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Relationships

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Original poster

How to stop worrying he'll cheat

41 replies

Santaclaws · 30/03/2014 22:21

Can anyone please give me some help to get things in perspective before I get myself really wound up and end up ruining a nice relationship

Been seeing someone for 2 months, met on a dating site. It wasn't instant attraction on my side anyway, not sure about his but he's really grown on me. He treats me with respect, consideration in everything he does and is just generally really nice to me and nice to be with. I've met all his immediate family, been invited to accompany him to his brothers wedding and we've booked a holiday for early summer abroad

So what's my problem? Well I am realising I'm falling for him and really want this relationship to work and so now my anxieties are beginning. I'm worrying he's hiding things from me, like maybe he's on dating sites or hook up sites that I don't know about, I'm worrying he's just making do with me for now till something better comes along,

I was like this with my ex who I was with for 4 years but he was emotionally abusive to me and I think he's destroyed my confidence, but in his case I think I was probably correct in thinking he was up to no good however he told me I would be like this with everyone and "nobody would put up with my shit". I just don't know whether to tell new guy I have these worries with trust or keep quiet. I think I might send him running if I say anything and I don't want this happy easygoing relationship to become all angst ridden because of me and how I've been feeling the last couple of days :(

OP posts:

antimatter · 30/03/2014 22:24

Is there anything in his behaviour what gives you those vibes out or do they come from your experiences in previous relationships?

OurMiracle1106 · 30/03/2014 22:25

Talk to him or you will end up ruining your relationship anyway. It will slowly eat away at you until it does

Pagwatch · 30/03/2014 22:26

Well what if he does cheat? There is nothing that you can do to stop it. There is nothing you can say to stop him if he wants to.
By worrying about it endlessly, what are you actually achieving?
You won't stop him.
All you can achieve is ruining things if he is, in fact, totally who he seems to be.

I have anxiety.i deal with it by imaging thatthe worst does in fact happen and then make myself realise that actually most dreadful outcomes are not as bad as the runaway 'omg, what if...' that circles my head endlessly.

Original poster

Santaclaws · 30/03/2014 22:29

There isn't anything in his behaviour really but I suppose I'm looking for something and if you look hard enough you can find what you think may be signs.

I don't think I can talk to him about it at this stage, surely a relationship only 2 months old should be about fun laughter and lightness not all angsty. I was trained well by my ex that I was never to do angst, it always had to be happy for him

OP posts:

antimatter · 30/03/2014 22:39

I was cheated on by my exH (that was the reason why we split) and am also finding it hard to trust my BF.
I decided just to do it - there's nothing I can do but learn to trust again .
It is slow process but I am getting better at it.

Original poster

Santaclaws · 30/03/2014 22:45

I'm starting to feel quite clingy for the first time since I met him and I hate the feeling. I'm not showing it to him and I hope he doesn't realise it. I seem to want to see him more and more now and even though he's very good and we always arrange at least two dates in advance and I'm never left wondering when he'll call, I still wonder what he gets up to when we are not together

OP posts:

Mygoldfishrocks · 30/03/2014 22:47

don't say a word. it's too early as you quite rightly say for angst and high pressure ' might you cheat? ' talks.

try and distract yourself when the thoughts come and don't take anything out on him.

reevaluate in six months time

Original poster

Santaclaws · 30/03/2014 22:52

I'm thinking I might be feeling this way because I'm falling for him now and it's scary. Before I wasn't too worried about losing him as I didn't care about him. I'm finding myself wondering if he's falling for me, I almost want him to tell me he loves me and yet I don't want him to because I feel it would be a bit soon to be genuine. I'm in a right muddle

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 30/03/2014 22:57

Hmmm
Are you 'falling' or are you experiencing a buzz of terrifying desperation for a man you want to like you? It's quite giddiness-inducing, the wanting but not quite sure he wants you.
It's not love you know. It's something else.

It probably is too early to be love - for both of you.

Pagwatch · 30/03/2014 23:07

Holy crap. Three glasses of wine and I am channelling my mother.

RollerCola · 30/03/2014 23:10

I feel like this too. Been seeing a really lovely guy for 5mths, and I'm pretty sure I've fallen for him. I've kept a lid on it so far, for fear of seeming 'crazy' and I want to try and control it myself instead of voicing it to him.

My best advice is to keep yourself very busy during the times you don't see him.

mansize · 30/03/2014 23:16

I feel this way too. I'm not sure why. I suppose I'm so afraid of being taken for a fool and getting hurt.

I haven't worked out how to overcome it yet, but am seeking counselling. As other posters have said, you just have to try to trust because that's all you can do.

Watching this with interest.

Original poster

Santaclaws · 31/03/2014 06:38

Thanks for all your replies. I think the issue is that I really would like this to work , I don't want yet another failed relationship and I want a lasting relationship, I want to be happy . Yes I know people say you can be happy without a man, and I know that but actually I would like to be in a couple and share things. I really like this man and we seem to get on well so far I'm scared it's too good to be true I suppose

OP posts:

whostolethesocks · 31/03/2014 06:52

I'm like this too. Ex husband had an affair. I'm in a new relationship but find it hard to trust again. Like mansize I'm afraid of being taken for a fool and getting hurt. It's so hard having had a bad experience.

BuzzardBird · 31/03/2014 06:52

I'm with pagsmother on her first post. Worrying will not change the outcome of whether or not he will cheat so it is futile. I would not tell him how you feel this early on as you shouldn't even be thinking about those things at this point. You are dating. Enjoy the good times. Stop worrying your life and happiness away.

moonfacebaby · 31/03/2014 11:24

I struggled with this too - it's only 14 months in that I'm finally managing it better.

ExH had an affair so trusting my DP took some time. If it wasn't me worrying that he'd cheat, it was me worrying that he didn't feel the same way, or that he was saying the right things but not feeling them the way I was. All of this was down to exH's treatment of me as I'd never been like this in previous relationships.

Counselling helped, as did realising that I can't stop anyone from cheating or falling out of love with me.

It's been hard as I really bloody love my DP. It's caused us a few issues but I think I've finally got to grips with it.

It's all about a leap of faith & trying to stop the over analysis.

RollerCola · 31/03/2014 17:21

Moonface can I ask how you got counselling for this? I think I need to speak to someone otherwise I'm in danger of ruining a perfectly good relationship because I've lost my sense of normality.

Original poster

Santaclaws · 31/03/2014 20:13

moonface that's exactly how I'm feeling, worrying he may cheat or is still talking to women on websites/ dating sites behind my back. Or I'm worrying he doesn't feel the way I do. When I think how difficult it is to actually get a relationship to last I feel the odds are against you. For starters you both have to like eachother, a lot, in the right way and want the same thing out of a relationship and life. You have to get on physically and mentally, be able to deal with eachothers families, be able to work things through during tough times.

It all just sounds so impossibly hard. I don't know why I'm so negative, I've had a 20 year marriage that wasn't all bad and I was the one that left. So really can't understand what's wrong with me. He's still being great to me, very attentive and always does what he says he'll do. Agrrrrrr I'm driving myself mad, I'm sure with time it will get better

OP posts:

oldfashionedgirl · 01/04/2014 06:59

I do similar. He has given me no signs that he is up to anything but the more I like him the more I worry. He has always done what he has said and is really great. I just am convinced that he can do better than me.

Original poster

Santaclaws · 01/04/2014 07:21

I just think I've got it in my head that men are never happy with just one woman, it's never enough for them and they are always on the lookout for the next conquest or ego boost or bit of excitement. I don't mean to castigate all men but I think it's my ex that has put the fear there. He often used to say " I like variety" when talking about our sex life and although he said he meant variety of different sex with me, I felt what he really meant was variety of women. He also had been known to say " well keep me happy then I won't need to go anywhere else"

He was also technology obsessed, you know, phone ect, had loads of women's numbers but they were all just friends of course. I didn't trust him an inch. My stupidity in having what I thought was abit of fun with him at the start and letting it turn into a relationship has cost me dear in many ways. I remember what he was like at the start, it was always about sex, real sex, phone sex, trying to get me to do cam sex ( I didn't as I hate that) god it's really messed me up

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 01/04/2014 08:35

But you are treating him like a prize that may get away from you?
That if he cheats and turns out to be someone who is always on the lookout for other available women then you will have lost that prize.

The truth is tht he is a person who you should be getting to know so you can decide if he is a nice person you wish to be intimate with -in terms of being immensely close to and trusting with your feelings.

If he is a cheat and manipulative then he has shown you that actually he is just a dickhead.

Why would any sensible person not think 'ooooh. I thought he was great. But actually he is a dickhead.
It sounds as though your focus is
'why am I not good enough to keep him'
Which is wrong on about a million levels.

You should find ways to figure that out. Why are you getting upset and planning to cling to a man if he proves to e not a very nice person? Why are you not able to then change your view of him?

Original poster

Santaclaws · 01/04/2014 09:05

pag it's not that I don't think I'm good enough, I am good enough and he is not a ' prize' that I'm clinging to. Maybe I haven't explained it properly, it's difficult to explain.

I think sometimes by the time you reach a certain age you can get quite cynical due to being let down and people you know being let down. When something that seems to be good comes along you are scared to believe it. Believe me he seems very nice and genuine but I'm still reserving judgement fully as I'm aware I don't know him properly yet

I guess I really don't feel like going through yet another let down but I'm aware there nothing I can do to prevent it, if it happens, it happens

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 01/04/2014 09:09

Ok, I understand that.
It's the prospect of another disappointment rather than the fear of him being a cheat.
I'm sorry - I hadn't fully understood that.

Original poster

Santaclaws · 01/04/2014 09:16

pag yes it is fear at the prospect of allowing yourself to believe in someone, falling for them, trusting them only to find out they are not worthy at all. I don't want the hassle and upset of that again. I think there comes a point where you tire of having to bounce back and just want to settle down and be happy.

Having said that I'm not obsessing over this on a daily basis because he is so bloody nice to me. I get my down days and that's when it comes to the forefront

OP posts:

taratamara · 01/04/2014 13:23

could it be then more an issue of trusting yourself /your own judgement - as in I royally fucked up before, what if I've no judgement in men?
I have this.
I guess all you can do is reflect on what you could have noticed in previous partner, which it sounds like you're doing a bit e.g that you had to 'keep him satisfied' variety etc, and then just keep your eyes open in this new relationship but trust little by little?
If this new guy proves entirely untrustworthy at least you'd have learned even more, but chances are your radar has improved already since the last one. You can only take it bit by bit and try to enjoy this for what it is, without too many expectations, while you're getting to know this guy.

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