Hubbie has sex problems and I feel trapped without sex

[LegalBeagle2014]

My husbands inability to sustain sex for more than a few seconds is causing real problems for me and so for our relationship. I love him but feel trapped, knowing that satisfying sex is never likely to be something I experience.

Weve been married for 15 years and have 3 children who are now 13, 10 and 8. The sex was never the strong point in our relationship, but it was ok. Whilst the children were little, a lack of sex was the norm and when it happened it wasnt great. But I was so exhausted from looking after our little ones that it didnt really bother me. My hubbie is loving and kind and a great Dad.

But as the kids grew up and I got my sex drive back, things got much worse in the bedroom. Sometimes he couldnt get an erection; when he did, he would ejaculate after just a minute or two. Over time, this has got worse and he now ejaculates the moment he comes inside me. He has seen his GP and we have been through sex counselling, but none of them have helped.

Foreplay is ok, if rather lacking in variety. I have tried all sorts of things to spice up our love life and some have helped, but the bottom line is when I really need, well you know, a good seeing to, he cant deliver and I feel extremely frustrated.

Ive coped with this frustration in the usual ways and he seems happy for me to pleasure myself. The problem now is that my mind is so focused on what Im missing, that thinking about what it would be like is all that gets me off. Our sex life together is becoming almost non-existent.

I went back to work last year and have a busy professional life, which helps to keep my mind on other things. But increasingly Im finding my independence at work to be a source of excitement and not my marriage.

I cant talk to my friends about this as its just too personal, so thats why it occurred to me to post here. Any advice would be appreciated.

Are you (and is he) willing to explore otherways to have sex? It's possible to cut out PIV completely or just have it as one small part of a bigger repertoire.

I'm in the same situation, I've tried to help dh. Talking to him, telling him it's not important etc. but it is - it just makes me feeling so unattractive and undesirable and it feels like rejection every time he loses his erection

Are you saying this is becoming a deal ( marriage) breaker?
Couples don't have to split up simply because of emotional issues- sex can be just as much a reason.

I think the crux of this is- does he see it was a joint problem where he is willing to move heaven and earth to try to sort it out, or does he see it as your problem?

There is a lot that can be done by counselling with a sexual therapist, and medication can help if the problem is physical, so is he willing to try these routes again?

I get the sense that work is serving more than just a source of professional satisfaction, but that maybe there is some wistful thinking about other men and another type of life?

I think your next step depends so much on his attitude: is it a joint issue, is he willing to seek more help, is he able to offer affection in other ways meantime, and if none of these would you negotiate a FWB perhaps,or would you consider separating?

Does he use a lot of porn ?

Do you ever try to have sex again after he comes the first time? Maybe he's better at a second attempt?

Thanks all! And to answer you each in turn...
we do try different stuff and it brings us close, but just when I feel ready for the main action, it's all over... I know intercourse on its own never satisfied any woman, but no intercourse is just as bad - as least it is for me...it's something about wanting a man, that makes you want intercourse and my hubbie can't give me that.
So sorry that you're in same boat blushingm - it does make me feel unattractive too, and unsexy and as if I'm to blame. My hubbie can usually get an erection, but as soon as he's come he loses it..and that is just a few seconds, sometimes even before he has come into me.
rainbows..i don't know if it's a deal breaker, i just know it's becoming a real problem for me...he so wants to sort it too, but doesn't know what else to do. He senses I think that my pleasure and excitement now mainly comes from my own fantasies. We've not come across any medication that can sort his extreme premature ejaculation and yet GP thinks it may be a physical rather than mental problem. It seems insoluble. You may be right about my work..I enjoy the attention I get at work and it gives me a sense of control and excitement that I don't have at home.
I don't think he uses porn, ballerina - he seems to have lost his sex drive almost entirely.
He can't get a second erection, porkbelly - we have tried.
Thanks all - any more thoughts?

Are you willing to use dildos etc in your sex life? Maybe even a strap on? As you have been to counselling etc it is obviously important to both of you to find a satisfactory solution for you both.

And have you tried a cock ring?

What about Viagra? My dh had similar problems (health related) and was prescribed this and it's made a big difference. There's no stopping him now

www.healthline.com/health/side-effects-of-low-testosterone

Low testosterone can cause pe. Does he have any of the physical symptoms ? A simple blood test can rule it out.

I work in this area.
If he is suffering with premature ejaculation with normal erections (which it sounds like) the main causes are psychosexual. Psychosexual counselling is very helpful in these situations and condoms can also be helpful (sometimes containing topical local anaesthetic) Some antidepressants can also be used to delay ejaculation. Either way a trip to the GP is the way forward.
If the problem is erectile dysfunction (poor erection quality and duration) then a health screen including blood tests and testosterone check is required (so also to GP). In this situation, lifestyle changes such as decreased alcohol/smoking and increased exercise along with tablets such as Viagra can be helpful.

The good news is that in the majority of cases the problem can be resolved. The bad news is that it completely relies on open communication between the two of you and he must want to seek help in the first place.
Good luck

Ok - your DH has seen a GP.

He needs a referral to a specialist. That's where I would start.

You can't fix this and as much as I am pro marriage I couldn't live my married life in pseudo celibacy.

OP_ it's NOT a good idea to buy Viagra etc online because some men are at risk from serious side effects ( such as a heart attack) in rare cases. Viagra and Cirilis should always be prescribed by a dr who has done health checks first.

DB I think you are advertising

Thanks eveyone for your advice. We've been to the GP and basic tests have shown nothing specific. Counselling hasn't worked either. We've tried condoms to reduce the physical sensations, but often just putting the condom on would cause him to ejaculate.
I have several vibrators that I use regularly and they help to keep me sane!! He's happy for me to use them during/after sex. Increasingly I also use them when he's asleep or I'm in the bath. I'm aware though that this is also building a bit of a barrier between us - most of my pleasure now comes in this way and my fantasies are what I need to make me orgasm.

I sometimes feel very guilty after I've been fantasising and masturbating (eg/now! - DH at work, kids with Grandma and me on afternoon off...too good an opportunity ot miss?!)
In the circumstances I'm in, does anyone feel I'm wrong to do this without DH knowing? I don't want to pressurise him for sex as this only makes things worse for him and this is best way to control my urges!!

Op I would ask specifically what the testosterone level was. From the things I've read gps don't have much knowledge about it.

OP, I'm a guy and can only comment from my own experiences. Does your husband know about exercises to strengthen/control the relevant muscles? Even without such problems being in place whatsoever, the effects are really beneficial in terms of the guy being able to sustain lovemaking at the pace his partner wishes. And ejaculate when he wants to, and stop when he doesn't.

Also, without wanting to ask intrusive questions, how is his general fitness? Testosterone production declines with excessive weight, dramatically in some cases. Does he do any exercise? It doesn't have to be a long run or cycle - in fact research suggests that high intensity, brief workouts are better. And there's also the usual things - booze, no no, and eating healthily. I think it has to be a holistic approach...

Two more things - is there a perceived power inequality between you? as in, do you have a better/ higher-status / or higher-earning job? Some guys find this really hard to deal with, (not consciously, perhaps).

Or are you conspicuously in better condition physical condition than him or more attractive than him? Again, that could be a problem if he has let himself go.

Thanks ballerina - I'm thinking, after what I've read here, that another visit to GP would be a good idea - so I will make sure we check out testosterone level.

And wow aegeansky - really helpful. He has tried all sorts of exercises and without success. I've tried to be sympathetic, though I sometimes feel like saying just get a grip!!

His general fitness is poor. He's not overweight but he does almost no physical exercise and has a very lightweight frame - no muscle etc and it makes it hard for me to get turned on by him physically, though I still love him very much.

Without being boastful, I think I'm in good shape for my age (39) and get a lot of attention from men. I'm also the major wage earner. I know he struggles with both of these things.

OP!

Without being boastful, I think I'm in good shape for my age (39) and get a lot of attention from men. I'm also the major wage earner. I know he struggles with both of these things. Simples. This is a dick-drooping scenario for some men. They may not admit it, but it's just too much.

His general fitness is poor... no muscle etc and it makes it hard for me to get turned on by him physically, though I still love him very much.

No muscle... could still be skinny fat, which also produces same low testosterone outcome. Also, don't know about your DP, but if I sensed a woman wasn't turned on by me, nothing much could happen between us.

Re the not being turned on thing, how would it be if you were to introduced some kind of role-playing fantasy in which you set the terms...? So he'd get to act up to whatever challenge you set him? I mean pure imagination here, no props needed, except a level of domination that he may not naturally feel inclined to express atm. This could address some of the power inequalities that are possibly doing his head in...??!!

No muscle is a indicater .

Badbaldingballerina, skinny could be his somatotype, but combined with no exercise, then yes it could cause that problem.

Not being presumptious here, but I think perhaps the other problems I've indicated may be the elephant in the room

Very sorry to read about this for you and your husband. He does seem to be trying to sort it out but my best guess is that it won’t get resolved to your satisfaction.

That leaves you in an impossible position. You could stay and face a life with very little sexual fulfilment. This is the most noble and decent option but IMO this would lead to high levels of frustration and resentment building up on your behalf that could ultimately rip the marriage apart. You could leave, but given he has a genuine problem and has tried to resolve it that could be unfair on him. You could “outsource” sex quietly and discretely. This is worst solution and carries all kind of risks if he found out but may be practical solution to a very real problem.

I wish the two of you good luck.

Thanks AICM - I appreciate your kind thoughts. And yes I think you've summed things up pretty accurately!! Right now, the option I'm ruling out is leaving him - I love him and the children love him, so splitting up the family is not something I would consider. I guess my plan so far has been to do the noble/decent thing and stick with it without the sex. What I feel building inside me though is like a volcano of desire and frustration just waiting to explode. At times it feels almost unbearable and the thought of not having fulfilling sex for the rest of my life is too much to handle.
I'm doing the "outsourcing" in my head I guess. Increasingly I'm fantasising about what really good sex would be like, what a really good masculine body would be like and, I'm ashamed to say, directing my thoughts on to one or two guys at work. I know this isn't right but I can't help it and it always give me the most explosive orgasms. I'm scared though about where this all might end up.

Can you say what you mean by you are frightened of where it all may end up?

IMO you are doing yourself a disservice. You are burying your sexual feelings and hoping you can compromise with the man you have and the sex- or rather lack of it.

This will not go away.

You have already said that you don't like his body type and it doesn't turn you on.

Question- did it ever and what has changed?

You can love someone but sexual attraction can die. I'd say this is something you need to take on board.

It's very very hard for you but you can't ignore the obvious.

As someone else said, there are ways to improve prem ejac. I'm wondering why all the techniques have not worked? Have you both tried them for a long time with professional help from the British Association of Sexual Therapists?