How to stop worrying he'll cheat

[Santaclaws]

Can anyone please give me some help to get things in perspective before I get myself really wound up and end up ruining a nice relationship

Been seeing someone for 2 months, met on a dating site. It wasn't instant attraction on my side anyway, not sure about his but he's really grown on me. He treats me with respect, consideration in everything he does and is just generally really nice to me and nice to be with. I've met all his immediate family, been invited to accompany him to his brothers wedding and we've booked a holiday for early summer abroad

So what's my problem? Well I am realising I'm falling for him and really want this relationship to work and so now my anxieties are beginning. I'm worrying he's hiding things from me, like maybe he's on dating sites or hook up sites that I don't know about, I'm worrying he's just making do with me for now till something better comes along,

I was like this with my ex who I was with for 4 years but he was emotionally abusive to me and I think he's destroyed my confidence, but in his case I think I was probably correct in thinking he was up to no good however he told me I would be like this with everyone and "nobody would put up with my shit". I just don't know whether to tell new guy I have these worries with trust or keep quiet. I think I might send him running if I say anything and I don't want this happy easygoing relationship to become all angst ridden because of me and how I've been feeling the last couple of days :(

That could be right tara, maybe it's our own judgement we need to learn to trust. So if that's true we need to be able to differentiate between what is truly a sign of untrustworthy behaviour, and what is just our own insecurities?

Eg one of my exs 'things' was that he never ever left his phone lying around, it was always on silent etc. I always put it to the back of my mind but I know now it's because he was cheating.

My new man friend leaves his all over the place. He sits right next to me reading his texts, he even shows me some texts. The difference is astonishing, and has made me realise now that exs behaviour was wrong.

If he suddenly started being secretive I'd immediately think something was wrong because I've seen it before.

OP, I really get this. It's a horrible feeling, because you know really that it's your problem, rather than there's, but that doesn't change the fact that it can be such a dark place to be.

I have always had 'trust issues' shall we say. Although some people would describe that as simply a way of excusing bad behaviour, which I don't 100% agree with, because I don't excuse anything.

The thing is, most of the time I have it under control..........on the outside. However, on the inside, all sorts of dark and more than likely, completely irrational, thoughts are going on.

As somebody has already said, if he's going to cheat, he's going to and no matter how much you worry about it, or don't worry about it, that's quite simply, the bottom line. All you can do is recognise that you have a problem (which it sounds like you have done) and try your hardest to keep it under control.

Would I be devastated if my dp cheated on me? Of course! I would be absolutely crushed, but it really is true, that you almost have to imagine the worst. Not to prepare yourself for it 'inevitably' happening, but to hopefully make you realise that even if it did, you'd be able to cope.

When did you and ex break up, OP? Long ago?

dirtybadger we broke up 8 mths ago although he has been in touch since with my adult kids and myself trying to worm his way back in. I know what he is though and don't want any more of it, at last I saw the light. Actually I saw so suspected it a long time ago but didn't want to believe it iyswim. He emotionally, sexually and financially abused me

Just wanted to add I'm feeling a bit happier this morning. I had a date with new man last night and when we go back to mine I had a text on my phone that came up as just a number no name. He seemed a bit concerned and I was puzzled. So I text back and it was from someone on a dating site I was chatting to months ago. Anyway I replied I had now met someone

I used this to chat further about trust ect, we had a little laugh about it and I apologised that text had come when we were having a nice evening together and said I probably would have been a bit put out if he'd had a similar text. We got on to talking about phones and we both flicked through our contacts in front of eachother. He was so totally open with his phone I was so surprised, such a difference from my ex. I'm starting to believe he is worthy of me starting to trust him

I think it's too early to say anything to him. You may scare him off!

I do, however, think it may be a good idea to get yourself some counselling to help deal with your anxiety and past trauma. Your self-esteem has taken a hit and you need to find away to feel good about yourself again, in order to feel secure in your relationship.

vitamin I see what you're saying but I do feel good about myself and I do think I'm worthy. But I'm aware that really it doesn't make any difference how much you value yourself, you have no control over what others do. So I can't prevent it happening I can only control my reactions to things

My problem is I just don't want the hassle of going through yet another breakup, I so want something to work out, but obviously not at any cost. I just want a successful relationship with a decent man

Roller - the counselling was something I had done before for depression. If you find a good one, it's well worth it & I don't know how I'd have dealt with my exH's affair without it - he really was the type of bloke that you'd think would never cheat. Was an absolute arse about it too.

It's taken a lot of work as I'd gone into over-analysis mode with the affair & getting out of that habit when in a new relationship - it took some practice. I probably should have waited for a bit longer before getting involved again but I just clicked with DP & I do love him very much & it's been great so far.

My trust issue has not completely gone - I'll never be the same person that I was prior to exH's affair. But it's like the volumes been turned down on it now & it doesn't do my head in half as much. I still have these mad thoughts that I know are completely illogical, but I just try & think of something else instead. I can recognise that they are a bit bonkers.

I think when someone has lied to you as much as my exH did - about what he was up to but also about his feelings for me, trying to trust another man - it's going to take time.

If my DP did cheat on me - I'd be off men for a long, long time - I don't think that I could take it again.

Thanks, I do think I need to look into some kind of counselling. I think my view of 'normal' has been damaged and I can't help overanalysing things.

I haven't really told my new man my trust fears, but he does know that I was very hurt from my marriage. He's so kind that I'm sure he'd understand but I don't want to come across and massively clingy so I've kept it all in. He's given me no reason at all to worry, but I just do.

Like you op I think another relationship breakdown would just about do me in, which is why I'm so cautious. I can see now I wasn't ready to start another relationship, but it just happened and now I'm scared it'll go wrong.

I guess all we can do is throw caution to the wind and accept that which we can't control will happen whether or not we worry about it. I'm going to look for a counsellor today, hopefully they can help to control these feelings?

It's been a couple of weeks since I've been on here and overall the relationship seems to be going ok. I still have some small niggles on and off though. I'm not sure if this is normal in a new relationship?
I occasionally worry he will cheat
I worry about falling for him more than he has for me and ultimately wanting more from the relationship than he does. For example he's never married or had kids and he's in his late fourties. I, however would like to remarry one day.
I worry that I may just be someone to pass the time with and that he won't fall in love

I'd like to add I'm not in a constant state of worry, just in the back of my mind now and again and wanted to run it past you all for reassurance. He treats me very well, makes lots of effort to see me, takes me out. I think what's kicked this off today is we have spent all weekend together and are going away next weekend and he's said he's not coming over until early Friday morning when we go away. Normally we see eachother during the week too. I know I will miss him and I'm thinking why isn't he feeling he'll miss me??

Bump

OK, this kind of anxiety is normal in a new relationship. As you've said, it feels as if you're now making an investment; on top of the sense that you're 'investing' in something that might not work out, there's also some fear of a good thing turning bad and what will you do then???!! Argh.]

What you need is mindfulness. Accept these thoughts & feelings as real and valid - because all feelings are real & valid. They're just feelings. They tell us something about our thought patterns, and also about our 'cave brain' reactions to stimuli like being loved, enjoying sex, and perceiving threats. All of this is valuable feedback and our emotions deserve maximum respect for it. In rehab, the advice to "sit with your feelings" was said so often, the local parrot colony used to repeat it!

Sitting with your feelings means taking some quiet space to really feel your emotion, and figure out where it comes from. Let your unconscious mind work on this with you. Something may have triggered a recollection of something your ex did or said - or something that happened way before him, perhaps, something you've read or heard - or indeed something that happened just now. You do NOT have to act on anything you discover: emotions are information, not instructions. Let this happen with lovely, good feelings as well as the less comfortable ones. They're all your very own, and all worth a bit of gentle consideration :)

A good counsellor can be helpful with this; not all counsellors are good, mind you. I sometimes post on here when I want help with sorting out the triggers for a bothersome emotion, and I also write to myself about them. Other people draw & paint them, sing them, figure them out while running - whatever works for you!

I hope this has made at least some kind of sense to you? Also what Pag's mother said. She's on the ball, that one

I'm sorry, I missed the part about being in his 40s and not yet married. If it's very important to you to remarry, I suggest putting this into your mindful consideration too, and seeing what comes out. You may wonder why marriage is particularly important to you, and whether you currently like the prospect of growing old & unwell with this man. None of this is a call to action, and none of it's set in stone - I'm just suggesting you let yourself feel & hear your thoughts & emotions around it.

Thank you garlic yes I suppose I do like the prospect of things working out with this man and yes, I definately want to remarry one day, I'm not saying I want to marry him because I don't know him well enough yet but I believe in marriage. It concerns me slightly that he hasn't ever married, in fact we've not talked much about previous relationships.

He's a lovely amenable guy but I think he may just be the sort who coasts merrily through life and yes he's happy with me at the moment but will he ever/ does he ever think more long term.?

I have met all his family he wants me with him at every family event but so did the previous person he was seeing for 3 months before me so I've a feeling it's not through any sense that things may get serious but more for company

Good work, Santa

Well, as you've not been over previous relationships yet, this one is likely some considerable way from becoming 'serious' at present. While it is important & helpful for you to dedicate some mindfulness to your emotions - you could be beating yourself up unnecessarily for being mistrustful, where actually your feelings come more from a growing sense that you're each heading in different directions. Do you think your ex trained you to think of yourself as neurotically possessive? Could it be that you're mis-labelling some perfectly reasonable doubts, due to incorrect filters applied by your ex?

I can't tell you how to feel or what to think, obviously. I can, however give you permission (if you want it?) to start The Relationship conversation with your boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want, and finding out whether a partner's ideas are compatible with yours.

Think you hit the nail on the head Garlic yes my ex did make me believe that of myself. Even when it was plain I had cause to mistrust him he still turned it around on me. I have no cause to distrust this new man he's a different as could be, so far anyway.

I think that, yes, I am just obsessing that ultimately it might end up that we want different things and yet it's too soon to begin that conversation for either of us.