Shall I have it out with MIL?

[womblesofwestminster]

To sum up my situation:

• I am a SAHM with a toddler and a preschooler.

• I do some freelance work on the side but it only pays pennies compared to DH.

• All my inlaws live at the other side of the country so we seldom see them but DH and MIL talk on the phone regularly.

• A few months ago the boiler broke, and we were in a pickle. No savings, etc. So DH went to his DM asking for a loan.

• MIL and SIL told DH that I should get a job.

• After hearing this I sent MIL a message asking her what she meant (my wages wouldn't even cover childcare), and she sent one back saying she values work ethic. It was a vague 'dodging the question' kind of answer and then she stopped replying to my messages.

They've made other digs in the past, such as criticising my freelance on facebook (MY facebook page no less).

I understand that, to outsiders, this may all seem petty, but I find their hostility towards me baffling and incredibly hurtful. DH 'doesn't want to get involved'. He's stood up for me once (the Facebook saga).

Soooooooo MIL is visiting in 2 weeks. This is my opportunity to invite her out for a drink - just her and me - and then I can ask her what her issue is. Good idea, or bad? Any tips on how I should handle 'the confrontation'?

Problem is with your DH . When dh's do not support you, this can be an ongoing problem within the marriage DO NOT assume that as long as you put forward a reasonable viewpoint, they will hear you. They may well not. Some folks aint listening, but metaphorically have their hands over their ears going 'lah, lah, lah'. I don't think anything will be achieved by having a confrontation. I actually cited my XH's/mil's collusion against me over a 20 yr period in the divorce petition. There was plenty of other stuff to go in there i hasten to add, but I decided to indulge myself.
If you can nip this in the bud, all well and good. Tis always possible he will continue not to hear you also.
Out of interest, did MIL work outside the home at this stage of children's upbringing? Mine was remarkably good at saying one thing, having done another....

I think you should make every effort to be 'out looking for work' when she visits, I'm sure she and your DP would be more than happy to take care of all the child are to help you get a job.

What's the point in having it out with her when you know her view? She thinks that you should be contributing to the family finances.

I don't think that any good can come of your plan and as you asked for a loan for the boiler I think she probably felt entitled to an opinion on your family finances when she wasn't before?

Just ignore your MIL, block her on facebook, or whatever you do (who on earth has time/energy/inclination for FB - it seems to lead to endless problems - I am perfectly happy without it ).

Do not get into any confrontational situation with MIL - you cannot 'win', she does not care what your views are, just as you don't care what her views are. Don't give her the pleasure of any discussion.

The real issue is with your DH - why doesn't he stand up for you and tell his mother to beak out?

Hnmmmm, I don't say this easily, but it sounds like you're spoiling for a fight.

I know that's quite an antagonistic thing to say, but, having had many a show down within my own family I can only say this.

You feel very very wronged and unsupported from al sides and no wonder, but you sound so angry and fed up. It doesn't seem like a very safe place for you to start a conversation.

Perhaps you need to work it all through with your dh fisrt, feel good about that and then present a units front to your mil.

I too have been told by my lovely sils that "I am sitting at home getting all handed to me" I also have a toddler and a preschooler and it's a rare five minutes I get to sit down.
It really does annoy me every now and again in my head and I wish I could forget it.
I wouldn't bother with the confrontation, she obv has no respect for you : pop some laxitives in her tea for some revenge..........only messing. Kinda...

work out what you going back to work would cost with childminders costs etc everything to prove it really won't make much difference then show him

don't discuss finances with them anymore dont borrow money get your boiler insured its worth it in the long run

Tbh I think it's your husband that' the problem. You can have a confrontation with your MIL but she may well be just be reacting to whatever her "D"S has been saying/implying which sounds like it's prob not hugely supportive of the joint decision you made.

He's an arse and I'd refuse to be around either of them until you stop being painted as the bad guy...

Your discussion should be with your DH.

You should not be justifying or explaining your decisions to your MiL or anyone else.

You two need to make up your minds how your family is going to operate and then get on with it.

And if he can't stand up to his mother because you need her money, then you either find it from somewhere else (you do a weekend job?) or do without.

I would also suggest blocking MIL and SIL from Facebook. It's supposed to be for keeping in touch, not passive aggressive digs.

Why does your husband think it's OK for them to say what they like, but if you respond it's suddenly 'childish'?

I would confront your husband and simply avoid your MIL and SIL. They are just bitches and you won't change their minds. Remember that you do not have to justify yourself to them.

ok it sounds like your dh is talking through your inlaws rather than dealing with it directly with you and now you're readying yourself for a confrontation with your inlaws rather than have it out with dh.

you're both doing the same thing which is avoiding dealing with each other and the real issues here imo.

I can understand the desire to want to straighten things out with mil . An issue between husband and wife isn't a big deal , but coming from a in law it's intrusive and over the line. Still , I think the problem is the Dh.

Issues in the marriage need to be addressed between the two of your, not taken to his mum.

In the same way that your DH is expressing his unstated view via the MIL, you now seem to want to have a fight with her as a proxy for having a proper discussion with your DH.

Although it's understandable that your frustration with your DH is motivating you to do this, as long as your DH can keep his distance from the argy-bargy, then arguing with the MIL is not going to solve anything.

I agree with others that the inlaws aren't the problem. Picking a fight with her is just a drama for the sake of a drama. Neither of you will change your minds, you'll both get upset and emotional. It won't solve anything.
You need to have a discussion with your husband about this if he thinks you'd be better off working (and couples often do change their mind about SAHMs when the reality of only 1 income hits home). Look at how much you'd get paid and how much child care would be and see how the sums are. At the moment you can't support yourselves so something needs to change.

Am watching this thread with interest and can totally sympathize.
I went NC with SIL & BIL several years ago after they verbally attacked me across my own kitchen table telling me what an awful person I was, making no contribution to society because I didn't earn anything (despite owning a BTL which brings me a modest income and has enabled me to be a SAHM).

At the time I had 4 dcs under 9 and was running a charity which employed 20 women and provided childcare for 100 children....but because I wasn't paid, it counted for nothing in their eyes.
Initially I put it down to drink, and just let it go but several months later when SIL was trying to compel me to accept some help from them (she thought was for my own benefit) I said I felt too uncomfortable after what she had said over the summer..... I did expect her to need reminding (if it had been alcohol related) but no, she launched in again going over the same ground saying that she and BIL felt no-one in society deserves any kind of respect UNLESS they earn money!?!
What really broke my heart and has caused a long term rift is my DP's lack of support. He just stood by and then denied they'd intended to cause hurt (essentially calling me a liar) and still to this day, cannot understand how distraught I was and why I am so hurt by his lack of backbone.
Like other MNs I always considered us a little team united against the world but how wrong I was. He keeps pushing for some sort of reconciliation but since I know I will stand alone as he is too wet to intervene I simply refuse.
OP, really don't bother having it out with your MIL it won't change matters, she will feel no remorse for causing your distress. Remember that even if she apologizes it will mean nothing without a genuine sincere wish to make amends. BIL & SIL would never admit they were out of line and nor will your MIL. It is very distressing to realize the men in our lives value their relationship with their DM, DBs etc over the relationships they have with the mothers of their children.
Thinking of you. Do try and step back. I wouldn't host, let DP do all the work and have a nice day out somewhere with some girlfriends.

OP when doing your spreadsheet about going back to work include all added costs and how much housework your DH is going to have to do. But also include day he will need to take off if one of your dc are ill and can not attend childminder/nursery. You can not be expected to cover all child related things once you are working.

I feel like I am in a different world from the other posters!

I think you are the problem. Your MIL is insensitive but that's all I reckon. I think your DH has a DW problem.

MIL first. If a family member came to me looking for a loan because their boiler broke I'd be a bit when one of them is a SAHP by choice and they haven't got any savings and aren't able/willing to get a loan from the bank, oh and the SAHP can find time to do a job that doesn't actually pay any real money and I'm "not exactly a high flier" myself. If you can't afford to save, how can you afford to pay me back? Or do you just want to use me as a source of cheap finance? Jog on love.

Why are you determined to make her understand why YOU deserve HER money? Why must you make her see that she is so so unreasonable to not give you her money?

You want to "have it out" so she knows why it is totally unreasonable to suggest that you should get a paying job; that it is so so wrong for her to hint that you should get a job. WTF?!

I cannot believe that you messaged her "asking what she meant?"! It is her money. She doesn't have to give it to you. Suggesting that a non-working person should get a job if they are short of money instead of sponging off other hard up family members is extremely REASONABLE. You were damn lucky she tried to keep the peace by saying something vague about work ethic rather than telling you to get stuffed you pair of princesses.

Now the DH. It sounds like your DH realised she has a point and is embarrassed. "We made the SAHM decision jointly and now it seems he's changing his mind. So because he's changed HIS mind I've got to jump to his tune?" You have no savings, you can't afford to fix the boiler, you had to ask his mum for money. Umm, it seems quite reasonable to reopen the SAHM decision. No?

When you both decided to try life with you as a SAHM, did he know that he wasn't allowed to re-open the discussion if things weren't working? That you'd get all hissy? That if his DM suggested you get a job after you had to ASK HER FOR MONEY that you'd threaten to go NC!!! I wonder why he finds it hard to discuss this openly with you. Jeez.

I am a freelancer and part time SAHM. If we had to ask other people for money, we'd be re-evaluating our choices immediately. FFS you hadn't even properly worked out how much childcare would cost and how much you could earn before asking for a handout (a cheap loan, where the lender would never call in the debt collectors IS a handout even if repaid).

By the way, the MIL might still like you, she just doesn't want to start bank-rolling your lifestyle choices. Everyone's MIL gets a bit snippy about something their DIL does. Yours has a bee in her bonnet about you not working. Some MILs think that dropping hints (maybe via Facebook) to help you notice your mistake is better than saying straight out that they think you are doing the wrong thing. I'm not saying that's the right approach, but it is certainly common with otherwise lovely people.

The moment you asked her for money you made it acceptable for her to comment more openly. If you keep on at her about it or god forbid go NC then I'm sure she'll soon stop liking you though.

You sound like an entitled princess. Have some sympathy for his embarrassment. Learn to manage your money. Stop being a princess. Apologise to the MIL.

clutter your ILs and DP sound hideous.

Well when you put it like that... :)

OP didn't ask MIL for the money for the boiler, her DH did.

MIL obv got snippy with him and he is in turn taking it out on OP.

OP your problem really is your DH. Whatever you do with the MIL won't solve the issue you have with him.

He has put you in a difficult situation and then washed his hands of the whole thing.

Deal with him and as if by magic everything else will fall into place.

Hmmm.... Not sure I agree with fancyspacegloves about you being a princess etc as it doesn't seem to be the potential need for you to work that's the issue, more the way you've been treated/judged by your in-laws without there being any discussion. This seems to be as a result of your husband asking them for a loan and your husband being weak about maybe having changed his mind on your lifestyle choice ad not communicating this. Why should you forgive him for being embarrassed? His choice too and his decision to approach the in laws rather than discuss alternative solutions.

She maybe had a point about the need to re-evaluate your lifestyle choices and plan your finances if it's not working though.

What do you think?

I can understand why you want to have it out with her but I'd advise not to. It'll come across as you defending your decision and choices, you don't need to defend it, it's right for you and nothing to do with her.

It's all drama with her, comments on fb to get a reaction out of you and then complaints when you do.

If you confront her, she'll know she's getting to you and that her opinion is important to you.

Ignore and detach.

Delete her comments when she makes them but don't say a thing. Tell your dh you don't care what she says to him about you and you don't want to hear it. Stop messaging her. Make other plans when she wants to come round or be breezy when she does. Her opinion of you no longer matters, it'll be very liberating.

Your dh needs to support you and the decisions you both made.

I think when you have to ask a family member for a loan for an emergency situation, then it's definitely time to re-evaluate your finances and choices.

I don't think your MIL has done anything too wrong. Your DH made it her business by asking her to fund your (as in yours and his) decisions and choices.

Also, I'd suggest she is probably being a mouthpiece for your DH, who has clearly been airing his grievances to her.

I agree with WhoNickedMyName, when you take money from someone you open yourself up to these types of comments. If you stand on your own two feet financially your arrangements are your own affair. Have you and your DH thanked them for the loan and repaid them?

Op you have my sympathies. My mil called me a waste of space at the weekend. Soon to be exdh agreed. Dd heard and told me. I am sahm and run apart time business too. O and mil has lent us money too. Although we sorry I have savings to cover. Just tied up.
Mil rang today as she must know I know. I chickened out of speaking to her.
Let us know what you do and how you get on.