to hear he's articulating himself better about it.

If he's fine with colleagues and other family and friends, maybe it's just the dynamics with them that are a bit weird for some reason.

With my ex, it was strange because I'd be so much looking forward to introducing him to family / friends that I had a long-standing good relationship with, but he just never managed to hit it off with them. Usually for all the reasons you mentioned above - exchanging knowing looks, putting him down, thinking people were taking the piss out of him etc. Now, with the help of mumsnet I'd see that as a major red flag in a newish relationship and run.

Hmmm. My ex used to be like this with my family eg deliberately not join in with the fun and the laughter and make everyone around him feel uncomfortable. He was just an arrogant pig.