Is it normal

[Veryconfusedme77]

Together for 6 years, married for 3, DD aged 2. I feel like our relationship is over in a way. He is a great guy and dad but i think we both are not in love with each other anymore even though we love each other very much. There is no romance or sex or anything of what used to make our relationship so special. Beyond child duties and house stuff we don't share anything, we have very little to talk about. I feel like we are flat mates, not husband and wife. We just get on with things day after day and argue constantly about rather silly stuff related to everyday life. It's exhausting and very lonely. I feel so so lonely and depressed about it. We are in our mid 30s so I find it hard to imagine the rest of my life like this. At the same time I'm not thinking for one moment I want it to be over, I think we made a commitment to each other and also to out DD. But is it normal to be like this? I understand relationships change with time, and it's not going to be honeymoon forever, but like this? Is it normal not to be in love anymore, just love your partner? I don't know how you get it back? Is it even possible?

It's hard for me to say because my relationship was a complete disaster... but you obviously care for your DH very much. Could you talk about this with him? Have counseling? Do you know how he feels? Sorry if my comments aren't much help, I just felt for you and wanted to reply...

Relationships have to be worked at. If there is no spark of romance, what are you doing to keep it alive? We are all guilty of sitting back and making excuses about work, house work, commuting, activities, children etc. Provided you aren't arguing then it's salvageable. But its up to you to work out how.

Some people need the grand gestures of flowers, wine, meals, jewellery and a large stuffed animals on birthdays, valentines and Christmas; where as others are content with every day affection, the fact someone made you a cup of tea, was in from work first and ran the hoover round, took the kids to the park on a Saturday so you can have some down time.

Unless you have a vast extended family on which to palm your children off on a weekend, romance and sex will take a back burner until the phenomenon known as The Sleep Over manifests. There you will get 12 hours of uninterrupted couple time.

as I said at the beginning, relationships have to be worked at. If you take each other for granted, then that's when trouble occurs. Always communicate it doesn't matter how mundane.

Thank you. Yes I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't agree about the not being in love anymore part. He recognises we are in a bad place but his reaction is either totally blaming it on me and my low mood etc or being overly optimistic and kind of dismissing it in the way don't worry it will get better. Yes but how I wonder!!

Oh in the above context you is plural not singular before Im accused of telling the OP shes not making an effort

Of course it's not normal. Long term relationships do find a bit of a groove of familiarity... that's the nature of long-term love ... but there should always be kindness, physical affection, respect, support and the confidence that comes from knowing that you are both special to each other.

If you're depressed, lonely & not even friends then it's not love, it's just a poor marriage. If you're modelling an unhappy marriage to your DD and forcing her to live in an atmosphere of constant argument over trivial matters you're doing her no favours whatsoever. It's very stressful for a child to grow up like that.

To get back the elements that take you from argumentative flat-mates to partners you have to both be prepared to talk, make changes, and consciously relate to each other in a kind, affectionate and respectful way. Love is a verb... as they say in primary school 'a doing word'. Do love.

I think it is quite normal for people with young kids to feel tired, despairing and a bit low at times - it is exhausting work, and very full on.

However, I do think there are proactive things you can do to help. The first is to get yourself to the GP to check if you're depressed, because the kind of feelings you describe sound a lot like it.

The second thing is to reconnect with DH. Is there anyone who can take the kids for a weekend, to let you both get away and enjoy some time alone together? Then, you need to build some time into the week/fornight that is for the two of you - hire a babysitter, and go out to the pub or to dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy - it could just be a trip to Wetherspooons! But the point is that you get to spend some time remembering why you got together in the first place . It's easy to let that stuff slide because you're tired, and it feels like another thing to do - BUT it's important because it will give you the resources you need to get through the week more efficiently. There's no point running yourself into the ground, to the point that you can't actually get as much done in the day as you'd like because you're feeling so low. Better to skip a couple of chores, go out and have fun, and then feel happy and refreshed for the next day.

Thanks everyone, your posts make me feel less lonely. I do agree that we need to work on things, just not sure how. We have no one to look after DD and DH doesn't want baby sitters.. So at the moment we never been out since DD was born so a looong time.
Regarding depression, I think I might be depressed but how is the GP going to help?

A GP can potentially treat the symptoms of clinical depression but, if your depression is related to your relationship/environment they can't tackle the cause. If you're married to someone who would rather snipe at you than go out and spend time with you, for example, that's not something you can fix in a doctor's surgery.

Veryconfused - the GP can get you access to antidepressants, and even to counselling.

I speak as someone who always said 'I will NEVER take a pill to sort out life problems'. Then I became depressed. I had it pretty badly - it was like I couldn't even feel any more - that life was just a big, black hole of unending despair, and that I would never be able to feel happy again. I was totally paralysed, and it was like my head was full of white noise so I couldn't even think straight.

In the end, I was so bad that I figured that it was between going to the GP and ending it all. So I went along and they put me on pills. Taking the first one was a struggle - I felt like I was sealing the fact that I was a failure, rather than seeing it in a more sensible way as that I was actually taking some responsible steps to get help. I kind of expected the pill to make colour and joy burst out... and nothing happened. However, the doctor had told me that it took around 6 weeks for the pills to have an effect, so I kept taking them.

Gradually - and I mean very, very slowly - the edge of despair started to fade. The pills didn't make me happy. They didn't change my life. But they gave me just a tiny bit of relief that created the headspace to THINK. Slowly, I came to see that there were things I could do to feel better - and, what's more - I gradually gained the ability to do them. Whereas leaving the house had been a huge battle, it became something I could actually do, and the light and air outside helped me no end.

This is what antidepressants do: they aren't a magic bullet or some kind of 'artificial high'. They simply lift the edge of the cloud enough that you can see how to go forward, and have the energy to do it.

It takes effort to maintain a long term relationship. You have to make time for each other. Life gets mundane when you are running a household and raising children and relationships can suffer because of that.
Arrange some time together, even on an evening after the kids have gone to bed. Have dinner together, turn the TV off, talk, put some music on, dance, enjoy each other's company beyond just being mates. Talk, listen, be honest & share.

Losing "that loving feeling" from time to time in a lifelong relationship is not that unusual. But a couple of things you said concern me:

"We...argue constantly" - this is not normal in the long term. If the arguments rarely let up and you can't laugh about them together and kiss and make up, there is something wrong. Also:

"DH doesn't want a sitter" - it sounds as if you do, then? If this is an example of one of these arguments, in which he gets his way and you resentfully live with the consequences, that can be extremely toxic to a relationship. Also, if you are a full time carer to dd and never get any time off at all - due to his preference - it is no wonder you are feeling tired, jaded and lonely.

Your DH doesn't want babysitters? That sounds a bit controlling of him, tbh.

Do you use any childcare at all?

Struggling100 thanks for sharing your experience. I do feel like that about pills, I wouldn't want to take them but I'm thinking some talking help might do me good, or even us as a couple but not sure if DH would do it. He's not controlling and I'm not full time carer. I work a busy job 4 days a week while DD is in nursery. I would be ok with a sitter, finding a good one obviously and only for a few nights out not all the times. But DH argument is that we don't need it as we can ask his family sometimes. Too bad they aren't hands on with my DD, are busy themselves and never really offer help so it becomes an issue to ask or favors. I think for him might be a trust issue with a stranger. But I do agree with you all, we need to make time somehow to spend some couple time without DD. I just feel so stuck in a rut

DW is the same as your DH OP RE: Babysitting, it is as you say a lack of trust, yet when you have no supportive family nearby there is no other way to get a break and reconnect as a couple.

I'm sure this is a factor in our problems.

OP I could of written your post as I'm going through almost the exact thing. It's not normal to feel like this or to be together as a man and wife without those true love feelings but believe me I know how hard even the thought of separating is, I feel like I'm in a state of shock and grief like someone has died. Sorry not to have any advice but just wanted you to know your alone in going through something like this.

I have experienced similar in my relationship. We kind of hit a rut where I felt like we were just sharing a house.
We had got to the point where we would work all day, put child to bed, then he would play on his computer and I would read for an hour to unwind then go to bed.
He didn't see an issue, but I felt lime it was weighing down on me so one night brought it up. After a long talk we agreed we need to make more of an effort and that's both of us.
We have agreed to a 'date night' once a month. We struggle for minders so a couple of times our date has been a meal once our child goes to bed - no tv or mobiles, just each other for company.
Our unwind time has changed too and most nights once everything is done for the evening we sit on the sofa together and watch something on tv together that we both want to watch.
It doesn't take a lot of effort, but you both need to be willing to make a little change to get there.

OP - can your nursery care workers babysit? we have no family support either and I found it really hard to trust strangers with my dd. But then we discovered that some of the nursery staff are qualified to babysit and that has really changed things for us! They will bring her home, give her a snack and put her to bed so that we can go out once a month.

Our marriage is not too dissimilar to what you describe, but we are talking about it, and working on it together.

"I think for him might be a trust issue with a stranger."

If he's OK with DD spending most days in a nursery, 'trust issues' are unlikely . He may not be a bully but it sounds very much as though he doesn't want to spend time with you and is making excuses.

I think there is a difference between babysitting for an evening and daytime nursery though Cog. I can appreciate that trusting nursery staff to look after you DCs is a lot easier in day time, in a relatively controlled environment, with multiple adults. Compared to say, a single adult, in your own home when DCs are asleep. DW has concerns about what would happen if they wake up with an unfamiliar face, how they would cope being calmed down etc. should the situation arise.

Then again he could just be making excuses. OP's call I guess.

OP - It's sort of normal compared to my relationship, parents, housemates, friends (though we don't argue). Sums it up really. It shouldn't be this way, you know that and I know that. Not everyone seems to recognise this though. Some good advice earlier, not easy to put into practice with a partner that doesn't see a problem.

Personally I don't see what's likely to go wrong having a single adult in the house doing nothing more taxing (probably) than watching TV and sipping tea with the baby asleep in their own bed... parents' mobile number handy in case of emergencies.

I think, if you want something to happen badly enough, you'll make it happen.

Re the depression OP - You might be depressed - I don't know you but you are definitely fed up and they're not the same thing. You sound trapped with a man who is emotionally lazy at best. I believe the babysitter thing is a red herring.

I'd be having The Talk with him about how to move forward and be emphasising that no matter how he feels, YOU'RE not happy with the status quo and things have to change.

Relationships are like flowers, they need TLC or they wither and die.

Of course with a very small DD, its really hard to give it that TLC.

It will get easier as she grows. Mine are nearly 5 and 2.5 now, my youngest is at last sleeping OK, we are out of nappies, I can feel a new phase on the horizon with DH. Of course our relationship is changed beyond recognition from what it was pre-kids, but not for the worse.

In the meantime why don't you sit down with your DH, tell him you love him and want to devote some time to getting to know each other again after the lovely bomb going off in your relationship that was your DD. If you can't go out in the evenings, you can get a bottle of wine and cook something new and exciting together that you both fancy eating and have never had before, and watch a film on DVD.

Practice being physical again. Hold hands when you are watching TV. You will feel like an idiot at first but it soon comes back.

Remember, you both are in the same boat, you both feel lonely and like life is a treadmill of chores and responsibilities, you both feel that your needs are unmet because of the burden of caring for a small dependent child. You both want someone to show you some love and tenderness and look after YOU for a change. You have much in common!

Be kind and gentle to each other and you might well find things feel totally different soon.

PS I don't think there is anything wrong in not wanting a babysitter. Mine are nearly 5 and 2.5 and I wouldn't leave them with anyone other than my parents or my close friend in the night. If my 2.5 yr old son woke up and a stranger was there, he would be extremely distressed.

Some times when the romance & sex have had a dry patch it's difficult to deal with as it becomes a much bigger issue than it needs to be. People have mentioned help with low moods, date nights, making time ect all great advise. I would offer you this piece of advice for when your ready....

To get sex life/sex drive back on track have sex every day for 7 days...a lot I know & not the easiest thing to do but it works!! It doesn't need to be hourly sessions just a quickly in kitchen when babes in bed or getting in shower together my sex drive often drops for several weeks due to my depression but if really helps getting it back up good luck

I think it's pretty normal when you have young children to get into a bit of an 'existing' mode for a few years. There are worse places to be than being 'comfortable' in a relationship you know.
If, however, the demonstrations of love are important to you, then you need to specifically let your partner know this (I'm not specifically talking to OP, but anyone in a relationship) as not everyone needs that reassurance.
I can't understand the 'not getting a sitter' pov, but I know there are a lot of posters on here who don't, so I'm prepared to accept that's his choice, although it seems a shame if it means you can never have a 'date' or evening out with each other.

What do you do for you, OP ? I think it's really important to do something where you are not at work and not just 'Mum' - doesn't matter what it is - some exercise or a choir or some volunteering or just a monthly night at the pictures or meal out with a girl friend, whilst your dh has your dd.
HAve you tried saying 'I'd like to go to (meal / theatre / gig /dancing / whatever) one day before the end of the month, as you aren't happy with me getting a sitter, can you arrange for one of your family to sit one night please?' and specifically asking, rather than waiting for them to volunteer?