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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do.

49 replies

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 12:51

To cut a very long story short, I recently found out my husband has been having an affair for about 10 months with a girl 10 yrs younger than me. After I confronted him he said it was just a very close friendship that had got out of hand. He then said he would end it and we would try and make our marriage work. 6 weeks later I found out he was still in touch with her and had started seeing her again. He admitted he had lied to me about her and actually they had been meeting up for meals and at hotels and he stayed over at hers a lot when I thought he was at work. He now wants us to try again but I don't think I will ever trust him again. We have 2 children under 6 and have been married for 7 yrs.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/04/2014 12:55

Only you can decide what you want to do, but if the trust is gone, I suspect the relationship is gone as well. He's already lied to you repeatedly - are you ever going to believe him again? Probably not.

Where is he now? Have you asked him to leave? Have you told any family or friends?

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 13:00

He has taken our caravan and has moved out. Yes I have told family and friends who all think i will never be happy with him. and as we live in a very small community and this girl also lives very close with friends that live very near me gossip is rife. We have been a couple since we were teenagers so I haven't really known anything different. Don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, I do love him tho and I feel so so sad for our 2 little boys.

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Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 13:02

You know what you need to do. It's just taking that first step that's difficult.

He doesn't want to try again. He want's his cake and eat it.

You can not trust him again so you say. How will your relationship last if you can not trust him. He blatantely lied to your face about ending it. If he was serious about you, he wouldn't have started up in the first place.

As I said, you know what you need to do. Just try to remember, you are not the first, nor the last. Millions have been in your position before and got through it. You are not alone in this. You have friends and family during the day and MN at night for the times you can't sleep. You've even got us throughout the day when you are sick and tired of saying the same thing over and over again to different people, but just need to get things down to sort your mind out and need a response that will give you an honest answer - wether you like the answer or not.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/04/2014 13:05

Unfortunately, regardless of how you feel about him, you have to deal with the reality of his behaviour. That's good that you have told family and friends - that means two things. One - you will get support. Two - he will have consequences of some sort.

I know it's easier said than done, but put the thought of the girl right out of your mind. First of all, if it wasn't her, it would most likely have been someone else. She's not the problem, HE is.

Secondly, YOU have done nothing wrong. So while gossip is rife in a small community (have soooo been there!!), console yourself with the thought that most people are discussing THEM in a negative way, NOT you! I know, small consolation, but you have to wring every little bit of positivity you can out of things some days.

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 13:07

I have asked him if he has ended it and he said that as she hasn't contacted him for a few days he is just going to leave it -and hope she goes away. He is leaving the door open isn't he so if I decide we r over he can go back to her. I have been so blind, the signs have been there for months but I chose to ignore them.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/04/2014 13:09

That sounds like it's exactly what he is doing - leaving his options open. He's not going to end it, he's simply going to go "underground" regardless. He's telling you exactly who he is here. A liar and a cheat.

You can do so so much better.

Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 13:12

he said that as she hasn't contacted him for a few days he is just going to leave it -and hope she goes away.

Oh my fucking GOD!

Not only is he leaving the door open, he's not taking responsiblity again AND making her run back to him because he's so fucking special? What the fuck?

You are too upset at the moment to see how much this guy is taking the piss out of you BOTH. In time you will and your anger is a gift. That's the good bit, that's the bit where you get LOADS done. It's the anger that gives you the drive, energy and steel determination to finish the job.

Give it a few days maybe a couple of weeks and it will come and boy, you'll know about it.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/04/2014 13:13

She hasn't contacted him and he'll hope she'll go away??

He's STILL taking the piss out of you.

:( so sorry. Sounds like you're very together and strong. Lean on family and friends.

debbs77 · 05/04/2014 13:16

He has effectively cheated twice by going back to her. He will do it again. I am sorry but it's true.

You and your children deserve better. Time honestly heals wounds. I am so pleased you have RL support. Big hugs xx

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 13:17

It is the deception and the lying that is the worst. That he had he saved under a male friends name in his phone and then went mad at me when I questioned the 1000's of text messages. And many other things. I just don't want our kids to be part of all this and wanted them to be brought up with 2 loving parents together. Although to be fair he hasn't really been around much anyway recently and our oldest has stopped asking where Daddy is.

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Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 13:19

That he had he saved under a male friends name in his phone and then went mad at me when I questioned the 1000's of text messages

He got caught, that's why he was angry.

I just don't want our kids to be part of all this and wanted them to be brought up with 2 loving parents together

They are not now though are they? So it's not going to make a huge difference.

our oldest has stopped asking where Daddy is.

Holy Fuck, that is bad and a massive sign of how things are going to be. In otherwords...THEY'LL BE FINE. In your eldests mind, he's already gone.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/04/2014 13:25

They need two, happy parents.

With him treating you with zero respect you will end up totally miserable.

He either changes, apologises totally and utterly, proves his sincerity and works hard to show you he's sorry...or you split. Him not even ending it with her doesn't look as if he's going shoulder the responsibility of his a toons

:( you don't deserve this. What a twat he's been.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/04/2014 13:25

actions....

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 13:58

When I am not with him I am nearly certain I want us to separate, I feel happier and more relaxed. But when I am with him I wonder if I am throwing away a happy future for my family. Although when he is here I feel nervier and twitchy every time he reaches for his phone and goes on Facebook. He had a separate sim to put in his phone so he could call her (after I found out the first time) and re kindle their relationship. I found the sim and he says he has now cut it up. But how can I ever believe him?

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Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 14:28

You can't.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 05/04/2014 14:32

Relationship over.

Sparklysilversequins · 05/04/2014 14:37

You don't have a marriage anymore he left it without telling you . No matter what he says now that's the truth of the matter. The stuff he is saying about ignoring her etc is nonsense he's just trying to hold off the sh*t storm that is coming his way once he stops twatting around and you lose patience. It's finished, in the worst way possible and now you've just got to move forward.

RedRoom · 05/04/2014 14:45

He's not exactly going out of his way to prove his desire to win you back and keep his family together, is he? In fact, he's only ever dealing with things like the SIM card when he gets caught out lying yet again. For there to be forgiveness and moving on, he need to actually be sorry, honest and willing to give everything he has to make things work. At the moment, he just isn't showing any of that. You want it to work because you care about your children and you are thinking of what could be a successful marriage when worked upon. However, if it's all one sided and he is as selfish, deceptive and uncommitted as all of his actions demonstrate, then nothing you say or do can hold your marriage together.

He destroyed things, not you.

EllaFitzgerald · 05/04/2014 14:59

Even if you forgave him and gave him another chance for the sake of the children, your family wouldn't have a happy future together if he's continuously behaving like that, and it doesn't sound like he intends changing.

The best possible thing you can do for you and your children is to not take him back.

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 15:00

It's like he wants to carry on like nothing has happened. He has done lots of superficial things like flowers and being more willing to pick the kids up etc but nothing that makes me feel he is genuinely sorry. If I stand up for myself he gets cross and threatens to cut off any money and get rid of my car (which is in his name). He blames a lot of it on me being tied up in looking after the kids and he said he felt lonely. Doesn't seem to care how I have felt over the last few months knowing he was out somewhere but not knowing exactly where he was or who with. He is v cross that I have confided in friends and he says he is uncomfortable going out in our village as everyone knows.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/04/2014 15:26

nothing that makes me feel he is genuinely sorry

That's because he isn't.

He blames a lot of it on me being tied up in looking after the kids and he said he felt lonely.

Classic response. It is in no way your fault.

He is v cross that I have confided in friends and he says he is uncomfortable going out in our village as everyone knows.

Yep. That's called consequences and he didn't want them. Bummer. He needs to learn that these things happen when you're an arse - people find out and react accordingly.

Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 15:30

It's like he wants to carry on like nothing has happened.

You've got it in one. He wants you in your place and him getting his leg over with someone else.

He has done lots of superficial things like flowers and being more willing to pick the kids up

Pah, that's the easy stuff.

If I stand up for myself he gets cross and threatens to cut off any money and get rid of my car (which is in his name)

He wants you back in your place - that's why he's getting angry. He wants you to keep relying on you, hence the money and car. HE'S CONTROLLING YOU.

He blames a lot of it on me being tied up in looking after the kids and he said he felt lonely

Classic blame shifting. "Wahhhhh, it's not MY fault" Fucking man child.

Doesn't seem to care how I have felt

He doesn't.

He is v cross that I have confided in friends and he says he is uncomfortable going out in our village as everyone knows

That's because his idea of himself and what he thinks people think about him are more important to him than you are. You are ruining HIS image and potential other women and useful people.

He's showing classic narc signs. He's trying to control you and the situation so he ALWAYS has the best advantage. EVERYTHING he does or says will be about getting YOU back in your place and HIM being in control of everything.

You've got a chance to run, take it. TAKE IT NOW.

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 16:45

What u have all said on here is pretty much what my family and friends have said. I suppose I am just scared of the reaction from him when I finally tell him it's over. And then the reality of being on my own. Have already been dumped by one set of mutual friends. He has spoken to them so I guess they have had the edited version.

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Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 16:50

The reality of being on your own is a damn sight easier than you think so don't worry about that for one second.

Forget the mutual friends and indeed any of your own friends...you will find out who they really are over the next 12 months. It will surprise you too.

If you don't want to tell him to his face that it's over then you dont need to. He hasn't shown you the slightest bit of regard anyway.

Seeing as you have already made your mind. Lets get you started on pratical stuff.

Finances - get as much together as you can.

Are you working? You'll need to make sure childcare is still in place

Go and see solicitors and get advice in the first free 30 minutes about starting the divorce.

Go out and get pissed with mates as soon as you can.

Original poster

Katty29 · 05/04/2014 16:56

I hope you're right smiles.
Money wise I started putting some money away ages ago when I first thought he was seeing someone. And I am halfway there with everything else. Most of the stuff I have left to do involves his co operation in someway.
Yes I do work but I already sort all the childcare out so no issues there.
My Dad is helping me with anything legal wise and my H is a bit scared of him so no problems there.
Wine- check, going for a girls weekend away soon.
Just boils down to me being scared of change and being alone. And having to face him all the time.

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