Shall I have it out with MIL?

[womblesofwestminster]

To sum up my situation:

• I am a SAHM with a toddler and a preschooler.

• I do some freelance work on the side but it only pays pennies compared to DH.

• All my inlaws live at the other side of the country so we seldom see them but DH and MIL talk on the phone regularly.

• A few months ago the boiler broke, and we were in a pickle. No savings, etc. So DH went to his DM asking for a loan.

• MIL and SIL told DH that I should get a job.

• After hearing this I sent MIL a message asking her what she meant (my wages wouldn't even cover childcare), and she sent one back saying she values work ethic. It was a vague 'dodging the question' kind of answer and then she stopped replying to my messages.

They've made other digs in the past, such as criticising my freelance on facebook (MY facebook page no less).

I understand that, to outsiders, this may all seem petty, but I find their hostility towards me baffling and incredibly hurtful. DH 'doesn't want to get involved'. He's stood up for me once (the Facebook saga).

Soooooooo MIL is visiting in 2 weeks. This is my opportunity to invite her out for a drink - just her and me - and then I can ask her what her issue is. Good idea, or bad? Any tips on how I should handle 'the confrontation'?

Lots of mums work and their families manage childcare arrangements/costs. I think there is part of tax credit to help with that?

DH earns too much for that, I believe.

surly it was both of your decision to have the baby and for you to be a SAHM!

Yes, both kids mutually planned.

your contribution in this area needs to be seen as a certain amount of money saved on childcare.

That's the message I'll be making clear to MIL.

I don't think talking to MIL will work out well

Do you not think I should put forward my side of the story? Basically I'd like to present my case and then say, "if there there is going to be any more drama between you and I, I think we should go NC for the sake of the family". I should at least have to give her the opportunity to hear my view and to present hers before jumping straight to NC yeah?

Also, make a spreadsheet showing how much more you would need to earn to pay for full time childcare and what kind of hours you'd need to work to pay for it (I.e. Impossible high numbers) on top of existing bills. Figures talk very loudly in these circs.

Yes, good idea. I'll search for some local childminders and get some quotes.

The problem is, I don't know what my exact earnings would be. It would be entry level graduate at best. So, do you reckon that is about £20K?

Second of all, you are also working freelance, so they have even less right to suggest that you do not have a work ethic. Bloody cheek!

Not bringing in as much money as they hope, it would seem. btw they're not high fliers themselves

I'd hide her posts or block her on Facebook.

Yeah, I did that. DH says it was 'petty.'

So now he is questioning whether we'd be better off if I went back to being a SAHM as it certainly made his life easier (no nursery/school drop-offs for him, more time for me to sort out household admin etc)!!

What have you said to him? Do you enjoy your work outside the home? Does he ever pressure you to go FT? If I go into employment, I'm going FT. DH can do 50% domestic and childcare.

NO, go and find a Full Time job, tell whoever is putting their nose in that you are so pleased to contribute to the family finances.

Oh dear, what about the childcare??????
Tell them to sort it out themselves if they think you Should be working.
End of.
This happened to a friend years ago,
Made everyone wake up to the logistics of it.

Lots of people have said that your problem is with your DH, but you have not responded to that.

Personally, I think a planned confrontation is a very bad idea. I think casually talking about your lifestyle while she's visiting is the way to go.

Really, it's your DH who is causing all of this, and you said that he too was resentful of your sahm status at the time.

Your in-laws don't have to agree with you or think that your choices are ideal, but really, your DH should. He's your problem.

Made everyone wake up to the logistics of it.

Yes, and I actually think I'll feel happier employed.

when I asked if he would be there at the confrontation. Suffice to say, no he won't be there

Speaks volumes and sod that for a game of soldiers.
I just wouldn't be there at all.
I'd be staying with family or friends while the ILs were there.
Let them all get on with it.

And your DH sound like a knob of the highest order by the way!

Did your MIL work when her children were very young? I only ask because I know someone in a similar situation and after months of snide remarks, it turned out her MIL had only worked PT and the kids were cared for by her mother and for free.

Your husband sounds like a tool wolfhound doesn't appreciate or value you.

I'm just looking to go back to work after being a SAHM for 13 years. I'm studying via home learning but full time to complete ASAP. it's only now that I'm working lots of hors studying and can't hold everything together as I used to that my family are really starting to appreciate being a SAHM isn't the half of it.

By being at home and dealing will all the home related needs it's allowed my DH to never need to consider fitting in around anything, he could work anytime anywhere and concentrate on his career. When he's not working, his time is leisure time with no chores.

Now I'm working, he will have to work many more hours because he'll need to pick up half the home chores. He won't be able to work unpredictable hours and will need to check with me if he can do things, rather than just telling me he will be.

It's taking a lot of adjustment to get him used to having regular responsibilities and me used to not simply reverting to my old role if facilitating everyone else to live their lives to the optimum.

It's going to take a lot of time and patience for us all to adjust. I haven't just been a SAHM, I've allowed him the freedom to build a career and his non working time to be purely leisure. He's only now really appreciating that

*wolfhound?????

I meant who!

If you'd be happier working, then for heaven's sake do that OP!! But for you, not because of your ignorant in laws. Life is too short. You might not have much more money at the start with childcare costs but that's not the only important thing in life. Your own wellbeing is vital.

Take the weekend off and leave MIL and the prodical son to bond with the two little angels.

That'll teach them all about work ethic. Perhaps send a little message to her and dh togethe saying, ' a mother's work never ends, except when granny comes to stay! Enjoy and speak soon'.

Now I'm working, he will have to work many more hours because he'll need to pick up half the home chores. He won't be able to work unpredictable hours and will need to check with me if he can do things, rather than just telling me he will be.

How's he finding that?

Take the weekend off and leave MIL and the prodical son to bond with the two little angels.

I would, but I have nowhere to go. Besides, I think saying my peace with MIL and then going NC is the best thing for my mental health. After giving her my side I can 'shut off' from it. Tbh I think DH is playing me off against MIL, God knows why. But if I go NC then he'll no longer get any benefit from it.

So you are going to go NC with your MIL be ause she made some cracks about you not earning? What does that mean? Does that mean she will no longer be welcome to stay in your house to see the GCs?

Cos if you do that then you will 1000% be seen as the bad guy by absolutely everyone in the family. Just be sure you're prepared for that.

Tough for both of us, it's been less than a month. Doesn't mean neither of us want it to work, just that's it's blooming hard trying to change our mind sets and habits.

It's going to be tougher financially too because he earns a lot extra through overtime and he's not going to be able to do that and keep up with his responsibilities at home too.

Swapping overtime paying shit loads of money for housework which is a thankless task won't be easy for him. But unless I get some of the same support I have always given him so I can invest in my career then I can't hope to have anything other than a job iykwim

At least my DH wants to be supportive, so it's just a case of working through the practicalities. I wouldn't stand for it if he didn't value me, in fact he's always valued me more than I have!

I reckon if you get your DH to think through how you working full time would affect your DC and (more importantly to him) HIS life, he might back pedal a bit.

If you have it out with her, it just gives her the impression that you think it's her business, and it really isn't. The best thing to do is to smile and ignore her, which will really piss her off, as presumably she's trying to annoy you by being so rude.

'Do you not think I should put forward my side of the story? Basically I'd like to present my case and then say, "if there there is going to be any more drama between you and I, I think we should go NC for the sake of the family". I should at least have to give her the opportunity to hear my view and to present hers before jumping straight to NC yeah?'

Do NOT do this. You are assuming that talking to this woman will brings out a reasonable side to her, that if you are open hearted and honest she will reciprocate. She will not, there IS no reasonable side. I have tried and tried with my MIL, have given great ground in an effort to make her like me...all for nothing. She does a very good impression of being nice enough when DH's is there, but there are endless digs and annoyances.

She doesn't like you, she doesn't like you because you have taken her place in her sons affections and she is not mature enough to see that you are a good and loving partner who is willing to sacrifice future security and lose re numeration potential by staying at home and looking after boTH of your kids. She is not going to change this point of view just because you talk to her. she WILL use your suggestion of NC if you can't agree against you.

I'd steer clear wherever possible. I'd also be having a very important conversation with my DH if he failed to get my back on this. I have had to gently push in the past but DH KNOWS that it's his place to take my corner if I need it. It damages a relationship to let an outside party undermine the decisions of the couple that have nothing to do with them. If your Dhh as changed his mind about you working then it is HIS job as a grown up to say so...not let his mummy do the talking.

You have my sympathies.

You need to have it out with your dh. He's sounds like a coward. Maybe get some figures together for childcare and show him, and don't forget he'll be paying too. See his little face then...

Btw, we have eon Central heating cover that we pay dd each month. We get it serviced yearly by them too as part of the package. Hth.

Now I'm working, he will have to work many more hours because he'll need to pick up half the home chores. He won't be able to work unpredictable hours and will need to check with me if he can do things, rather than just telling me he will be.
It's taking a lot of adjustment to get him used to having regular responsibilities and me used to not simply reverting to my old role if facilitating everyone else to live their lives to the optimum.
It's going to take a lot of time and patience for us all to adjust. I haven't just been a SAHM, I've allowed him the freedom to build a career and his non working time to be purely leisure. He's only now really appreciating that.

^^ This
I'd totally call your sh*t of a husband on this if I were you. Sit him down and tell him that you are very happy and pleased to go back to work FT, you've applied for jobs and secured childcare at a cost of X which needs to come out of the family pot.
THEN, outline that regardless of the job and location, he will need to do drop offs or pick ups including either breakfasts or dinners. Give him an estimate of how much time you spend doing housework a week and ask him if how much time in the evenings and weekends he wants to spend doing housework, or if the cost of a cleaner at 10 per hour should also be factored into the household pot.
Watch him squirm. The slightest attempt at backpedalling should be met with a conversation about backing up your joint decisions about what's right for your family right now, and NEVER, EVER going to family for a loan again.

You've recently made comment on another thread about competitive tiredness - that OP is FT with a DH who is not pulling his weight so you can see the pitfalls of not making it a 50:50 from the outset.

I would look at the salary you would get if you got a job at the sort of level you think is realistic in your area, and look at the childcare fees and show your husband how much less you are going to have to live off when you get your job and ask whether he can do any extra over-time to cover for it - but with covering either drop offs or pick ups of course.

If you can't physically go out over the weekend you can fill your days being busy doing gardening or cooking or whatever you fancy. I find a pair of headphones and my ipad to be invaluble when irritating people come to stay.

I think you really need to seperate the issue of whether you work or not from the evil MIL, evil SIL and pratty DH issue.

If you DH is that unsupportive you could try weekend or evening work which would leave him with his kids. It would save on childcare and might even be fun.

Why are you ignoring the main point which lots of people have made that your problem is with your DH and not your mil?

It is easier to stamp around getting hussy with a woman making snipy comments but that should be water off a ducks back.
The real problem is that she seems to be voicing views your DH strongly agrees with.
It sounds like he is happy for her to voice that which he will not.

Why are you not dealing with that which is actually a real problem? Is it too difficult. Would you rather fight with her?

Also I'd consider looking around at further study to earn more. My logic would be, you both agreed you'd sah, you now have reduced job prospects, perhaps a better idea is to study for something that'll be worth your while doing for the last few pre school years and then go back to something YOU want and not just anything. Dh can buy into it knowing you have a plan to contribute, you don't feel forced into just getting any old job.

Wombles, my DH is actually pretty supportive of me to do whatever I want re working vs SAHM. As it is, I do enjoy working which is the main reason at the moment, although it is also because I work in a fast-moving sector and if I am out of work for too long it will be hard to get back in.

It is tricky though. DH works long long hours and his job is v stressful, so I do pick up most of the child/house stuff and I'm mostly happy with that.

Why don't you suggest to your DH (and MIL) that you'll review things once both children are at school. Although the school hours do make things tricky logistically, childcare will be cheaper overall (e.g. After school and school hols only).

Another one agreeing that the problem is with your dh. It sounds as if he would be happy for you to go back to work, which is great. He will, of course, be paying half of the cost of childcare, so only factor in half to your sums which means that you should be able to afford something.

But make sure he understands that he will have to do his share of the drop offs and pick ups and that he will have to take days off when the kids are sick too. Once they start going to school, he will need to take his holiday leave to cover their school holidays and you will need to take yours separately too, to cover it. It is haaaaard, both working but it can be done as long as you are both working together.

wombles as is so often the case with these MIL threads, you have a DH problem rather than a MIL problem.

You and DH should be a unit with your own little family. You should each be defending that unit from anyone who attacks you.

DH has made it clear he will not defend you from his family. I could not live with such a man.