Partner has constant money issues. How long should/can I tolerate this for? Would you kick him out now or give him another chance?

[NebNeb]

I have known dp for a fair few years and he has lived with me and my dc for around 2 years.

He is the most fun loving, happy person and we get on brilliantly. He loves the dc and they love him. I work full time at the moment. He isn't working because he sold his last business (not for a large sum but a reasonable amount) and he has a long term health issue which has flared up at the moment. The plan was that he would start looking for work at the beginning of this year.

Dp has an ex-w and dc who live elsewhere. Ex-w was supposed to give dp a settlement (as when they divorced, she kept the house and all the money in the bank account which had resulted from the sale of one of his businesses) but is yet to pay it over (it relates to money in the bank account). I do not know the full story to this. I know she was supposed to pay it as I have seen the documents but that's it. Let's call it £10k.

Dp and I do not have joint accounts. But he has a credit card linked to my account that is supposed to be for household spending.

Dp likes a flutter every now and then as do I. But I have v strict limits on what can be spent on things like this. E.g. I might transfer say £50 into an online betting account once a month but as far as I'm concerned, when it is gone it is gone. I thought dp was sticking to this. At Xmas time, I saw he was gambling online but not through our account. I looked over his shoulder while he was logging in and found out he had another account with the same provider which he had when he was married to ex-w and he had carried on using it. I was appalled. Not only was he spending her money (she must have noticed!) but also he was spending a lot. He wasn't happy I had caught him but said he felt she owed him that money because she hadn't paid the settlement over to him. SO I told him not to be so stupid and to seek it through the correct channels.

Then I noticed that he was spending a lot of money on my card going out. He said he was bored so he would go to the pub during the day and when I looked, he was spending a fortune, like on average £30 a day which is not sustainable long term. I took the card away and said I would have to give him cash every week because I couldn't trust him with it. THe issue being that he does shop for groceries, fill the car up for petrol in addition to the going out.

On Sunday, I notice he is using the old gambling account again. I tell him this time he is out and must leave. He pleads, cries, wails, says he will transfer the money and close it. I say fine, do that. He promises he has.

On Monday I look, and it's still there and he's transferred more money from her account into the gambling account. He does not know I have access to see it but I remember the log in.

Today he was meant to see the lawyer to sort out the money. He phones to say he has cancelled the appointment because I didn't leave him the card and he will be embarrassed if he has to pay. And he can't go the dentist and he has an abcess (he does) because I didn't leave him money. I can see he is hugely trying to guilt trip me.

I am so so so sad about this. I love him, he loves me. We have so much fun, the kids love him and vice versa....but I can't see any option but to ask him to leave now. I do not think I will EVER be able to trust him with money and I am starting to get concerned that his ex-w is going to come after me for this money he is taking out of her account to gamble with. This is the only issue we have. HIs friends like me, my friends like me, our families like each other - it's the first time I've been truly happy with a bloke and I think the feeling is mutual. Fgs!

NebNeb: I don't blame you, you've been given both barrels here, always honesty though, nothing less than the best advice.

Of course, nobody is actually trying to put you down, you sound fantastic, well capable, too kind if anything.

I'm sorry, but no amount of "fun" would make these issues worth putting up with.

As we all know it's the boring things like honesty, trust, shared values and kindness which really make a relationship worth having. If you're in a solid long term partnership then fun is great, just as long as you have all the other things too.

My opinion may be coloured by the fact that I don't really get gambling.

OP I can see you feel like these comments are the tough side of tough love, but every post I have read is on your side and incensed with him.

You really don't have to put up with this.

No it's fine, it's what I wanted to hear really. Sometimes you need people to confirm what you are thinking.

It's tough because of the dcs. I am on my way home from work and trying to think how I can do it to spare them the most trauma as I don't think he'll go willingly or easily. I think I will wait till the weekend as the dcs will be with their dad so at least they won't have to see anything and by the time they are back, he will be gone.

Small amounts of gambling, money that can be afforded, like the occasional £50 in your example, is perfectly fine- I'd spend that on a monthly facial so if someone else wanted that to be their "treat", then no problem to me, it's when it's not affordable or people don't view gambled money as "spent" or winnings as a bonus to the game "costs" of the stake, that it becomes a problem.

Doing it this weekend when the dcs are away is a good plan. Good luck.

OP I married a man like this. He bled me dry even forging my signature on loan applications. Please make sure you protect yourself. Even if you think he has no access to your accounts, change your PIN door and I got to it befs and passwords. Men like this can be very, very devious. I divorced mine when yet another loan popped through the door and I got to the post (for once) before he did. Towards the end I had £10/week to feed my daughter and me while he was gambling/drinking his "borrowed" money.

I'm so sorry growing old, how very sad :(

Thanks Neb had to pop out as DSS turned up so didn't proof read my post - sorry!. It all worked out for the best as I met my late DH after I divorced the cocklodger and had 10 really good years with a legacy of 2 gorgeous stepsons.

Please make sure you protect your finances.

Thanks, I will do. Well done for getting out and moving on x

Hello, this man is taking the piss. If he cannot even open a basic bank account he is financially pretty fucked.

He has no job.
Is trying to get out of getting a job.
Steals from his ex.
Steals from you.
Cannot get credit.
Gambles.
Sits in pub spending your money, with a painful tooth...

Ensure when you split that you change EVERY PIN number, report your cards lost so new ones come (incase he has saved your long number and seçurity code), financially disassociate yourself from him on experian, equifax and call credit. You cannot do this until you separate and close all joint accounts. You only financially link through opening joint accounts or applying for joint credit btw. If you don't disassociate then his bad credit may stop you getting credit. (Mortgage, car loan etc).

Monitor your bank account and credit files very closely after you split.

Ps most people are fun loving when they are carefree. No job worries, no finance worries, free meals, free booze, a bit of gambling when he fancies it, a credit card courtesy of neb neb to fix his tooshy pegs (teeth), good old ex wife and Nebneb take care of all that nasty grown up stuff.

I agree with you I doubt he will go willingly.

If you think he will kick off, call 101 and get a mate over for back up. If you split up he is not your problem. Do not feel guilty, he is a grown up, he can claim benefits if he needs to.

Take care.

Even when we know our partner has done the dealbreaker thing in a relationship, knowing you have to end things is so traumatic. Hope you're ok OP, just stay strong and I hope you have lots of RH support/back-up