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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I been unfair about money?

48 replies

Middledaughter · 02/04/2014 23:00

I have posted here before about the difficulties I'm having with my husband of 4 years but tonight could really do with some advice on a money issue. In the past I have bailed him out when he's run out of money and paid down a debt he has with my parents. I have also paid my way fully through 2 maternity leaves.

I work part time and he works full time but I get an annual bonus which is quite decent. Last year I spent it on a loan we needed to reply to his sister. This year I've booked us flights for a holiday and paid for all holiday money. Approx 2k. He says he's save £400 towards the holiday.

We have a part time nanny and I have paid to set her up as our employee, I have done all paperwork and paid her in full until she was Ofsted registered and we could use our vouchers. He couldn't as he was paying off another car bill. Now we have a bill for £350 for nanny tax and I've said you should pay it. He's saying he doesn't have the cash and I am not behaving as part of a couple. I think he should pay this as I've done so much. He never saves and I do but end up paying for everything because he's not organised. He says if he has the money he'd do it for me but in 7 years he never has!

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 03/04/2014 07:03

I don't see where you have a nice life, tbh op. He sounds awful. He costs you a fortune. It will never stop. He is spending your children's inheritance and your savings for old age - ( don't forget to save for him to! He's got much for fun things to spend your money on) right now on booze, a heap of scrap metal - so if he's boozing at night and working on the car all weekend, when is he actually spending time with you?

Does he expect you to booze with him or look after the dc when he is working on his hobby?

You sound so organised with money- it wouldn't have occurred to me to take a partners debt and convert to mortgage. I would have told them to get a loan or get a cc. He should have done that.
Its clear to me he doesn't see himself as a contributor, and never will. He will keep you poor if he can, that's for sure. He knows you'll always pay for him. You don't have to. Is it so much better when he's there? Hungover?

43percentburnt · 03/04/2014 07:37

Hmm, he does have money to spend on himself on day to day stuff like alcohol.

Not ideal as it's once again you being responsible but get 12 months bank statements work out true cost each month on bills food petrol holidays, clothes, kids activities. Work out what percent of income each of you bring into the house ie you 40% him 60%, pay your relative proportion and what each of you have left is for general spends. Then he can't whine about being unfair etc etc.

It is not ideal though.

His whining is to get you to feel unreasonable and stop expecting money from him. He knows you will pay for a family holiday and the nanny, so he can spend on himself.

43percentburnt · 03/04/2014 07:43

He will no doubt think the % split idea is unreasonable. You will be blamed for being controlling no doubt. So maybe get him to write down all the costs a household has to pay, it will be low figures, then produce the detailed money saving expert spreadsheet detailing all household expenditure from 12 months bank statements. This is factual, not 'controlling'.

His reaction about you being organised and practical may tell you everything you need to know.

Twinklestein · 03/04/2014 08:24

This man is ridiculous with money, an alcoholic, and verbally absuive to boot. What is in this for you?

I can't see that your children benefit in any way from being around this man full time.

Personally I would not be trying to get him to take his financial responsibilities seriously - he never will; I would be getting a solicitor to draw up a divorce.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/04/2014 10:00

What Attila says ^^ about the sunken costs fallacy.

He sniffs at the possibility of saving £100 a month and says you're the controlling one. I suppose he thinks his drinking enhances an already idyllic lifestyle.

Lweji · 03/04/2014 10:16

As for sunken costs, also think about how many years more do you want to waste with him.
You wouldn't put more money into a failing business, would you? Or a dying car...

Gen35 · 03/04/2014 10:39

Op what an awful situation for you. Do you want your kids getting his attitude to money? Have the counselling and get the strength to leave, at least he'd be pushed to cleaning up his own mess. He has a drink problem and a fundamental lack of respect for you and your opinions. Divorce is horrible but not everything is fixable. This sounds like it's been going on a long time.

Original poster

Middledaughter · 03/04/2014 10:43

He came up to bed at 1am last night and left this morning without speaking to me. I am completely used to this now. He is cross because I said I will not pay this bill. Only prob is it is in my name as I've set it up so if he doesn't pay it I'm the one in trouble!

We are supposed to be going away on our hol over Easter and his mother is looking after the children, then we have his sister to stay. I'm dreading all of this as we will have to pretend to be happy while they are here.

I know if I try and get him to leave he will fight me for the house but I think the only way he will understand he has been taking advantage of me for so long is if he does go. I need t stay here to keep the kids calm and in their own rooms, going to pre school etc.

I have asked so many times to go through money with him and we never seem to get to it. I know we are busy but I get so annoyed that I pick up most of the bills because of his lack of organisation.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 03/04/2014 10:52

If its in your name, unfortunately you are going to have to pay it. Don't fall into that again- and get your name off anything else which is his- car insurance? Get organised financially for your and your dc benefit, not his.

He's giving you the silent treatment? He has a cheek- or its worked in the past?

Original poster

Middledaughter · 03/04/2014 11:30

Thanks Gen. Yes I agree he doesn't respect my opinions at all. I've now emailed him and said the drinking needs to stop and we need to have an honest look at our finances by the end of this week or we will need to separate.

Yes Lavender silent treatment more times than I can remember followed in the past by an apology from me for overreacting etc. Not any longer as I can see he is manipulating me. He is a very clever arguer but also very insecure so can never say sorry himself.

Anyone got any experience of getting a reluctant to leave man out of the house? Suffices to say he is a good Dad for the main part although I have been out to find him fast asleep/passed out downstairs with our youngest screaming upstairs.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/04/2014 11:33

Pretending to be happy is grotesque. I know it's easy for me a stranger safe behind a screen but he isn't a good partner and he doesn't show any contrition far from it. Which means any change is going to have to come from you.

HazleNutt · 03/04/2014 11:46

so:

he does not appreciate what you do for him
he is happily taking advantage of you, letting you pay for most of your joint bills and his personal loans, even though he earns more than you
as you're working part time, I bet you do almost all of the childcare and housework as well?
he thinks you are 'a f**king weirdo, sicko lunatic, twat'
he drinks large amounts of alcohol every evening

There does not seem to be much room for 'otherwise nice life'. And no, a good dad does not treat the mother of his children like that. And certainly does not pass out drunk while in charge of children.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/04/2014 12:00

Knowledge is power so if you look into practical matters you will find out where you'd stand.

If you wanted to formally separate and he were resistant you would need legal help to do this. In which case you make an appointment with a solicitor, one that specialises in family law.

Before the initial consultation write down in advance what you'd like to know so you can get through everything in the first half hour which is free I believe, (but check beforehand).

Or start by getting free advice from your local
CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) about housing, benefits; anything you may be entitled to as a single parent.

CookieDoughKid · 05/04/2014 14:37

Yes. I have experience of trying to her a reluctant man to leave and I have to say, it took all my energy to become a rottweiler and turf him out
Sometimes being nice gets you no where. You have to mean business. I gave him lip at every opportunity. I reinforced at every opportunity how ashamed he should be to call himself a father when he can't even provide. In my culture, men like that are beneath the status of women. There is no word to describe that kind of man in my culture. And once he got out. It was the single biggest factor to him actually taking action, and demonstrating change.

CookieDoughKid · 05/04/2014 14:39

Nb. Note in my culture men and women are viewed differently. Not my opinion BTW. Just saying.

CookieDoughKid · 05/04/2014 14:40

From the words of my dh 'I had no incentive to change because I thought you couldn't do anything to me'.

Boy he got that completely wrong.

expatinscotland · 05/04/2014 14:48

Alcoholic, verbally abusive spendthrift. Need to,think,of how to get him out rather than how to fix this.

kutee · 05/04/2014 19:45

Ridiculous. I don't understand why people do this. You have paid so many times. It will never change. My partner earned more than me and wasted his money. I have a 65% share in our mortgage as most the deposit came from me agreed by him. When he had an overdraft of nearly a grand. I refused to help him so he could learn his lesson. My savings are mine and my daughters. I learnt from my parents mistakes to not let the man take the piss! He will never hut rock bottom because you bail him out so he doesn't have to think about his spending.

ADishBestEatenCold · 05/04/2014 20:36

Is he borrowing a lot of money, Middledaughter? You mentioned that he currently has a loan (which you reduced by a chunk), that he also had a loan from his sister (which you paid off), and that he has repayments to your parents (another loan?).

That's a lot of borrowing (for a family that also have a mortgage). Are these loans for the benefit of the family, or because his personal spending is beyond his means?

Viviennemary · 05/04/2014 21:05

I am surprised at how many couples seem to have this you pay for this and I'll pay for that arrangement. But whatever arrangements you do have bills and debts and childcare expenses have to be prioritised before going on holiday. You can't go through the next twenty years like this.

expatinscotland · 05/04/2014 21:09

Sounds like he might be gambling.

Cabrinha · 05/04/2014 21:23

Well done for standing up to him.

Two things from your recent posts on this page though:

you are not paying the bills due to his "lack of organisation", but because he's deliberately sponging off you.

he doesn't not say sorry because he's "insecure". He doesn't say it because he isn't sorry, and he doesn't care. He's probably quite the opposite of insecure. Insecure would say sorry too much, if anything.

Trust me, he's not insecure and he's not disorganised. He's happy with his life, isn't he? I'm glad you're putting a rocket up his arse now!

expatinscotland · 05/04/2014 21:34

' Suffices to say he is a good Dad for the main part although I have been out to find him fast asleep/passed out downstairs with our youngest screaming upstairs.'

He pisses money up a wall, verbally abuses his wife and is an alcoholic who passes out and risks his kids' safety.

There is nothing good about this person as a parent.

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