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Original poster

Husband 'popped' into the pub at lunchtime to check if I really was meeting the girls

29 replies

Funnyfishface · 29/03/2014 00:58

Husband of 23 years doesn't trust me. He is a very jealous and insecure person.
Last weekend I had arranged to meet the girls for lunch. He was working nearby and decided to pop in to see me. He didn't have a drink or lunch. He walked in said hello and walked out.
I am so cross with him.

We are going for relate counselling as it is. I have never cheated and would never cheat. Am I right to be cross

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 29/03/2014 01:01

Does he have reason not to trust you?

RhondaJean · 29/03/2014 01:02

I get the no cheating but has there been inappropriate friendships, secrets etc?

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 29/03/2014 01:06

No not in the slightest.

He on the other hand is constantly looking at other women. He tells meaningless lies. I found out years ago that he had been texting a friend of mine flirty texts and arranging to meet her. Although he swears nothing happened.

I don't go out without him except for the odd lunch. I don't drink. I am quite prudish about my body. So he shouldn't have any worries .

OP posts:
SuburbanSpaceperson · 29/03/2014 01:11

Do you think he might have cheated on you, or considered it? Sometimes people will think a behaviour is suspicious because they have pretended to do that same thing as a cover for something else. So if he has successfully used 'an evening in the pub with mates' when it was actually an evening in a strip club he might be more likely to assume that your lunch with female friends was also a cover story.

SuburbanSpaceperson · 29/03/2014 01:13

Sorry, x-post with you.

If he tells a lot of lies it's probably beyond his understanding that others don't.

RandomInternetStranger · 29/03/2014 01:19

Sounds like projection to me. Every boyfriend & my husband who used to check up on me and follow me and accuse me of things were the ones who were the cheats. He's projecting his behaviour on to you because he knows what he is capable of and assumes you are too. That's not saying that he's cheating, but that he knows he could or has thought about it.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2014 02:16

You've put up with 23 years of this crap? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this?

VenusDeWillendorf · 29/03/2014 02:27

I agree random, and I also agree SGB.

What are you doing for yourself lately OP?
23 years is a long sentence. You'd get less for murder.

I hear you're going to relate, but maybe do some counselling for yourself, by yourself.
You sound a little bit lost to me, and some goal setting might be just the thing for you for your futurelife.

GoldfishCrackers · 29/03/2014 04:31

Yes you're right to be cross. It sounds like you're come to live in a way so as not to make him jealous (rarely going out without him etc.) Between that and his lies, he doesn't sound like he's worth the effort.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 29/03/2014 09:15

I have had counselling by myself. I was advised to change MY life. Which I am doing.
I had been SAHM working occasionally from home. DS are grown up now so got myself an office job which I love.
I don't know about him cheating. I think he just loves attention.
When I found out about him texting my friend I kicked him out.

I do love him but at times I really don't like him at all.
Unfortunately he is one of life's unhappy people. He is never content.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/03/2014 09:19

"Unfortunately he is one of life's unhappy people. He is never content."

That sounds horribly draining.

It wouldn't by any chance be mostly your fault that he's unhappy?Hmm

And he does sound as though he's judging you by his standards.

WitchWay · 29/03/2014 09:50

This would make me furious!

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2014 09:53

You have a good job, you have no dependent DCs - just dump this tiresome loser of a man. There is nothing stopping you. It doesn't matter if he's unhappy. You matter.

EverythingCounts · 29/03/2014 09:57

He is totally projecting. Call it a day and think what a relief it will be not to have to put up with this any more. He will have to fix his unhappiness without blaming it on you, directly or indirectly.n

onewordanswer · 29/03/2014 10:14

Uncouple

Dirtybadger · 29/03/2014 10:19

Another "projection" hand up.

Dirtybadger · 29/03/2014 10:20

Why do you not go out? You don't like social things, you'd rather relax at home, or it's not worth the hassle because of your dh? Or something else entirely?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/03/2014 10:25

Your H isn't very subtle is he. Jealousy is unattractive in a partner but in his case, as said already, by the sound of it he behaves like this through his own guilty conscience.

If you are going to be monitoring his roving eye while he carries on doing spot checks questioning your fidelity it starts to look like a farce OP. You must have the patience of a saint.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 29/03/2014 11:28

It is draining.
Lately I have been wondering if I have contributed to his insecurities though.
I am a very loving, giving person. EXCEPT with him. I know we don't speak to each other in a very nice way.
He does and has always told lies and exaggerates to suit himself. But his lies are ridiculous. It's little things. And I definitely think it's to do with control.
He is completely obsessed with money.
He loves me but his love is about looks, wealth, sex appeal....
I want unconditional love, and want to be able to give that to my partner. But it's not working out that way.

Up until I started my job I had three years of suffering terrible anxiety. I seem to be getting through that now. But I know how low I was and I never want to go back to that. So I am protecting myself. If that makes any sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnyfishface · 29/03/2014 11:33

I am quite happy relaxing at home.

I like theatre, cinema, eating out, etc but I'm not a pub person. I don't drink and that doesn't interest me at all.

We go out socially with friends at least once a week.

He gets bored at home. He has to go out on a Saturday night. He also plays golf, supports football and has season ticket, goes on golfing holidays with his mates, likes the pub and goes regularly. He goes out twice a week with lads for food and drink.
I have no problem with this at all. I enjoy the evening on my own actually

OP posts:
Xenadog · 29/03/2014 11:33

Have your counselling and see what comes from it before you make any big decisions.

I think he is judging you by his standards and that's why he has checked up on you. Would make me question if he had been unfaithful in the past.

clam · 29/03/2014 11:35

Hmm, wonder if that anxiety was anything to do with living with him?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/03/2014 11:42

Another vote for "Projection"

He sounds like a life drain and your the radiator.

ghostinthecanvas · 29/03/2014 11:42

He is definitely judging you by his standards. Why don't you stand back and do the same? Sadly, I don't think he would stand up to the scrutiny. If my DH checked up on me like that I would be furious. I would also wonder if he was up to no good.
Are you starting to wonder if you would be happier without him? We all deserve unconditional love I think. You are not only right to be cross, I think you would be right to explore the possibilities of a life without him. You recognise you are loving with others but not him, do you recognise why this is?

TDada · 29/03/2014 12:28

Your DH needs to change his ways NOW or he will lose you. Do you have DC?

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