Hubbie has sex problems and I feel trapped without sex

[LegalBeagle2014]

My husbands inability to sustain sex for more than a few seconds is causing real problems for me and so for our relationship. I love him but feel trapped, knowing that satisfying sex is never likely to be something I experience.

Weve been married for 15 years and have 3 children who are now 13, 10 and 8. The sex was never the strong point in our relationship, but it was ok. Whilst the children were little, a lack of sex was the norm and when it happened it wasnt great. But I was so exhausted from looking after our little ones that it didnt really bother me. My hubbie is loving and kind and a great Dad.

But as the kids grew up and I got my sex drive back, things got much worse in the bedroom. Sometimes he couldnt get an erection; when he did, he would ejaculate after just a minute or two. Over time, this has got worse and he now ejaculates the moment he comes inside me. He has seen his GP and we have been through sex counselling, but none of them have helped.

Foreplay is ok, if rather lacking in variety. I have tried all sorts of things to spice up our love life and some have helped, but the bottom line is when I really need, well you know, a good seeing to, he cant deliver and I feel extremely frustrated.

Ive coped with this frustration in the usual ways and he seems happy for me to pleasure myself. The problem now is that my mind is so focused on what Im missing, that thinking about what it would be like is all that gets me off. Our sex life together is becoming almost non-existent.

I went back to work last year and have a busy professional life, which helps to keep my mind on other things. But increasingly Im finding my independence at work to be a source of excitement and not my marriage.

I cant talk to my friends about this as its just too personal, so thats why it occurred to me to post here. Any advice would be appreciated.

I guess when we were first together I was turned on by what we did together and I loved exploring his body. But I was never especially excited by his physique. I didn't mind that then though and to some extent I don't now - that's just how he is and I wouldn't want himm to change in some ways. But without sex it's like my mind has got focused on what I'm missing. I'm masturbating several times a day to try and keep a lid on my feelings but its so hard. A guy I work with has got a great body and I can't help imaginign what it woulkd be like if he made love to me.
By "where it may all end up" I mean...I'm not sure I could stop myself if this guy at work made a move on me. I'm committed to being a faithful wife, but I'm scared that my will power is ebbing away.

I think in real life many people in your position would look for sexual fulfilment outside of their marriage.

This can be a bad idea as it can lead to all sorts of problems. Your husband doesn’t deserve this and you might end up falling in love with the man.

However, I wouldn’t stand in judgement over anybody in your position as a sexless marriage is a terrible situation to be in.

If you can find sexual fulfilment outside of your marriage on your terms, then it may save your marriage.

Legal- I think you are in danger of making a big error of judgement.

According to some research, affairs start with the idea of an affair- just as you are describing here.

You can certainly stop yourself if this man makes a move on you. You and only you control your thoughts and actions. The question is- do you want to stop yourself?

I'm not sure how much professional help you've had- have you seen a professional sexual therapist? Did you both see them and keep going with the suggestions?

Personally, I don't think an affair is the answer. too messy, too complicated and too hurtful - unless you are willing to be open with your DH about your plans.

If he feels 'less of a man' already due to your high earning power and his lack of sexual performance, then how would he feel to discover you'd been fucking a colleague behind his back? It could well be the end of your marriage.

If you decide to end your marriage after having tried every kind of help that's one thing- but do it kindly and honestly- not having an affair.

Thanks AICM and rainbows...I know I'm in danger of making a huge mistake and that's why I'm so scared. I really don't want to have an affair - I have no desire for any emotional relationship with anyone else and I know just how much it can hurt & destroy. It's the physical that I crave and no more.
We both went to professional sexual therapy and they identified my DH's problems as being connected with deep-seated inadequacy issues - going back much further than our relationship. The premature ejaculation was a sub-conscious response to my DH feeling pressured and inadequate. The solutions revolved around finding ways to take that pressure off him. Role-play was one and we've tried that with...mixed results!!! I shouldn't go into too much detail here, but let's just say it didn't always work out as intended!!! The rest focused on ways in which he could see my needs being met without the burden being on him - hence, masturbation/use of vibrators etc were encouraged. This has certainly helped him and he seems happier, even if it hasn't made any noticeable difference to his PE. It also keep me relieved, though increasingly I've found it difficult to cope with what i'm missing.

When it was clear that PE wasn't improving, therapist raised issue of whether me having my sexual needs met by a "third party" may help both of us, though also talked through with us all the downsides. Neither of us were keen at the time, though my DH has since said he would be willing for it to happen if I wanted it - I said I didn't as I don't want to hurt him. I wouldn't go behind his back but I'm wondering whether to raise the issue again with him. Really confused right now!!

I personally don't think there is any right or wrong solution here just damage limitation. It needs a lot of careful thought and consideration on 2 ( and maybe 3) people's feelings.

You have to decide if you are the sort of person who can have sex with someone you like, but do not want to fall in love with, and who feels the same about you. It would have to be an arrangement that had clear boundaries. Is this possible?

Then there is your DH. If he was to know he may feel undermined. It is debatable whether it would help his self esteem though it might take off the pressure.

It could spell the end of your marriage or it could work well. You could of course take a lover and never tell him. Could you live with that? Is it just sex you want or do you want sex with someone you have an emotional connection with?

And BTW masturbating a lot sometimes increases desire rather than satisfying it. There is some evidence that what you don't have, you don't miss and I've friends in sexless marriages who now feel completely asexual and quite happily so!

BTW I'm PMing you with something.

Hi - been a lurker for a while and was prompted to register by this issue.
I have to declare some things before I start:
1,) I am male, and have a Penis ! (lol)
2.) I have had low Testosterone and am getting treatment for it.
3.) My wife is somewhat less interested in Sex than I am.
Now, one or two things I feel compelled to say.
PE is not (as far as I know) anything to do with Low T. Low T will manifest itself as a general feeling of "not being yourself", maybe depression, Anxiety, low motivation and low / no libido.
If your husband can maintain an erection and come easily I would say Low T is not on the cards.
I would suggest a Psychosexual issue to be honest.
You come across as a bit of a strong personality. Nothing wrong with that, but maybe he has picked up on the fact that he does not physically turn you on. This, linked with your strong personality may mean that he is putting huge pressure on himself to perform. (Which again reinforces the theory that his T levels are fine - pressure is not usually helpful to erections!).
Finally, as I said my wife, who I love dearly, has put on a lot of weight and has some health issues meaning that she has a low libido, and looking at it objectively, she is not as attractive as she was (although I still fancy her to be honest.) Now, If I came on here saying that I don't fancy her cos she is fat, and the sex is rubbish, do you think I would be advised to shag someone else on the side?? I don't think so... I would be told to put up with it or leave. I have read some debate on here whilst lurking about "Mumsnet double standards" with quite a lot of posters denying it exists.. Well I think we can see it right here !

BTW, I am not 100% convinced this is genuine, it has a whiff of a Cuckold fetishist writing from his wifes viewpoint so to speak. Hope I am wrong.

Hi Davros
(i) Glad to hear you have a penis - but please note that I don't
(ii) Really sorry to hear that, but glad you're getting treatment. Is it working? are there any issues with it?
(iii) I'm really sorry to hear this too; it's miserable and I can understand how you feel, as I guess you can understand how I feel too. What this shows is that sex drive is not an issue solely for women, nor men, but can affect either gender
You're probably right in pointing to 'psychosexual' rather than low testosterone, and all the help we've been given has focused on this, as I've said in previous posts.
I don't see the double standards you point too - rather lots of honest, thoughtful advice that have said "you'd be crazy" to start an affair.
And as for "cuckold fetishist".....I was once quite into ornithology, but that's as far as it goes.

Hi Legal
No problem. Please don't take offence at my questioning you. I am new here and don't want to tread on anyones toes! But I have seen a few threads that ended up being deleted because of suspicious motives.
Yes been getting the treatment. Due to a damaged pituitary by the way.Yes, it works (kind of). It's artificial and does not follow the body's natural rythms but I feel much better thanks. Issues are: Application of Gel is a nuisance. Side effects include increased Red blood cell count (bad). Increased muscle mass and libido (good) and improved mood.
Yes I understand very well about mismatched libidos ! All too well...
Yes in general you got some good advice on here, I was merely making a point that there is in some posters anyway a little variation in responses to certain issues depending on gender of the OP. Many others have commented on many other threads so it is not just me. As I said I have been a lurker for a while now and I generally like the atmosphere here.
Yes I would say psychosexual not physical. Has your partner had this issue before with other partners ?

No worries Davros.
My DH and I have been married for 15 years and the problem has got worse over that time. His sexual experience before we were together was pretty limited I think, but nothing like the problems we have faced over the last few years.
What I'm struggling with is how best to cope without any meaningful sex. We can be physically close and loving which is great and I know we are lucky to have that. But I need something more physically fulfilling, exciting, energetic etc. I'm working out a lot at the gym and I swim/run a lot to try and burn off all the extra energy. It all helps, but still leaves me with a whole let of sexual energy with no where to go.
Must go - have a good day.

Legal
Well, it seems to me that you have some logical options
1.) Get him some psychosexual treatment and send him down to the gym. He might turn into the "sex god" you crave. (Unlikely, but you never know.
2.) Live with it. keep getting hugs and a stable life, whilst wanking furiously about the studs at work.
3.) Have a fling. Get it from elsewhere. There's a school of thought that says life isn't black and white, but shades of grey (not 50 though!). "If he doesn't know, it won't hurt him, after all". I think, reading between the lines of your post, you are already partway down this path, and wanting someone to say "Go ahead". Life is short, your a long time dead etc etc.
Who knows it may also be a catalyst -either you stay with him or leave.
Who knows he may find out and be happy with it !

There is no easy answer. I have learnt that you cannot change your partner. You cannot click your fingers and make them more sexual / better in bed etc etc. They are who they are. You have to decide what you will do. But only YOU can do that, not people on Mumsnet.
But be aware YOU have to deal with any consequences.

davros I used to work in a sex chatline office and you would NOT believe how popular the cuckold fantasy is.
Im NOT saying that's what this thread is btw. Im just responding to davros" comment above.

Darkesteyes
you forget, I am a man! I know very well how popular cuckold fantasies are. I confess to using having used porn, and its quite a big genre in the porn scene. And I have "come across" it in the past, so to speak.
Hence my comment that it reads a bit like a cuckold fantasy. Certain aspects of the story ticked the boxes, as it were.
Legal, I'm not saying that's what the thread is either, just that it "rang some bells".

I understand waht you're saying - that the situation I'm in might be a popular fantasy for some men - but believe me it's nothing of the sort for me as a woman in the middle of it! Every day seems harder than the last.
And this male fantasy image of the sex-starved wife who can't get enough makes it all the harder for my situation to be taken seriously. It's been good to get some thoughtful and sympathetic viewpoints here. So yes if "wife suffers from husband's PE and masturbates daily imagining what it would be like to have real sex" floats your boat then fine. But the look at the first two words again...

Legal
OK lets forget the cuckold bit. I want to help because in some ways (well quite a lot of ways) your situation kind of reflects mine.
Thanks to the T therapy I am back like a teenage boy!
Life is difficult at the moment.
My responses above might seem a bit flippant but the list of "options" are pretty much what I have rationalised for my own situation and they apply to you as well I think.
So - the question is - has talking about it helped, and what will you do ?

Best Wishes.

Just to add..have you considered he might also gain some benefits from opening up your marriage..not just for you but for him also? You say he is happy but is he really? What if he could also get sexual needs fulfilled in a way that was not based solely on the two of you?

Would that be something you could consider at all?

So Davros - your list of options:
(1) is a good option and he and I have been discussing this recently...he may not become a sex god, but it could certainly help. It's like, we may be married, but we both still need to make and effort to attract and excite the other. I think he's up for this, but he just hasn't done anyhting about it yet....!
(2) this too is not a bad option and is certainly a realistic one, esp if (1) doesn't work out. We have a loving marriage that we both want to make work - when we said "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" - I guess this is what we meant. And what I'm missing out on, I can imagine and I have a pretty powerful imagination. It's the narrow divide between imagination and reality that's been worrying me, but as I've been reminded here, I am in control of my own actions and if I want to keep fantasy in my head and not act on it, then I can. I can maybe also focus on imaginary sex with my DH rather than with the guys at work; it may take some time for this to turn me on as much, but I can persevere.
(3) is, for all sorts of reasons, the least good option. Firstly, I never want to deceive my DH. He doesn't deserve that. So any sex I had with someone else would have to be with his knowledge and agreement. It may seem like a solution - but where would it lead? what about the emotions that might grow? and what about the feelings of the other man? would it really help my DH or would it crush him? It would be a pandora's box and so best not to open it.
When I promised my DH 15 years ago that I would love him forever, I meant it. I'm going to stick by him come what may. And what he can't give me sexually I'll make up for in my head and with my fingers and my trusty rabbit. Then he and I can focus on all that we do have and be grateful for it.
Now let's get him down that gym....

Legal
I cannot fault your analysis of my option list, and, for what its worth, I approve!
I may have said you cannot make people change, but they can TRY.
Sometimes the trying is enough. (The difficulty comes when the other partner won't make an effort because in their world everything is fine).
Then you start feeling undervalued.

When I promised my DH 15 years ago that I would love him forever, I meant it. I'm going to stick by him come what may. And what he can't give me sexually I'll make up for in my head and with my fingers and my trusty rabbit.

And what about what he promised you? "to love and to cherish" "with my body I thee worship" Why does he get a "get out of jail free card" when it comes to his vows. And yet you keep yours come what may.

I think the sexist notions that women don't/shouldn't like sex make it harder for women in this situation and that is why more women are expected to "put up and shut up"

Umm Darkesteyes
to be fair the vows cut both ways and it isn't TOTALLY a gender issue (although I do agree that there is more societal pressure on women to not be sexually demanding - although I think this is far less of an issue these days.)
There are plenty of men wrestling with their conscience in the same way.
Its well documented that womens sex drives often decrease especially after having children. A fairly common response to a man coming here and complaining about this is that he is told to do more housework, that he is not "entitled" to sex, and that many people have sexless marriages and are happy.
My own viewpoint is that sex is important - and should be for both parties.
You talk about his "get out of jail free card". If he has a medical issue that is not very understanding is it ? By that logic, as my wife has much less interest in sex and has medical issues that make it rare, should I play that game? and go shag someone else ?
Just making a comment, not having a go !

although I think this is far less of an issue these days.)

Wow I guess I must be imagining all the slut shaming that goes and all the information collated by the Everyday Sexism website then Righty O

And the OPs DH needs to talk and communicate if he is ill. And I DO know what I am talking about.

Darkesteyes.
Well as a man I guess I'm not really qualified to comment on that.
At least we agree that he should talk and communicate if he is ill.
All the best.

Sorry I was a bit tetchy last night. But having been in a sexless marriage myself for 18 yrs and then blamed and slut shamed by my own DM for having an affair several years ago(due in part to Catholicism and culture) ive already been through it and come out the other side.

And things really haven't changed that much for women I saw a recent news debate where it was said that they don't want to make the morning after pill free because they think it will "make" women more promiscuous.
They were using EXACTLY the same argument back in the 1960s in regards to the combined Pill. Not as much has changed as people think it has!