Affairs

[greenjug]

I had an affair last summer. Since then I've read a lot of threads relating to affairs. Some to do with those who've had affairs but mainly from the perspective of the cheated on partner. I've learned from them. But, there are some things routinely said, both on threads and websites dedicated to the subject, that I'd like to challenge.

I've started a new thread as I don't want to hijack anyone else's nor get involved in one particular real life example.

Things that get said which are not true:
'If you have an affair with a colleague it will be obvious to people at work' - not necessarily
'Affairs are always found out in the end' - not true
'My DP is not the cheating kind' - you don't know that (see above)
'I am not the cheating kind' - maybe not but that doesn't mean that nobody who has said that about themselves has ever gone on to have an affair

Some of the things said about people who have been unfaithful are patronising and treat unfaithful partners as if they are one homogenous group. That is no more true of the cheater than it is of the cheated on and isn't helpful to anyone including the cheated on partner.

If the unfaithful partner says their affair was a 'mistake' it doesn't necessarily mean they're saying it happened 'by accident'. You can make an active decision to do something but realise later that it was wrong (a mistake). When I sold a house just before it doubled in value I didn't do it 'by accident' but it turned out to be a mistake all the same.

If there is a 'script' maybe it's because sometimes it's true. Like a cliché becomes a cliché because so often it is true.

If your partner has an affair it does not automatically absolve you from any responsibility for how your relationship got to that point. I say 'automatically' deliberately - sometimes of course there is no responsibility and the cheater is just an arse.

By saying this I'm not saying that if your partner has an affair it's your fault, it was their decision for which they are entirely responsible. I'm not talking excuses, I'm talking reasons. Every affair happens for a reason (or more likely several) and the reason isn't always that the cheater is a scumbag.

Right - I'll put on my hard hat now and dive for cover...

I hate these sort of threads where people become self appointed affair experts.

LOL, well it's probably best to avoid the relationships forum then. Unless you mean

I hate these sort of threads where people with whom I don't agree become self appointed affair experts.

I think I'm quite capable of saying what I mean. If at any point I can't communicate effectively I will be sure to give you a shout seeing as you are privy to what I really mean.

Is there a particularly reason you've singled out my post ?

Yes, I just found it funny, because nearly every thread about affairs is full of affair gurus starting their comments along the lines of "These men always...".

Then along comes a thread with a post that people for the most part don't agree with, and someone pipes up that they hate people proclaiming themselves as experts on affairs.

I think one can easily recognise the difference between an expert and a self-appointed expert.

Differing views from the first are still worth hearing. The latter is usually patronising shite.

And of course all affairs inherently involve cheating and lying.

The difference of opinion is between those who seek to justify cheating and lying, and those who seek ways to justify it as permissible.

You are talking sense justarandomguy.