Seriously considered ending it all :(

[mollythemoocher]

I've NC for this out of embarrassment and posted here as I think it's a lot to do with relationships between me, DH & DC's.

I had a truly shit Mother's Day, spent most of the day & night in tears and contemplating suicide. I lost my own DM in October 2012 so it wasn't going to be flags & banners and I knew that. Last yr was crap for me too but not as bad as this yr.

I'm married with 4 DC's aged 26 - 13 yrs and 2 GC the two eldest live with their dp's & DC's. It was one of our gc's birthday parties Sunday (birthday actually on Monday) one of our DC was attending with her LO and I assumed DH & I would go with our other DC's later if they wanted to come with us. Apparently we weren't invited as it was just for the little ones and dd is going to throw a bit of a tea party on Monday just for a few family members. I said ok and assumed I'd see my eldest 2 later after the party.

Dc3 had been staying at dp's over the weekend (just around the corner) and I thought she would be home sometime Sunday with maybe a card? She finally texted me at 3.30pm with her usual text talk, "howdy dawwwg happy mdy x" she then texted DH to ask if he'd pick her up to come home at 11.50pm which he promptly did, no card, no nothing :(

My eldest did wish me happy Mother's Day when I phoned her about the party though. Dc2 texted me at 11.30am to say happy Mother's Day and she would see me Monday because she was going to the party. Both of them live 10 minutes drive from me, both have cars and the party location was 5 minutes drive from both of them which meant from there they where about 5 minutes drive from me.

DH bought me a card off him which he'd wrote in it "love always xxxxx" he'd also bought me a card off DC1 & 2 incase they hadn't got me one, dc2 was out and dc1 couldn't even be bothered to write in it so DH wrote their names instead. DH went to see his mum at 1.30pm and returned around 4ish with a box of chocolates he said was off DC's, he'd obviously picked them up at supermarket on way to his mums when he went to get her something.

Everyone knows how hard I took my mums death, it was very sudden and without warning. I had to have counselling after and spent many months on AD's, I lost my job and didn't cope very well at all. I absolutely adored my mum & can't imagine not making an effort to see her, especially on a special day!

I just got more down and depressed as the day went on, I could barely stop the tears and started to think if anyone would actually give a shit if I wasn't here. I've spent the last 26 yrs doing everything for my DC's, I've loved and supported then through some really crappy times, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, they are my life and truly the reason I breathe. I felt like such a shit mum, why would your DC's treat you this way? What had I done or what had I not done? I always thought I'd raised them to be respectful and considerate of everyone, so where had I gone wrong?

I was getting so upset I needed to get out of the house so I got in the car and drove. I had no idea where I was going, i don't remember thinking anything at the time tbh I just felt I needed to clear my head. When I finally stopped the car I was in some secluded spot somewhere near the pennine moors, I hadn't got a clue where I was properly but right then I didn't care. I sat there for 3 hours without seeing a soul, it was so peaceful. I realised I'd left home without my phone, purse or anything other than my car keys. I just sat and cried and thought about ways to end my life and cried some more.

My mind kept turning to my GC and how much I worshipped the ground they walked on and my dd1's partner. We had just decided to go into business with each other and the thought of leaving them in a financial shithole made me feel so selfish and heartless. I realised what a pillock I was being and headed off to find my way back home again. When I did finally get back everything was fine, no drama, DH was watching tv, dd4 in her room on laptop. It was like I'd never been anywhere. I checked my phone and DH had texted me while I was out with "you ok? x"

I've realised this is probably more about me and my own issues. I perhaps need to change the way I am and stop living for everyone else and live a bit more for me. It's really made me realise my worth to my family and tbh I don't really think I'm worth that much to them. That's what now saddens me and the fact that I have to change who I am and how I am. This has been me for as long as I can remember, I always have put everyone I love above me and my needs and have been willing to sacrifice anything for them. This has probably been a wake up call for me but I don't know how to change or where to start the process.

Sorry this is so long, if you've made it this far thank you for reading

Just a quick reply so you know at least one person is reading this. Darling, I think you should ring the Samaritans and have a chat. X

Hi

I really think you need to speak to someone. Grab a cuppa and call Samaritans. Make sure you call gp in morning, be pushy and get an emergency apt.

Big hugs x

Morning... I didn't want to leave this unanswered... You sound so sad and I'm sorry to hear about your mum, I can only imagine how hard Mother's Day is. From what you've written it sounds like your DC take you for granted, have you told them how you feel? At 26, they're old enough to hear that you expected a card and a call.

But I think you've also identified that you need to live for yourself and not just your kids and GC. Have you spoken to your DH about it? He sounds thoughtful and caring.

You have plenty of people in your life who love and cherish you. They just haven't realised they're not doing a good job of showing it.

I haven't got anything to say to properly help (I'm rubbish at knowing the right thing to say), but just wanted to offer an early morning hand to hold whilst you're so down and waiting for the very wise ladies on here to come and look after you properly.

The moors are a lovely peaceful place to go and contemplate - I know I used to do that often (when I was within driving distance). So calm and peaceful

Thank you all so very much for your replies. I'm a bit teary now that you've actually taken the time to read and reply. Sorry, still feeling a little emotional.

I'm ok now, really. I think I just let everything get on top of me and wasn't handling it very well. I haven't been that low for a long time. I have attempted suicide in my late teens but that's a totally different issue. Since having my DC they're what I've lived and breathed for so it's a bit hard to take that they don't appear to appreciate me.

It's strange because I'm not one for wanting thanks or gratitude for anything. I've loved them unconditionally, even through some extremely trying times when friends told me to let go and let them find their own way through.

DH can be supportive, he was fabulous when my mum first died but he thinks grief has a timescale iykwim. He doesn't really do well with talking, he never knows what to say so chooses to say nothing, he has an ignorance is bliss kind of attitude. He has often said I put too much of myself into the DC's and I won't know what to do with myself when they all fly the nest. I guess I just couldn't see what he meant, I am an only child and even when I left home I still made time for my mum and spoke to her almost everyday.

Sending you support and hugs. In desperate rush this morning but will write from the train... I hope it won't feel quite so bad today for you now mothers day is over.

Steve, it was very peaceful there but eerily quiet. I don't know if I'd find my way there again or whether I've ever been there before. My mum used to be a van driver for a medical company though and she used to take me with her during school holidays, so maybe we'd drove there in the past and I was drawn to it. It was a strange that I ended up there, usually if I need time out for a little while I just drive to my local supermarket and park up for 15 minutes or so, I'm not usually this dramatic

Hi Molly. Sending you smiles for a better day love.
I too had a horrible day and really get where you're coming from. I could've written a lot of your post myself.
I'm thinking of you.

RudyMentary (love the name btw lol) - no I don't really, everything I've ever done has been for or about my DC's. I've lived my life (if I can say that) around and for them. I guess I've just spent so much time and effort being mum I don't know who I am!

Yes, I definitely think DH & I grieve differently. We lost his GM shortly after my DM and that knocked me sideways too, so it was a bit of a double whammy on Mother's Day. DH doesn't like to talk about it much so I respect his wishes and wait for his lead. He's never really been overly close with his mum but he was with his GM. I never really pushed the issue before but admittedly I do now and try to get him to make more of an effort with his DM.

No, my DC's have sadly always been a bit detached from me, I think my over possessiveness with them fuelled that. Something very unpleasant happened to me when I was younger which made me a bit OTT with regards to protecting my DC's and fearing for their safety and well being. It was hard for me to let them out alone etc. my 2 eldest DC's understand and 'get me' more now they have their own DC's but I think they felt me overbearing when they were younger.

Thank you RMD, I'm so sorry to hear you had a rough day too. I hope today is better for you. Sending you & & maybe it's a little to early for but you could save it for later if you fancy it x

Can I ask if, on a normal day to day basis, your dc's say I love you? Or treat you to something nice they've seen in a shop?

I find Mother's Day inconvienient and commercial and I place very little emphasis on it compared to many people (I'm the same with Valentines, Easter, fathers days too). However, before writing me off as heartless and thoughtless, I'd like to think I treat my mum during the year at times that suit me and her (we recently went the HP studio and she didn't pay for a thing).

I suppose I'm trying to say that with the DGDs' birthday, it was more important than Mother's Day in you dc's eyes. There was probably a bit of stress in the morning (especially if throwing a party for more than 4 little ones) and M day was just forgotten.

You sound like a lovely person with a big heart. Driving miles and not being missed is something you need to discuss with DH. Tell him how you feel - he's sounds lovely but he's not inside your head, and certainly not a mind reader. Perhaps plant a seed that he should be the one to nudge the dc's to make more of an effort and to recognise that you were upset on Mother's Day.

A heartfelt hug from me Molly, you sound so lovely and selfless. Start being a bit selfish and tell them how you feel - they should see how they've upset you.

@ FadBook, no they don't, that's quite sad and hurts to admit :(

I'm a bit like you though, I constantly tell DH not to make a fuss and buy expensive flowers for valentines, a cheap bunch from the local market now and then is enough for me and I'm happy to buy my own. I don't like a big fuss on my birthday either but I think that's because I'm getting old lol my 2 eldest (26 & 22) always treat me at Christmas no matter how much I tell them to save their money but my other 2 (19 & 13) have never bought me anything, not so much as a card. None of them say "I love you" which I find bizarre as I say it all the time. I never rand off the phone or left my mum without telling her I loved her or hug & kiss.

My side of the family have all been, huggy, kissy, love you types but DH's aren't. I think his GM & DM were quite taken aback when I first hugged them & kissed their cheeks when leaving after a visit. They got used to it I guess because that's what I'm like but DH has never been like that with DC either, we're very different in that respect. I still constantly tell DC's I love them often. I do try to hug & kiss them too, the older ones are ok with it but the younger ones pull away and don't like it. I'm probably just one of those mums that's too much and they perhaps resent it?

You're right though, dd would absolutely know that I would think GC party was more important. I think I just got a bit over emotional as I was hoping the party would help take my mind off things a little and I was upset at not being able to go. DD1 is very organised and regimental and she doesn't always realise her way can be upsetting sometimes but I have to accept that it's her way.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't be invited to your grandchilds birthday party. I find that very odd. My MIL is at all of these events. it is just taken as being normal and expected.

At the party/get together today, you need to make it clear to them all how hurt you were but their failure to properly acknowledge you as their parent.

Be brave and stop putting up with such shitty behaviour. Imagine their reaction if you forgot their birthday, just sent a card or called them. or worse still - sent a garbled text message. How utterly disrespectful.

Not everyone believes in Mothers Day - but you do, and that should be all they are concerned with...

WDIT48 - I know and totally see you're right in what you say. I just hate causing a fuss and don't want to upset anyone. They can be quite forthright and stubborn at times and I don't want to fallout so I keep my mouth shut. Dd1 likes things just right iykwim, she has very strong ideas on what happens and when, the party yesterday was just for GC little friends and their mummy's/daddy's and today's party tea is for family. She did the same last year too but I think because it was so soon after losing my mum and it had recently been hers and my first birthday without her I had a lot going on in my head and accepted everything without question.

They would hate me I'm sure if I forgot or didn't bother, DD1 still goes on now about my mum having a holiday booked for the time baby was due, it had been booked in advance but she still expected her to cancel or rearrange.

I know I'm really soft with them and don't like to speak up incase of offending or upsetting them. I think I might I have actually got worse since losing my mum.

I have had a birthday party for dc1 that I didn't invite any relatives to - no offence meant, it was just a kind of nct get together, other mums and one year olds. I love both dm and mil.
I notice you tell you dh and your dcs not to fuss, not to spend money on you - my mum is like that and sometimes I wonder if she would be hurt if I actually did follow this! I think she probably would be. Not defending their lack of interest yesterday, but they may feel it will be ok with you.
I hope you can get some support today from someone outside of your family, would second the suggestion to give the Samaritans a ring. Your dh sounds lovely from what you have posted and so incidentally do you.

Iggi - you could have a point there. I think they do realise I'm genuinely not a materialistic kind of person, you would know that too if you could see me sat here now in my PJ's lol. I've always had a weird belief that spending money on me is a waste, does that make sense? I'm just not into stuff, especially expensive or god forbid designer! I'm very basic, my favourite items of clothing/footwear are pjs & slippers Preferably bought in the sales.

I love treating others though, seeing the smile on someone's face I just don't think you can beat it. Making others happy is what makes me happy.

Personally I'm more of a time person, if someone can make time for me, spend a bit of time with me I'm in my element. Maybe I'm starting to sound a bit needy?

You know sometimes you can love your children too much. What I mean by that is some mums are just so loving and bend over backwards to such a degree that they end up never having their feelings considered and to be blunt that can lead to their children becoming selfish little shits some of the time. It comes from a good place, it sounds like you have done everything for your family, but I would say 'enough!'

It is quite ok to sit your children down and say 'it was extremely hurtful to not receive a card or a phone all/visit at the weekend' and say how that made you feel. They are old enough to hear that they have been selfish and that in future they need to think more of your needs.

And please, please start putting yourself first. It is ok to do that. Have you ever seen the film Shirley Valentine? If not please watch it and give yourself a kick up the bum. You deserve to be happy too. It is great to be giving and generous and to do stuff for your children, but that can be balanced with expecting good behaviour in return and having your needs met too.

Happy Mothers Day to you for yesterday and I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

You don't sound needy, quite the opposite. You sound like someone who chronically puts everyone else first.

I'm going to blunt and say I have an aunt like this and I know her dcs find it a bit wearing. She's a bit of my martyr about it. Every nice thing say at a meal gets offered to the dcs, and she'll est toast if that's all that's left. Every birthday she insists she wants no presents, just for everyone to be happy and as a result I think her dcs have stopped trying with her. She's just allowed them too. I do look at her and think 'have some balls, expect something nice from your children, it's ok to do so.' She's just creating this position for herself where her needs don't matter. I'm not saying you're a martyr, but it becomes hard to respect and value someone who is.

Hi Molly

I used to think it was weird that my Mum always made a massive point of reminding me about M Day weeks in advance and made it very clear that a card and lunch together is non-negotiable. She's not overbearing at all but on this (and birthday) she's very clear. I never really got it till now and at the grand age of 33 I am grateful that she pointed me in the right direction when I was young and selfish. She and Dad split when I was 1 and he would never remind me. She was right to set ground rules about this one day (at least!) that she expects my attention to her rather than the other way round (as per the other 364 days a year...).

Sorry that's a long way of saying that if you don't tell them they won't know and might not think of it till they're my age or eveb never. Be clear about your needs. They are old enough to understand that you have some.

Good luck. And happy belated mothers day.

Hope you find your way through this difficult time. You sound sad and lonely, but strong... I bet your kids think the world of you really but are not in the habit of showing it.

OP you sound incredibly sad and I wonder if something like bereavement counselling for the loss of your mum would help you?

Your children do sound like they take you for granted but I bet that's because you're a mum who always puts everyone else first and they are just used to it. It might be time to let them know you have needs too? I bet they would feel awful if they knew how you felt.

Your DH sounds very thoughtful and lovely in a low key but considered way too.

I hope today is a better one for you. xx

I think Jesusisunepapillon has said exactly what I was thinking. Your DC are, on the face of it, very selfish people - but I wonder if you may have helped to make them like that by constantly putting yourself last?

I second the advice to let them know (either yourself, or via your lovely-sounding DH) just how unacceptable their behaviour was this weekend. I also very strongly urge you to start doing stuff that you enjoy, for you and only you. It won't hurt your DC if, once in a while, you can't be there to sort out the minutiae of their lives because you're too busy living your own. They are all old enough to start seeing you as a human being, rather than some sort of willing slave to do their bidding.

I really hope you're feeling better today. You very much deserve to be.

molly... I'm sorry you had a rubbish day yesterday. It's symbolic and you're obviously missing your own mum so much.

You sound like my mum a bit. She doesn't always mean what she says in terms of 'things' being bought for her. If I actually followed her instructions 'not to be naughty' and buy her things, she'd be sad and feel unappreciated. A bit like what Iggi posted. I wonder if it's the need my mum has for her children to love her so much that we ignore what she says about not buying things. I have three brothers who follow the instruction and it makes me sad because I always feel as if I have to make up for four children, just to make it 'ok'. I'm a bit like your husband in that respect... and actually, it makes me (quietly) annoyed with my mum for manoeuvring me into that position just because I love her. How does your husband feel, do you think?

It is wearing. I'm quietly resentful when she says these things because it's constantly a martyrish stance (as Jesu suggests) and it's exhausting having to work out what it is she really wants. I've tested it a few times, for very minor things - taking her at her word - and the result is astonished disappointment. So now I know... and it's exhausting, but she's my mum so I'll take it on the chin.

I think that you, your husband and your children would be MUCH happier and content if they actually knew what your expectations were. Stop saying that you don't want fuss (if you do), gifts (if you do) and saying that you want the minimum/lesser things (if you want more). Tell your daughter what attending the party would mean to you - if you can't tell your own family, then WHO can you tell? Please do that... it will feel alien to you for a little while and then you'll be in the swing of it. Your family obviously loves you but it's quite easy for some of them to be a bit lazy and undemonstrative... because that is what you say you want and therefore, in their mind, your expectation. They're doing what you want...

Thoughts of suicide, if they are fleeting, can be enough to pull you up short and it sounds as if this is what happened because it's your mind's way of working out whether people would care. I think that's quite typical and served its purpose for you. As you've posted that it was fleeting and you don't feel that way now, you're obviously in tune with yourself enough to know that you can get help - and should - if it's needed.

I hope you have a lovely day today, Molly, to offset yesterday. Perhaps go out to lunch with your husband and talk to him - about this - and make plans that include just you and him. You've obviously done a great job with your children to make them independent, they just need to temper that with a bit of consideration - and clearer signposts that will come from you. Best wishes, you sound very lovely.