Confused about my marriage

[Quietbiscuit]

I have never posted before. Can anyone offer me advice/ some serious talking to as I don’t have any friends?

DH and I have been together since we were 17 and now we are in our early 30’s. We have only been married for 3 years. I admit I don’t know what a normal relationship is as my father was abusive leading to my parents splitting when I was 12. I have been with DH for so long and have never really had any friends.

We have been TTC for the last few months but so far I haven’t fallen pregnant. For the last three months I have been seriously questioning my relationship and whether I want a child but just not with DH. Our relationship has had ups and downs. DH has a temper where he can just quickly fly off the handle. I am ashamed to admit that over the years I have been at the receiving end. He has pushed me, threw food at me and broken things. The worst was when we had only been married a few months and he hurt my neck. I had never been so scared in my life as he had me pinned down and I struggled to breathe.

If I raise something that I’m unhappy with for example, his parents come to our house and walk about like they own it, he turns it into an argument. He will completely dominate the argument which if I’m lucky lasts two hours and I have to sit and face him. We have had arguments that have lasted until the early hours of the morning with him going over the same point. I don’t get a say as he says I’m irrational but I’m never given the chance to properly articulate what I mean. He accuses me of provoking arguments and that I have a self destruct mode where I try to ruin any good thing in my life.

I don’t like confrontation though and the way he acts leaves me feeling drained so I bottle things up until I explode. If he would just leave the room or let me so we calm down but it seems he likes to argue.
Anything I do isn’t good enough. He tells me its wrong and his way is better. I now have no confidence in my abilities. I feel that he has no respect for me and my opinion isn’t worth it. There have been times when he looks at me with contempt. DH doesn’t treat anyone else like this. He is so patient with his family even though they can be demanding. If I asked him to do the things they ask there would be an argument.

Our sex life has been rubbish and only really picked up when we started TTC. A few years it hurt so I went to the Dr as I was concerned that something was wrong with me. I got it sorted but for a while I tensed up as I remembered the pain. He got impatient and always blamed me. Around this time we went through a rough patch and I seriously thought about leaving. The only thing that stopped me was that my job situation was uncertain and had a dog to think about. Looking back now I wish I did leave.

The jist of the rough patch was that we were supposed to be engaged but he never made any efforts to set a date when we would marry. He would make the excuse that we couldn’t afford it but made no effort to save. I only wanted a small wedding and that is what we ended up having. We had a long engagement and I was embarrassed as people were always asking when the wedding was. All I did was ask him if he wanted to still get married and that I felt that he had just bought me a ring for the sake of it. DH was also being controlling around money and to an extent he still is. He kicked off when I was coming to the end of my contract but had little money. He had went mad at me for spending money. I still paid my share of the bills but because I bought clothes and did my hobby I had very little left. We had bought a house the year before so I spent most of my savings buying bits for the house. I never went into debt but the way he acted you would have thought I did and he had to go through my bank statements and lecture me. DH also demanded I stopped my hobby and I was selfish for doing it. My hobby is my lifelong passion and the only thing I’m good at. Yes it is expensive but it makes me happy and gets me out of the house. I now only do my hobby from time to time as he made me feel so shitty. It was me that had to work on patching things up and basically apologise. I also still feel guilty when I buy clothes even though I shop in Primark and New Look and he now laughs at me for spending so little. A couple of years later we got married.

During our relationship he has never said sorry and turns it around on how I’m to blame. If I manage to defend myself he has an excuse. So from that I have never really been interested in sex. Before TTC we probably only did it once or twice in six months.

About seven months ago just before TTC we had one of our arguments where he pushed me and was in my face. I then told him that I wanted children but I was unsure if I wanted them with him as he has hurt me and has a bad temper. I had such a crap childhood and don’t want the same for my children. This made him quite upset and he told me to think about what I wanted. We never really came back to what I had said mainly because I was too scared to raise it incase he went off on one. Since Christmas he has been really nice to me which is making it difficult for me to decide on whether I’m making a mistake. I don’t know if he is really trying to change or once we have a child he will go back to his old ways. His attitude can also be up and down like this anyway. We can have a few months of us getting along and then all of a sudden he will lose his temper or tell me what I’m doing wrong.

I am also in a job I hate as they cut my hours and the boss is a bitch. So I have been applying for jobs. DH wanted me to stop applying when we started TTC as he thought it would be unfair if I got a job and then told them I was pregnant. I am tempted to start applying again, in fact two jobs have come up which are exactly what I am looking for. I want to apply and hopefully if I get one I will be in a better off financially to leave DH. I also want to stop TTC in the meantime until I sort out what I want but how do I say no to DH without him getting angry? I want to hide from him about the jobs as it is really not worth the argument until I get a job. Is this mad?

Sorry about the length of this but I want to give as much background as possible. Reading this back makes me look pathetic and that I should have never got married. I am scared of being lonely as I have no friends and I am unlikely to meet anyone else as I am quiet and insecure. I am also probably too old to meet someone else and have kids. Am I crazy for feeling like this and just being over sensitive? Are most relationships like this in reality? We have had good times as he can go for periods of being nice so this makes me confused. Especially now when he is making an effort to be nice. His plus points are that he offers me security as he has a very good job and we sometimes go out. He also doesn’t drink and we do joke about. I know he could be much worse and my problems are small compared to some on here.

Thanks for reading :)

Your OP contains this: " The worst was when we had only been married a few months and he hurt my neck. I had never been so scared in my life as he had me pinned down and I struggled to breathe. "

The police and other agencies who deal with DV list strangulation as one of the most serious forms of DV, in the sense that it is a major danger sign of someone who may escalate to actually killing their partner. Please leave this man as soon as possible. He is dangerous.

Quite aside from that the rest of his behaviour sounds appalling. You should never have to live with some one who treats you other than as a human being who is their equal. Anything that falls short of this - whether physical, verbal or financial abuse is not something you have to put up with. You deserve a relationship with someone who treats you properly.

I just read your post. PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. THE ABUSE WILL GET A LOT WORSE.

Quietbiscuit
I read your post and for a moment I almost thought it had to be made up. I know that it isn't, but that's how far out of 'normal' your relationship is No one should have to put up with being abused as you are being.
You've taken the first very brave step of posting on here and I hope you carry on and leave him for good. The end of any relationship is a series of small steps taking you further each time but you will look back soon, realise how far you've come and be proud of yourself!
Good luck and I wish you strength for the days ahead.

Leave now and don't look back. Honestly, you could waste years of your life with this horrible controlling man.

At 32, you are so young! Be alone, pursue your passion, get the job you will enjoy, find good strong friends and be happy. Does this not appeal to you?

I haven't read all the advice so forgive me if I am repeating something that has already been said. You are insecure and have no friends because of your abusive relationship,

I should know I was in abusive relationship where I was fortunate enough to get out before he managed to isolate me from everyone, but the plan was in action. They all have different techniques for this, my ExP even made up stories about people complaining about me visiting them.

Then my poor daughter was in an abusive relationship where her now ExP managed to separate her from all her friends, from her male friends by jealous scenes and from her female friends by pointing out all their faults, and we all do have faults.

You are only 32, you have all the time in the world to have a happy life.

I've only read the first paragraph but that is enough for me to say stop ttc and please leave.

He is being nice because once you have his child you will be less likely to leave and more under his control. Once he has asserted his control over you he will return to his old ways.

I can only repeat some of the good advice you have already been given. This relationship is not what love is meant to be and not a healthy environment for a child.
There are two other active threads at the moment on DV where both ladies have been grabbed by the throat. It is heartbreaking and terrifying to read, especially as they have children. I would give them a read as it would be a glimpse into your future with this man sadly.
Because you've been treated badly for so long, your self belief and esteem will be incredibly low yet you've reached out because you recognise this life isn't what you want. Please do contact Women's Aid who can help you with your next steps. Even if your family are a bit 'told you so', see your time with them as a temporary stepping stone to where you want to be and let their comments go over you, at least you would be physically safe.
Very best of luck with taking control back and starting a new journey in your life.

Run.

Run far and run fast. Do not look back and DO NOT have children with this man.

Your situation is so far away from normal that you can't even see normal with binoculars. Don't worry yet about how a bad childhood brought you to this relationship. That's a fair question but one for later, when you are safe.

Right now, tell everyone. Tell your lawyer, tell your acquaintances, tell the police, tell your boss. Tell everyone except your husband that he's a monster and you're preparing to leave. Then line up your ducks as best you can and leg it as fast as you can.

I once left a man like this - walked out in the rain with a baby and the clothes on my back. A terrifying move but slightly less terrifying than the prospect of staying one more day and teaching my baby that this is how women live.

You can do this. You have no idea how much strength you have or how many unexpected people will be waiting to help you.