About to break up my family. Am I doing the right thing or being a stupid self indulged bitch?

[MrsNooneNow]

Dp & I have been together for 16 years.
4 dc. 11,9 &7. Baby is 3 months old.

Dp is a hard worker. Not being horrible but he's a basic man. Easily pleased. Asks nothing of me. He's shouted at me once in 16 yesrs. He goes out about once a month for a few pints, that's it really. Doesn't object to anything i do.

The downside? We've nothing in common. He can't hold a conversation. He's useless with the house or dc. Not supportive of me in the emotional sense. Never asks if im ok or how I'm doing, I do ask him.

In many respects our relationship worked well. Dp is quiet & I'm not...almost polar opposites.

This last year has been very tough. Dp hasn't supported me. During the pregnancy, birth or the weeks after. When I try to speak to him he says,' tell me what to do'. After all these years & 4 dc I still have to 'ask' him to do anything that needs doing. So he wouldn't think to put dinner on. He wouldn't wash & dress the dc that sort of thing. I've not had a full nights sleep since the baby arrived, fair enough but nor have I had a rest. I feel totally unsupported & uncared for. He was meant to take the dc out today but was hungover & it never happened as i didn't organise it.

I told dp how I've been feeling last week. He said he'd try harder to help. Today has been a tough day so i tried to talk to dp, he didn't even acknowledge I was talking. I'm so angry & pissed off with this situation so I told him. The usual no response. So I've asked him to move out.

Am I over reacting? Is this a post natel issue?
How can I make dp understand how I feel?
Do I need to shut the fuck up & count my blessings?

How do I live with this? The alternative is breaking up our family.

Thanks.

Do you work? How can you manage financially?

Yes i work. Will be going back in 8 weeks. Financially? It would be difficult with childcare. Dp is self employed so if he wanted to, lots of money could disappear.

We've never married, as I didn't organise it!

House is mine. I own a few properties.

What was it like in your early years together?

And how was he with your older dc as babies?

What changed?

Sorry I'm on my phone & -I've just lost a big long reply!

We were both very different people when we met.

He did more for the older dc as his job was set hours & they were ff.

The changes are massive. My mum & sister were my emotional support. My mum had a massive stroke & is in long term care. My sister immigrated to New Zealand last September.

Dp is self employed. His work comes before me & the dc. One of the dc is having an operation this week. He will only take 2 days off. So I'm on my own with a ebf baby. A small dc in serious pain & the older two. When I explained I was stressed by the prospect, he kept saying we will a it by ear...

Play it by ear...

Might be worthwhile having some marriage counselling before separating.

Even if it just helps with the communication and dealing with the dcs post-separation.

How do i deal with how he's making me feel right now?

He's possibly the last person on this planet to go to counselling but i could suggest it...I'm not really interested in counselling, a bit wishy washy for my liking but I would try it.

It could be a post-natal issue or any number of drifting apart elements. It sounds sad. I'm sorry. When did things change?
Are you attracted to or involved with anyone else?

No you are being perfectly reasonable splitting up. You have nothing in common. And you will be fine.

I don't think you're post-natal; I think you now have 4 children and are making the rational decision that he does not bring much to the table emotionally or practically, other than a salary.

What was his response when you asked him to move out?

No I'm not attracted or involved with anyone else...4 dc, baby of 12 wweeks! When on earth would I get the time even if I had the inclination...!

He didn't really answer me when I asked him to move out. He just looked sad.

I feel like a bitch. I hate this but I can't spend another 16years feeling like this. I'm so disappointed in dp. We both wanted this baby so much but I spent most of my pregnancy feeling lonely & isolated. He wasn't intreasted. He didn't come to the 12 weeks scan even though he could have done. He knew I was terrified of that scan due to previous miscarriages.

He's not a bad person but it's the lack of involvement, communication & interest that I'm struggling with.

that sounds horrible. Was there a particular time this started to be the case or is an intensification of something that's always been? It's okay if you want to separate, that's totally your right, give yourself permission to leave. If you do that, you will feel much more clearly what you really want for sure, without guilt or resentment getting in the way.

I also think a separation is a good idea. It will give you some head space to think and plan calmly. It might, just might, light a fire under DP's arse to wake up and reprioritise his life, and 'win' you back. Who knows, but some realistic thinking time is valuable. Can anyone come and help you with the baby, even just for a weekend? I'm very sorry about your mum.

My dh is self employed having been made redundant from a job he'd held for 20+ years. He became totally engrossed in trying to forge his new life and I and DDs were sidelined. I think he got depressed and started picking arguments on tiny things. I don't have much tolerance and eventually suggested he move out thinking a couple of weeks would put his head back in the right place.

Four years later, we are still amicably separated. Both of us are penniless scraping to get through each month. I think he still suffers depression and is still so very self centred but of course doesn't have to think of anyone but himself. He visits me and the girls but doesn't hold a father role now. He breezes in and out.

Now one DD suffering badly citing her depression partly down to losing her dad. "That was when it started".

I think that counselling can be valuable when even when separating, even if you have no real desire to improve the relationship together, by opening up communication which would be useful moving forward as you will still be parenting the dcs together. It could be good to have a professional involved to help with this.

It does sound like lack of communication is a real problem.

I'm sorry for you, it does sound like an unhappy situation you're in.

I don't think your marriage is necessarily dead, yet. This seems more like a problem of losing the support of your female family members than anything in particular about your husband. Perhaps you could get that support elsewhere, either by making new friends, getting counselling, speaking to your sister on Skype as much as possible, etc. Your DP sounds like a good man and hopefully this will be a wake up call for him that he needs to try harder.

I think your emotions are all over the place mainly cos u haven't long had a baby. Your husband is basically a good man if there's no one else involved you should try and work it out your kids are young and surely you should try and work things out whilst you have a. Baby, get some counselling and try and get some me time, if in a years time you feel the same then consider it

Four kids! So you were still shagging after having three kids, that doesn't say emotional death to me.

I think you should probably separate, perhaps it will be the rocket up the arse he needs, and don't be surprised if you too realise what you're missing.

OP is not married. It could be that you have changed and he has fundamentally not. He seems happy as he is.

Has he left yet?.

Relationship counselling could help here, can give you a much kinder better understood split or maybe a better outcome...

It isn't a good time to make such a major life changing decision turning the entire family upside down. I think it would make more sense to recover a bit from the pregnancy and your current hormonal state so you can be sure you are thinking straight.
It will be damaging for the children but you have to weigh that up against your misery. Right now though is not the time.

With regards to support, OP - try contacting Homestart. They'll help you in a practical or emotional way.
Homestart

I wouldn't do anything drastic with a new baby. Wait until your baby is a year old and then reassess. As this was a planned pregnancy, it obviously has not been bad for long, so there is no urgent need to do anything at the moment.

With the age gap of your children, you may have forgotten how tough new babies are on relationships & how they turn everything upside down. Unless there is abuse, I wouldn't advise anyone to make a life changing decision in the first year of a new baby.

If you can I'd sit tight for a bit. 3 month old babies are basically awful and sap the life out of anyone - a good relationship will suffer let alone a bad one. I love both my dc but 12 weeks in is just about the worst time ever with a new baby.

I would sit down and talk and spell it out to him what you need him to do. Reassess in 6 months time. (Not as calculated as that obviously but give it some time).

I am now in my third marriage. Finally happy. With my first I ended it much due to reasons like yours. While I don't regret ending it because my life would have been different I do look back and feel I could have told him in clearer terms what was going round. I grew more and more resentful and when I finally told him it was over he didn't really understand what he'd done wrong. He was genuinely in the dark.

So start by scheduling time for you away from the dc. He needs to look after them on their own more, to appreciate what you do as well as to bond more with them.

I think it would be a bit rash to leave a man you have 4 children with over this sort of thing before really giving your relationship a good kicking to see if there's any life in it.