Don't know what to do.

[Katty29]

To cut a very long story short, I recently found out my husband has been having an affair for about 10 months with a girl 10 yrs younger than me. After I confronted him he said it was just a very close friendship that had got out of hand. He then said he would end it and we would try and make our marriage work. 6 weeks later I found out he was still in touch with her and had started seeing her again. He admitted he had lied to me about her and actually they had been meeting up for meals and at hotels and he stayed over at hers a lot when I thought he was at work. He now wants us to try again but I don't think I will ever trust him again. We have 2 children under 6 and have been married for 7 yrs.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I once read that pride and wounded ego shouldn't get in the way of showing someone forgiveness. You gave your H a massive chance to put the OW aside and focus on rebuilding trust between you.

He threw that back in your face. You can hold your head high knowing you didn't break this family, he did.

The boggling part is that anyone who treated you so disgustingly dared to ask for yet another chance while showing no real contrition. I am glad you are switched on and not wasting more time.

Mutual friends might take his side. They might all be shagging on the side too or hold the same moral values he does so no loss there.

When he comes to see the boys I would steer clear and put on an exercise tape and do something physical with lots of reps that keep you busy. How much of a father he decides to be will be his business. The fact DS1 isn't asking for him shows that as resident parent you are able to be a capable, loving parent without Mr Unfaithful by your side. The family exists minus the weakest link.

[Jan45]

Please get angry and stop letting him call all the shots.

What will you regret, that you didn't stay with a man who treats you like shit and has no respect for your relationship, he sounds absolutely vile.

Take some control, find out what you are entitled to, get legal advice etc. And don't let him dictate to you what's happening, this isn't a relationship, that's down the pan, what you have got now is an angry man wanting his own way and also wanting to know he's got you on the back burner.

[Wantmylifeback]

Katie can i say im on a similar position. I recently found txts on exdf's phone. We talked about it he said we would try make it work. I asked him to txt her and say he wouldnt be contacting her again, he wouldnt said they were just friends and there was no need. Niave me wantes my family together so bad i accepted it and tries to forget it. In 2 weeks i went crazy always wondering where he was snoopong his phone to which i found more txts this time just friends but hurt all the same.

My point is once trust is gone its gone. U will never trust him again

I totally see your point where all u see is happy families and being lonely. I could have written that myself. But its better than being driven crazy by a man u cant trust and clearly is not trying his hardest to right things. Its because he doesnt want to Or he would have did it by now.

Leave him

It will be hard but definately for the best.

[Missesbumble]

The unknown and change is scary but you can do this honestly. Your friends don't have perfect little families and neither does anyone else. Everyone has ups & downs, arguments, disagreements etc but not always visible to the output side world. That's not to say you have to accept or endure your non-perfect relationship if it involves cheating, lies and deceit. There has to be a line drawn somewhere.

It's incredibly hard ending/leaving a long term relationship especially when there are DC involved but your h put you in this position and put himself and his needs above anything else.

Feeling lonely is normal it does and will pass. There are loads of free online courses you can do if you're into that, there's also loads of free sites with demos, step by step guides on an array of crafting ideas. Amazon have a large selection of free ebooks you can download, I've read a few and some of them are really good. Honestly there's so much you can do to fill your time it just depends on whatever rocks your boat and it doesn't have to put a strain on the purse strings either.

[HansieMom]

I think you should put headsets on and listen to a book while he is there. Or listen to music and dance around!

[Smilesandpiles]

That lonely bit fades in a few days and families are far from perfect, you never know what is going on behind closed doors so stop looking at them. You are just seeing a snap shot of what could be a rare half decent moment. Scratch the surface and most replationship you will see will echo at least ONE of the threads on here.

You are not missing out on anything and neither are your children.

The evenings bit are the hardest, you just need to find something to fill that time with.

Studying, hobby, craft, box sets, books, pampering...anything. Once you find something you enjoy, you'll be begging the kids to go to bed early.

You need to sort out a contact area, either a relations house or a friends for now. Make set days where he can see them and stick to it. The boys need routine now more than ever and knowing that will see their dad on such and such a day will help them no end.

You will get a break, it's just really draining the first few weeks. You'll get through it, you have no other choice.

[Katty29]

The sick feeling I used to get when I thought he was lying but didn't know what was going on has faded a bit. And in the day I can keep busy, it is the evenings that are hard. And as he doesn't have anywhere to live where he can have the kids he is coming here regularly to see them which isn't helping. I am also not getting a break.

[whitesugar]

Is the loneliness you are feeling worse than knowing your husband has been unfaithful and has been lying to you? It can be lonely when you split up after so long but it does get easier. He has already had one chance, do you think giving him another chance might prevent him from straying again. Nobody has the perfect family, it just looks like that from the outside.

[Katty29]

Deep down I know I do need to carry on what I have been doing and sort out a life for myself and the kids without him. But it is so hard, the vast majority of my friends have their perfect little family's. I feel very lonely right now.

[Katty29]

Deep down I know I do need to carry on what I have been doing and sort out a life for myself and the kids without him. But it is so hard, the vast majority of my friends have their perfect little family's. I feel very lonely right now.

[Missesbumble]

You've already lost mutual friends, what edited version could he possibly give about; Katie's not happy because I've been a lying cheating scum bucket, once ... Nah twice! They weren't friends and are no loss to you and quite honestly neither is your h.

You know you deserve better than this, you know it's not right. If he actually was going to txt ow to end it he should have done that in front of you. He wants it easy, he wants you to stfu and he wants to bury his head in the sand. This will never work and he will unlikely change, more likely he will get better at hiding things from you. I'm speaking from experience albeit a bitter one

[TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs]

Get the locks changed and send the landlord a new key. Don't see why that would be an issue. Tell them that you hand your handbag pinched with a set if keys in and something with your address on so you decided to do it at your expense.

[TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs]

I annoy surprised he is scared of your dad. Men who bully and control women often are scared of other men.

So sorry this is happening op. Lots of good advice on here so nothing to add except to agree that you are well rid and would be so much better off without him.

[angelohsodelight]

Please don't take him back. Start afresh now for your sake and dc.

[Smilesandpiles]

He wants you, on your knees, begging him to come back. He wants you to show him what a fucking catch he is.

You need to take a long hard run and kick him in the bollocks to the curb.

[Smilesandpiles]

HE stormed off while seeing his kids because YOU weren't giving him enough attention?

OMG He doesn't even give a shit about his kids. This is all about HIM and HIS feelings.

He's GOING to text the other women and tell her it's over...what? again? why hasn't he done this already? why didn't he do this the first time round?
Oh wait, because it's all about HIM.

You did make me laugh with you wondering if you would regret not taking him back...er...you already did. This is his second chance remember? You want to take him back a THIRD time?

Taking him back will be the worst thing you will ever do. Don't contact her. You've got bigger fish to fry. She's done you a favour really and shown you what you are wasting your life on and what example he is setting his boys. Leave her alone, she'll get hers in time, you need to concentrate on yourself.

Try to get the rent put in your name alone or find another place to move to that is in your name only. You dad will be able to help you out with that in a few ways.

[bleedingheart]

You didn't end the marriage. He didn't forsake all others did he? He broke the vows. You don't deserve this and you deserve more than a marriage where you are constantly worrying and checking and feeling second best.
What have his actions told you?
He will lie and cheat.
He will deceive his wife.
He will sacrifice time with his family to spend it with another woman.
He will threaten you with poverty.
He will move forward on his terms only.
He will say it is over but doesn't end it.
He wants you to STFU and forget it so he can get back on it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but please don't sacrifice your happiness for a false picture of a happy future that won't exist.

[Katty29]

I have tried to stay strong and have been really restrained as I have the other woman's phone number off our bill I have been so tempted to contact her. But I know this isn't going to do me any good or make me feel any better. What if I regret not having him back and trying to make a go of it with him. Even though I know I can manage on my own as I pretty much have been whilst his mind has been on other things I just worry I might regret ending our marriage.

[onedev]

I'd change the locks anyway - not sure how legal that would be but I'd do it anyway. At the very least, I'd put a chain on the inside so that he couldn't come in whilst I'm at home.

[Katty29]

At the moment it is rented in both out names.

[Katty29]

Thanks everyone for your opinions and your advise. He was here this afternoon to see the kids and stomped off after a couple of hours because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. He has said he is going to text his other woman to tell her it is over so will be interesting to see what happens there. I am going to continue to plod on sorting out all my finances etc and looking forward to a weekend away with my friends. I just wish he didn't have a key to the house, but at the m

[whitesugar]

Katty you will be miles better off without him. Just imagine what it would be like if you let him come back. It would be you spending the rest of your life worrying yourself sick wondering if he was with someone else. As for this lark about buying flowers and being helpful until you stand up for yourself and then he gets cross and threatens to cut off money and get rid of your car - laughable and sadly predictable behaviour. Also tragic that he is worried about his reputation and blaming you for that too. If I was you I would put a status on FB (if you are on it) saying your marriage is over because you found out he was f about with someone else. You really are well rid. You sound more than capable of being on your own. As others have said once you get into the swing of it living without him is actually easier than you think and a billion times better. Courageous behaviour on your behalf and a great example to others going through asimilar experience.

[Smilesandpiles]

You'll be fine.

Honestly, I think after the first few days and it sinks in to you that it's real, you're doing this a weight will have lifted. You won't have realised how unhappy you have been.

I think, reading your posts you are a lot more ready than you realise. If he's frightened of your dad, have him deal with most of the crap you need your ex to co operate with.

It really is a lot easier than you think. You are doing most of it day and day out anyway without realising. The worst bit is not having help when you are ill, but you have family around to help you out and family who are interested in your DC's achievements so you can share in milestones.

You are ina much better situation than I was or indeed still am and I'm doing ok. You'll be fine, I promise.

[onedev]

So sorry you're going through this but everyone else is correct - you've done nothing wrong & deserve much much better.

You're stronger than you think & although it may not feel like it at times, you will be completely ok & actually much better off in the long run. Your boys will be fine too - with a strong mum who shows them how to treat women properly.

Good luck as there will be tough times ahead, but you'll get through them. Agree with the poster who said to get the practicalities sorted too & make sure you're sorted financially!

[Katty29]

I hope you're right smiles.
Money wise I started putting some money away ages ago when I first thought he was seeing someone. And I am halfway there with everything else. Most of the stuff I have left to do involves his co operation in someway.
Yes I do work but I already sort all the childcare out so no issues there.
My Dad is helping me with anything legal wise and my H is a bit scared of him so no problems there.
Wine- check, going for a girls weekend away soon.
Just boils down to me being scared of change and being alone. And having to face him all the time.