My husband breaks things - long, sorry

[WitchWay]

Oh, where to start. Married over 20 years. When cross breaks things. Often my things. First happened over 15 years ago when he pulled a favourite pair of my knickers to pieces - no he wasn't ripping them off & since then has broken various things including his own briefcase (by stamping on it - god he looked pathetic) & more worryingly three pairs of my spectacles on separate occasions, pulled from my face while I was reading in bed. Once he also destroyed as many of my pairs of single-use contact lenses as he could get his hands on as well - that rather backfired as I had to wear my spare glasses that he doesn't like. He was very remorseful. Last weekend he threw his alarm clock at the wall - cross because he was late getting packed for a trip - all my fault apparently for having a "dinner party" - the friend who was travelling with him stayed the night & we had dinner which I cooked. Wine was drunk. Fun was had. He was disorganised. It missed me by six inches - apparently he wasn't aiming at me, but was just cross. He is still away & I have texted that I'm thinking very carefully about our relationship. He is apparently horrified, loves me so much, needs my support, is very stressed at work (he is - he has loads piling up, but a lot of that is because he just leaves & leaves & leaves stuff till it's so late he's getting into serious trouble). There have been occasional violent acts towards me over the years - pretty low-key & not very often (I know once is too often) & I must admit I've given as good as I've got. I don't want to leave him really - deep down I love him, but I must say I no longer find him particularly attractive - I find his attitude to jobs & the piling up of tasks, including piles (literally) of unprocessed stuff in the house a complete turn-off. He knows this. He knows there'd be sex if he made me happy, made me feel appreciated. I suppose I withhold sex deliberately which is pretty crap especially if we had more sex he'd probably feel more like tackling the other stuff but it seems we've reached an impasse. He tells me he loves me often & effusively. I hardly ever say it to him. I texted yesterday that telling me wasn't enough, he does nothing for me & doesn't show me he loves me. He texted "SORRY!!!" He rang tonight & we had a calm conversation about DS's school project - neither of us mentioned our relationship. We both had affairs around 12 years ago & worked hard to put things right, but I'm not really sure the marriage was ever that good, even before the affairs. My main reason for making the marriage work afterwards was to prevent the OW (my "friend") "winning". The house is a tip & we have to shift piles of his stuff in order to sit on the chairs in the lounge which I hate, so mostly I spend my evenings on the hard chairs at the kitchen table probably getting piles & we hardly ever have visitors because he reckons he's too embarrassed by the mess, yet won't bloody well do anything about it. It's 90% his stuff too - ok I could chuck it out, but I'm frightened about what he might do to my things - I know they're only possessions, but I don't want to risk it. I'm intelligent - how the fuck have I ended up like this? I sound so pathetic.

Thanks Attila. I think I stay because I'm stubborn, because I want to fix it, because I don't want to admit the marriage has failed, because I don't want to divorce while having a dependent child, because I don't want my mother to gloat over the gossip potential, & especially because I'm frightened of the immediate consequences. He has already muttered about the fact I'll probably leave him when DS leaves home so he's not completely oblivious to how much I hate living like this. I'm not worried about being on my own - I enjoy it. I can't see myself as a little old lady pottering around fussing over him.

"Thanks Attila. I think I stay because I'm stubborn, because I want to fix it, because I don't want to admit the marriage has failed, because I don't want to divorce while having a dependent child, because I don't want my mother to gloat over the gossip potential, & especially because I'm frightened of the immediate consequences".

He has caused this to fail by his actions; if blame is to be applied here then he is at fault. Your mistake here was to put up with this from him for so many years in the hope of change.

What immediate consequences?. Are you afraid of his reaction to you saying I want a divorce?.

None of the above are in any way good reasons to stay and your child also wont thank you for staying with your H either. Infact he likely wonders why you have put up with him for so many years.

You have I think tried to rescue, fix and or save him and it simply has not worked. You cannot save someone who does not want to be rescued and or saved; he has turned your nurturing and kind nature against you and its worked against you as well. He is and was never your project to rescue and or save.

I almost feel it has a gone on for so long then what's the point of divorce now? I ought to have left years & years ago & feel embarrassed that I haven't. The consequences most likely would be destruction of my stuff.

Ok you did not leave years ago but there is no point at all in compounding that error and further punishing yourself into the bargain by not leaving now. Divorce is an option; what is the point of staying with such a man at all?. Its never too late to leave and you have stayed to date for your own reasons.

Destruction of your stuff as other posters have correctly surmised is domestic violence. What further stuff of yours would be destroyed; get it all away from him.

I think once you are free of him the rebuilding of your life can begin and also you won't have the fear of having him break your stuff up. I would also suggest you talk this through with Womens Aid as well.

Witchway people keep talking to you about his deeply sinister forms of violence towards you and you keep answering in terms of the house being a mess. But I think you know what the real problem is because it's in your thread title.

You can get help to make a secret plan to get away without incurring further violence, but you have to want to do it.

Breaking your personal possessions is a form of domestic violence. Get out. Now.

Op you could collect together you important things and store them out of the house where he can't access them. In your car boot for example. Or if you work, in a locker or desk you can lock. If you have none of those you can hire a storage unit and put the stuff there.

You can use the time while he's away to do this. While you plan to escape you could just keep the bare minimum with you.

Oh and please don't waste your time off trying to tackle his hoard. You said it's 90% his stuff. Don't waste your energy on it.

Focus on creating a new future for yourself and your son.

My ex used to smash stuff up, nasty bastard that he was. It's controlling, threatening and very abusive. You deserve more and your son definitely deserves more. Stop kidding yourself he is going to change. People like this don't change, well maybe for the worse.

Hi op

Sometimes the state of a home can indicate the state of a persons mind or their relationship also.

I grew up with a dad that smashed up stuff and furniture, I'm ashamed to say I did the same up until a few years back, on a much smaller scale mind. As part of my training I went through 70hrs of personal therapy and saw the reasons why I did it, a lot of it was learnt behaviour, and modified it so I no longer do it and talk instead.

Ripping your glasses off your face and deliberately breaking them (and more than once!) is vicious, vindictive behaviour. And he has been directly violent to you too... this is a scary, nasty controlling man and mess is the least of your issues.

Saying that, if you either leave or kick him out, that would be the easiest way to get shot of his clutter, as well as this nasty man...

How are you feeling now witch?

Instead of thinking of the problems, tell us what you wan hour life to be like.

In an ideal world I'd live in a small house or cottage with a walled, paved garden. There is so much clutter here that I'm living in the equivalent of a small house already. I'd be happy to live alone. I'd want people to stay once or twice every three months & to have people round for dinner roughly once a month.

Apparently he wants all of those things too, just isn't prepared to facilitate it.

Op, it sounds like he just tells you what you want to hear.

Your future could be lovely. You don't need him our his baggage, emotional or physical.

If you leave now you will give your child the opportunity of living in a good home, without an abuser.
Do you want your child to live in the influence of this man, till he leaves home?

Sounds lovely. How do you think you old feel in the cottage?

He sounds vile. Aside from all the hoarding, he breaks your stuff and throws stuff that will, be sure of it, one day hit you. Not a nice person.

WitchWay is your DH home now? Have you had a talk about what happened while he was packing?

If it were me, I would ask him why he thought I should remain in the marriage. Then I would just listen and take note of how much of his reply is about him, and how much is about you and what you want in life.

Is he aware that you could have reported the incident to the police, and still could?

You mention in one of your posts your reasons for not wanting a divorce. My view is that marriages don't "fail", they end when one or both parties find that it no longer suits the person you have become, or that the other person is not now the partner you want. Also, many children have separated parents; it isn't a stigma, and many are better off in many ways, particularly if the is an abusive relationship playing out, as there is in your house. You mention what your mother would think; do you really think it is ok to let other people (or your prediction of what other people will think) determine how you live your life?

I get the impression that lots of posters are telling you that he won't change, but you still think he will. Is that wishful thinking or have you got evidence from the past that he has compromised on things he wants/does to suit what you would like?

Insomniac he'll be home this evening. He does do some lovely things for me, treats & surprises, but there is never any compromise on the way things are done day to day. He works very hard, long & irregular hours & his job is stressful & responsible. All the house stuff takes a back seat & he hardly ever gets round to fixing anything, even though he's perfectly capable of doing all sorts of DIY. He says the reason he is awkward at home is because he's had to be compliant at work all day, so having his wife asking nagging about what time he would like to eat, for example ,just makes him cross. He wastes spends his leisure time mostly on the laptop & every time he has a week off he insists on going away, rather than staying at home to do home jobs which are boring. He has a horror of "turning into your parents" - as in my DPs because a lot of their time was/is (just DM left now) spent having/attending dinner parties He was cross the other night because I'd "insisted on having a dinner party & ought to have just made something quick & simple". It was just dinner, the same sort of stuff I usually cook but with a nicer pudding & of course the friend was here & we had a couple of bottles of wine. As usual, if he'd been better organised, he would have been packed - that was my fault apparently as the night before I'd wanted to go to bed at 11pm & he'd had to clear his unpacked stuff off the bed. The reason he packs on the bed is because there is nowhere else to do it because of the mess. Everything that is his fault because of his disorganisation is blamed on someone else, even things like late paperwork etc - amazingly other people seem to get around to doing it but not him. Drives me berserk & bizarrely I then feel responsible for it as it makes me anxious so I then ask nag about it which is counterproductive

It sounds like he's better off alone and only coming by when he feels like it. Or you allow him.

The treats and surprises are only to keep you happy while he's acting like a twat. They mean nothing.
He has no respect for you or the family and treats you as you are there to serve him, to live your life around him.

Can you be the one to move out OP? Just, if he's a hoarder he will never ever sort through and pack up his stuff, and he won't let you throw anything away. You could be left in a shit hole while he 'sorts himself out' ie a handy storage unit for all his crap. Make a fresh start.

Also the focus he has on breaking your glasses and contact lenses is horrible. Like he wants you to be helpless, struggling to see. Nasty.

Could you just burn all these piles of paper? And move out?

If you are worried about the consequences, and can afford to do so, move your possessions into a storage facility until you go. Then he can't break them.

I too find his braking your glasses/lenses really horrible and frightening. He is taking away your ability to see properly; effectively disabling you out of spite and anger. Also I don't buy this "I have to be compliant all day so when I get home..." Anyone who has a boss (most of us) have to be compliant all day. You just suck it up and get on with it. You don't take it home with you.

breaking

You say you want to make the marriage work, but to be honest I don't see how you can if he won't change /get help. He says he is sorry but doesn't actually do anything to remedy the situation.
Don't think about what other people would say/the gossip. What about you. Do you still love him? Is this how you want you and your children to live?
I would consider taking glasses off your face and smashing them an act of DV to be honest. So from that point of view alone I would recommend you separate as it isn't a safe or healthy environment for you and your children to live in.