Seriously considered ending it all :(

[mollythemoocher]

I've NC for this out of embarrassment and posted here as I think it's a lot to do with relationships between me, DH & DC's.

I had a truly shit Mother's Day, spent most of the day & night in tears and contemplating suicide. I lost my own DM in October 2012 so it wasn't going to be flags & banners and I knew that. Last yr was crap for me too but not as bad as this yr.

I'm married with 4 DC's aged 26 - 13 yrs and 2 GC the two eldest live with their dp's & DC's. It was one of our gc's birthday parties Sunday (birthday actually on Monday) one of our DC was attending with her LO and I assumed DH & I would go with our other DC's later if they wanted to come with us. Apparently we weren't invited as it was just for the little ones and dd is going to throw a bit of a tea party on Monday just for a few family members. I said ok and assumed I'd see my eldest 2 later after the party.

Dc3 had been staying at dp's over the weekend (just around the corner) and I thought she would be home sometime Sunday with maybe a card? She finally texted me at 3.30pm with her usual text talk, "howdy dawwwg happy mdy x" she then texted DH to ask if he'd pick her up to come home at 11.50pm which he promptly did, no card, no nothing :(

My eldest did wish me happy Mother's Day when I phoned her about the party though. Dc2 texted me at 11.30am to say happy Mother's Day and she would see me Monday because she was going to the party. Both of them live 10 minutes drive from me, both have cars and the party location was 5 minutes drive from both of them which meant from there they where about 5 minutes drive from me.

DH bought me a card off him which he'd wrote in it "love always xxxxx" he'd also bought me a card off DC1 & 2 incase they hadn't got me one, dc2 was out and dc1 couldn't even be bothered to write in it so DH wrote their names instead. DH went to see his mum at 1.30pm and returned around 4ish with a box of chocolates he said was off DC's, he'd obviously picked them up at supermarket on way to his mums when he went to get her something.

Everyone knows how hard I took my mums death, it was very sudden and without warning. I had to have counselling after and spent many months on AD's, I lost my job and didn't cope very well at all. I absolutely adored my mum & can't imagine not making an effort to see her, especially on a special day!

I just got more down and depressed as the day went on, I could barely stop the tears and started to think if anyone would actually give a shit if I wasn't here. I've spent the last 26 yrs doing everything for my DC's, I've loved and supported then through some really crappy times, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, they are my life and truly the reason I breathe. I felt like such a shit mum, why would your DC's treat you this way? What had I done or what had I not done? I always thought I'd raised them to be respectful and considerate of everyone, so where had I gone wrong?

I was getting so upset I needed to get out of the house so I got in the car and drove. I had no idea where I was going, i don't remember thinking anything at the time tbh I just felt I needed to clear my head. When I finally stopped the car I was in some secluded spot somewhere near the pennine moors, I hadn't got a clue where I was properly but right then I didn't care. I sat there for 3 hours without seeing a soul, it was so peaceful. I realised I'd left home without my phone, purse or anything other than my car keys. I just sat and cried and thought about ways to end my life and cried some more.

My mind kept turning to my GC and how much I worshipped the ground they walked on and my dd1's partner. We had just decided to go into business with each other and the thought of leaving them in a financial shithole made me feel so selfish and heartless. I realised what a pillock I was being and headed off to find my way back home again. When I did finally get back everything was fine, no drama, DH was watching tv, dd4 in her room on laptop. It was like I'd never been anywhere. I checked my phone and DH had texted me while I was out with "you ok? x"

I've realised this is probably more about me and my own issues. I perhaps need to change the way I am and stop living for everyone else and live a bit more for me. It's really made me realise my worth to my family and tbh I don't really think I'm worth that much to them. That's what now saddens me and the fact that I have to change who I am and how I am. This has been me for as long as I can remember, I always have put everyone I love above me and my needs and have been willing to sacrifice anything for them. This has probably been a wake up call for me but I don't know how to change or where to start the process.

Sorry this is so long, if you've made it this far thank you for reading

And please, please start putting yourself first

This Molly. You really need to consider sitting down with your bossy DD1 and point out that mothers days was 'forgotten' by her and the other 3 children. You can be sensitive how you address it but ultimately, she needs to know that being organised for her child's birthday, meant that you were not made to feel special given that you were not invited to the party.

I agree with many of the other posts and that you need to grow some back bone and stop accepting their behaviour as acceptable; or if I may say, you are making excuses for them not being affectionate. If you have brought them up to love and be kind, then they should be loving and kind to their own mum.

I'm not sure of your age, but I'm not much older than your eldest. I would be devastated if my mum said that she was upset on mothers day and drove miles and sat on her own for 3 hours.

Please talk to your DH and your eldest children - call a family meeting if need be, get it all out and tell them how you feel. What is the worse that can happen? They'll worry? They'll give you a cuddle? They'll reflect on their own behaviour? These are all good outcomes that can happen.

Much love my lovely, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.

I think if you have spent years telling everyone that you have no needs and don't really matter, there will come a point where they take you at your word. As others have said, it's not unreasonable to tell your DC and DH that you would like a card and a gift on your birthday/mother's day. It does sound as though they love you, but have got used to believing that you 'don't want a fuss'.

Sometimes I think the more we do for people, the more we can be taken for granted, it shouldn't be that way, but it is. Your children are SO lucky to have such a wonderful mother who loves them so much, my own mother doesn't give a toss about me, we haven't spoken for months, she doesn't talk to my sister or her grandchildren either and its so hurtful, I wish I had a mother like you!

If I were you I would tell your children how you feel, without too much emotion, just tell them that you feel sad about mother's day and the lack of affection, etc. If they knew how down you were I think they would be horrified.

You sound like a great person and a really wonderful mother. The world needs people like you in it, so please don't do anything rash.

Good luck x

How are you feeling tonight molly?

Also bear in mind that your eldest daughters are mothers too, and mothers at a stage where parenting is intensive. Not saying you are unimportant, but you're not the only mother in the group.

The others are right about asking for what you want; though bear in mind that the answers may be 'no' ie. "No, the children's party is our mums + toddlers group getting together, no one else is coming."

Hope your GP has been able to help

Good morning and thank you to everyone's replies

Each and every response gave me something to think about and very accurate in a lot of ways. And in response to the lovely young lady who wasn't sure of my age, I'm 48 :-)

The martyr issue was spot on - my GM would often get asked to go out for meal, day trips etc etc with friends/family & would constantly decline. I remember on a particular visit to see her she was upset and when asked she said that her friends had gone out for the day and not asked her along. Bizarrely she hadn't wanted to go, she'd just like to have been asked!

I didn't always have a great relationship with my DM, I was an only child & she was a young mum. I always came second to her social life. It was hurtful but I never spoke up to her for fear of more rejection. When I became a mother myself I felt I had more clout and spoke to her about it. She did the usual minimising, denial stuff and said she'd done her best blah blah but at least I'd gotten it off my chest. We became much closer and practically inseparable in my early 20's and the past was forgotten. She took every opportunity to tell me how much she loved me and was proud of me and how she wished she was more like me. Mum wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I always loved and respected her.

Having read all the replies a few times over and giving them much thought, I've realised I've only really become bothered by this since mum died and may be a knee jerk reaction to my loss. Even so, I decided to talk to my DC's about it yesterday. It was terribly alien to me and I felt very uncomfortable.

I explained to them that I'd always considered myself a giver and never bothered about being a receiver but evidently these thoughts have now shifted and I'd like a bit of time and acknowledgement from them on 'my' special days. I always give my time, efforts or whatever may be required to them, special days or not I'm always available to them but occasionally I would like a little bit of something back. DD2 was very apologetic and agreed she should have made more of any effort and said she knows I do so much for her. She'd actually wrote in my card 'thank you for everything you do for me I love you so much'.

DD3 is very different to the others, she thinks it's all commercialised crap and not into cards/flowers etc. she thinks it's all a money making scam for companies. She reminded me of times when she's told me a particular top suits me or that my hair looks nice today, I had to agree that there have been times she's said that (few that they may be). She doesn't like confrontation and I could see she was very uncomfortable too with the conversation. I'd said my piece so I let it lie.

DD4 came home with a bag she'd been making at school for me yesterday. Apparently she'd forgot to bring it home on Friday but not said anything about it. It was beautiful, not something you'd ever see in a store or on the catwalk lol but I loved it! Just a plain jute bag with the word MUM and a bulldog (my favourite breed) painted on it. I'll treasure it!

DD1 was hard work :-/ I couldn't really say anything to her yesterday at the tea party as other family members where there too and I didn't want to cause a stir on my GC birthday. I think she did know something wasn't right but she never said anything but she also didn't ask if I'd had a nice Mother's Day or what I'd got (something she has always normally asked for every occasion). I have the feeling DH texted her on the Sunday when I went off on my jaunt but nothing's actually been said. DH did stand up for & speak up for me yesterday when DD3 was doing her 'commercialised crap' speech and told her that we sometimes have to consider others and that he felt I deserved a card at least even if it was just a cheap one from the local market to show some appreciation for everything I do.

I don't know if anything hit home with them but at least I've voiced my thoughts with them now. I'm genuinely not bothered by gifts. I think you get to my age and tbh there's not really much I want/need. I've realised a card and visit is enough to make me happy or even a phone call if a visit isn't possible. Texts seem so impersonal to me on special days? I do send a text to loved ones on New Year's Eve at midnight but I always phone in the morning to wish them a happy new year properly, maybe I'm just weird lol.

It's true that my DC's have all been terribly spoilt and wanted for nothing throughout their lives and even now. I have made myself available for them any time day or night. They have taken this for granted, treated home like a cafe & hotel. Been chauffeured from place to place any time of day/night. DH & I agreed we've both been guilty of giving them too much (not in a financial sense) but by accepting their behaviour and ultimately their lack of respect. We've actually been that bad that we recalled one particular incident when DD2 had gone out with friends and within a couple of hours she'd texted to say her feet were hurting and could we bring her a different pair of shoes. DH drove to the other side of town with a selection of shoes for her to choose from. There are so many more incidents we recalled but I think I've probably shocked people enough with this revelation lol.

Yes, we have been stupid and we realise that now. In my own defence I think I've been the way I have as a result of a feeling of rejection during my childhood and become the polar opposite of my own mum. This now has to change and I need to learn how to give me some time. I have a felling the hardest part is now to come, how do you change the very person you are? This may be my ultimate challenge!

Thank you for updating your thread, Molly

I read the paragraph about your relationship with your mum in absolute astonishment because mine is exactly the same with my mum - exactly. I too have adjusted how I deal/respond and come to terms with it. We're quite close now. Maybe this is more typical than we think?

I've read quite a few threads on MN this week and 'Mother's Day' has been a flashpoint for many because it can bring lack of appreciation into very sharp - and painful - focus. I've come to the conclusion that the posters who say that it doesn't matter whether somebody thinks it's 'commercialised crap', they don't get to decide that for another person, are right. I think I would be reviewing how much 'commercialised' input I would continue giving to those of my poor, put-upon children who detest it so! See how they like those apples!

I have to say a word about your husband. How I smiled about the shoes... he sounds a very wonderful father (mine was lousy since I was very young and I don't see him now). He sounds so supportive of you and very caring and I hope your children appreciate what they have as their parents. There ought to be a 'card' emoticon but in that absence, for you both.

You haven't been stupid, you've been possibly a little bit too accepting and here's a thought for you... I'm one of four children, we were brought up the same, 50% of us, at any one time will hit my mother's 'appreciation-ometer' spot-on. So, she did her job, didn't she? By that same token, you've done yours.

Be a little more unavailable, Molly and quite a bit more selfish - and you'll make your children more thoughtful of you as a result. It's not ALL about them and they need to remember that.

Hey, well done on all that. Just one thing, I think you said dd3 has never given you a gift! not even birthdays or Christmas? Well shame on her she sounds a selfish minx. I hope you will be able to remember to respect her views come her next birthday and Christmas. It would be wrong of you to offend her values with piles of lovely gifts.

My mum is the same age as you and has 4 children. All of us had got my mum a card and a small gift, we do that because we know she would appreciate it and its a way to say we are thankful for her.

I think you do need to be less available too them so they will appreciate and respect you more.

Well done for telling them that you were upset and why, not easy but open communication rather than letting things fester is always the best way. My mum is like you and has always put us above everything but I do try very hard to show my appreciation. However, it is all to easy to say ah mum will sort it/lend me the money/basically be there at all costs because she always has been. They need to start recognising you as a person in your own right, but you will need to point it out to them, as you have just done. Keep it up! It'll be worth it! For what it's worth, I now parent the same way but my older children are becoming quite ungrateful so am trying not to everything for them but it's hard.....

Well done OP! I'm really glad you spoke to them, especially as it is obviously so out of character for you. It sounds like they are already taking it on board

Just got in to bed and quickly came on to check how you were.

Well done Molly, that's admirable that you told them. Really think it'll be reflected on by all of them, even dd1

Sorry for asking your age

Thank you for the update. Well done to you for voicing how you felt.

My Mum says, "I don't want anything" and has brought us all up to be givers - and we have no skills in receiving. That is the first of your difficulties I think. When children are looking for clues, we say "I don't need anything".... and eventually, that is taken at face value!

My mother has a 'little black book' and our names go in it if we don't phone often enough, haven't sent a card, forget to mark her special days. And this from the woman who says "I don't want anything".

The thing that strikes me most is that you are missing your own mother terribly. Have you had grief counselling? If not, go to your GP and say that you are not able to deal with the loss on your own. You are not asking for anti-depressants, but for a skilled person to help you process your loss.

I admire your strength in talking to the DCs and telling them how you really felt. They will, hopefully, reflect on your words.

Keep this thread going for as long as you need the wisdom of MN.

Take care.

Thank you for that update, and well done for talking with your children. You are not asking anything unreasonable of them and yes the shoe story is pretty shocking!

I know my dad hates the commercialisation of Mother's Day, so instead of buying anything he used to get us all to cook for my mum and pick flowers from the garden for her, just so she still had a treat. So there is still stuff you can do without buying anything.

I really hope your dcs start to treasure you a bit more. You sound like a fantastic mum and they are so lucky to have you.

Thank you all for your kind words and giving me the strength to believe I wasn't being unreasonable.

I did ask DD3 how she would feel if I didn't bother to buy her a card on special occasions. She said it wouldn't bother her as long as she got the other 'stuff' i.e: gifts/money

The point made about not being a good receiver hit a nerve, I'm not very good at that. I get quite embarrassed if given gifts, cards/home made stuff I'm fine with and probably appreciate more tbh.

A few months after my DM died I started to go through some of her things and found a box containing all the cards I'd ever made/bought for her over the years as a child. It hit me hard as they obviously mattered to her even though she hadn't really shown it at the time and she'd kept them all that time.

I think my 'not wanting to make a fuss' may run deeper than I thought. I recoiled at the mention of speaking to my GP re bereavement counselling. I don't even like to bother the GP with things . I do know the nurse at our GP very well though and have a good relationship with her so will speak to her about it and see if she can refer me. I think my default setting is that people have more/worse things to worry about than me :-/

You sound adorable and I know you didn’t come here for a literary critique but the piece you wrote was beautiful.

I would bet a large amount of money that if anything happened to you,your family would be devastated.

Molly I don't have much to add to the brilliant advice and comfort you've been given here, all of which I think is spot on.

However, I've been reading a really interesting book called The Wisdom of Menopause and was really struck by the first chapter which you can read here. The author explains that in the post-child-bearing years our brains are re-wired so that we can finally focus on ourselves more without being distracted by the demands of other people, especially our children. It's a new phase of life, and the good news is that this is our time! I really admire you for being so honest with your family, and I'm sure they will respect you for it, if not now then when they've had time to digest your words.

For various reasons I've been seeing a Human Givens counsellor and she has really helped me to see that having my needs met is essential to the smooth running of the whole family. I would really recommend that you take some time to think about yourself, with or without a bit of professional help.

It's not selfish, it's what you deserve . Don't beat yourself up for the way you have brought up your DCs, either - the story of your husband and the shoes made me smile in recognition of the devoted slave-parent!

Good luck, and do come back here to update or offload.
x

Perhaps next Mother's Day - make it about your mum. Buy some flowers 'for your mum', even if you can't put them on her grave, have them around the house. Spend some time on your own (unless, wonders would never cease, someone has actually planned something for you). Don't be surprised if you ony get a card from hubbie (some poor wives and mother's don't even get that!). If it is not too painful, look out old photos of your mum and spend the time having fond memories of a lovely lady.

Don't do everything for your kids, most are old enough to do things for themselves. Perhaps you should have more 'me time' and not always be available to them.

Oops! Just read the thread about your mum. Well I hope you can put that to bed now. It is good that you had a chat with your daughters who may be hadn't realised how important the day was for you. How, I don't know beause most people ask if you visited your mum on mother's day etc etc. I always ask peope anyway. I am sure they would have felt embarrassed if anyone had asked if they visited you and what they gave you!

Just quickly - you don't need a GP referral for bereavement counselling. Have a look at Cruse Bereavement, it's self referral.