He broke off our engagement - feel so worthless

[georgiestears]

I am not sure what I am looking for here because I am sure all the answers will be the obvious ones "better to find out now" and "he did the right thing" but I do know all that.

I just want to somehow find a way to not feel so worthless inside myself.

My Fiance broke off our engagement a few weeks ago. He just decided he didn't want to marry me and there's no one else involved. I am not looking to analyse his reasons for what he did because I've done that to death. The simple answer was that he just did not want me anymore.

The thing that I am struggling with is that this guy really worked to break down my walls. I didn't want to get married when I met him having been hurt in the past and I was happy on my own. He really worked hard to get me to let him into my life and to trust him.

After a couple of years he really won me over and for the first time in my life I really felt like I trusted a man and like I was with someone who really loved me for myself. He proposed and things were all great as far as I knew.

Then he dropped this on me about 8 months after he proposed. He just told me that certain things about me that he thought were quirky were actually annoying (stuff he'd said he thought was cute) and he said he just stopped feeling the rush of excitement about me.

He was pretty cold and clinical about it and didn't really even want to talk about it.

All I want to do is to know how to feel better inside because I can't stop thinking that I gave him everything I was and he told me he loved every bit of me and then just changed his mind.

The quirks about me that he'd always said made me "me" and were sexy and adorable he turned on me as reasons for not loving me and I now feel like I couldn't ever be myself with someone else.

Do you think there's a chance that there is just something really wrong with me? Like maybe that if people get to know me well enough they don't like me anymore?

He knew this was always my greatest fear when we met because my previous love did something similar. I hate that he was capable of delivering my worst fear to me. I never asked him to chase after me or to propose and can;t understand why he did it just to reject me.

I feel like nothing....

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sorry for your pain OP.

I agree with SGB, some help for your hypochondria would be a really beneficial thing for you, Georgie. It must be very difficult and worrying for you.

I don't think he was being 'controlling' as others seem to be keen to tell you; if he were... he'd stay with you, wouldn't he? Keep you in his thrall, not tell you honestly that he's breaking off the engagement.

Whatever the reason, he's released you from what could have been a very miserable marriage if he'd gone ahead with it. Don't make it about any perceived deficiencies in you, it's about his not wanting to go on with the relationship and, as hard as it is, people are allowed to change their minds without being persuaded otherwise.

Time is the best - and only - healer.

[whitsernam]

I'm surprised no one has said "look for another woman"...... To me, that seems the most likely reason for him to run. I bet he's got his eyes on someone new, and is making himself believe negative things about you to justify his breaking the engagement off. Just saying.

[Lweji]

Two people at least have mentioned he may have found someone else to chase. Just saying...

[Lweji]

Check this about warning signs of an abuser.

I think he matches nº 9 and possibly 4.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

What does it matter whether he has his eye on somebody else? He's told the OP that the engagement is over. He's not stringing her along or cheating. She's now free of him.

The advice on this board is always to end your relationship if you are unhappy before finding somebody else. OP says there is nobody else - she probably knows better than we do - and he's ended the relationship. What is he being criticised for exactly?

... and the pick-and-mix signs of abuser make me absolutely shudder.

[Lweji]

Signs of an abuser are not pick and mix. Abuse has many forms and one person may show one aspect more strongly. He may have shown others that the OP has not been aware of so far. Or not. For her to know.

In this case, of course he can finish it. I can see how it feels strange from the OP's point of view and how it could lead to self blaming, because he was apparently so wonderful.

In any case, a sample of two twats, doesn't make it about you, OP.

[Hissy]

Behaviour doesn't have to be abusive for it to be unacceptable to us.

He's not good enough for our OP.

[georgiestears]

Yes, I felt really that it didn't matter much to me if there was someone else. I know that sounds strange but the point is really being him not wanting ME, not loving ME.

One website that seemed to slap me in the face when all this happened was one called "Runaway Husbands". I know he wasn't yet my husband, but it word for word really describes what hap-penned.

It says:

The reason that Wife Abandonment Syndrome is so traumatic is that the change in the husband's behavior is dramatic, sudden and unexplained.

In order to justify his decision not to include his wife in the process that led to the end of the marriage, he needs to come up with a compelling explanation for his actions. That explanation often has little to do with reality, causing the bewildered wife, who had previously trusted her husband's word, to wrack her brains trying to make sense out of something that is inherently nonsensical.

The type of man who abandons often appears to be unusually moral and trustworthy, making it even harder for the wife to accept that his words are empty justifications.

Ten Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.
   

1. The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.
   

1. By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly.
   

1. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.
   

1. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.
   

1. The husband’s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.
   

1. The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim.
   

1. In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend.
   

1. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished.
   

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

That is pretty much exactly what he has done...I mean...word for word he behaved exactly like this.

[JonSnowKnowsNothing]

Thing is though, anyone is entitled to leave a relationship they don't want to be in.
If he's no longer in love with you it would be wrong of him to keep things going, stringing you along while he looks for a better option - which he could have done.
Life is more than being part of a couple - IMO you need to spend some serious time on your own.

[georgiestears]

I was reading a few stories on a forum from that site and one woman experienced almost identically what my fiance did. One day he was looking at wedding venues and could not wait to marry her and the next day he was gone.

This was how it played out for me. He'd not raised to me any sign he was less than extremely happy and he had been attentive, loving and normal with me as always. He just sent me an email. Not even face to face.

I realise in almost all cases that means there is someone else. I am waiting for her to pop out of the woodwork.

I felt such a fool. We'd been at a party a few days before with friend from work and I was gushing about our wedding and he had his arms around me saying he was going to find it hard not to cry when he saw me walk down the aisle. We were planning a destination wedding and all our friends were writing on the website about how they couldn't wait and they'd booked the time off.

Thankfully all we'd lost is a small deposit on the venue and I'd not bought or booked anything else.

He wasn't even sorry. He was more angry at ME, like it was all my fault and how could I be so stupid not to see how unhappy I made him and how could anyone be expected to live with me. The tone of his voice was so thick with disgust. Like "And every headache was a brain tumour" and after that conversation I had to breathe into a paper bag.

I have cried this all out in counselling and with my real life friends and I know it's not how a good person ends an engagement no matter how awful their fiancee is and I do feel all the right emotions - like raging anger and grief but it's very confusing because it's a bit like losing the relationship and the person's love for you all in the same unexpected moment.

I feel so defeated and tired. I can't be bothered to even get out of bed the last couple of days and the kitchen is filthy and I think I even smell a bit. I know I am letting him win and I will get up and fight soon.

[WonOrWon]

Sorry this has happened to you georgie. Do you think you should see your GP?

For what its worth, I was dumped in a similarly unkind way by my fiance of 5 years. It was horrible and really tough at first, and I couldn't believe he could be so unkind.

But a year on things are so much better and I can see him for what he was - someone who was very wrong for me. I am truely glad he is not in my life and any words that were said by him now mean nothing to me.

[wyrdyBird]

Ouch. Some of that is VERY cruel.

One day he's talking some romantic nonsense about crying when you walk down the aisle. Then bang - - you hear a voice thick with disgust, being asked how could you have missed how unhappy he was and how anyone could be expected to live with you, etc, etc. Just like that. This isn't how a good person behaves when they end an engagement.

First they'd be a bit reserved talking about the wedding, embarrassed even, knowing they were about to drop a bomb on you. Secondly, even if you are fed up with someone and want to end it - there ARE usually warning signs first, some discomfort or unease, which the other party will have noticed - and there's no need at all to be cruel, or make yourself behave cruelly, to accomplish the breakup. It's never going to be comfortable, but there's no need to be awful about it. It's quite possible to tell someone they're ok, but not for you.

Anyway, Georgie, I hope you feel better soon. Try and force yourself up for 5 mins, and wash some of that pain away.

[Lweji]

No wonder you are feeling hurt.

Not that it matters that much, but did he pay for the money you lost? Or offer to?

A normal person would be apologetic about breaking up at this stage. It sounds like he's rewriting history to feel good about himself.

[georgiestears]

Sorry the same happened to you WonOrWon. I know I'll feel relieved not to be married to someone capable of that sort of thing in the long run.

Thanks WyrdyBird, I have heard or seen people before who lash out when they feel guilty. Maybe that's why he didn't handle it nicely. He said he'd been having doubts for six months, so two months after he proposed. I feel like throwing up even thinking about that.

No Lweji, my parents paid the deposit and no, he didn't offer anything back. My Dad tried to phone him after this. He wouldn't accept the call.

He has been a real coward about it and hasn't faced up to the music and actually told a lot of people we'd been having problems for a while and it was a long time coming .

I do feel bamboozled but the part I was trying to understand is why little things about me that made up only a tiny part of who I was would make me so valueless to someone.

I was more wondering about me and who / what this makes me, why I managed to get into this situation, how I get back to feeling positive about me again.

I did see the GP, she has referred me to the mental health services but they've not come back to me yet.

[georgiestears]

I think what is really wrong with me is that I feel like there must be something wrong with me for the person I was closest to to do all this to me and to walk away and not want me or miss me.

I know all my friends say it's him not me but it doesn't feel like that!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

So sorry Georgie, that sounds very rough.

Regardless of his reasons, he's known about this for a while and it's unkind of him to have dropped this on your when he's been talking to other people about your relationship, saying that he was unhappy. That's the disrespectful bit.

He's had time to come to terms with the ending of the relationship, you haven't - and that's what hurts.

He wasn't wrong to end the engagement but he was very wrong to do it the way he has. I'd probably chalk that up to guilt and pay as little attention as you can to him/the relationship. Every day it will feel just a tiny bit less painful, just a wee bit. It's never going to be more painful than it is today.

Take comfort from your friends and family and stop feeling silly or stupid; this wasn't about what you did otherwise he wouldn't have proposed in the first place. Be thankful that you're not planning a divorce after an impossibly short marriage because that's very possibly what could have happened had this progressed.

[georgiestears]

Thank you xxxxx

[AnUnearthlyChild]

ITS NOT YOU ITS HIM

I thought I'd add another one in there. Seriously, he sounds like a total arse. Fucking coward.

[wyrdyBird]

I'm really sorry georgiestears, and am not surprised you feel so hurt.

When you talk about little things that make you valueless to someone, this actually speaks volumes about that someone - it says nothing about you. Because, for whatever reason, that person has chosen to pick on something about you that you're not happy with, that you're self conscious about perhaps, and use it as a weapon to hurt you. People who choose to act that way tend to have an acute awareness of other people's flaws, and very little awareness of their own. It's a very cruel and arrogant way to behave.

I bet you didn't pick out his weakest points and sneer at him about them, did you?

This makes you a kinder, better person IMO. But also a target. That's all that's happened.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just a good person who's been hurt. You will, eventually, come out stronger.

[Lweji]

It will be easy to doubt your friends because they love you and will try to protect your feelings.
But people here will tell you like it is. The harpies are not known to hun pps or show support just because.

He's a bastard. Whatever he got from you, he left because he stopped getting it. As he said, you were not exciting for him anymore. He had conquered you. You had let the guard down. You trusted him.

But you are going through a grieving process, as if he had died. You will be ok. He certainly doesn't deserve the pain you are going through. Tell yourself this and get up.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You're NOT a target, he's a cowardly arse.

That's his character flaw to change, not yours. You're fine as you are - or will be when you've had some time to rationalise this as you deal with the hurt.

[wyrdyBird]

Georgiestears, on a practical note, would it help you to do things in short bursts, say 5 mins at a time? This is something that helps me when I feel tired, etc.

[georgiestears]

wyrdyBird he had a lot of weaknesses in himself and I always found they were part of him and I found them beautiful. I can see your point that this shows the way I love versus the way he loves and his way is quite shallow. It's nice to look at it from that point of view.

I dunno Lewji my friends have given me some pretty harsh tough love and they are great for the "slagging off" aspect and also for helping me try and get out and be cheerful but I find it very hard to talk to them about how weak this has made me feel. Maybe having gone through so much humiliation I think I put on a "fuck him" front but I don't really feel it.

I know a lot of people here have been through horror stories. I read a lot of them when my friend was divorced. I know many are worse than mine. you have all made me feel a little better today. Thanks you.

wyrdyBird I know people are telling me that. I was going to just make a schedule and force myself to stick to it. I know I am letting him get the better of me. I look a state. I know the best way to get my confidence back is to look wonderful and seem happy.

The 5 minute idea is a good one. Even the most tiny tasks seem completely overwhelming. I fell asleep about 5 times today.