Partner has constant money issues. How long should/can I tolerate this for? Would you kick him out now or give him another chance?

[NebNeb]

I have known dp for a fair few years and he has lived with me and my dc for around 2 years.

He is the most fun loving, happy person and we get on brilliantly. He loves the dc and they love him. I work full time at the moment. He isn't working because he sold his last business (not for a large sum but a reasonable amount) and he has a long term health issue which has flared up at the moment. The plan was that he would start looking for work at the beginning of this year.

Dp has an ex-w and dc who live elsewhere. Ex-w was supposed to give dp a settlement (as when they divorced, she kept the house and all the money in the bank account which had resulted from the sale of one of his businesses) but is yet to pay it over (it relates to money in the bank account). I do not know the full story to this. I know she was supposed to pay it as I have seen the documents but that's it. Let's call it £10k.

Dp and I do not have joint accounts. But he has a credit card linked to my account that is supposed to be for household spending.

Dp likes a flutter every now and then as do I. But I have v strict limits on what can be spent on things like this. E.g. I might transfer say £50 into an online betting account once a month but as far as I'm concerned, when it is gone it is gone. I thought dp was sticking to this. At Xmas time, I saw he was gambling online but not through our account. I looked over his shoulder while he was logging in and found out he had another account with the same provider which he had when he was married to ex-w and he had carried on using it. I was appalled. Not only was he spending her money (she must have noticed!) but also he was spending a lot. He wasn't happy I had caught him but said he felt she owed him that money because she hadn't paid the settlement over to him. SO I told him not to be so stupid and to seek it through the correct channels.

Then I noticed that he was spending a lot of money on my card going out. He said he was bored so he would go to the pub during the day and when I looked, he was spending a fortune, like on average £30 a day which is not sustainable long term. I took the card away and said I would have to give him cash every week because I couldn't trust him with it. THe issue being that he does shop for groceries, fill the car up for petrol in addition to the going out.

On Sunday, I notice he is using the old gambling account again. I tell him this time he is out and must leave. He pleads, cries, wails, says he will transfer the money and close it. I say fine, do that. He promises he has.

On Monday I look, and it's still there and he's transferred more money from her account into the gambling account. He does not know I have access to see it but I remember the log in.

Today he was meant to see the lawyer to sort out the money. He phones to say he has cancelled the appointment because I didn't leave him the card and he will be embarrassed if he has to pay. And he can't go the dentist and he has an abcess (he does) because I didn't leave him money. I can see he is hugely trying to guilt trip me.

I am so so so sad about this. I love him, he loves me. We have so much fun, the kids love him and vice versa....but I can't see any option but to ask him to leave now. I do not think I will EVER be able to trust him with money and I am starting to get concerned that his ex-w is going to come after me for this money he is taking out of her account to gamble with. This is the only issue we have. HIs friends like me, my friends like me, our families like each other - it's the first time I've been truly happy with a bloke and I think the feeling is mutual. Fgs!

I cut the money a while ago - I have taken back the card and cancelled it. But he does look after the kids while I'm at work (they are both at school) but for example, he takes ds to football club, fills the car up with petrol. So I can't leave him with nothing at all, bascially because he is with the dcs if that makes sense....so I do have to leave a bit of money in the house for that.

of course, I think the minute I did that, the more he started to take out of the ex's account. I saw that he took one of his dcs to get school uniform and asked her for the card and then I was shoving something in the wash and realised her card was still in his pocket 2 days later. So god knows what he did while he had that...

hi billy, yes she hasn't paid it. She is going to sell an asset to pay for it and she hasn't sold it yet (I don't want to give too much away because I'm pretty identifiable from the story even though I've namechanged!).

It is a lot more than £10k - I don't want to put the amount on here but it's a significant sum. More than £100k but less than £150k. And I have seen the legal documents that pertain to it.

I suspect dp is not going to even look for a job until all that is done and settled because he'll think he can live off that money for kingdom come. Except he won't because it won't last the way he'll spend it!

This is as real shame OP as it sounds like apart from his gambling issues (and he IS a gambler) accompanied with spendthrift ways, its going to kill your relationship. It perhaps isn't fashionable to say money is a big part of a relationship but it truly, truly is. Especially when 1 person is indulging himself moneywise, at the expense of his partner. He is making both you and his ExW enablers, in terms of how when & why he wants to spend money.

You have yourself and your DC to think of. Im not saying end the relationship, give him another chance if you want to - but if it were me, he wouldnt be living with me whilst he sorted himself out. & I would 'ease out' of joint finances with him. You need an exit/back up plan or this man will leave you and DC financially bereft. You can't allow that to happen. But, I don't think you will. The time will come when his appalling ways with money will force you out of the relationship. Sorry

How is he accessing this money? Is there something you can make him cancel?

Thing is, it's all pointless unless he sorts out whatever it is driving him to behave this way. He doesn't seem interested in tackling it just now.

So first of all you say it's 10K, that's now jumped to between 100 and 150, yes? Sounds weird to say the least.

He is spending money from his ex's account and she's apparently not noticed but has yet to transfer this `over 100 K to him, why's that then, why are you not asking for when this will happen when he is sponging off you and gambling with her money?

Stop helping him, get him off any cards you may have, he clearly has bad debt and is black listed, you will too if cards are in joint names.

He looks after your kids cos he is living in your home doing feck all every day.

There seems to be money flying about in all directions, apart from your own purse.

The amount of payment the ex is to make to him aside, the fact that she is having to make a payment to him speaks volumes. Yes, it might be due to her keeping the house. It might also be due to her owning, buying and paying for the house and him claiming a share off her for the time of the relationship, due to his not pulling his financial weight during it.

What did these mysterious "businesses" consist of? Have you tried googling their names to see what comes up?

sorry jan I'm at work and typed quickly - I meant £100k not £10k when I typed the OP

I have separate accounts so he can't access what i have, other than the joint credit card which he has to pay for household stuff which I found he was taking the piss with. Then some cash which again was supposed to be for the household plus a reasonable amount for having a coffee with a mate or treating the kids to an ice cream say etc. But tbh, I feel he was taking the piss with that too.

What actually gets to me the most is not all of that because there is a line at which you argue what is unreasonable and what is reasonable. What gets to me is the fact that I caught him gambling online using his ex's money in December. He said he had stopped. I caught him again, told him to leave, he promised he would change and then less than 24 hours he's doing it again. Tbh, that is what does my head in totally.

yes I know the businesses because they are local to me. I don't know his ex-w but my understanding when I met dp was that him and her were pretty much 50/50 contributors to the business. I know when dp left, she struggled to run them on her own. However, it has become clear to me that ex-w must have been the organiser behind them. I cannot believe dp would have been capable of doing it himself now that I know him a lot better. I think it was her idea, she did all the leg work. She hates doing admin so I imagine he did a lot of that but I think she did the majority of everything else.

Bottom line is he's a liar and a thief. Nice.

Yeah OP, no wonder that does your head in, he's not in the slightest bit interested in doing anything about his online gambling, you already know that don't you?

Besides, a 2 year relationship, in fact any length of relationship should not be like this, you are constantly having to look over your shoulder at what he is up to, that's not actually a relationship.

No money has been transferred to him, not a jot, yet he carries on regardless spending the ex's money and yours and has the audacity to sit on his arse and not even look for work.

Where is the money he made from selling his last business, or was he in fact owing money?

Why does he even want to sit at home whilst you're out working full-time, why does he want to waste £30 a day sitting in a pub, never mind the gambling, he seems devoid of any conscience with regards to his actions, words are all cheap.

I think there's a good case here for asking him to leave, with the suggestion he returns once his life is sorted, when he has a job, has sorted out the financial situation with his exW, and is not going to be a drain on you. You said he was spending £30 a day in the pub, a before and after school childminder would cost you less than that. Ask around for childcare suggestions - plus if he did get a job, you'd need to pay for childcare anyway.

You might find your much better off with him out of your life and sorting your own childcare.

It's not the gambling, really, is it. It's the stealing and the lying.

Using your credit card that was for household expenses to go down the pub is stealing.
Using his ex's money to gamble is stealing.

He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. I used to know someone like this, he was totally "possession is 9 points of the law" - if someone left something in such a way that he could access it, including money, he treated it as his. I found it quite shocking when I realised I couldn't trust him with money. To me that is a massive betrayal of trust - to him it was a shrugging matter - "what did you expect?"

I am very sorry but I think you do have to kick him out.

I think the best possible outcome for this relationship is that he moves out, regularises his affairs wrt his ex, gets a job, understands that he can't blag off you, and maybe from that position it is conceivable that you could try again.
I doubt it though.

oh and OP, how many jobs has he actually applied for since January? Any interviews? Any CVs actually been sent off? Or is his plan that you will keep him until his exW pays out and then she can keep him, and then possibly do some other business, but not ever have a job...

x-posts with Mary!

Also - if I spent £30 in a pub every day, I would have health issues too.

I think the problem is he has no sense of responsibility for his actions or for his own life if I'm honest.

He was a spoilt only child who got what he wanted and his parents ran a family business so he's never had to work for a 3rd party as he moved from that to running business with ex-w or other people.

Their dcs are an utter nightmare as all are so dreadfully spoilt. They allowed eldest ds a day off school when call of duty the new game (rated 18) came out despite him only being 13. And for his birthday, he got the new xbox one, a laptop, an ipad mini and an iphone. It was just unbelievable. .

The problem is both ex-w and dp came from wealthy families and I don't think learned the value of working for money if that makes sense. I can't really comment too much on ex-w but they don't seem to be values they are instilling in their dcs either the way they behave and act (sadly).

Anyway, them be the details...the truth is I just have to kick him out now....

yes bones, that is exactly what he is like...I find it quite shocking too.

the best case is that he moves out and sorts his life out

I hope he does do that but I can't see how I would ever trust him again and I'm not sure he will.

Re the jobs, there is one good job he has been offered that starts in a few weeks time. He got it on the strength of the fact that he had run businesses with ex-w (i.e in the same industry). However, it requires him to actually run something every weekend for around 4 months. And I don't think he is capable of doing it because I think ex-w did all the managing work in their businesses. I don't think he thought he would be offered it. He got offered it and I can see he is totally shitting himself because he knows he won't be able to do it! It is supposed to start in a few weeks but he is already saying 'oh I think the terms aren't acceptable' etc etc. THey have suggested he sit down with them in 2 saturdays time which I think is too late. I told him to try and do it this friday but he won't. I suspect he will back out and this will be massively problematic for them as they will need to find someone else. I am actually tempted to wait to kick him out till after that meeting because I don't want him to use the excuse of me breaking up with him to not take that job. I'd rather see him wriggle out of it then just add it as another tick in the list of reasons to break up with him if that makes sense.

He is a compulsive gambler and con artist. Time to get rid.

How old is he? This confluence of events could be the making of him - you kicking him out, him getting a really challenging job

Of course that is not your problem. And if he bottles the job then it won't develop him at all.

Agree, let him fuck that up first then kick him out, as long as we are not talking him carrying on hanging around your place too long.

But if by some miracle he makes a go of it, you should still kick him out because he is still a lying thieving git

OP, this just gets worse, so you're also saddled with a man who give his kids whatever they want even when he can't afford to, apart from the money, he's basically raising his kids to be just like him, self entitled, lazy and self centred.

Seriously OP, there's so many red flags I'm blinded now.

nearly 50 fgs!

OP - if he doesn't take the job after you've ended your relationship, it won't matter, because you won't be his DP anymore and if he doesn't work, it's not your problem.

If you wait until after the meeting, if he doesn't take the job, you'll be dumping him when he has 'nothing' - right now, you're dumping him when he has a job offer which he's told you he intends to take, if he doesn't, that'll be his choice, but right now, he has a job.

Do it sooner rather than later.

Also, if hte meeting is in a couple of weeks, that'll be right in the Easter holidays and you'll be looking for last minute childcare, sort it now on the assumption he's not going to be part of your life.

How can you possibly have any respect for this creature?

it's ok I've been kicked enough :)

tbh, he has got progressively worse. It wasn't as bad as this at the beginning but then he had some funds then and I think it's become clearer that as the money runs out, what his 'real' behaviour is.

don't forget, I went out with him for a while when we weren't living together and it's hard to see this sort of behaviour unless you are living with someone and having to trust them with money

Honestly, you dont want to be around when she discovers he has stolen from her account, this is a criminal offence. He could go to prison.

You need to extricate yourself for him.