He broke off our engagement - feel so worthless

[georgiestears]

I am not sure what I am looking for here because I am sure all the answers will be the obvious ones "better to find out now" and "he did the right thing" but I do know all that.

I just want to somehow find a way to not feel so worthless inside myself.

My Fiance broke off our engagement a few weeks ago. He just decided he didn't want to marry me and there's no one else involved. I am not looking to analyse his reasons for what he did because I've done that to death. The simple answer was that he just did not want me anymore.

The thing that I am struggling with is that this guy really worked to break down my walls. I didn't want to get married when I met him having been hurt in the past and I was happy on my own. He really worked hard to get me to let him into my life and to trust him.

After a couple of years he really won me over and for the first time in my life I really felt like I trusted a man and like I was with someone who really loved me for myself. He proposed and things were all great as far as I knew.

Then he dropped this on me about 8 months after he proposed. He just told me that certain things about me that he thought were quirky were actually annoying (stuff he'd said he thought was cute) and he said he just stopped feeling the rush of excitement about me.

He was pretty cold and clinical about it and didn't really even want to talk about it.

All I want to do is to know how to feel better inside because I can't stop thinking that I gave him everything I was and he told me he loved every bit of me and then just changed his mind.

The quirks about me that he'd always said made me "me" and were sexy and adorable he turned on me as reasons for not loving me and I now feel like I couldn't ever be myself with someone else.

Do you think there's a chance that there is just something really wrong with me? Like maybe that if people get to know me well enough they don't like me anymore?

He knew this was always my greatest fear when we met because my previous love did something similar. I hate that he was capable of delivering my worst fear to me. I never asked him to chase after me or to propose and can;t understand why he did it just to reject me.

I feel like nothing....

Sounds as though he made the whole relationship about how you fitted into the boxes he chose to make for you. You're worth so much more than that.

He probably wanted to stop you reading the self-help book because he didn't want you to gain any insight into his behaviour, or to have the confidence to challenge it.

But he hadn't had to endure the phobia yet, presumably.

I think I'd have responded with something like, "you could still get help, go on, make an appointment" or "why haven't you"?

And when the OP tried to get help, though a book, he was dismissive.
I think in his mind those "quirks" either made him feel superior, or he thought it was something he could beat you with when the need came.

If he cannot cope with your quirks, you sure as hell don't want him to be your husband and supporter through really tough marital challenges such as redundancy, miscarriage, physical illness or depression. He isn't strong enough to cope small tests and challenges. Find a man that is, and that is worthy of you.

His cold and callous way of ending things reveals a lot about him, too.

Notafixer, yes, it is true. I should have but as I said it wasn't as bad as you might imagine and because he kept telling me it wasn't anything to worry about I minimised it to myself. When you are the person in it it feels normal.

I'm not young, I am 35 :)

Just as an example of what I mean so it's in perspective; if I got a rash I'd say to hi "what do you think that is? Do I need to worry?". And that would happen maybe once a week. I wouldn't be running around with my pants on my head calling an ambulance or anything.

If I was ill though, it did become a problem because I was genuinely phobic about medication or serious illness. So for example if I got an anti biotic it would sometimes take me a week to work up the balls to take it.

I know that is annoying, and it is a problem but it's very hurtful to think that this outweighed everything else good about me.

Whatever you do, don't take him back; I had a fiance who dropped me, but we ending up getting married, and it was a very unhappy, painful marriage. This relationship has been all about overcoming your resistance and trying to break your spirit, while you simply loved him; you will survive; don't let him near you ever again.

I would say thrill of the chase merchant too, and then when he got bored he had to make up some old rubbish to give as a reason for ending it other than "I am a shallow twat".

Nobody would decide to no longer love somebody they truly loved because they were a hypochondriac, it's ridiculous. DP is exactly like you describe, genuinely thinks he is having heart attacks sometimes, it is horrible for him. But it's one tiny, tiny aspect of him. It's like any other phobia, as long as it doesn't interfere with your daily functioning no reasonable person would object to it. You haven't got some tragic fatal flaw, there's nothing wrong with you other than a severe case of twatitis.

The thing is he'd had a 14 year relationship before me so I don't think he's a thrill of the chase merchant. He just didn't love me

thank you madbuslady. I can't help feeling like this makes me unlovable so hearing that really helps.

I'm curious. How was that relationship and why did it end?

As far as I know from his side of the story it was great for 10 years, drifted apart in the last 4, she met someone else and they amicably moved on. They are on friendly terms

I think the fact that this behaviour is specific to me is making it much harder to not take so personally because it would be a lot easier to say "he has a background of doing this" but he doesn't. I think it might be more a case that he was desperate to get married or settle down, fancied me a lot and probably just didn't love me enough (in the proper sense) to go through with it all which is maybe why such silly reasons were given. I know the reasons he gave were just excuses and I know if someone really loves you that would not cause them to stop.

It's just trying to separate reality from fiction now is hard in my mind. All I do is think about it and nitpick over every minute of the past three years and I still can't see any sign that he didn't love me. It's amazing how convincing he was in every aspect but maybe some people's feelings just don't run as deep as others?

As you said, you only know his side of the story. Many women continue in "friendly" terms with their abusers. Mostly because the abusers don't let go that easily.

And you don't know it's specific of you. It did happen to you.
For all we know his previous partner didn't totally yield to him, despite the length of the relationship.

It wasn't anything you did (though I recommend seeking help with your hypochondria for your own sake as it sounds miserable to live with and may well be fixable). This sounds very much like a man who gets off on hurting women. He may well reappear shortly, with a list of orders for you to follow so that you can 'win him back'. Make sure you tell him to fuck off, because you've decided that you can do better than him. It's all about power and control and making you focus your entire life on pleasing him because that's what feeds his ego.

He's making it specific to you because he doesn't want to take on any of the blame himself. Whether he actually genuinely cannot cope with your phobias, or he has found someone else, or he doesn't want to marry, or he doesn't love you - he does not want to accept any responsibility and he wants to make it your fault.

If the phobias were becoming an issue for him, a loving partner would tell you that they were worried about your health and would support you in seeking help. He dismissed your fears repeatedly and then used them to hurt you.

He probably also wants you to be moping around at home and begging him to come back, just so he can keep his options open. In that case , it's in his interests to make you feel as though the problem lies with you, so that you're grateful for attention from him. Whereas you are actually in a position to say stuff him, and live your life as though he doesn't exist.

So if someone really loved you, they would either live with your faults or try and help you with them? They wouldn't go off you?

Yes, they would.
And no, they wouldn't.

He could have said that he was wrong about his feelings about you and the old "it's not you, it's me".
As it is, he blamed you for having those "quirks" and not being exciting enough.

If you dig deeper I think you will see the red flags showing up.

Chasing you, breaking down your barriers, putting you on a pedestal, dismissing your feelings, pressuring you for sex (when you were trying to sort your problem). That's just for now.

I don't think we can say for certain how he felt at any stage of the process now, given how much this seems to have come out of the blue for you. But I do think it's certain nobody reasonable would fall out of love overnight over a not particularly terrible problem. People stay with extreme hoarders and gamblers and people with huge, money-draining hobbies for years trying to help them and hoping they will change.

So it was a selfish sort of version of love?

Thanks again madbuslady that does remind me that people do live with much more serious issues. It wasn't like he'd ever once told me it bothered him either.

"He knew this was always my greatest fear when we met because my previous love did something similar."

I don't think he would have done it on purpose, but a lot of the time relationships don't work out for whatever reason and it's not a personal thing as such (even though it probably feels like it's personal), it's just life.

There's nothing wrong with you and everyone fears rejection or splitting up to some degree, but that's just a part of having relationships.

I do know that, it's just that if someone has lived with you for two years, you think they know you pretty well. He knew everything about me then, thought it was great - so great that he proposed and had the big party with all our family and friends.

I think at that point it's sort of cruel and unreasonable to turn around out of nowhere and say "well actually, I don't really love you" and worse to tell you it's because of a weakness in you which they had always told you was nothing to worry about.

I have had broken relationships before where I went off the guy but I did always give signs to him, spoke with the man directly to let him know certain things bothered me and there was some sort of process.

I am glad he didn't marry me if he didn't truly love me. I didn't want to be divorced. I am just upset that he spent so much effort in convincing me that he did.

I can't explain why he's broken up with you except to say that sometimes feelings just change, but if he's being cold and clinical about it then it might make the healing process easier for you. It's better than him being all nice about breaking up with you, because now you can basically call him a bastard and gradually get over him instead of thinking, "Why is he breaking up with me but saying I'm still a lovely person?"

I am just upset that he spent so much effort in convincing me that he did.

Maybe he was also trying to convince himself.
Or he's just a twat and a bastard, who got a kick out of it.

Maybe in love with being in love