Staying for the kids.

[Frecklesandspecs]

To sum things up, DH and I have been married 5 years. we basically live separate lives under the same roof. I'm a SAHM to 3 kids (eldest coming up to 5) All my husbands children.
I have basically become impartial to his sarcasm, put downs and moaning and I just try to ignore it now.
I used to get upset but now I just don't care. I live my life looking after the kids and doing everything at home whilst trying to brush the real issue aside.
None of my friends know how we live. I feel very lonely and feel down about it but I feel I have to stay for the kids as he is the breadwinner and basically I have nowhere else to go and am financially dependant.
He comes in from work and goes straight to 'his' room now. I sleep in the spare room most of the time. The kids and I hardly see him during the week and at the weekend he just sits upstairs. He doesn't even eat with us.
I feel I've done all I can to be a 'good wife', I leave him to his privacy and work when he wants, we don't share bank accounts and my name is not even on the mortgage.
Thing is, whenever I say anything he becomes defensive or he changes for a few days then we are back at square one. Clearly, there is no love there anymore and I have just put up walls around myself now to shut out the nasty comments and criticising.

Our children are still very young but I'm sure the eldest questions in her little mind why we never speak or do anything together
Question is, how long can I make this situation work for my children. I don't know what is in their best interest.

I have considered going alone boo. It's just finding the funds to. I would love to talk it through with someone so I can see clearly. Right now, all I see is that everything I do is wrong, a crease in his shirt, a dinner he doesn't like (he won't eat) to how I put a nappy on. I can't do anything right tbh. I feel really worn out and broken down. Without the kids I don't even know who I am anymore.
I feel like my wings have been chopped off!
Thanks for your advice squeegle. I think we put up so long because they change to 'nice' suddenly and that makes us feel guilty about feeling like that?

Absolutely, I think that is quite right - they give us glimpses of the person we want them to be. It's only after the pattern has repeated a number of times that we start recognising that it is a pattern and that the "horrible" them is just as much a part of them as the "nice" them and it won't ever go away for good.

You're too patient & nice for your own good, as always with these threads you're gradually telling us more & none of it looks good on him, although I do still feel sad for him he is missing out on your dc's, I also feel angry on your behalf if my DH came home from work & turned his nose up at the meal I had (miraculously) found time to cook for him whilst looking after (refereeing arguments between the dc's!) he would find himself wearing said dinner!!

The whole thing is confusing. It's really about the children though. I have asked myself questions concerning myself but I need now to think seriously about how this will affect them.
Ty both, I'm reading and thinking ??

I will give you blunt.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this loveless and abusive version of a marriage is "normal"?. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, currently you are showing them that on some level this is acceptable to you. You do realise that his sarcastic and put down behaviours towards you are abusive behaviours. Would you want them to replicate the self same rubbish that you are enduring (and there are truly no medals for martyring yourself like this) now?.

Abusive men also are often plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors at home that their true nature emerges. They do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle of abuse. All this is well documented. You've probably stayed as well because you;ve always hoped that he was actually going to change. Such men never change because they feel they are doing nothing wrong in the first place.
He is not just abusing you emotionally but financially as well; living with him is really like living with the Dominator. No wonder you are walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

Re this comment:-
"I feel I have to stay for the kids as he is the breadwinner and basically I have nowhere else to go and am financially dependant".

NO, none of those are good enough reasons for staying and do not come even close to being good enough reasons. They won't thank you for staying with someone like this and will likely ask of you later on why you put him before them. They aren't going to thank you for resentment and bitterness or take kindly to being told, "If only you knew what I've sacrificed for you".

Having an unhappy childhood is no excuse or justification for his being abusive; you also had a rubbish childhood (I am truly sorry that no-one stood up for you) and you do not act like he does. Your own rubbish childhood left its mark in that you originally chose an abusive man to marry.

You need more information from a legal standpoint; have you actually sought legal advice to date?. You are not as powerless as you think you are, but instead ground down and worn out by his behaviours. Talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 could well help you.

You cannot burden a child or children with a choice that you have made. Staying with someone like this man too stops you from meeting someone else.

Attila, not easy reading
but very right deep down I know.
This stood out to me:
NO, none of those are good enough reasons for staying and do not come even close to being good enough reasons. They won't thank you for staying with someone like this and will likely ask of you later on why you put him before them. They aren't going to thank you for resentment and bitterness or take kindly to being told, "If only you knew what I've sacrificed for you".

I had not thought about it this way before stupidly, because that is what I and my sisters still wonder about my mum, though my dad was very controlling over us as kids as well as her (and other things) He died a couple of years ago.
I was thinking that because his behaviour was just targeting me we would be ok and if I ever saw any kind of abuse towards my children from anyone, I would take them out of the situation straight away. But my mum chose to be 'blind' to it.
The more I look at it, the more it scares me.

Your post made me sad too. I've lived similar and believe me if the financials are the only thing holding you back from leaving then overcome the fear. I promise it's worth it.

See a solicitor, you have rights even if you aren't on the mortgage. He will have to help you financially.
You are wasting your life, it is soul destroying living with someone empty. I wasted years thinking I was doing the best for my children. They have since said to me that the air felt heavy and they had never heard me laugh.
I laugh a lot now, with my children.

Be brave, it's worth it.

It's fear of uncertainty and fear of the future. It's not some altuistic move, staying 'for the kids'. People delude themselves there.

ps, sorry, that sounded harsh and judgemental. I only type what I typed because I know it to be true. I stayed for years 'for the children' but then I pulled some bravery out of the bag and left and it was the best thing ever. Scary but yes, I have a life now. I had withered with him.

Yes, it is a scary thought. No, its good to hear the truth ty. When you are stuck deep in it, you cannot see the whole picture.

Hi OP,

Squeegie is hitting nails beautifully on the head on this thread - so I won't bother repeating too much.

But it is worth re-emphasising... DO talk to someone in RL - they may surprise you. You may think he hides his dark side and only shows it to you, but you will probably be surprised to know people around have noticed and been worried and concerned for you. You may think you are covering up brilliantly but it is perhaps comforting to know that can't fool everyone all the time. There is no shame in talking about it to people. You are not 'grassing him up'. He is treating you horribly, you've done nothing wrong. He should be ashame, no you. Don't take on the shame he should be feeling.

Awful I know, but the nice guy is NOT going to come back. I was waiting for mine to come back - don't waste years of your life hoping for something that (tragically) will not happen. You have done your best - now is the time to act for your children - and the best way to do that is act for yourself.

Like penguin says - be brave. And like her, my children didn't hear me laugh in a house that was ruled by the horrible moods of one person. I was on eggshells all the time and that rubs off on the children. It was just a hostile environment and that's no place to grow up. Now he's been gone a couple of years now we have a lot of laughs and do silly stuff and make mess and have kitchen discos without fear. That makes me feel proud that I have done the right thing. No regrets.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds very similar to my parents' marriage and it was such a relief when they separated.

I just want you to imagine how it will feel to not have to live on egg shells anymore. It will be such a relief. Your children will sense the difference. Imagine how it would feel to have a partner who loves you, makes you laugh, is affectionate, spends lots of time with you, encourages and supports you. You could have all of that.

Would you be able to return to work if you left your husband? Could you move to live near family? You could build a happy life for you and your children.

You sound like a lovely person. You deserve more than this half life.

Thanks Poppy. Its really encouraging to hear how you made the move and are now so much happier. I'm so miserable and stressed at the moment. I would love to have parties and make a mess and not have to clean up just for him! ?? It's been a very helpful post. I'm glad I wrote it. Now, I just need to get myself together and take the courage to do the best thing.

I think I will wait until my daughter's nursery finishes in the summer and as I am soon to take my driving test get that out of the way then I will have more freedom to take it from there. That will be my next step.
Just a question though. My family all lives a long way (we are SE and they SW) how far is it reasonable to go or would I have to stay here nearby. My only immediate option really would be my mums. I don't have any family or good friends here really and it will be very expensive and difficult for me to move out in London.

Thank you Jdd for the reply. Very encouraging to hear from you all.

Freckles, you need to tell your mum and if she is supportive then that is a big help.

You could stay til you pass your test and get your dh to buy you a car in your name, pay for the first year insurance etc. meanwhile you get all the finances up to date so you know where all the money is and go and see a solicitor to find out what might happen when you file.

You could try talking to your dh- he sounds unhappy too, but he is an adult and your children deserve better and so do you. Don't mention divorce etc until you have done your research. Whatever he says I would still do that.

You don't know how he will be when you finally are ready to say that's it, so get as organised as you can.

My pleasure Freckles. Would have replied earlier but my connection went down, grrr!

It is extremely hard to think up ideas when you are bogged down, to see how you can make something happen. I like the phrase from Broen that she 'pulled some bravery out of the bag.' That's a good way of putting it... it's like making the final push at the point you feel most exhausted. The thing is, you sound a really good and loveable person - I am sure there are people around you who want to help, even on days when you are not sure which way is up.

Write a few things down so that you can remind yourself when you get foggy - perhaps under the heading 'Things I won't miss'. I found an old MN thread of mine that really bucked me up when I started getting a bit foggy. You need back up. Gather people around you who will uphold the truth for you. The thing is that he will play mind-games with you, he will accuse you of breaking up the family (which is exactly what he has done with his behaviour) he will try to mess with your head, through which you need to stay strong and resolute. And you will.

There is loads you need to know on a practical level - so going to see a solicitor ASAP will really help, then you can tick off a few 'known unknowns' about the finances etc. I think you will be better off than you think. If you are a SAHM and financially dependent then he has to provide for you.

Try and create a little space in your head for how you would like things to be. Would he move out do you think? Have a think about how that might happen. Do you fear that he would refuse to go? Does he ever suggest splitting up or divorcing in one of his tirades? My STBXH was the classic controller who would obstruct anything he thought I wanted... so I did the classic 'Make him think he thought of it" move on him. Tread carefully and get all the advice you can before that issue comes up between you. Be prepared. I can't tell you what a relief it was when mine finally went. I never missed him, not one little bit.

Stay on MN and pop in for pep-talks when you need it. Life will be better, definitely.

p.s. I like LavenderHoney's suggestion of getting as organised as you can now. And yes, get your driving test, maybe a car etc before acting. If it's not too far off, that is. Tell your mum. I don't think eventually moving to SW is bad. I'm sure you can sort access with that.

I don't know how he would react. I've not mentioned divorce or leaving as of yet. He has never mentioned it either.
My late Nan left me a little money in her will so I have kept some aside for a car but that is being eaten up quickly too.
I don't really have much idea of his finances, just roughly how much he earns and the mortgage on house Ext. He puts money in my bank account every month for food ect so we don't share any accounts per se.

Don't discuss your plans with him. It sounds like you don't anyway, so don't start now. If you do, just say you're unhappy with how you live and would like it to change. Does he want to talk about it? And if he fobs you off, don't get angry and upset. No flogging a dead horse. Just ho hum.

Make a list and work through it. See a solicitor and listen to them and write it all down. Then you can think, make another list and so on.

Inheritance- be careful due to asset split. See a solicitor for proper advice. The first meeting is free. Mine lasted 2 hours and I didn't get charged:)

Does he know re your money? Don't tell him if not. Put yours in the dc account up to 3k each and say its what your nan wanted.

Let him get his money out and get you a car

He does Lavender, it really wasn't much, just enough to get me a second hand car but I still have it in my account. I'm also paying for all my lessons so it's been expensive, then the test ect.
I won't be discussing the plans. I'll try and find out what I can first and set a target.
It sounds bad but he has been giving me the silent treatment (when I do something wrong) for so long,(pretty much since we met) I've just totally shut him out now because it's the only way I can deal with it.
There is literally no communication. I don't think he will get me a car, he hasn't said anything about that apart from the fact that he wasn't going to sell his!
I honestly feel some light today. I feel a lightness that I know somehow we can come out of this tunnel me and the kids. He has ignored them all day as usual, told dd1 he would take her out in the car today, she was really excited then he changed his mind and stayed upstairs all day. This is what usually happens and now seeing her upset again, I know things need to change.

Your target could be end of school before the summer. See a solicitor and don't have things sent to the house.

Then you have all summer to sort yourself out, change schools if need be, arrange childcare etc.

He's a tool, doing that to your dd. Get out of there.