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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He keeps opening the wound.

75 replies

gildedcage · 01/04/2014 09:32

I've been on here for about 8 months. Basically I found a fair amount of porn on the Google history. I wasn't snooping and didn't go looking for it...but there it was. I reacted badly really, in that I put my shoes on and walked out. I asked him about things when I got back but he lied to me...denied, minimised and deleted. After some frank discussion we agreed that we would mive on. He was however under no illusion in respect of my feelings re porn and pictures of other women.

I wont lie but my trust was destroyed. ..I have known him for 18 years and married for over 10. The secrets and lies hurt me more than anything. However I agreed to move on and I wanted to let go of it. Things improved and I started to feel more normal.

Then a couple of weeks ago I found him crying in the bedroom. He is destroyed by feelings of guilt. He has told me all sorts of things I.e. that he habitually masturbated, who he thought of while he was doing this, that he text another woman before we got married saying that he would basically would be with her if he wasn't getting married, that he holds hands with his female colleagues on nights out. Basically he has laid everything bare. Other than the text I am not bothered by any if that. The text bothers me and if I had known about ut then I wouldn't have married him. But I didn't and now we have a whole family life together.

Every time I start to feel better he reopens everything. I didn't eat lasr night because I spent it soft soaping him!! He feels like some sort of victim and I'm not sure how that happened. I woke up this morning feeling sick, I don't want to do this anymore. I have a professional job and I need to get my head out of my arse.

Do I suggest a little bit of time away, not a seperation just a little break? should I suggest a holiday? What can I do to make this better. I don't want a divorce but I can't keep doing this. Sad

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 01/04/2014 11:32

^ also, the guilt actually hints that's not the whole story, but then I think you know that!

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 11:33

Thanks Jan, I think its very clear to everyone that he didn't have respect for me or our marriage. Obviously I feel amazing about that.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 01/04/2014 11:43

It's a reflection on him that he didn't respect your marriage. Not you.

You're amazing! Thanks

He's the sleaze-bag that can't respect women.

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 11:48

You can't be responsible for someone else's actions, he's the one who is acting like an idiot, not you.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 16:04

I've come home from work now, but the adrenalin has started to wear off...I'm shattered, what do I do? I feel sad that I meant so little to him, and can't believe that after all this time I am even considering ending things with him. What do I do and say? I've told him that I'm done and can't take the drama, but he seems frantic that we will get over this.

Even though I don't want this to be the end...I don't want to prejudice my future position by making a rash decision...which is mad as this has been going on for 8 months. Do I just tell him to go to his folks for a bit, or do you think we'd be able to stay under the same roof??? I suppose I'm asking for practical advice.

Sorry now I'm coming across like a wreck...and believe me I'm not like this usually...but I don't know what I'm suppose to do now.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 01/04/2014 16:08

Staying under the same roof will not work.

His parents sounds much better. Some space to really think about what he's done to your relationship without him pressuring you to move on will really help.

Sorry you feel so rubbish today Brew

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 16:10

It's not up to him to decide you'll get over it. He sounds very arrogant. Has it even occurred to him you might not want to 'get over/through it'?

Definitely thinking him giving you some space would be a good idea Thanks

isshoes · 01/04/2014 16:16

Does he have OCD OP?

MissScatterbrain · 01/04/2014 16:21

I think your only chance of saving the marriage is to make him feel the consequences.

This means telling him to go away for a while to give you time and space to process your thoughts. His actions will tell you if he is truly remorseful - its down to him to begin the work of repairing the damage he has wrecked.

Remember that people are more likely to value something they have lost and had to fight hard to win back.

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 16:27

What he has done is extremely hurtful, it's normal you are feeling like this but don't let your emotions cloud your judgement too much, he has no respect for the marriage, that's pretty plain to see.

Why do you even want him under the same roof, honestly, if you allow him to stay and things to just carry on whilst ignoring the huge elephant in the room, you are setting yourself up for more hurt, don't do it to you, you're the important person here.

Let him to go his parents, you can still meet up and talk with him, there doesn't have to be no communication.

You will be surprised at how relieved and able to cope you are, once he has gone.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 16:42

I know I will be able to cope...I do literally everything as it is!! I suppose that its unanimous though that he shouldn't stay here.

Incidentally however I do think he has OCD...

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/04/2014 16:49

You have to stop being his carer especially when he is the one dishing out the hurt, seriously.

Yeah he no doubt has some mental health issues, let him go and sort himself out, see him if you want but don't go back living with him unless things change, and dramatically. What are you losing really, someone who goes around holding hands with his colleagues at work? Someone who cries to get the sympathy vote?

Someone who clearly doesn't give a fig about what you are going through. Let him stay if you want, personally I'd feel like I was letting myself down, I wouldn't even be giving him much thought.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:38

Don't understand what OCD would have to do with this? Hmm

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 18:12

Neither do I to be honest, but someone did ask?!

OP posts:
isshoes · 01/04/2014 21:56

Because sometimes OCD can take the form of compulsive confessions. This may explain why he keeps confessing more and more things, and was my immediate thought when you said you found him crying with guilt. Things that perhaps other people might not confess to. And if this is the case, it may not mean that there are other, bigger, worse things he has done, as has been suggested by some posters. The guilt with this type of OCD is often completely disproportionate to the actual wrongdoings.

Original poster
gildedcage · 01/04/2014 22:01

Strangely isshoes that does make sense, in that some of the stuff he has "confessed" to is seriously minor to a point where you wouldn't really have noticed it.

He however knows that I don't want to fix this. Rings are off and as far as I'm concerned I'm done. If he still wants me he has to show me but I'm at a loss as to how he/we can do that. Sad

OP posts:
isshoes · 01/04/2014 22:05

It could also explain why he is coming across as selfish - and that you are the one doing the comforting. He might think he is doing the right thing by confessing, and the compulsion to do so would be far more important than considering how the confession makes you feel. He might know it will hurt you and that he risks losing you, but the guilt is too overwhelming to prevent him from confessing, even if it does more harm than good. He may also be upset because once you confess something, you have temporary relief, and then remember something else and start obsessing about that. Could be the most ridiculous, minor thing. It is a vicious cycle.

Could be completely wrong in this case of course, and none of what I say is any indication of what I think of what he has actually done. It's just not not necessarily things that people would usually 'confess' to.

isshoes · 01/04/2014 22:07

I'm sorry OP it must be a horrid situation.

I think your OH needs to seek medical attention if he hasn't already had a formal diagnosis.

onionlove · 01/04/2014 22:18

Hi OP so sorry for your situation i am in a similar one and its hard to process everything so give yourself some time, my DH has been using porn excessively and texting prostitutes he found online, lord knows what else he's been up to i forgave him once but don't feel that i can again, the ball is in his court to sort himself out and change or that's it, unfortunately he has nowhere to go so is still here which is draining ill watch your thread with interest as i feel same as you, if it wasn't for dcs his bags would have been packed!

Original poster
gildedcage · 02/04/2014 07:17

I feel physically sick. I'm totally devastated. If I forgive this I'm basically giving him permission to do it again. Which would have to be the end.

So why do I feel like I'm the one torturing him. He's like a broken man and I still love him. Yet these are his own actions. Can you believe someone like this when he promises never to hurt me again?? I just don't know what I want anymore.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 02/04/2014 07:24

Why do you have to fix this?

He is the one who should be fixing it.

Original poster
gildedcage · 02/04/2014 07:30

I don't know. I think if I could scream and cry I would probably feel less like the torturer. ..but my default setting is silence. I feel like I'm just observing him being upset. Then when he's gone I feel awful.

We have 3dcs I feel awful about separating the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
gildedcage · 02/04/2014 07:31

But what can he do to fix how I feel? ?

OP posts:
MrsThor · 02/04/2014 08:52

It's a Roller coaster ride..one minute you will feel strong and want nothing to do with him...the next you will feel exhausted and wonder how you will carry on....it's natural. Give yourself some time to adjust...it's the Easter hols soon...can you possibly get away for a couple of days with the kids...give yourself some breathing space

MrsThor · 02/04/2014 08:53

He can't promise he won't do it again until he truly understands why he did it

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