Wondering if going back would be so bad

[OberonTheHopeful]

I'll try to be fairly brief as I posted about this some time ago. I left my last partner about four years ago, an alcoholic who to be honest wasn't especially nice to me. I feel I've spent the last four years trying to make a new life for myself, in a new city, and now feel like I've just had enough. I have made some friends, and spend a bit of time with them, but they have their own lives. I've been at a low point for a while (redundancy hasn't helped), and whilst I get out sometimes and see people when they have time I cannot shake the emptiness. People are busy, some don't return messages.

It has been on my mind in the last few weeks that my XP might take me back. It wouldn't have even been a choice until recently, but I just feel that something would be better than nothing. I really feel like I've reached the end, and in some ways that I'm worse off now than when I left. Are the years we spent together (and, for me, since then) just wasted?

In what ways was your XP not particularly nice to you?

Something is not always better than nothing.

Omg absolutely do not do it.

Why on gods earth do you want to go back to an alcoholic who wasn't 'especially' to you?

How did you meet your new friends?!

What about work colleagues? Can you not go out with them socially?

What about joing an evening class? You might meet new people.

Do any of your friends have any single girlfriends they could introduce you too?

Have you heard of Meetup? Google it. It's a way for people to organise social get togethers. It's a way of meeting people if you're new to an area.

If you get out a bit more it may help you stop thinking about this UTTERLY MAD idea of getting back with your ex.

I think the problem with friends (and I've been fortunate to make a few since I left) is that they have lives of their own, there's no one who is just 'there'. And that is the problem, my life just feels so empty. I thought I was getting a handle on this, but in recent weeks it all seems to have come unravelled. I have made a number of friends (most of them female), who seem to like to see me, but maybe I'm not 'introducible' (like I've been pidgeonholed in some way). With my XP, I was never sure what I would go home (or even wake up) to, but at least she was always there. This loneliness is truly killing me.

MatildaWhispers, there's an old thread of mine here.

PlantsAndFlowers, it's through meetup I met my local friends (I'm a member of a few groups on there). It's a good suggestion though, I would very much recommend meetup.

Puddles1234, a very good suggestion. Unfortunately my last job wasn't at all sociable like that and I'm now out of work. I'm looking at contracts but they're unlikely to be much different in that respect.

I honestly thought I had turned a corner on all of this, I really did, but it has just come flooding back. I still feel like I'm holding on to such little things, and there seems to be little of substance in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm just seen as a 'giver' or 'provider', and now I'm in need of some support it's a bit lacking. This may well be an issue of preception, or my inability to set reasonable boundaries. My last relationship was awful for me, but at least it was a relationship, something that was a focus for me.

Why would you want to go back to a relationship that made you unhappy. Do you not value yourself enough?

You need to concentrate on building your own friendships and self esteem.

Please don't put yourself back in a position of being unhappy, just for the sake of 'having someone'. Being lonely is better than being treated like shit.

I've just read your old thread. Look at what you posted:

'Even then I'm not sure I can really relate what's happened in my life. Who would really understand what it's like to walk around shopping centres after work or drive from cafe to cafe because you can't face going home (and then maybe be punished for being late), to be routinely punched, kicked, pinned up and hit with a shoe, have things thrown at you. To have her be sick (because drunk) and rub your face in it if you wouldn't clean it up. To be threatened with a knife, sometimes held to your throat, and gouged with a corkscrew. To be sexually assaulted by someone you should be able to trust. To be criticised and belittled, have the person who's supposed to care most about you wish you dead and compare you all the time to men she's known who are better looking and better in bed. To not be able to see your friends and then lose the friendships. And then spend the rest of the time trying to look after her and get her out of the trouble she'd got into through being drunk. She was always incredibly apologetic the day after, but then often just come home drunk again and it just didn't stop. I don't feel like I was ever her partner so much as a combination of parent and punchbag'

Why on earth would you go back? I've skimmed your previous posts and it would be utter madness.

It sounds like your self esteem is low and you'd rather be in any relationship -even one where you are subject to DV - than be on your own.

If you're lonely there are many things you can do-enrol on a course, start a new hobby, volunteer etc. These things would also help your self esteem.

But PLEASE don't go back.

Reading your old thread OP, I can't imagine why you could ever consider going back to such an awful situation. Please don't do it.

It sounds to me as if you've made a fair number of friends but that what you want is a partner. Why not join a dating agency?

Sorry, am on phone, posted too soon. Anyway, my point is, you can't go back to that! Your ex treated you shockingly. She doesn't deserve to have you back. Instead of looking back, can you focus on positive steps you could take to start meeting someone new? Have you tried online dating? I used to live in Nottingham, it's a great city. I noticed from your old post that you're interested in cinema, have you been to the small independent cinema in the lace market, they have clubs, why don't you start hanging out down there, maybe meet some like minded people? I know it's hard to keep going, but please hang on in there.

Hello Oberon, I fully understand your position. I too was in a 'relationship' with somebody who abused me emotionally, physically, financially and sexually. I count myself lucky to be out of that and would rather live a lonely life (I do have a few friends) than go back to that. Ever.

Your other thread says that you were together for 13.5 years but the last 12 were bad. Don't even consider it please.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I have to admit I hadn't re-read my old thread, I think I've been trying to keep it out of my mind and imagine it was somehow easier than it really was.

I'm just so very tired of it all. I feel like I've spent my life trying to do my best for everyone else and then none of them are there for me. I'm tired of so many broken promises and feel quite empty.

For the last four years I've been trying to make a new life for myself and yet feel in many ways worse off now than when I started. At least then I had some hope, but now there's nothing to drive me forward. I'm struggling to find it in me to keep going and, to be honest, wondering why I ever tried.

Oberon, one of the most miserable times in my life was when I relocated to a new city and wasn't in work there. I'm always a bit when people blithely suggest it on here because it's really, really hard. Sorry, no helpful suggestions beyond the obvious but I think this is definitely about things wrong with your life now rather than things being uniformly better in the past (which they very clearly weren't).

Also I must confess I'd never thought about how hard it might be for a man, where maybe there is more expectation than for women that you already have a life, are self reliant etc, don't perhaps need as many invites for drinks. Don't underestimate how tough the thing you're trying to do is basically.

I read your old post. You really don't need her. You can truely have a fulfilling life with out her.

Have you thought about online dating at all? It can be a good way to meet new people. Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you have always wanted to try but haven't?

Feel free to PM me, my husband went through similar.

Thank you all again :) It is hard, and I don't think I realized just how much it would be so. A part of me thinks that if I'd known in advance what I was in for I would never have left, but just worked at accepting what I had. I seem to have no will any more to carry on, there have just been too many setbacks.

I was probably more vulnerable than I would like to admit for some time (a couple of years of quite intense counselling has helped a bit), and feel like I have invested a lot emotionally in the wrong places, time and energy I cannot now recover. I suppose people see providing any support as demanding, which is fair enough and why I try not to ask, but it's been different when I've been the provider. I spent much of last night on the phone to a very kind lady at Samaritans, who was brilliant at helping me talk about it all, yet she was really just a stranger on the phone. Next time I call it will be someone different. And despite having friends I'm calling a helpline . I don't think I'm in anyone's thoughts right now, which I find hard, but then I feel selfish for thinking that.

I've very much taken advice from here on board in the past, and it's been great. One thing that was suggested to me before was about living as healthily as possible and I do try to eat fairly well. I have kickboxing and intensive workout sessions 2-3 times a week (sometimes more), as well as running. And try other activities too. It has all generally helped, but very recently nothing seems to. I have tried online dating in the past, but didn't have good experiences at all and am now extremely reluctant to try it again. I truly never expected to become so stuck at this point.

Re helplines-don't feel bad about using them, that's what they are there for . Lots of people who have friends and family call them , often because they feel they can't talk to anyone in RL. It's the same on mumsnet . Some times you want to talk to someone who doesn't know you ands no doesn't have their own agenda.

Re meeting people -I see you like sports and running. Why don't you join a local running club -you are more likely to meet women there. Also do you have a local park run ? It's free!! Most parkruns have coffee afterwards and it's a good place to meet people. About a third of the runners are usually female .

Someone else suggested a local film club, which is a great idea .

I see you are out of work -some areas give reduced price or free access adult education classes for people on benefits. Check it out locally.

You need to stop giving headspace to the crazy idea of going back to your ex. Seriously .

I've had good experiences with the Samaritans and Mankind helplines over the years (and was very glad of them again on Friday) it would just make such a difference sometimes if there was someone I knew who was always there, and understood a little bit, like I have been sometimes. I can see that this might be a bit unrealistic though.

I've been looking into running clubs recently as I could do with a running partner in any case (my friends who run don't want to be). The one near me seems very competitive, which may not suit me as I'm really not, but I'll keep looking.

I think a lot of it is that I've spent the last few years making myself get out, meet people, make friends, all very hard going and I really thought it would have settled down for me by now. Every day feels like such an effort, with no apparent end in sight.

I tell you what, there's nothing like a longish spell out of work to make you question the point of existence. Not right, of course, but understandable. It's not being beaten up by a drunken partner that you miss, but being part of a team/family/group, even a dysfunctional one; we are, after all, social animals. It's not just about being needed or wanted, but about pulling in the same direction for a mutual goal. Whether it's running a project, sailing a boat, or bringing up children, everything is a lot easier with fellow travellers giving each other a hand or at the very least a cheery word. You never got that from your ex - just an illusion of it sometimes, in between the worst bits. Going back really wouldn't help. You'd just have to leave all over again, with added "why did I do that to myself?" factor.

You do sound a little depressed, understandably, and of course you are doing all the right things to counteract it. However I wonder whether a trip to the GP might help a bit. It's most likely situational but you might have, oh, I dunno low thyroid or something, which is making it all more of a struggle than it needs to be.

I think the lack of a fellow traveller, not really feeling like part of something, may well be a big part of it. It's like there's some sort of gap or void and I don't really have anything to hold on to. In recent weeks I've been trying some exercises in positive thinking (mostly writing down things to feel positive about or thankful for) that have helped a little bit, but even staying on top of those has been a truggle sometimes.

I've had bad experiences with my GP, but I might try to see a different one at the same practice. The last time he put be on AD's, which I didn't get on at all well with and had to stop taking them. I'm going to try very hard over the next few days to try to 'reset' my mood as much as I can.

Good plan. And I completely agree with Annie's post about 'fellow travellers'; loneliness is the worst feeling in the world and if you're alone, without family and out of work it makes complete sense that you feel like you've got nothing to hold onto. It's a bit of a cliche, but have you looked into volunteering anywhere? You've got the time at the moment, you'd be meeting new people/becoming part of a team, and as an added benefit it's great for when you do get an interview as you've got something good to tell prospective employers about how you've been using your time.

Volunteering is a very good idea, while things have been so up in the air I haven't really focused on anything like that but I will look to see what is available locally (I live in a city so there must be something). In the meantime I've scheduled four intensive workouts for this week as it can't do any harm.

Something that the person at Samaritans said (and someone else reiterated today) is that I may just have reached a point in my own cycle of recovery where I'm actually ready to really move forward in a way in which I haven't been until recently. So what I'm feeling might be partly symptomatic of that (a kind of subconscious frustration in a way). I certainly think it's worth allowing for that possibility.

I understand why you are thinking this way, OP. You've been through a hell of a lot, and you've taken a beating. And being on your own is lonely and takes a long time to get used to. But believe me, the old familiar problems of the past are NOT better than the openness and uncertainty of the future. It's good that your counsellor thinks that this is more the fear of moving forward than a real desire to go backwards as well.

I definitely second what other posters have said: spend your precious time and energy meeting new people and doing new activities. Not everything has to cost money - there are free language lessons, craft courses, all sorts out there in the cities. It just takes a bit of research to find out what's on. And persist - sometimes it takes a few weeks to get to know people at a new activity. You sound really strong, and I'm sure you'll have a whole bunch of new friends in a few months.

Running is ace for managing anxiety, and brilliant for your body too. But it is lonely, so joining a club is a great plan! I wouldn't worry too much about 'competitive' clubs - you're probably better than you think, and many clubs have several different levels so that people can run at their own pace a bit. Maybe mix it up with another sport as well that is more social? Something like martial arts could be great for your confidence, and there's nothing that breaks the ice faster than pretending to punch someone in the face!! And volunteering, as others have said, is great for meeting people - and could help you if you do want to get back to work.

A fear of moving forward is probably a good way of putting it, and given how much change there has been for me in recent years probably not surprising. I think it's certainly something worth directing energy to dealing with.

I already do a martial art (kickboxing), though apart from one evening class, which is really a fitness one, I've been doing mostly one-to-one training. I do feel very nervous about the proper kickboxing classes but as I want to complete at least a first grading this year I'm working up to it. I'm especially concerned about how I might react in sparring, but a friend who knows my history (and has had to overcome similar things herself) has offered to do some with me first so I can get used to it.

Likewise with a running club, I'd be very nervous but I really am working on overcoming that as I do think it will be good for me. I could really do with a running partner in any case. I decided a little while ago to do a 5K or 10K run in the summer, possibly with a friend, so that's something to aim for.

I think that when there aren't any big things to hold on to I try to hold on to the little things. The problem is that little things are never going to be as important to other people (who have their own stuff anyway), and so often get cancelled. I just need to find a way through this phase.

How are you getting on Oberon?