Best friend getting married to a monster

[taxiforme]

I witnessed the most terrible argument between my best friend and her htb (they are getting married in 6weeks). He was an hour late back from his stag night, he was drunk as was she and she said she gave him a hard time (control issues) but nothing excuses what happened next.

I was in bed and he was screaming at her, throwing things around (I thought he had pushed her down the stairs but he was throwing stuff) and the most horrible abuse - she is unlovable, no body likes her, her kids hate her all stuff designed to diminish her. He didn't hit her. I managed to get him out and lock the door.

This is not a one off. The kids were there and I tried to protect them and her which was my priority. I was going to call the police but she stopped me.

She took him back immediately and blames herself, me and others for getting him drunk.
This is not a one off. The same happened last week and she was walking round the village sobbing at 3am (I only found out later). She is mad with me as I told her brother and two local friends what happened. I was there for the night but live 100 miles away. She needs someone to keep an eye on her and her 14 yo daughter needs someone to call if it kicks off again.

Thing is, she is my best mate. She doesn't want help. She is obsessed by this bloke who has been married twice before. They both have massive trust issues and now I know, he is violent. She has kids living with her (he doesn't have any). They are getting married in a couple of weeks, I am bridesmaid and am supposed to make a speech toasting the happy couple. I can't do it but I must I feel. If I say anything (like you are making the biggest mistake of your life) she will likely just turn her back on our friendship - and if others do the same she will have nobody when he kicks off again. She needs me most now, I guess.

It's so hard. She is an educated high earner and he has nothing. No real job, no kids and no house to fall back on. He has no family (funnily enough he doesn't get on with his brothers sister and mum).

I guess I just want some reassurance and some idea of what to do if anyone had been through this. She is becoming a classic victim "but I love him" and making excuse after excuse for him. I have had much conflicting advice from rl..

It is difficult but I think, when the adults are letting the side down, you have to put the children first. She may not want help but those poor kids don't even have a choice in the matter. Personally, I would report him to the police anyway so that it is on record that he is violent and that there are children at risk. Your friend may never forgive you for intervening, she may turn her back or whatever, but her DCs might thank you for ever. Someone has to stick their neck out here and do what's right.

I think you might need to involve social services. I'm sure someone who is better informed that me will be along shortly, but her children are at risk here.

I know you don't want to, but i fear you must.

If I were in your position, and I knew what I know know about a similar friend, I wouldn't be her bridesmaid. A friend of mine got married to someone awful - not this awful, but cruel and disinterested and selfish and abusive, as it turned out - and I thought "well, this must be what she wants." Years later, she asked why on earth I hadn't stopped her. Having seen how bad their divorce was, I wish I'd said something.

If you can't condone this marriage, don't. In your place, I wouldn't be at that wedding, and I would call the police next time she or her children are in danger. I'd probably call them about the last incident, too. Stuff how wonderful she thinks he is: she has children, and their safety comes first. She isn't thinking sensibly at all.

Love is not enough if it is one sided. I think you will have to let her marry him but always be there for her as support. If you try to stop it they may push you away and this could make her self esteem more vulnerable.

I am unfortunately not able to offer reassurance.

Simply put you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and she may well cut you lose/off anyway after the wedding (also due to him wanting to further isolate her). Continue therefore to be some sort of presence in her life; keep up the contact. All you can do is be there for her when life eventually crashes down around her ears.

I'd be advising the DD to call the police in future.

"She is an educated high earner"

That counts for nothing really. Your friend clearly has no self esteem or self worth (that was probably low to start with and thus bloke has just dragged her further down with him) and is thus easy prey for someone like the bloke she is going to marry. She can probably see "potential" in this man. The "potential" she sees though is purely in her head. Such svengali/muse relationships never end well. She will have to see it with her own eyes.

BTW what do her parents think of her HTB?.

A friend of mine, R was supposed to be best man at the wedding of A and F. Everyone knew their relationship was a toxic nightmare and A had been cheating on F for months. R had to bow out and say he was sorry but he felt unable to stand up in front of the congregation and say gushy stuff about a couple who so obviously weren't meant to be together. The wedding was actually called off 2 weeks before the date, really hard at the time but so far and away the best thing to happen for everyone as they are both much happier now.

I think you should gently explain that you feel unable to be her bridesmaid and exactly why that is. Say that you know she will be angry and hurt but that you will always, always be there for her and never to worry about I told you so's.

And I assume the 14 yo has a phone/fb? Keep in touch with her separately and make sure she knows she can always call, even if you and her mum aren't speaking. Although I hope it doesn't come to that. I feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in.

Oh god, I sympathise, my closest friend is engaged to a complete waste of skin and I'm dreading when the wedding eventually comes. No advice I'm afraid. I've tried to be there for my friend, on the end of the phone when he has treated her like dirt (again), trying to help her leave only for her to go back (again). The strain on our friendship is huge, my partner is sick of her late night dramas that always end in the same way, but I can only try to be her friend and be ready for the worst when it comes. So sad.

Thanks all so far. I will think long and hard about what to do.
I have thought of third party reporting to the police and ss will likely be contacted by them as a matter of course.
The kids are witnessing which is harmful but I don't think he will hurt them physically. He calmed down immediately when I confronted him, but she would NOT let me speak to him on his own. There are control possession issues.
As for her mum, she does not have a good relationship with her and her dad, amongst other serious health issues is a manic depressive which is why I am making the speech.
The advice I had from brother was "well, if they love each other" and "we should just keep out of it" ...astonishing.
Yes the 14 yo has my number and two others (one two mins walk away) and I have told her to call the police if she is frightened.
Her first marriage was dreadful. Not physical but a drunk gambler who abandoned her when she was in labour to go out with his mates.

that is a lot of responsibility to put on a 14 year old.

too much. it is really hard to call 999 when you are frightened of someone. because they can go after you, grab your phone etcetc. and 14 year old knows her mum will be in trouble too.

to be able to walk away and think oh well 14 year old will call police you need to know that for sure...eg you need to practice it with the 14 year old, role play etc.

frankly that is too much to lay on the 14 year old.... so, report to police, tell the school, etcetc. let ss get involved. could 14 yea rold come live with you for a while if needs be or does she have other relatives? it isn't going to get better once they married is it?

and you can never know that eh wont harm the children. if they get in his way, if they tell police/teacher - then sure he could easily harm them physically. you know what the situation is you need to do something for those children. they must be terrified.

"Yes the 14 yo has my number and two others (one two mins walk away) and I have told her to call the police if she is frightened. "

As the PP said, that is too much responsibility to lay at the feet of a 14yo. He's terrorising the whole family, your friend seems incapable of acting, her family sound dreadful and you're the only one who can do anything. It's worth losing a friend if you save her kids

You could start by having a word with police on 101. You can ask their advice about what you've witnessed and what you should do. You don't have to name names yet.

I'm suggesting this as a first step, because doing nothing isn't really an option, yet I can understand that you feel torn about it.

In your position I would not be acting as bridesmaid. This is a step too far towards endorsing the relationship. Tell her you'll still be there for her, though.

I married the wrong person once as an 'educated high earner' myself. Cue years of utter sh*te. I wish someone had taken me to one side and warned me. I would probably have kicked off and cut them out of my life and gone ahead anyway...but at 3am I may then have called them to help me get the hell out of there. At least it would have helped with the normalising, because I would have known that other people didn't think it was normal. That's big.

I also wish people had reported things - neighbours, friends, family, schools. They talked to me - but I was stuck in inertia/fear/refusal to think - and so never did anything. Further down the line it would have helped an awful lot if there'd been a history like that, and if I'd had an instant support network to flee to.

Obviously we only know snippets of the situation OP, and only you can decide. But I would, personally, sacrifice the friendship, at least in the short term, in order to protect her and her kids for the future.

Report it to the police and social services. Don't just leave it to the police to pass it on - they will, but if it's a one off and there is no background information SS won't investigate. If they have a report from you AND police they might. It's not a one off, it WILL happen again and the children are at massive risk. He might not intend to hurt them but he is very likely to, and he is guaranteed to harm them emotionally.

I think the children are at greater risk if they are not his, aren't they?

You cannot burden a 14 year old with the responsibility of looking out for themselves and other children in this situation. If they decide not to call police and something happens to their mum they will think they are responsible and will torment themselves for the rest of their life.

You need to call police and SS. You could ask advice from the NSPCC line too.

I also agree that you should report it to police and SS.

The children are at risk. They may be caught in the cross fire, they may well become targets, and it's a terrible example of a relationship. Not to mention the stress they will suffer in such a relationship.

As for your friend, you can tell her you can't condone the wedding, even the relationship, but you will be there for her when she needs you. Because she will.

If it were me I would try and put an email or letter to her so you can say exactly what you need to say. I think you should tell her that this kind of behaviour isn't loving and it is dangerous for her and her children. I would ask her in the letter how she would feel if her 14 year old daughter was in that sort of relationship.

You might not get through to her, but maybe you will. You can't keep silent on this one I think people who are aggressive like that get worse after the honeymoon period.

If it were me, I would also not be a bridesmaid. I know that's very hard, but could not watch a friend abuse herself.

When I was much younger a friend of mine met an older man. He was very controlling and a bit of a bully. Not violent, but he was just a bit off. Fast forward 10 years and my friend almost died from anorexia. Her heart almost stopped. Living with that man sucked away everything from her. Looking back I wish I had told her not to marry him but lacked the courage.

Just a possibility, could you give the 14-year-old a code word to use in an emergency, that would be enough for you or someone else to call the police?

Good idea, Mexican

I agree with others, report the incident to police and ss. Children are at risk here. I would not be a bridesmaid at this wedding. It would effectively be condoning domestic abuse. What an awful situation, OP.

Have you actually asked 'why the hell are you marrying this cunt?'

I couldn't be her bridesmaid OP and I'd tell her exactly why. I also agree with the other posters who've suggested informing the authorities. It sounds a toxic environment for all concerned.

Funky, yes.
The morning after I sat her down and told her she could not marry this man. Listed all the reasons why.
I asked her to come home with me (with her kids) I have repeated the request twice. To put d

Some distance between them in the short term. She had refused. I have offered to come and pick her up and/ or pay for petrol.
I have offered her a way out by suggesting she "postpones" and not " cancels" to the guests citing money to keep it discreet. I have told her people will respect her strength if she does this rather than going through with it.

It is toxic, they say they are deeply in love but it's damaging destructive possessive.

taxi you're a good friend. And I think the 'friends' angle is a good one to play. I'd got it into my head that I couldn't cancel the wedding because of my friends, because everyone had started travelling, because they'd paid for hotels and sent presents and what on earth would everyone think, and all the explaining...

If somehow you can convince her that you can stop at any time, right up to standing at the altar, that people will think MORE of her, not less, the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter won't mind.