I gave someone my number yesterday. I have a DP :(

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Been with DP 9 years. We are both female. We haven't had the easiest relationship and we are going through a rough patch at the moment- bit that that excuses anything.

Yesterday I went to a conference. One of the speakers was a woman about my age or slightly older. She was clearly 'out' as gay as she spoke about an ex girlfriend and later said she was single, both as 'asides' during her presentation. The presentation was fantastic and made me admire her greatly as she is clearly a very gifted professional in my field.

After it had finished I went up to her and said quietly that I had never done this before but as she had mentioned an ex girlfriend and that she was single, maybe she'd like to go out for a drink sometime. She agreed, took my number and said she 'd text me.

I don't know what came over me! I now feel both guilty and confused. She hasn't texted me and probably won't but I don't know what I'd do if she did. I love my DP and am very confused by my actions. Talk me down please!

Well I guess the logical thing to do is forget her! And stop the twitter stalking! And start repairing/concentrating in your current relationship

What is it that's happening to cause this rough patch?

We argue a lot. DP is very fiery and responds with great anger to small issues. I then lose my temper and shout back. It's not great :/

Hmm....if it's just professional admiration then meeting up for a drink would be ok. Just make it clear to her if/when se texts that you have a DP but would love to meet over a drink to discuss 'x' (whatever her conference subject was).

But only if you really don't want to get in her pants.

NO NO fanjolina it wouldn't be ok! Don't tell me that.. I think it would be dishonest because the way I approached her suggested a romantic interest. Also I think I implied I was single. Meeting her would be wrong.

Polly, grip (see what I did there?).

You're right, meeting her would be wrong. You are clearly infatuated with this woman, who believes you to be single and interested, and your DP would (quite rightly in this case) not be at all happy. You seem to be sleepwalking into an emotional affair at best (it's ok if I meet her as long as nothing happens...). Don't!!

How long has this 'rough patch' been going on?

The fact that you reached out/approached someone does suggest that the problem runs deeper with your relationship than you perhaps thought.
If it can be fixed, and you want to fix the problem, then obviously try your hardest to do so. If this is revealing to you that things are not as rosy as you'd thought, then you need to reassess.

I don't think you should be meeting up with OW though, professionally or personally. As you say, you implied by omission that you were single. Meeting her would be wrong. Certainly it would be wrong in the current circumstances.

See, I thought you were going to say that someone had asked you for your number and you were a bit flustered, caught on the hop, and so gave it to them, then regretted it. This is a stage way beyond that. Definitely don't meet her! Decide what you want to do about your relationship and then if you break up with DP, maybe then you could contact this woman and explain that you had been in a relationship but no longer are etc etc...

Polly.....

If this relatively unknown woman has made you act like that then you need to move on.

Personally, I'd probably respond, should she call. I'd probably go out for a drink. I'd probably gauge what to do based on how I felt. She is unlikely to be 'The One', but she could 'A One'.

I'd also definitely call time on my current relationship at the same time.

So yes, get a grip and stop putting of the inevitable!

I love 'Polly, grip'!
I think meeting would be dangerous and dishonest. It would be cheating and I don't want to cheat.
I also think that although I love my DP very much, the relationship isn't making me happy :(

Is it possible you just admired her and wanted to make friends?

No hickory. I definitely approached her in a way that suggested 'more than friends'.

Time to move on then? Do some soul searching?

It's so hard though after 9 years. I want not to have wasted that time :(

I feel for you OP. Not a nice feeling is it.

Two issues. Your present relationship which sounds as though it needs sorting and if you want to leave you should do so honestly and straightforwardly before anyone else is involved. It was a minor aberration that might be the catalyst to push you in to sorting out the rest of your life. If she texts you, then you decide to do - not a problem until it happens. We're all entitled to make mistakes. I once had lunch with an old flame - certainly didn't tell DH and we've been happily married for 24 years. Just made me realise I'd done the right thing in ending up with DH tbh.

The whole 9 years won't have been wasted; there will have been good times and it wil have formed you as a person in part. Look on it as an experience, part of the patchwork that has made you but not wasting the last 9 isn't an excuse to waste the next 9 or a lifetime. If aren't happy now, you certainly won't be in 9 next years.

Hi Polly

I think there's too much emphasise on the number giving rather than your relationship with your dp. There's a massive red flag waving and no ones picking up on it.

It says something very loudly that you sort to give your number to someone you admired in what comes across as by what you say, very cowed and unsure like a naughty little girl. It's reads like you have to be secretive because you are judged harshly by innocent actions and thoughts, which are being twisted to show you in a harsh light.

I would say you did this action because you are unhappy and unconsciously you did something provocative that has caused you to now reflect upon the reasons why, if you don't take notice of your instincts they will find another way to get your attention, they did so what has it brought up for you?

Your partner is jealous why?
She's angry why?
Is she controlling, are you minimising and do you modify your behaviour to keep her calm and happy?
if after changing your behaviour is she still this way?

If you have answered yes to at least 1 of the above there might have to be some changes, it might not be on your part.
I wonder if the relationship has run it's course.

There are some yes answers there guiltypleasures :(
The problem we have is that we rarely talk properly as DP often misunderstands what I say. Eg yesterday I was taking about my boss and saying I respected her opinion. DP has mentioned this in a snide way several times since 'it must be nice to respect someone you work with at least' etch- implying that I don't respect her, DP.

Polly ,

It sounds like she has a few issues and rather then getting them sorted and looking for insight, she's projecting on to you.
Everything she says to you is how she feels about herself, you respect a work colleague, that reads she doesn't inspire you to feel the same about her, but that's how she feels about herself and so on.

There's always a reason that people behave in these ways, but she is a grown up and it doesn't make it right her treatment of you.
She might feel that she's being held back in someway, career and life choices maybe not working out, she might see you as achieving what she can't and hasn't, so she might be jealous and this effects her self esteem, thus punishing you for what she feels should be her successes.

It sounds like she is sucking the life and joy out of your relationship, I wonder if youve gained a promotion or a qualification and are doing well and she feels left behind.

All of the above is not a reason for her to treat you badly, your acquiescing to her behaviour and pacifying her shows you as weak in her eyes, she will continue to do this unless she either changes, which is unlikely unless she realises what she is doing or you leave.

Wow, it's weird you should say that Guilty! We are both in the same profession but I have been promoted twice in the last year while DP has left her job and only managed to get temporary work.

Hi op

Until she either has a light bulb moment and changes, or feels herself on an equal footing with you she will never change.

Jealousy and controlling behaviour is her way of ensuring your not going to enjoy your hard earned success, neither of these character traits are particularly attractive. The bottom line is she is ensuring that you feel,as shit about yourself as she does about herself.

The reason she can't communicate effectively is because on some level she knows what she is doing and your bringing it to her attention even in as kind a way as possible, is making her defensive and angry.

The thing is you can't change her but she has changed you and that's not fair, either she gets help or you have little choice to either continue swallowing her bile or get out and thrive.

Oh Guilty I find it strange that you have managed to hit the nail on the head so effectively from my few posts about DP's behaviour. I just feel as though I can't do anything right and it makes me sad. DP criticises me for speaking more to my colleagues and friends than her, but whenever I do speak to her, she shuts me down. :(

Hi Polly

The thing is this is about her and not about you, your reaping the whirlwind for her insecurities. I wouldn't be surprised if she has been like this pre you.

For example felt a sibling was favoured over her, possibly insecurities around her sexuality and or others acceptance of it and feeling judged etc. If she doesn't feel good enough then it possibly stems back to childhood and learned behaviour. Insecurities are hard to deal with if your faced with the reason you currently feel insecure about ie your success etc. She won't however deal with any of it unless she observes herself and sees how it effects you.

Basically she has a massive chip on her shoulder and the weight of it is dragging you down, you being the nice empathic partner makes no difference in a way your enabling her behaviour and treatment of you.

You gave your number to that women maybe because you saw an equal in her, she stirred your interest, spoke to your soul sort of thing, it's probably because your partner no longer does, so I'll go back to my last comment that it might have run it's course.

Hoping you find a resolution to this Guilty - I think Polly has totally got the picture clear.

Thank you Mrs but I think you have got our names mixed up!
Thank you Guilty- your insightful and supportive posts have really helped