Have I been unfair about money?

[Middledaughter]

I have posted here before about the difficulties I'm having with my husband of 4 years but tonight could really do with some advice on a money issue. In the past I have bailed him out when he's run out of money and paid down a debt he has with my parents. I have also paid my way fully through 2 maternity leaves.

I work part time and he works full time but I get an annual bonus which is quite decent. Last year I spent it on a loan we needed to reply to his sister. This year I've booked us flights for a holiday and paid for all holiday money. Approx 2k. He says he's save £400 towards the holiday.

We have a part time nanny and I have paid to set her up as our employee, I have done all paperwork and paid her in full until she was Ofsted registered and we could use our vouchers. He couldn't as he was paying off another car bill. Now we have a bill for £350 for nanny tax and I've said you should pay it. He's saying he doesn't have the cash and I am not behaving as part of a couple. I think he should pay this as I've done so much. He never saves and I do but end up paying for everything because he's not organised. He says if he has the money he'd do it for me but in 7 years he never has!

Where is all the money going? Surely you look at the family income, family outgoings and work out where it will all be going to?

If he had money HE WOULD DO IT FOR YOU? I take it the nanny looks after a child/children that belong to both of you? Does he realise paying for stuff for his own kids is not doing anything for you?

He is bleeding you dry, borrowing left and right and letting you bail him out.

I would divorce a man like that.

Why is there still 'his' money and 'your' money?

Things like holidays and childcare should come out of 'family' money.

If all your earnings are considered the 'family' money pot, where are all his earnings going?

He doesn't earns masses but more than me each month. We share bills almost exactly. Although he has a monthly debt repayment to my parents. He isn't great with money but runs an old car which needs money spent on it constantly. He also drinks quite a lot - every night prob half bottle of wine and a few beers. I tell him he could save £100 a month by not drinking so much ad he says I am being controlling. Just fed up of always picking up the bill for any extras just because I am more careful with cash.

" He's saying he doesn't have the cash and I am not behaving as part of a couple."

You are not behaving as part of a couple????

WTF. What about him, is it not time he start behaving like part of a couple, or is HIS part just going to be the receiving end? Is that the deal? How blardy infuriating. What an arse.

So he is an alcoholic. That is just the alcohol that you see, so that is where all his salary is going.

Was going to say the same. Half a bottle every night is quite a serious booze problem.

Surely if he is pissing his wages up a wall, that is him controlling, not you? You just want to waste it on, I don't know, childcare and other such nonsense.

I could not live like that.

I don't think he drinks in secret but he drinks every night despite me asking him not to when we've been going through a bad patch and arguing a lot. Then he gets very mean. I know I am not a saint and have lost my rag badly. Not so much these days as I know what he's like.

The money thing upsets me because I do have the cash to cover this bill and he doesn't and if we were in a good marriage it wouldn't matter who pays but he never thanks me when I do cover things or bail him out. That's what's so galling. I repaid his sister 2k last year and rearranged our mortgage to repay loan. He did NOTHING!

Start budgeting for the extras. Including holidays.
Go back through a year's accounts if you need to, to get a handle on them. Add an amount for true surprises.
Halve that amount (or pro rata, but it sounds like you warm the same when you account for your bonus) and that's what he needs to pay into a bills account.
When bills come in, don't pay a penny more than from your share in that account.
If there isn't the money paid in for a holiday, you don't get a holiday.
He pays off his debts (to his sister, to your parents... and he owes you too - he's shit with money, and he's not going to change with you subsidising him and bailing him out) from his own account.
Ditto the car.

I couldn't live with someone like that. Even if I could cope with them not being good with money, I couldn't cope with them having a go at me!

You will miss out on things whilst you see if he can man up when he's no longer subsidised. If only your share of holiday has been saved, no-one goes. Or you go on a cheaper holiday - but still only half funded by your cash.

I think you should realise you can't change him because he doesn't want to change his spending habits. He doesn't want to save because he doesn't need to. I think you are enabling him in a sense. I also think even if you weren't there, he would be the same. It is just him.

I am in exactly the same situation but I deal with it in that I ask for a fixed sum from my husband a month to pay for his share of bills, childcare, car everything. Recently I upped it by £500 because I did the Maths and included everything like insurance and mot. And I use a bit of my monthly maintenance payment to save for a rainy day for the family.

I realised 5 years into my relationship that I don't change my dh but I can detach, protect myself and the family. So long as Dh sticks to his side of the bargain, any money he spends or debt he has, I turn a blind eye to. It's the only solution I found short of leaving otherwise a very good man. Hope this helps you.

And has refused to go to counselling for rel problems. I am going on my own. Urgh!

You've put £2K on your mortgage to pay off his sister and bail him out?! Go calculate what £2K is over the life of a mortgage, get angry, and resolve to stop subsidising him.
Tbh, he sounds awful quite apart from the money.

However in my situation, my dh has a good job and has made his monthly commitment. So I'm happy. He knows he must always have a job or look for one as I'm not prepared to bail him out for too long (hence the need to save for a rainy day).

I do think your dh is an alcoholic. If he can't stop or won't, he is dependent on the alcohol. He needs to seek help but he needs to want to do that.

I just said tonight you pay that bill by so and so. And he got very angry saying I am making a point because we're having a tough time. I paid £1500 off his loan and he'd forgotten about it. When I reminded him the balance was less than he thought he didn't even say thank you. When I said that made me upset he said well I'm sure I said thank you at the time! Problem is he is my husband and father to our children. I wish I could find a way for him to see he's been difficult cos without an apology I feel very cross with him!

When you bailed him out in bygone days how did he run out of money was he unlucky or careless? He never saves and is disorganised. Are you going to dedicate another 7 years to propping him up?

His drinking doesn't help the family finances. Does he lose his temper or just keep up a running monologue of complaints?

Can I cut to the chase - when you say he gets very mean are you scared of him on occasions OP?

Donkeys he normally spent his cash on his ancient car failing AGAIN. Although we are not allowed to mention it is a hunk of rubbish it takes up all his spare cash! He also loves it like a child! Some kind of symbiotic relationship since he spent a year under the bonnet of a similar one while his parents were divorcing.

I have shrieked at him in the past when I felt I was getting nowhere but now know that I won't so not frightened of him physically just get that bruised feeling the next morning after he's launched I into a pissed tirade about how I'm a f**king weirdo, sicko lunatic, twat etc. seems not to remember how heated it got when he reemergence the following morning. More scared because I sort of know I am not happy and should prob get out but We have two small children and otherwise quite a nice life and I know I will always feel guilty for taking this to pieces until at least I have exhausted every opp to sort it out.

He may look back at his parents divorcing and think however bad things get, money issues, debt, what we might call verbal abuse or euphemistically, heated exchanges, sober or drunk, at least he won't repeat his parents' split.

That's not really anything to be proud of if he rejects counselling, finds consolation in a bottle and keeps his DW wary of provoking his ire.

For better or for worse - I thought that meant what Fate throws at you not depending on what mood DH is in on that particular day.

If that's his take on married life how about your reasonable expectations? (I'd be tempted to arrange for a scrap metal merchant to assess that precious car if it dominated our household expenditure).

The DCs won't be immune to the atmosphere at home forever. If you are in two minds about staying in the marriage DH is his own worst enemy.

I'm horrified that a man on a higher income than you is still managing to be a fucking cocklodger. Good grief.

Oh good god, just read your last post. Get out please. He's talking to you like you're shit on his shoe ffs.

Sorry but you need to go. He is an alcoholic- your children do not have a good life living in that situation. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and my mum wouldn't leave- I had a very difficult childhood and I blame my mum partly for that. She used us as an excuse to stay.

"More scared because I sort of know I am not happy and should prob get out but We have two small children and otherwise quite a nice life and I know I will always feel guilty for taking this to pieces until at least I have exhausted every opp to sort it out".

Ah, the sunken costs fallacy again rears its ugly head, you forget though that the damage has been already done.

There is no probably about it and you have bailed him out more than enough times; infact the first time you did that was a mistake because it shielded him from the consequences of his actions. Enabling him as you have done has not worked and has only also given you a false sense of control.

You cannot rescue and or save anyone who does not want to be helped and he was never your "project" to rescue and or save either.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, what are they learning from you both currently?. Please do not make this become your childrens "normal" when it comes to relationships because it clearly is not.

We think of our years together in a relationship as a cost or specifically a sunk cost. So when we think of breaking up, we say to ourselves ,“I can’t break up. No way am I going to waste the years of relationships we had together.”

By continuing the relationship, we think that we can redeem all of that ‘wasted’ years.

But we fail to heed the trite adage – the damage is done.

We shouldn’t proceed with our decision on breaking up based on how many years or how much of our emotions we invested in a relationship; they are irrelevant.

It’s the future that matters and not the past.

Could you manage by yourself? (You could you'd have to!) You need to start thinking about how this would work. He has his fingers in his ears. He just takes them out long enough to hurl out some abuse.