Best friend getting married to a monster

[taxiforme]

I witnessed the most terrible argument between my best friend and her htb (they are getting married in 6weeks). He was an hour late back from his stag night, he was drunk as was she and she said she gave him a hard time (control issues) but nothing excuses what happened next.

I was in bed and he was screaming at her, throwing things around (I thought he had pushed her down the stairs but he was throwing stuff) and the most horrible abuse - she is unlovable, no body likes her, her kids hate her all stuff designed to diminish her. He didn't hit her. I managed to get him out and lock the door.

This is not a one off. The kids were there and I tried to protect them and her which was my priority. I was going to call the police but she stopped me.

She took him back immediately and blames herself, me and others for getting him drunk.
This is not a one off. The same happened last week and she was walking round the village sobbing at 3am (I only found out later). She is mad with me as I told her brother and two local friends what happened. I was there for the night but live 100 miles away. She needs someone to keep an eye on her and her 14 yo daughter needs someone to call if it kicks off again.

Thing is, she is my best mate. She doesn't want help. She is obsessed by this bloke who has been married twice before. They both have massive trust issues and now I know, he is violent. She has kids living with her (he doesn't have any). They are getting married in a couple of weeks, I am bridesmaid and am supposed to make a speech toasting the happy couple. I can't do it but I must I feel. If I say anything (like you are making the biggest mistake of your life) she will likely just turn her back on our friendship - and if others do the same she will have nobody when he kicks off again. She needs me most now, I guess.

It's so hard. She is an educated high earner and he has nothing. No real job, no kids and no house to fall back on. He has no family (funnily enough he doesn't get on with his brothers sister and mum).

I guess I just want some reassurance and some idea of what to do if anyone had been through this. She is becoming a classic victim "but I love him" and making excuse after excuse for him. I have had much conflicting advice from rl..

I couldn't be a bridesmaid either. I certainly couldn't stand up in front of everyone and give a speech. No way. Sometimes being a good friend is about saying what needs to be said, and not what the other person wants to hear. If you don't condone this relationship, how can you be a part of their marriage ceremony?

In terms of your own integrity, OP, having already stated your feelings and offered unconditional support as a friend (which is all you can do):

You would probably regret being her bridesmaid, more than not, because whatever happens from here is sadly out of your hands. Except reporting to SS the risk to the dc.

I have just read the refuge website. It has a section devoted to friends and families coping with this. It's very very good and gives clear and reassuring advice which I have taken on board. There is a link from the dv link at the top.
Thanks for the advice it's helped just to talk.
So many rl friends have said don't get involved.

I think that's because RL friends are putting you first (of course). We don't know you, so are being a bit more objective...

I was bridesmaid for a friend when I was 20yo that married an abusive man. I talked to her and talked to her prior to the wedding, trying to convince her to at least wait a while longer for the wedding (any kind of delay I could think of).

She insisted on marrying him. I was her bridesmaid, although I was unhappy about the situation, because I felt that I could at least best be there for her when things went to hell if we were still friends.

And it did. She got pregnant. He beat her repeatedly during the pregnancy, she went into early labour a number of times because of it, and finally had a very premature baby when they couldn't stop the labour at the last beating. The baby survived for awhile hooked up to machines, but eventually died. She was distraught. At that point she realised he had cost her the life of her child and she left him.

It was hell watching her go through all that, and only being able to step in and help when things fell apart, when she rang screaming because he'd beaten her again and she was going into labour, when she was standing there praying for her baby to survive.

So many women marry someone that perhaps doesn't show a lot of red flags prior to the wedding, but when the flags are flying well in advance of the wedding, I just wish there was some way of halting the wedding.