Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He keeps opening the wound.

75 replies

gildedcage · 01/04/2014 09:32

I've been on here for about 8 months. Basically I found a fair amount of porn on the Google history. I wasn't snooping and didn't go looking for it...but there it was. I reacted badly really, in that I put my shoes on and walked out. I asked him about things when I got back but he lied to me...denied, minimised and deleted. After some frank discussion we agreed that we would mive on. He was however under no illusion in respect of my feelings re porn and pictures of other women.

I wont lie but my trust was destroyed. ..I have known him for 18 years and married for over 10. The secrets and lies hurt me more than anything. However I agreed to move on and I wanted to let go of it. Things improved and I started to feel more normal.

Then a couple of weeks ago I found him crying in the bedroom. He is destroyed by feelings of guilt. He has told me all sorts of things I.e. that he habitually masturbated, who he thought of while he was doing this, that he text another woman before we got married saying that he would basically would be with her if he wasn't getting married, that he holds hands with his female colleagues on nights out. Basically he has laid everything bare. Other than the text I am not bothered by any if that. The text bothers me and if I had known about ut then I wouldn't have married him. But I didn't and now we have a whole family life together.

Every time I start to feel better he reopens everything. I didn't eat lasr night because I spent it soft soaping him!! He feels like some sort of victim and I'm not sure how that happened. I woke up this morning feeling sick, I don't want to do this anymore. I have a professional job and I need to get my head out of my arse.

Do I suggest a little bit of time away, not a seperation just a little break? should I suggest a holiday? What can I do to make this better. I don't want a divorce but I can't keep doing this. Sad

OP posts:
mansize · 01/04/2014 09:37

You were the one who got hurt and yet you are the one who has to make HIM feel better?

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 09:41

I know I kept thinking this last night. I restored my factory settings and went straight to fix it mode. But I haven't done anything and he's the one crying. I can't help but feel there is more to it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 09:43

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he still meeting here?.

I think you are right when you yourself state you need to get your head out of your backside.

If there is no trust there is really no relationship?. Tears can be manipulative and he is playing you like a violin.

Why do you not want a divorce even after all that has happened here?.
Would you want this awful template of a relationship to become your children's own "normal" when they have their own relationships as adults?. They will really not thank you at all for staying with such a man.

anklebitersmum · 01/04/2014 09:44

What can I do to make this better.

Start asking what he's doing to make it better. He bought the porn into your house, he cheated and he is playing the victim.

Take a step backwards and look at the situation from the other side. If you had bought a stripper into the house and sat masturbating or cheated before the wedding would you be expecting him to feel sorry for you? For him to make amends because you were the victim? Really??

Take some time out.

rainbowsmiles · 01/04/2014 09:47

Not sure he's reopening a wound. Sounds like fresh wounds. Fresh for you at least. Not sure why he's crying like a baby...he's known who he was/is and how disrespectful he has been toward you for years. It's an active choice he makes, to hold hands with colleagues wtf?

I think you deserve better than this. No Trust. No respect. What is left. He's unlikely to change.

Do you think he is trying to tell you he would like to be with someone else and that is why he is getting so upset.

MrsThor · 01/04/2014 09:49

Could it be sex addiction? Not using that as an excuse I am just wondering what is really going on with him

I hope you get some resolution

MissScatterbrain · 01/04/2014 09:55

I wonder if the real reason he's crying is because he has done far worse than the "crimes" he's confessed to.

The link between between porn and infidelity is well documented.

I would do some digging - check mobile bills, statements, emails, facebook etc.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 09:57

I asked him what he wanted. I love him and want him to be happy but if he wants someone else I wouldn't stand in his way I wouldn't try to keep a hold on him. I asked him to put the shoe on the other foot.

I have lots of male attention but I've never held hands with any of them. I left an event because a man stroked my thigh.

You're all right these are new wounds for me and I'm shaking just thinking about it.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 01/04/2014 10:00

My ExH used to do this all the time. Act like an idiot, upset me and then act all destroyed by guilt and cry so I always ended up comforting him! GrrrrAngry

He's either just a twunt or he's a stupid twunt and there's more to it.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 10:33

I've told him I'm done. I can't take the drama.

OP posts:
MrsThor · 01/04/2014 10:34

How are you?

NMFP · 01/04/2014 10:35

Ask him what he wants to achieve when he goes into confessional mode. What is he hoping will happen?

I don't suggest you ask him directly but listen out for clues - is he hoping for forgiveness from you - so that he can congratulate himself on being honest, stop feeling guilty and then carry on? Or is he genuinely looking to you for help in changing things?

If you think he's hoping for forgiveness and understanding simply by confessing you have to be prepared for him giving himself permission to behave badly in the future. He'll have moved the goalposts on what is acceptable and he might even blame you for 'letting him'.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 10:35

You're ok with him holding hands with other women that he sees every day on nights out... but you're upset that he was texting someone else ten years ago?

Do you even love him? If you do then you BOTH need to want to make it work (is he telling you this stuff to move closer/forward or to push you away?) but if you don't even want him, then tell him to bugger off. It's never too late. Some space (for you) sounds like a good idea.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 10:36

Sorry - just saw the quick post above RE drama - good for you OP x

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 10:42

I'm not happy about the hand holding or the text...However neither in isolation feel enough to destroy our family over. I thought we had an amazing relationship, clearly I'm an idiot.

I think he hasn't considered boundaries and he thought nothing of holding hands etc as these he didn't consider what he was doing was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 10:44

Sorry posted too soon. I adore him. That isn't enough though is it.

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 10:48

You're not an idiot.
He's a pig.

So sorry you've had this shock Sad

Thanks
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 10:53

He has destroyed this marriage by his actions within the confines of it.

He will keep pulling your heartstrings so long as you remain on the end of it.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 11:02

He has destroyed my trust and respect for him. He knows this. I have spoken with him now and told him how I feel. I have also made clear he isn't the victim in this. If he wanted a reaction now he's got it. My sympathy ran out and the drama is giving me palpitations...I have a stressful job I don't need this shitAngry

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/04/2014 11:17

You're not an idiot, you're being manipulated. I'm never very sure of the motives of someone who insists on laying everything bare personally. Are they doing it out of genuine remorse.... 'truth and reconciliation'? Are they telling you in order to force you into kicking them out, thus saving them the bother? Are they owning up to some relatively trivial stuff as a smokescreen for more serious stuff that they're keeping hidden? Are they doing it to make you feel worried/stressed/desperate to keep things together? Are they showing off ('see what temptations I've had and what I've passed up for you')?

Yours appears to be using this 'truth-telling' as an extension of the sob-story, 'pity me' school of manipulation. You said at the outset 'I don't want a divorce' and I think he knows that and is using it to his advantage.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 01/04/2014 11:21

Glad you're getting angry instead of trying to make him feel better.

I'd be concerned that he's suddenly 'coming clean' about all sorts of 'minor' misdemeanours now, several years after the event.

Has he had any recent contact with the woman he sent the text to? Why bring it up now? His tears and guilt point to something more significant and more recent to me. Be prepared for more admissions/discoveries. Sorry Thanks

Get your thoughts together, take as much time and space as you need to get your head straight. FWIW I'd be livid about the hand-holding tbh, little acts of intimacy in public with another woman - totally disrespectful to you and your marriage, even if it stopped there.

I'm concerned that he is covering himself because someone on one of these works nights out knows there is more to it and he's priming you with just enough information to be able to bluff it.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 11:27

Yes, perhaps I was too premature in declaring I could forgive and move on. I feel like I'm being played and I don't like it.

By nature I'm straight forward and open. All this talking things up does not come naturally to me. Frankly I have had enough. My heads pounding and I'm getting shit from work.

Anyway I'm now nolonger desperate to keep things together. If he wants to stay married then he needs to start sorting stuff out. I've told him this morning that I need time apart and I'm done with his drama. He is obviously desperate for me to not leave him...not good enough.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/04/2014 11:29

He an embarrassment, married to you but going about like jack the lad, holding hands with colleagues etc, do you really think he has any respect for you and your marriage?

Now he's crying about it, probably because there's a lot more than what he has told you, he's probably been cheating online, emotionally/physically or both.

Seriously get him out your face, at least until YOU decide if you want to try with him, he sounds like a complete tool and a drain.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 11:31

Yes Linda I'm very angry now. Frankly I didn't know he was so selfish. Did I ever know him.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 01/04/2014 11:31

You are being played.. Sorry Thanks

I can't believe he told you all that then expects to be treated like the victim. What planet is he living on eh? Grin Hmm

But you sound strong and like you just want to move on with things and keep your head above the water with your job etc. Sounds like you're doing all the right things op Brew Wine