Is he a narcissist?

[Winstonrocked]

How can I tell.
Husband of five years. We have three kids.
I've got to the point where, I am stressed out, not eating properly, exhausted and depressed.

• Gives me silent treatment for days and weeks over nothing, then suddenly changes to Mr nice.

-Works all the time on his own upstairs, never spends time with us even at weekend

• Constantly citizens me over tiny things
• uses sarcasm to put me down
• Does not really have any social life, nor do I for tat matter

- No emotion, never hugs, kisses me apart from when he wants something, give me cards with no writing just his name signed - Never helps with kids, even when I am on my rknees R heavily pregnant, has bathed or put them to bed. - Tells kids he will do things he never does -talks alot about earning more money and success when he does talk - I find myself walking on eggshells everyday not knowing what mood he is in

• has never given physical abuse but makes a horrible growling sound when he is annoyed which makes my hair stand on end

- laughs at people as though they are stupid or can totally ignore them

I'm at a point where I know I have to leave but I am trying to read up on what exactly is going on here. I read an article on narcissism yesterday which fitted him to a T.

What other signs could I look for and does this sound like one or just a meanie?

Never helps with kids or house even if I am on my knees or heavily pregnant. Has never bathed, put them to bed or read them stories. **

I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. He is abusive regardless of why he is so. He may well be narcissistic (and its not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist) but the fact remains he is abusive regardless of why and you therefore cannot stay with such a man.

Walking on eggshells is also known as living in fear. This is no life for either you or your children. Time to put in place firm plans to leave this man.

It's serious abuse. People told me 'strap yourself in for a bumpy ride'. Leaving is tough but then things get better. It's the best gift you can give you and your children. Get support.

I don't know enough to say he's a narcissist but he sounds awful. Call womens aid and get advice re leaving. I hope you and dc are ok.

Ty, I've wanted to leave before but kept making excuses for him and yes, I am scared, thinking I am deluded or over exaggerating, feeling sorry for him etc but I need to now. I'll talk to WA as a starter.

I dont know if he's a narcissist, but does it matter? He's a complete knob, you have plenty of reason to LTB.

I guess not blast, but in my mind if he was I thought he could not be hurt by us leaving etc - stupid I know.

I don't know either, but I can tell you that any two of the many things you listed about him would have made me leave him years ago.

Do it, OP. Leave him. You and your kids would be so much happier and better off. Who cares if he's upset?? Like you say:

Never helps with kids or house even if I am on my knees or heavily pregnant. Has never bathed, put them to bed or read them stories.

Why would you stay with him?

I don't know about narcissism or other personality disorders, but he's definitely an arse. And abusive.

Pease don't worry about an abusive person's feelings. Yours and your children's are far more important.

Possibly, who cares about giving him a tag, just because you've put up with shit treatment from him doesn't mean you have to continue to suffer it, you only have one life, don't waste it anymore on someone who is incapable of loving you.

Have you considered that he may have an autistic spectrum disorder (Aspergers)?

www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/real-life-stories/real-life-stories-from-partners/what-sort-of-comforting-would-you-like.aspx

I doubt very much this man OP writes of is infact anywhere on the ASD spectrum. Abusive behaviour does not automatically equate to ASD!. OP also read up on narcissism instead and she felt that personality profile fitted his character traits.

The fact that he is abusive is enough and OP should make plans to leave this man behind. Her children and she deserve better.

He sounds very similar to my XH from your description. My therapist suggested to me that my ex might be a narcissist. I can say definitively that not being in the relationship has made me so much happier than I could have imagined, although I left with not a penny and two children under 5.

If your H is making you feel " I am stressed out, not eating properly, exhausted and depressed", you need to get out. That is your body/gut telling you what your mind might not want to hear, that you are in a very unhappy and abusive relationship.

That walking-on-eggshells-in-case-you-set-off-a-mood is truly a horrible, soul destroying feeling. My H also went around calling people (not to their faces) he judged as inferior to him in intelligence (i.e. everybody including me) as 'muggles', listening to that left me with such a nasty taste in my mouth.

Have you read any of Melanie Tonia Evans online, she writes about narcissists and relationships. Interesting reading.

Looking at the autism article, yes, you see similarities in the text. But you will too if you read any al anon or coda literature, or articles on people living with male partners who have depression, or people living with abusers. So I would be wary of labelling in any way. All you need to know is you are not happy. There is no excuse for his behaviour, whatever the cause.

Ty again. I will have a read. Of MTE online. You are both right. I don't need to label. I think that is my self trying to make excuses for his behaviour and to minimise it iykwim? I have no idea how to get out he but I will talk to WA and try to get a half hourly solicitors advice.
Summer, how frequently does he see your children? Did he make breaking up very hard for? I know I'm in for a bumpy ride as someone said upthread because I am a possession in his eyes.

Those who have left, is it possible to do it without a lot of money in the bank?
All I get is the 'allowance' he puts in my account each month for food shopping etc. Would I be entitled to enough benefits to survive or get us somewhere to live ?

Winston - he made divorcing him very hard, it all took 2 years because he dragged his feet at every corner. Didn't contest, just didn't send the forms back. He decided at the start of the split that he was going to teach me a hard lesson so I would come back running, also he announced loudly that he was going to enjoy a bachelor life now and so the children were now 100% my responsibility. He sees them over about 3 bank holidays a year to please his mother. He asked me to have their last names changed to my maiden name. It took about 2 years to not have 15 texts and 5-10 phone calls with multiple emails a day, learning my boundaries was never his strong point. He really couldn't cope once I started standing up a small amount for myself and had back up from friends and family. He still takes every opportunity to be nasty, but it is over email now and I can ignore those. So even though he was abusive and controlling in the relationship, I think that he couldn't cope at all once I detached emotionally from his behaviour.

Money wise - make an appointment at CAB and get proper advice. Talk to friends and family, tell them what is going on. Go to the turn2us website and calculate what you are entitled to. At the end I had £50 in my hand and empty cupboards... but being able to access benefits while I rebuilt things saved me. I cannot fault the system in anyway. He will have to give you child maintenance, 25% of his post tax earnings for 3 children (assuming he is their father). I never thought I could manage financially, I was a SAHM with no self esteem left, but it is doable.

He is father to all three summer. I know it won't be an easy time but I am kind of hoping he will react like yours did, rather than start fighting to have the kids etc. I don't think he will as he doesn't have 5 minutes before he gets fed up with them now but I guess you never know.
How did you change your behaviour? Did you just shut down or answer him outright.
Last night fr example he comes home, looks in the garden and says 'Did the girls make that mess (translated, why the hell haven't you cleared the toys up in the garden, you lazy spec of a wife) I replied with a casual 'probably' and he stormed off upstairs!

How I changed my behaviour... I nearly had a breakdown putting up with his behaviour, and so found a therapist who helped me (slowly) figure out how to put down boundaries (or more to the point how to work out what mine were), but also space away from him has helped a lot, as has support from family. I did neither shut down or answer him, I just decided what I could and couldn't put up with, by listening to my gut feelings. If he behaved poorly, I realised that confronting him didn't help, so I guess I just started stating what I wanted and ignored him after that and took all emotional things out of it. But also, I only communicate with him via email, so it gives me time to think before I respond. The way I started though was figuring out what my own needs and wants were (not at all easy as I had focused on his for so very long) and realised that I needed to make decisions based on this.

In your example, I would probably now not even validate his statement by answering either through words or body language. Or tell him what a good idea, can't he be so kind and tidy it up. For his behaviour of storming upstairs, I would probably either use a when you... I feel..., if you continue to do this... I will.... statement, but I suspect that going for a nice long spring evenings walk on my own would be more satisfying. But seriously, living with a man like that is not something I could do again, it gives me cold shivers...so stressful.

I don't know about narcissism or other personality disorders, but he's definitely an arse. And abusive.

This. I wouldn't rush to judge anyone a clinical narcissist off the back of newspaper articles and the like, but you can trust your judgement as far as whether or not he's an arse. And it sounds like he is.

The bit where you said "Never helps with kids, even when I am on my rknees R heavily pregnant, has bathed or put them to bed." - if this is so then he is no bu???n? use whatsoever and there seems no reason to give him house room.

One cannot read an article and diagnose on that basis,irrespective of mn anecdotes
However,it reads as if you're very unhappy,that's the issue.rather than seeking a label

It doesn't matter what else he is, he's a dick.

Isn't narcissism just another name for bastard syndrome?

Some mn folk bandy various terms about or will authoritatively diagnose online
It comes in trends.narcissistic is quite the mn thing for folk to speculate
It was previously sociopath/personality disorder

you are not his therapist. you're his wife. narcissism as a diagnosis is only useful if you are planning to design a treatment plan for him. as it is, you have no responsibility to fix or change him.

I suspect you want a label so that it gives you permission to leave. In my eyes he has already given you permission to leave. He sounds like my dad aka an arse who can't ever see a situation from someone else's point of view. someone who only acts according to what he wants or feels. my dad made family life miserable but my mum wouldn't leave. Your dc will thank you in the long run.

No, you are all right. I will skip the diagnosis. That was a bit stupid of me to ask that question.
I am very upset tonight. He came home, I was waiting just by the door as I was doing something and I tried to ask him something. He glares at me and walks straight past me. Eventually takes earphones off and says 'sorry, can't hear with headphones on' and walks upstairs.
Next, my 4 yo DD is in tears over something, I'm trying to console her, he storms in the room and says she is stupid and something really pisseshim off about her. (she is 4!!) all n front of her and her sister.
I've spent the evening trying to tell her she isn't stupid or anything the like.
So angry tonight, but I've just kept quiet.

He probably isn't a narcissist but he really is a nasty man. How the hell did I not see this before? I've joined a forum on WA so ty for recommending that.