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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very unhappy but trapped

31 replies

Summerwood1 · 06/04/2014 18:42

I've been married 14 years now. We have two children aged 14 & 8 years. I am desperately unhappy he is a terrible husband and father,but I am indeed trapped because of the house. We have a nice detached house that I love but if we were to split and sell the house once we've paid the mortgage back we would only have about £60000 each which is not any where near enough to buy any thing else. Also I only work part time hours so would not earn enough on my own to get a new mortgage. It's horrid when you are trapped in a situation that you can't get out of . Don't know why I've wrote this post,don't know what answers I'm expecting back,guess just makes me feel better to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 06/04/2014 18:44

It always helps to talk, and I've had some fantastic advice and support posting on MN.

Back soon.

quietlysuggests · 06/04/2014 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 06/04/2014 18:47

My divorce lawyer said this to me - assuming your youngest stays in fulltime education till 18, you don't have to sell the house for ten tears, but can you cover the mortgage yourself? I said yes, that's what I would do.

Don't forget you will have your wages, child support, child tax credit and child benefit.

pilates · 06/04/2014 18:51

Can you go and get some legal advice? I think some do a free half hour. Good luck and hope you get out of this horrible situation. Not good for you or the children.

Original poster
Summerwood1 · 06/04/2014 19:03

The only problem is (which is a big problem) he will not leave the house,we only have 7seven years left on the mortgage. No way would he leave it and whilst he has to find somewhere else. Interesting what you nice people have said about still being able to stay in the house though if the worse did come to the worse. Is it a legal think that as long as I payed the mortgage,we could stay here until my youngest finishes full time education?

OP posts:
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/04/2014 19:03

Genuinely asking, completely ignorant on such matters, but how do you get benefit help if you own a house? Surely you can't continue to live in a valuable house and get benefits? Wouldn't you have to sell it and live off the proceeds? I always assumed that if dh and I went our seperate ways we'd have to sell up and split what's left. I couldn't pay anything on my own. He could go and get another mortgage but I couldn't, I don't work because the children are young. I assumed that I'd have to rent until the money ran out and then apply for help?

Sorry to hijack Summerwood1, I have considered this too.

Original poster
Summerwood1 · 06/04/2014 19:11

Hello I lovely dog,this is how i see things too,would be interesting to find out the facts if anyone can help us?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 06/04/2014 19:21

When my ExH left us, I stayed in the house, took on the mortgage, and carried on in my job.

I received child support from him, tax credits including help with childcare from HMRC, and the then universal child benefit.

ExH couldn't force the sale but could have put a charge on the house for the future ie when the younger child left education. I borrowed some money and bought him out, so he could put a deposit down on his own house. He bit my hand off.

Worked out best, really.

AFishCalledBarry · 06/04/2014 19:24

Ilovemydog I wasn't working when I split from xh. I went onto income support because dd was only one. I get the interest covered on my mortgage (which is fortunately interest only)

The difference with hb and having a mortgage is that as soon as I start working again I will no longer be entitled to that help. If I were renting I might still get a certain amount of help depending on income.

hamptoncourt · 06/04/2014 19:34

OP to get him to leave the house you have to divorce him and then he will probably have to leave as the court will make an occupation order as part of the settlement.

If you work at least 16 hours a week ( can be more than one job if this helps)you should get tax credits ( they do not take child maintenance into consideration) and he will have to pay you 20% of his take home pay for the DC.

What you need is a mesher order so you get to stay in the house until youngest child is 18. His name has to stay on mortgage until house sold.

Get some proper legal advice.

Ragwort · 06/04/2014 19:43

ILove a person in these circumstances would be entitled to benefits; my friend was in the same position, even she was surprised at the amount of benefts she was entitled to. In the end she left her 'lovely detatched' home and is happily renting a very nice property - for which housing benefit. or the full rent, not sure what it is called, is paid in full.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/04/2014 20:07

That's interesting Ragwort, thanks. I wouldn't care about losing the house at all but it is the dc's home and a five minute walk from their school. I wouldn't want to uproot them but I assumed that a benefit check would say 'on yer bike love, you've got 100k equity share if you liquidise your assets, you can live on that.' Etc. Including our mortgage our household bills are about 2k a month. I don't have any income or savings anymore. I couldn't stay here if I had to take over paying for everything and neither could dh if he also had to pay for a second home for himself.

wellcoveredsparerib · 06/04/2014 20:10

£60,000 may not be enough to buy you a home, but it is a good deposit. You could also look for full time work, and would be getting child maintenance and perhaps be eligible for means tested benefits

You may not be able to have the same material standard of living if you separate from your husband but you are not trapped, you have options.

LineRunner · 06/04/2014 20:12

I think the equity share in a home you live in with children is irrelevant to tax credits and benefits etc. But you can borrow against your share to buy out the other half.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/04/2014 20:17

But how could I borrow, for example, if I have no income? How does it work? Do you promise to pay it back once the children are 18 and you sell the house? You'd rack up a lot of interest in the mean time. My youngest is 4.

If we did sell our house and split the proceeds after paying off the mortgage, we would have about 100k each. Sure any benefits would be means tested? I wouldn't expect any help from anyone if I had money sitting in the bank, regardless of whether I could afford to buy or have a mortgage.

Would it be different if I stayed in the family home then and didn't sell up?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 06/04/2014 20:21

Ditto wellcover.... You are NOT trapped and if you want out you can get out. Saying you are trapped doesn't help you and many people would be shocked at 60k being talked about as if it's a problem and not enough to be of significant help to you choosing a more independent and happier life for yourself. Good luck taking control of your life op:)

LineRunner · 06/04/2014 20:27

Ilove, if you sell then yes your savings are means tested. If you live in the home, it is different.

My DCs were little, too, just 3 and 5. I paid a mortgage and the interest on the loan. Twelve years on I am glad I did it. But I worked fulltime and that isn't for everyone's circumstances, I know.

Child support, child benefit and child tax credit made a huge difference, btw.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/04/2014 20:32

So if I kicked my h out the state would happily pay for me and the children to stay in our home?

Discomama · 06/04/2014 20:32

I was unhappy, I moved out of family home as he refused. I now rent with the 3 DC's in the same town. I get tax credits, working tax credits and housing and council tax benefits. I work 19 hours a week. When he buys me out I'll be lucky to see £15k so can't get another mortgage until I meet someone rich (ha!) but rather that than live my life unhappy, and making the people around me unhappy x

LineRunner · 06/04/2014 20:38

Ilove, you can't just kick your husband out, just as he couldn't kick you out. You would need to obtain legal advice.

My situation was sensitively dependent upon my working and having an income. My income wasn't high; but it was enough. The juggling childcare nearly cracked my head at times, though.

FastLoris · 06/04/2014 20:42

I'm having trouble with the numbers OP. If you each would have 60K from sale of the house, then it's worth £120K plus the remaining mortgage. But if the mortgage only has 7 years to go it must be nearly paid off.

I don't know where in the country it's possible to buy a nice detached house for not much more than £120K, but wouldn't it be possible to buy a flat in the same area for not much more than 60K?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/04/2014 20:58

Yeah I assume there'd be some legal ground to work through. Just exploring the options really. Thanks though.

Summerwood1 is any of this any help to you at all?

Original poster
Summerwood1 · 06/04/2014 21:01

We have endowment mortgage so in 7years the endowment policy will pay it off,it's worth about £200000

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 06/04/2014 21:11

Wouldn't going full time solve your problems OP if you couldn't get the house until your youngest is 18? What's the job market like in your area and line of work?

lavenderhoney · 06/04/2014 21:27

You need to see a solicitor to get your facts straight. And also, if he isn't nice to you, and he is unhappy too, be aware he may have already done this and is waiting for the 7 years to be up.

If you don't want to move you could offer to buy him out now. Get the house valued, get the latest mortage statement and go to a lawyer.

You can get a mortgage - look at the government help to buy scheme with new houses etc. or you can rent. You'll possibly have to go full time and change jobs, but that is ok, isn't it?

If you have savings you won't get much help from the state, which I think is only fair.