I have never posted before. Can anyone offer me advice/ some serious talking to as I don’t have any friends?
DH and I have been together since we were 17 and now we are in our early 30’s. We have only been married for 3 years. I admit I don’t know what a normal relationship is as my father was abusive leading to my parents splitting when I was 12. I have been with DH for so long and have never really had any friends.
We have been TTC for the last few months but so far I haven’t fallen pregnant. For the last three months I have been seriously questioning my relationship and whether I want a child but just not with DH. Our relationship has had ups and downs. DH has a temper where he can just quickly fly off the handle. I am ashamed to admit that over the years I have been at the receiving end. He has pushed me, threw food at me and broken things. The worst was when we had only been married a few months and he hurt my neck. I had never been so scared in my life as he had me pinned down and I struggled to breathe.
If I raise something that I’m unhappy with for example, his parents come to our house and walk about like they own it, he turns it into an argument. He will completely dominate the argument which if I’m lucky lasts two hours and I have to sit and face him. We have had arguments that have lasted until the early hours of the morning with him going over the same point. I don’t get a say as he says I’m irrational but I’m never given the chance to properly articulate what I mean. He accuses me of provoking arguments and that I have a self destruct mode where I try to ruin any good thing in my life.
I don’t like confrontation though and the way he acts leaves me feeling drained so I bottle things up until I explode. If he would just leave the room or let me so we calm down but it seems he likes to argue.
Anything I do isn’t good enough. He tells me its wrong and his way is better. I now have no confidence in my abilities. I feel that he has no respect for me and my opinion isn’t worth it. There have been times when he looks at me with contempt. DH doesn’t treat anyone else like this. He is so patient with his family even though they can be demanding. If I asked him to do the things they ask there would be an argument.
Our sex life has been rubbish and only really picked up when we started TTC. A few years it hurt so I went to the Dr as I was concerned that something was wrong with me. I got it sorted but for a while I tensed up as I remembered the pain. He got impatient and always blamed me. Around this time we went through a rough patch and I seriously thought about leaving. The only thing that stopped me was that my job situation was uncertain and had a dog to think about. Looking back now I wish I did leave.
The jist of the rough patch was that we were supposed to be engaged but he never made any efforts to set a date when we would marry. He would make the excuse that we couldn’t afford it but made no effort to save. I only wanted a small wedding and that is what we ended up having. We had a long engagement and I was embarrassed as people were always asking when the wedding was. All I did was ask him if he wanted to still get married and that I felt that he had just bought me a ring for the sake of it. DH was also being controlling around money and to an extent he still is. He kicked off when I was coming to the end of my contract but had little money. He had went mad at me for spending money. I still paid my share of the bills but because I bought clothes and did my hobby I had very little left. We had bought a house the year before so I spent most of my savings buying bits for the house. I never went into debt but the way he acted you would have thought I did and he had to go through my bank statements and lecture me. DH also demanded I stopped my hobby and I was selfish for doing it. My hobby is my lifelong passion and the only thing I’m good at. Yes it is expensive but it makes me happy and gets me out of the house. I now only do my hobby from time to time as he made me feel so shitty. It was me that had to work on patching things up and basically apologise. I also still feel guilty when I buy clothes even though I shop in Primark and New Look and he now laughs at me for spending so little. A couple of years later we got married.
During our relationship he has never said sorry and turns it around on how I’m to blame. If I manage to defend myself he has an excuse. So from that I have never really been interested in sex. Before TTC we probably only did it once or twice in six months.
About seven months ago just before TTC we had one of our arguments where he pushed me and was in my face. I then told him that I wanted children but I was unsure if I wanted them with him as he has hurt me and has a bad temper. I had such a crap childhood and don’t want the same for my children. This made him quite upset and he told me to think about what I wanted. We never really came back to what I had said mainly because I was too scared to raise it incase he went off on one. Since Christmas he has been really nice to me which is making it difficult for me to decide on whether I’m making a mistake. I don’t know if he is really trying to change or once we have a child he will go back to his old ways. His attitude can also be up and down like this anyway. We can have a few months of us getting along and then all of a sudden he will lose his temper or tell me what I’m doing wrong.
I am also in a job I hate as they cut my hours and the boss is a bitch. So I have been applying for jobs. DH wanted me to stop applying when we started TTC as he thought it would be unfair if I got a job and then told them I was pregnant. I am tempted to start applying again, in fact two jobs have come up which are exactly what I am looking for. I want to apply and hopefully if I get one I will be in a better off financially to leave DH. I also want to stop TTC in the meantime until I sort out what I want but how do I say no to DH without him getting angry? I want to hide from him about the jobs as it is really not worth the argument until I get a job. Is this mad?
Sorry about the length of this but I want to give as much background as possible. Reading this back makes me look pathetic and that I should have never got married. I am scared of being lonely as I have no friends and I am unlikely to meet anyone else as I am quiet and insecure. I am also probably too old to meet someone else and have kids. Am I crazy for feeling like this and just being over sensitive? Are most relationships like this in reality? We have had good times as he can go for periods of being nice so this makes me confused. Especially now when he is making an effort to be nice. His plus points are that he offers me security as he has a very good job and we sometimes go out. He also doesn’t drink and we do joke about. I know he could be much worse and my problems are small compared to some on here.
Thanks for reading :)