Staying for the kids.

[Frecklesandspecs]

To sum things up, DH and I have been married 5 years. we basically live separate lives under the same roof. I'm a SAHM to 3 kids (eldest coming up to 5) All my husbands children.
I have basically become impartial to his sarcasm, put downs and moaning and I just try to ignore it now.
I used to get upset but now I just don't care. I live my life looking after the kids and doing everything at home whilst trying to brush the real issue aside.
None of my friends know how we live. I feel very lonely and feel down about it but I feel I have to stay for the kids as he is the breadwinner and basically I have nowhere else to go and am financially dependant.
He comes in from work and goes straight to 'his' room now. I sleep in the spare room most of the time. The kids and I hardly see him during the week and at the weekend he just sits upstairs. He doesn't even eat with us.
I feel I've done all I can to be a 'good wife', I leave him to his privacy and work when he wants, we don't share bank accounts and my name is not even on the mortgage.
Thing is, whenever I say anything he becomes defensive or he changes for a few days then we are back at square one. Clearly, there is no love there anymore and I have just put up walls around myself now to shut out the nasty comments and criticising.

Our children are still very young but I'm sure the eldest questions in her little mind why we never speak or do anything together
Question is, how long can I make this situation work for my children. I don't know what is in their best interest.

Ps, I don't mean being a good wife means not putting your name on the mortgage - That sentence came out all wrong!

You can't make a marriage work just for the children. It's far better for them to have properly separated parents who are happy than living in a dysfunctional home.

Sorry, that sounds very blunt. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. For everyone's sake it sounds like living apart would be the best option.

How would you feel if your DD was living like this?

There is your answer. You are married so it doesn't matter that your name isn't on mortgage. See a solicitor, many will give 30 mins free advice, that way you will have a better idea of how things would be if you divorced.

Do you know how much he earns, what pensions he has? Try to get this info together before you get your legal advice.

Read your post back. You cannot continue like this. So sorry to hear you are going through this. Take care of yourself. You CAN leave and make a life for yourself and the children, hard may it be at first.

Devon, I need blunt. Thankyou

I do Hampton. He does have a fairly good job and has provided for us well financially. I would be really upset if my dd were to be living like this and I certainly don't want her to have this idea of relationships.
Ty, outthe

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound like he is really unhappy - but won't share any of the background with you.. Obviously you are too, but the situation is not of your making. You can't really second guess why he is being like this, and if he won't talk or seem to want to improve things then you're left with no option but to open the let's split up dialogue. Have you tried that yet?

Squeegle, I think he is too. His work is his life, he doesn't really have friends or any social life but loves his work. He did have an unhappy childhood, I did too but he doesn't talk about it. I do feel for him somewhat but I also feel he is not willing to meet half way or has any feelings for me whatsoever.

Hi Freckles,

This sounds a really horrible existence. When did your H start being like this? And yes, you are right to questions whether this is 'worth it' for the children. I'm afraid the answer is 'it ain't'. You know this is not how you want to model relationships for your children - and they learn most of it from how their parents treat each other and them. This is no good for them.

So the answer to the question 'How long can I make this work for my children' is.... that it doesn't work now, there is no such thing. This is not working for your children now. It must be pretty horrible for them too, although they probably don't know any different. How your H can do this to them and their mother I don't know, but really it is not worth spending any time on the 'Why' - start thinking about the 'How'...to end it.

Again, sorry to be blunt. And you're married. Doesn't matter what it says on the mortgage. You own half of everything already.

You sound like a good mum. Brace yourself for (even more) hostility and obstruction from H, but start the ball rolling for yourself. Get down to a solicitor as soon as you can and find out where you stand.

However you got to this place, it is nasty.

Plus - I would seriously consider telling someone in RL. You need some support from people who love you. What stops you?

Thank you poppy. I don't know what shops me. Maybe I'm afraid of putting him down or feeling sorry for him/making excuses for his behaviour etc. He is very pleasant to everyone else when he wants to be so maybe fear of me looking stupid. Also often when I get to this stage he seems to somehow 'know' and starts being nice so I go back thinking I was misjudging him ect.
I also don't know many people here very well as we are a long way from family and my older friends. (moved a few times for his work)
I don't know when it started but I always remember when we were very first together I left a crumb in the butter and he just wouldn't speak to me for a while and just went crazy over it. He finds something wrong and just won't even look at me for a few days. I know it sounds mad but that's the reality. I thought he had OCD at first!

I do understand this. Very strange isn't it? When I was with my ex, we were once out with the children. We'd been to the roald dahl museum and then we went for a chinese. The kids were about 6 and 8. So... context was "a treat". Somehow I nearly knocked over my orange juice. But I saved it, so no harm done. He gave me the most vile look, as if I was the most foolish person on earth. Then he proceeded to be off with me for the rest of the meal. Why? Who knows? I used to try to keep him sweet, in the end it wasn't possible. The point was it was never about me anyway.

We've split up now, he's still up and down . Sometimes happy, sometimes miserable as sin. Nothing to do with me. It took me rather a long time to learn that lesson. (about 10 years!!!)

He had a bad childhood too by the way. I used to think if I gave him enough love, he would in time just be the "nice him" more often. It didn't work like that. In fact, with me the "horrible him" took over. Still don't really understand it, but at least now I don't try any more. I used to think there was a key.

Sounds like you have done your best, and now you need to start looking after you.

That's the same here squeegle. When did you decide to leave. Was it hard for you? I 'm walking on eggshells whenever he is around even though I just stay quiet nowadays.
How did he cope with you leaving?

Well, it was complicated by the fact that he turned out to be alcoholic - all interrelated I am sure. I was always sure that if he stopped drinking his moods would be better. So I spent a lot of time trying to get him to stop drinking. Eventually, when it became clear he wasn't going to stop drinking, then it became clear I had to get him to leave. It sounds melodramatic but I was literally scared I was going to wake up one morning and he would be dead - he really used to binge that much!

So, eventually I got him to leave, it wasn't fair on anyone, and he went and lived elsewhere. After a massive binge, he actually gave up drinking. I think he realised it was make or break for him.

But he is still very moody - so in some ways I can now conclude it's his moods that caused him to drink, rather than the other way round.

I was really used to walking on eggshells. It was actually a relief when he went. I had permission to be happy again! I could listen to my music, watch rubbish tv, sing and dance - all without his disapproval.

Sometimes I find it hard - just doing everything myself. But - guess what, it's still a picnic compared to living at the mercy of someone's crazy moods!

Please. Think about divorce. You're doing it alone anyway...

I read your post and my eyes filled up for you. This is no way to love and you mustn't bring your kids up seeing this.

You deserve much more. So much more.

It does sound like an unbearable situation for both of you. Is it worth trying some sort of counselling even if that doesn't bring you closer together at least it might give you some understanding of why things have come to this. I did know somebody who was married to a totally impossible man so some things just can't be saved or worked through no matter how hard you try. She wished she had left years ago.

What sort of relationship does he have with your dc's?? Obviously you should not be living this life, you say you didn't have a very happy childhood so you need & deserve to be happy in your adult life!! I can't help but feel sorry for your DH as he is missing out on what a family life can be like & all the wonderful things that go with that!

I wonder as you look after the children full time (& sound quite accomplished at this) if he feels inadequate in the father/ family man role & feels his only success is his work?

I think your husband is depressed and is deeply upset about the whole situation. If he had an unhappy childhood it probably means that he doesn't have a first hand experience of tackling problems in relationships and doesn't know how to make the whole situation better. You have 3 kids under 5 which probably put your relationship under a lot of stress. How long has he been like that? How long have you been together before you got married? I would explore every avenue before divorcing him.

Thank you mama. My eyes well up justvreading your replies! ??
I think we are beyond counselling viv. He would never go to it with me I am pretty sure of that.
That sounds tough it was for you squeegle. I'm happy you got free from it. It's hard not to feel sorry for them though. It is exhausting. I never sit down to eat and I don't even have a proper meal nowadays but the walking on eggshells is just twice as bad.

I think it was like this before the children even boo. I can understand how the kids have caused stress but he was the same with me back in the beginning (read the butter bit)
I think he is probably depressed and sad deep down but all his efforts go on his work. He doesn't spend time with us even at the weekend. He rarely plays or takes the kids out but always ends up in his room working. I just think his priority is work, not family.

Thank you freckles, it was definitely tough, but you know what, I do look back and think why did I tough it out for so long? I know advice is all too easy to give - but if I could give any it would be for you to look realistically into one year ahead, and see what you see ahead. And then work out for yourself what you can do about it. A plan does help. If you can work out what you need (see a solicitor etc), then you will start to see that things can be changed.

And if you can, be honest with someone in real life. Tell them what he's really like. You will be surprised at the support you get. We cover up so often it becomes a habit; our own guilty secret that our marriage is really unhappy. And it's very liberating to be honest. It really made a difference to me. I do wish you a lot of strength - sounds like you know it's time to make a change.

If he refuses to attend any sort of counselling with you, or can not change his behaviour for more than a few days then I can't see a future! If you both had difficult childhoods you don't want this for your dc's, they are all still young so I would say this is the best time to make or break as they are incredibly adaptable at this stage & your youngest would probably not even remember it!!

I don't know much about the legalities of divorce, I know a close friend of mine is going through this & unfortunately her stbx (who we all thought would always do right by their dcs) has managed to play every dirty trick in the book & she is currently without any support from him at all, physically or financially! I really hope this doesn't happen to you, however she still says she is happier now than before just a shame it had to be so messy!!

Best of luck I hope you find happiness!

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