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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Resentment in a relationship...How do i move forward?

32 replies

Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 10:37

I started to resent how much freedom my dp has.

Basically our dc have made no difference to his work or social life. Whereas now, I have no social life. I am a sahm. No family or friends locally.

I resent him so much. I resent his lack of support, care or understanding. I don't see how we can move on from this point as he doesn't 'get it'. He thinks he is supportive etc.

Is he right? Can we find a solution? Anyone else been in this sort of situation & found a way forward?

OP posts:
Val007 · 06/04/2014 10:42

Stop talking and start acting. Towards a better social life for yourself whilst he babysits ;-)

YoungBodyOldHead · 06/04/2014 10:46

This happens in a lot of relationships.

The woman has a career break, loses her figure, loses her sanity by being at home, ends up doing most of the child rearing.

The man carry's on as normal!

I sometimes feel i fit in this scenario.

Ragwort · 06/04/2014 10:51

What happens if you say 'I am going to meet my friends/go to the cinema/got to the gym' or whatever?

As Val says - you need to take action NOW.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years (by choice) but I made sure I always kept up with my hobbies/interests/friends/activities - Saturdays I would do my own thing - if you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat that is what can happen - harsh but true.

AnUnearthlyChild · 06/04/2014 10:58

I would suggest, as above. don't talk- act

Tell him you are going out and go. Even if it is just for a walk around the block. Join the library and go and read for an hour or two.

Talk is cheap, you have to take the initiative here!

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 11:01

He works shifts. We have dc with SNS & recently a new baby. My closest friend lives nearly 2 hours drive away so needs organising.

I don't really have anywhere to go or anyone to go with! God that sounds pathetic!

Dc sns have meant I'm not at school as the same time as other parents so the few friends I've made since dc started school, aren't really involving us in invites etc. I don't blame them dc behaviour is awful as he can't cope in school.

It's so difficult. I'm busy with the dc so it's hard to get away. I'm tired due to the baby so driving long distances to see my friend isn't practical.

I haven't lost my figure though!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 06/04/2014 11:10

I know it can be difficult - we moved house (200 miles) when I was pregnant so no family or friends and my DS was born with a medical condition. My DH travelled so was often away for a few nights or more at a time.

But I made myself get out and about, went to baby & toddler groups, did voluntary work, went to church, invited people for coffee, went to the library, I went for a long walk every day with my baby in the buggy - you just have to make the effort, no one can do it for you, good luck.

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 11:28

Thanks Ragwort.

I think it's things like he goes out & doesn't get up til lunch time the next day.

He won't bother telling me if there's a change in his shifts.

He just goes out, never invites me or even tells me.

He has done 2 feeds since baby was born.

He will sit down all day unless I force him to take dc out.

Never offers to give me a lie in. When I get a lie in, he doesn't dress/wash/feed dc. Or he'll let them play upstairs/fight etc.

It's about lack of consideration & thought from dp. He doesn't see any of this...

OP posts:
ProlificPenguin · 06/04/2014 13:35

I posted about the exact same thing yesterday! Can you get a babysitter and go out and tell him how you feel?

My DH got very defensive, bullshitted and sulked but I have cleared the air and now going to see how his behaviour changes. His level of taking the piss backfired on him and his taking everything I do for the family for granted is going to when I ask him to do more. I work FT btw but my DH would also sit here all day on a weekend, me waiting on him.

Arrange to see a friend and just leave him to it, give him basic instructions of childcare and go have some fun.

nastymrsvicar · 06/04/2014 13:40

Can you afford childcare to go back to work?

He won't bother doing anything if you don't make him or he doesn't have to.

Please also be aware that if he leaves you or dies, you will be in a very precarious position financially - he will only be obliged to give you child support. Going back to work would give you security and more freedom/break from childrearing.

itwillgetbettersoon · 06/04/2014 14:33

Just tell him you are going out and then go to the cinema or even a coffee shop in a supermarket or even Swimming at the public pool. All can be done on your own and get you out of the house for a couple of hours.

Otherwise resentment will continue and in the end you will end up hating him.

nirishma · 06/04/2014 14:39

Get a job op. I swear you will go insane if you dont go back to work. Nhs preferable as you'll get half price nursery fees (I pay 478 pcm for dd to go full time).

Yout dp will only appreciate the effort you put in if you go away for a bit.

Go away for a long weekend. Stay with your mum and meet up with old friends. They are his kids so there is no excuse. He can book a few days off and look after them.

I promise you will have so much more confidence and energy when you return.

Don't ask him. He doesn't ask you for permission does he? Just tell him when you are going and do it!

Good luck op.

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 16:43

Dd is weeks old. I will be returning to work in another 12 weeks...

My mother died many years ago. I don't have any friends to go away with for the weekend.

I think my point was dp doesn't have consideration for me. I don't ask his permission but why would I pay for a babysitter?

Maybe my post wasn't clear. This is an issue about dp being selfish & unthoughtful not my employment or financial status. I earn much more then dp.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 06/04/2014 17:02

Your DH is clearly very unsupportive - has he always been like this (in which case why did you have a second child with him?) - do you make it clear to him that you expect help with feeding the baby/cooking the meals/cleaning etc etc - if he has never done these things before he's not going to suddenly start is he?

You need to make your expectations absolutely clear to him - ie: you need to feed the baby at 7 o'clock (or whatever), look after the other child and I am going to have a bath. Please do not disturb me.

He is treating you like a doormat, but are you enabling this behaviour?

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 17:14

Thanks ragwort.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 06/04/2014 17:14

Im not sure this is about resentment of his freedom. It sounds like acknowledging he is currently failing at husband and father roles. What can you do? Explain clearly what you feel is lacking and how it makes you feel. If he is not interested in listening there is counselling. If he isn't interested in counselling then you leave him to it.

It's nothing to do with sahm or working its to do with him. He needs to do something not you.

I feel for you. He is not going to change unless he has to.

I wouldn't want to be organising weekends away or anything like it with a new baby. You are looking for him to help out. Are you communicating or are you hoping he'll figure it out himself?

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 17:29

I'm communicating my needs very clearly.

I am now really offended, resentful etc as he is either choosing to be a self absorbed bastard or is incapable. Your right this is nothing to do with work/ sahm etc.

I've never needed dp to help out with stuff. We used to have family to help with dc. His job changed so the dynamics are very different now. There is quite a large gap between baby & next dc.

Ultimately I'm at the point of separating from him unless I can manage the intense resentment I feel for dp. He hasn't really done anything wrong. He just doesn't really do anything! I told him this on Monday. Nothing has changed. He went out last night.

I think it's over. I'm really angry & sarcastic today. He's sitting in the chair like a useless lump! Lovely Sunday...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/04/2014 17:35

Oh dear. I would get yourselves to a relationship therapist. It may be the only way to get your point over to him and for him to have to accept that he needs to start pulling his weight.

I would force him to read the book "Wifework" - he needs to start sharing the whole house/dc thing, you are both entitled to equal leisure time. Your lie in means he gets the dc up, dressed and takes them out.

CurtWild · 06/04/2014 17:45

Hi op..resentment is really hard to deal with and ultimately contributed to the end of my marriage. It was clear early on that my stbxh had no interest in parenting, and it's all very well posters telling you to just hand DC over but you can't make someone step up if they don't want to. I often felt like a single parent to our DC (DD1 is 3 and twins almost 18 months old) as he saw no reason why having them should impact on his social life. He'd often get a call from a mate at ten or eleven at night and bugger off out until the next day, then sleep while teatime.
It's not about how little time you have for yourself, it's about how much time they have for themselves. I personally wasn't bothered about having many nights out, what bothered me more was how many nights out my stbxh felt entitled to have, leaving me at home with three tiny DC.
Far happier on my own.

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 17:46

I read Wifework only a few months ago. Dp hasn't read a book in the whole time I've known him!

As I'm on Mat leave & bf I don't even want or expect equal leisure time. Just some consideration. I've never been keen on counselling but I will suggest it & see what he says. He might surprise me.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 06/04/2014 17:58

Id feel exactly the same. How shit. I'd suggest counselling but if he wasn't keen I'd split. That might wake him up but if not I'd rather be on my own doing it all than seething with resentment with a big lazy kidult on the couch and doing it all anyway.

What an arse. Counselling is the last ditch and at least you will feel like you've tried everything.

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 18:02

Rainbow, it's me who isn't keen on counselling but I will suggest it to dp, as we can't go on like this.

Easy to say, be on your own but I've a young baby & dc with SNs who isn't even in full time school. It is something I'm seriously considering.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 06/04/2014 18:05

Why are you not keen?

Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 18:07

Dc is 7 but on part time hours due to his difficulties. He has no diagnosis. It will probably be 6-9 months before he gets a diagnosis. Then the education setting can be sorted. So I'm stuck in this situation for the foreseeable future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 18:09

I have been to counselling. It's all well & good talking but it's actually doing stuff that changes a situation. Dpis a terrible communicator so it might help him, can but try...

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 06/04/2014 18:10

I know that the only time I seriously talked of splitting was when I had 3 kids, 1baby and the other two under 5. I knew it would be easier on my own. We went for counselling at my husbands suggestion and it probably saved our marriage. But my husband wanted to make it work.

Our communication had pretty much broken down. Counselling helped with that.