Getting Divorced - WARNING RANT ALERT!

[Bugsy2]

Apologies in advance but I really need to vent some steam. Those of you who have followed my sad story will know that I found out my H was having an affair last February. I decided not to throw into the gutter where he deserved to go but to try and make a go of things. We went to counselling (him under duress) and I told no-one (apart from Mumsnet) and other than sleep with him I tried to make life appear normal. Swine that he is, he refused to finish his relationship with HER (although he insisted that they were only friends). Of course, I eventually (July) discovered they were significantly more than friends and suggested that while his relationship with her was ongoing he should move out.
I continued to offer olive branches, conditional on the total cessation of his relationship with HER right up until January of this year. Reached the end of my endurance and am now petitioning for divorce.
He is acting like a complete arse. He is rude to me, constantly threatens me with a crap lifestyle from now on, says I have no idea how much he really pays for (which given that I do all the household accounts is laughable). I have to brace myself everytime he comes around for comments about the state of the house, my inability to get DS into any state primary schools and anything else he can have a go about. He is insisting that I use my savings to pay the deposit for DS to go to private school because he says he hasn't got the money (he earns 8 times what I earn).
Despite endless goading I force myself not to lose my temper but I intensely dislike him. The most ridiculous thing of all is that he says he doesn't want a divorce and he still loves me - loves his wallet more like. However, everytime he says he still loves me, I question if I am making the right decision. I know I am really but go on girls, tell me it is the best thing for me and my babies - pleeeease!!!

he's having a larf, if you forgive the expression

he's not being very nice to you, if a friend did this you'd tell them where to go, or at least ignore them. no one knows if you are making the 'right' decision, but you cannot exist in a relationship imo where one of you ridicules and undermines the other. you obviously want what's best for your babies, it's about time he started putting them first too and not being so petty.

Bugsy2 - sorry haven't seen your story - but it's a familiar one ;o However, I think you're definitely making the right decision. You seem to have made all the effort to get things back on track, but your H just hasn't bothered. I think you'll feel much better when he's an XH. Hope all goes well for you.

Sounds like you know the answer to the question, Bugsy2, though I can't blame you for wondering sometimes - it's a huge step. I definitely think that you think it's the right decision - so it is! Once you've got arrangements sorted out and down on paper, then you'll know where you are and he'll have less opportunity to p*ss you about. grit your teeth and get it over with. Onwards and upwards! Good luck!

Bugsy, have you seen Brat Camp at all? There's a thread about it here - endless goading is what the brats do. Being calm and unaffected by the goading drives them wild but, eventually, stops them doing it.

Obv your situation is different because of the relationship but still, he is behaving just like those brats. Do you want to be married to a brat?

Bugsy you have given him every chance and he has not responded to any opportunity to make amends to you/your children. Why should he this time?

You've stated the facts in your last paragraph. I think that the sooner you get a fixed financial settlement, the sooner you will be able to move on, get a stable family life for the three of you (you and your children I mean). From your post it sounds like he is probably still with his girlfriend so I think your "love his wallet" comment sums it up really.

Good luck.

He's still being childish then.

Divorce is the right thing- what a wonderful new start for you. Do you know any poem's, passages,song off by heart? When he starts, recite something you know in your head over and over again so you can't hear the drivel.

Good luck and well done.

God, he's an arse Bugsy. But you know that. You've kept the moral high ground throughout and you've behaved well despite being treated like crap. If he loves you he needs to prove it. He needs to give HER up totally, for once and for all and grovel and beg you for forgiveness. In fact, he ought to grovel for a good long time before you even consider reconciliation. I think you're right though - he's worried about money and having to hand some over to you, not about your emotional wellbeing. Sorry.

Doesn't the way that he is acting now make you realise that you are doing the right thing. He's being selfish and nasty because he can't get his own way.

message withdrawn

"I intensely dislike him" - I think that says it more than anything Bugsy. It's pretty easy to love someone sometimes but liking them is the crucial bit, far more important in the long-term.

You'll look back in a few months/years time and wonder how you put up with such a brat.

Bugsy, i'm so sorry he's putting you through this. If he loves you the only way you can accept that now is through actions not words.

You're doing the right thing. Come and rant to us all you like.

Enough back up yet Bugsy?
He might say that he loves you, but every one of his actions sows diferent. They are meaningless words, and as you have rightly surmised he is just worried about the damage his is going to cause to his wallet and lifestyle.

You have done evrything possible to try to save this marriage, and throughout the whole thing have put your childrens needs first. He has always put his own needs first. The best thing you can do, for yourlsef, the kids, and him (although the last shouldn't be a consideration) is get the divorce over and done with to bring back some stability into your lives and start afresh.

Sorry to hear about everything bugsy - your h sounds like a complete a**ehole. Just concentrate on your life and do what you want to do - you're a good person and a good mother and he's got nothing to criticize you for.

Bugsy, thinking of you. Am sure it's the best thing but it's so hard. Lots of luck.

Bugsy, it would be unlawful to advise you to murder him, so I won't. But he does sound like a complete tosser. I agree with most of the other postings, you need to get through this as quickly as possible so that you can move on - it's so hard to be treated so badly and yet still feel that there might be some way back. If you accept that there is no way back, it is much easier to move on and genuinely feel that his pathetic carping is entirely irrelevant to your life and feelings. But getting to the stage where you genuinely feel that he is an utterly irrelevant presence in your life is very difficult - pretend though, and it will make you feel better!

I'll join a queue to heap abuse on your h, Bugsy. Can't think of anything new to say about a man who claims to love someone but whose actions don't back this up.
A friend of mine has been through a similar set of experiences over the past few months and her h has only mended his ways financially and with regards to seeing the children, now that he has papers from her solicitor and the CSA. That's what it took, I'm afraid, despite a load of old guff about "still caring deeply".
Very best of luck. You deserve it, and more.

You are great. Thank you all so much. Mumsnet is definitely one of the better things in my life for the last 4 years.
Deep down I feel sure I am doing the right thing but these absurd protestations of love make me wobble mentally. I am finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that I've spent 12 years with someone so selfish. I think it really must show that love is blind (or I'm a bit dim).

Bugsy, you're amazing. You've given the preservation of this marriage one hell of a go & deserve a medal for your endurance.

There probably is a piece of him that loves you (though his love for his wallet may well be a component) but his actions simply aren't loving ones. And it's the actionsnot the wordsthat count.

I don't understand about your so-called "inability to get ds into any state primary schools." Isn't it also your h's responsibiltiy? My dh is very involved in our children's education. Aren't most fathers?

And maybe you or others can explain this to me. . .why do I see this ALL THE TIME, this refusal of ex-h's to pay their share of child support & help to educate their children? Don't they want their own progeny to be happy & successful? Isn't there some kind of biological urge to protect/nurture one's own genetic offspring? (I'm just thinking biologically here, not even emotionally.) The fact is, if your H actually LACKS this desire to support his own childreneven if it's some backhanded way to get back at you or keep his moneyhe is not someone to keep in your life. So I think that even just that is an argument FOR divorce.

It really scares me the ease with which men are able to walk out of their kids' lives financially or otherwise. Someone please explain this to me. Is it all a lot of anger & bluster? Or is it actually REAL, this intent to give their children nothing after a divorce?

Sorry, I'm too incoherent with rage to say anything worthwhile but please can I go round and biff him? Go on, please please PLEASE?

expatkat - I wonder if women are their own worst enemies sometimes re money. We always seem to take ocntrol of the household finances so protecting men from the true cost of things. OTOH, if the men did it, they could fleece the women even more. Don't know the answer.

When he was having one of his "goes" at me about the school situation I did ask him what he had done to help. He pointed out to me in his "burning martyr" voice that he did actually have a job to do, that he paid for everything we did and he worked his "a**e" off to keep us all and that meant that he didn't have the time to do everything else.
I am so SICK of hearing this argument used for everything he doesn't want to do. Its not even as though I don't work and contribute financially - I DO.
He also loves his job and all the glamour that goes with it. I suggested to him last year so many times that maybe he should change jobs, given he seemed to resent how "hard" he had to work to keep us all - but guess what he is still there. He travels to all sorts of wonderful places, he always flys business and often gets upgraded to First. Stays in 5 star hotels in prime locations, goes scuba diving off the Auzzie reefs, gets free helicopter rides around NZ, struts his stuff on Copacobana Beech, gets wined, dined and ego massaged and does also work hard.
Basically, he couldn't really give that much of a toss what school ds goes to, as long as he doesn't have to open his wallet.
Sorry, that turned into another rant - I just have so much stuff burning holes in the ends of my fingers. AHHHHHHH!

Bugsy - yes, you're making the right decision. Get rid, he sounds a right a*se.

MotherInferior - would you like me to hold him down for you while you biff him?