About to break up my family. Am I doing the right thing or being a stupid self indulged bitch?

[MrsNooneNow]

Dp & I have been together for 16 years.
4 dc. 11,9 &7. Baby is 3 months old.

Dp is a hard worker. Not being horrible but he's a basic man. Easily pleased. Asks nothing of me. He's shouted at me once in 16 yesrs. He goes out about once a month for a few pints, that's it really. Doesn't object to anything i do.

The downside? We've nothing in common. He can't hold a conversation. He's useless with the house or dc. Not supportive of me in the emotional sense. Never asks if im ok or how I'm doing, I do ask him.

In many respects our relationship worked well. Dp is quiet & I'm not...almost polar opposites.

This last year has been very tough. Dp hasn't supported me. During the pregnancy, birth or the weeks after. When I try to speak to him he says,' tell me what to do'. After all these years & 4 dc I still have to 'ask' him to do anything that needs doing. So he wouldn't think to put dinner on. He wouldn't wash & dress the dc that sort of thing. I've not had a full nights sleep since the baby arrived, fair enough but nor have I had a rest. I feel totally unsupported & uncared for. He was meant to take the dc out today but was hungover & it never happened as i didn't organise it.

I told dp how I've been feeling last week. He said he'd try harder to help. Today has been a tough day so i tried to talk to dp, he didn't even acknowledge I was talking. I'm so angry & pissed off with this situation so I told him. The usual no response. So I've asked him to move out.

Am I over reacting? Is this a post natel issue?
How can I make dp understand how I feel?
Do I need to shut the fuck up & count my blessings?

How do I live with this? The alternative is breaking up our family.

Thanks.

I agree that life changing decisions are dangerous in the post natal period. This sounds like a crap relationship, but not an utterly unfixable one - presumably you didn't think it was doomed 12 months ago. Mind you, asking him to move out might give him the shock he needs to take relationship counselling seriously rather than going through the motions to shut you up.

My marriage is slightly similar (7 years together, 2 DC). For now I have decided to hang in. I already feel like on my own most of the time. Separation would be a huge inconvenience due to existing practical arrangements. I view it as a practical marriage. If I wanted, I could always look for somebody else (and then leave), as there is no control from H side. I use my friends for emotional support.

Perhaps it helps as I am not massively emotional or romantic myself so it kind of suits me.

I'd suggest give yourself a timescale until the baby is a bit bigger (6 months) and then decide.

Thanks for so many replies.

Terrible night with baby, seriously considering formula.

Dp has always been very quiet & not a good talker but he would try. He doesn't seem to try anymore. He doesn't make an effort at all. It was my birthday a few months ago & even I was shocked by his lack of effort. We always make a fuss of birthdays.

I don't feel depressed. I had post natel depression & it didn't feel like this. The reason I suggested it being a post natel 'thing' was that, in the weeks or months following giving birth most women need some amount of extra support & TLC.

I talk to my sister on Skype but I can't tell her what's really going on. There's no point, she can't help. She feels guilty enough by leaving my mum.

We don't have any close friends. I have a best friend but she lives an hour away. Dp has a friend from childhood but they go out, he's not my friend, iyswim?

Our neighbour stayed with the dc when I had the baby. I was only gone a few hours as we didn't have anyone to look after the dc. We've no one to help. All help now is paid for.

It's things like, this morning. He hasn't said anything but he's not gone to work. His car is going to the garage. He didn't say it to me. He makes plans but never says anything. I didn't know he was going out on Saturday until his friend turned up in the middle of our dinner.

Finally, our situation is unusual as I'm not financially dependent on dp. I own our house. It's mortgage free in 14 months! I am self employed. I work from home. I will use childcare 3 days a week so I can get to appointments etc but only for the baby. This arrangement is much convenient for him rather than me.

He's not said anything so far, apart from talking about his car...

Sorry just to add. I've told him very very clearly how I feel and why.

12 months ago our lives were very different. We had 2 lots family just a couple of roads away. I would be at my mums or sisters. They would come here. I had them to talk to. My sister & i looked after each others dc. We would all go out. My niece would baby sit.

Now I visit my mum in a home once a week to collect to collect her washing. Talk to her even though she can't respond. My sister and i Skype a couple of times a week but we're struggling to make conversation as we used to talk about day to day stuff.

I can't believe how different things are now. It's only been 8 months.

I think you may be missing your family more than you realise and putting all your expectations on him now esp as you have no close friends. Could you join a book group/gym/evening class just to widen your circle and take the focus off him?

It would be very difficultnoddy.

Dp works shifts across 7 days. I'm on ML at the moment. Back to work in 8 weeks. So i work school hours/evenings & weekends, according to what dp is working.

I don't underestimate how much i miss my family at all. It's dp not acknowledging it or telling me to talk about something else is a problem.

Oh, OP - you've been through such a lot lately, with a new arrival, and your mum ill and your sister emigrating. I think anyone would feel stressed and overstretched with such a combination of things to deal with. I am honestly not surprised you're at the end of your tether.

I think your partner needs to give you more support, but I'm not sure that he's incapable of doing this. I do understand what it's like to live without any support at home (my ex didn't lift a finger without a colossal moaning session), but some men can change once they realise the strain it causes.

I think some marriage counselling might really help - not to mention that you more than likely would benefit from talking through everything that's hit you lately.

I actually think you've done the right thing in asking him to leave, he sounds so pathetic I feel I want to slap him! What adult has to be asked to put some dinner on FFS?!

He sounds like a mill stone around your neck and I think you'd be better off alone than with him dragging you down. What does he bring to the table exactly? I could just about see the point if he was funny/good company/amazing in bed or whatever. But he just sounds like a boring, miserable non-person and I think you can do better than to tie yourself to someone so energy-sapping for the rest of your life.

Sorry if this sounds harsh! But life is too short, it really is. And I don't think blaming your feelings on PND/hormones is fair on you, from what I can see you are perfectly rational and he is a waste of space.

He is not patethic, he is just being himself I believe. My husband is exactly the same - he does not do talking, or at least the type of talking I would expect. Perhaps he just feels helpless if I moan (and he cannot help practically), and he does not like this feeling. Not that I am justifying it... but some men are like that.

OP you have been through a lot lately. If you really feel like leaving DP, you would do and without asking for MN opinion. And believe me, if you decide to leave, you will do it regardless of everyone else involved. But in the time being you don't seem to be sure. Would you feel better if you were back at work on your feet and interacting socially? I find that I "rest" at work and come home with clear mind. My H is mostly very silent and mostly sits on computer, so I just get along doing my own things and taking care of DC - which I both love - or go for shopping, or to see my friend - all of which helps not to feel isolated.

I thought of divorce many times but cannot do it just yet. I don't feel ready. Maybe I will never feel. Or maybe my H will decide to leave this limbo first.

You can PM me if you need to talk.

While I agree that a 3mo baby is incredibly knackering I feel that the hormones argument is unfair. Your feelings appear quite rational to me. The massively huge change in the level is family support have merely shown more clearly how inept your h is in terms of supporting you or mucking in with family life. He won't talk to you about this: so either he can't (in which case joint counselling will help) or doesn't value you enough to hear you. I suspect given that he doesn't even see fit to tell you about shift changes or daily plans that it could be the latter. I would try and figure all this out now because when you go back to work things could become even more difficult (being solely responsible for the work of raising four children). Wish you all the best.