My husband breaks things - long, sorry

[WitchWay]

Oh, where to start. Married over 20 years. When cross breaks things. Often my things. First happened over 15 years ago when he pulled a favourite pair of my knickers to pieces - no he wasn't ripping them off & since then has broken various things including his own briefcase (by stamping on it - god he looked pathetic) & more worryingly three pairs of my spectacles on separate occasions, pulled from my face while I was reading in bed. Once he also destroyed as many of my pairs of single-use contact lenses as he could get his hands on as well - that rather backfired as I had to wear my spare glasses that he doesn't like. He was very remorseful. Last weekend he threw his alarm clock at the wall - cross because he was late getting packed for a trip - all my fault apparently for having a "dinner party" - the friend who was travelling with him stayed the night & we had dinner which I cooked. Wine was drunk. Fun was had. He was disorganised. It missed me by six inches - apparently he wasn't aiming at me, but was just cross. He is still away & I have texted that I'm thinking very carefully about our relationship. He is apparently horrified, loves me so much, needs my support, is very stressed at work (he is - he has loads piling up, but a lot of that is because he just leaves & leaves & leaves stuff till it's so late he's getting into serious trouble). There have been occasional violent acts towards me over the years - pretty low-key & not very often (I know once is too often) & I must admit I've given as good as I've got. I don't want to leave him really - deep down I love him, but I must say I no longer find him particularly attractive - I find his attitude to jobs & the piling up of tasks, including piles (literally) of unprocessed stuff in the house a complete turn-off. He knows this. He knows there'd be sex if he made me happy, made me feel appreciated. I suppose I withhold sex deliberately which is pretty crap especially if we had more sex he'd probably feel more like tackling the other stuff but it seems we've reached an impasse. He tells me he loves me often & effusively. I hardly ever say it to him. I texted yesterday that telling me wasn't enough, he does nothing for me & doesn't show me he loves me. He texted "SORRY!!!" He rang tonight & we had a calm conversation about DS's school project - neither of us mentioned our relationship. We both had affairs around 12 years ago & worked hard to put things right, but I'm not really sure the marriage was ever that good, even before the affairs. My main reason for making the marriage work afterwards was to prevent the OW (my "friend") "winning". The house is a tip & we have to shift piles of his stuff in order to sit on the chairs in the lounge which I hate, so mostly I spend my evenings on the hard chairs at the kitchen table probably getting piles & we hardly ever have visitors because he reckons he's too embarrassed by the mess, yet won't bloody well do anything about it. It's 90% his stuff too - ok I could chuck it out, but I'm frightened about what he might do to my things - I know they're only possessions, but I don't want to risk it. I'm intelligent - how the fuck have I ended up like this? I sound so pathetic.

Witch I like the idea of sprinkling some happy dust about. Might try that over here . Seriously, your post rang bells for me. When I saw my GP a few times about DH who was acting along similar lines he said some relationships are too damaged to save, but ours wasn't one. That struck home and I decided to try better to understand DH and support him through his illness but also set some boundaries (in my head) which if crossed would mean I'd show him the door. Only you can know if you have reached the point of no return. Good luck whatever you decide.

Breaking things, especially ones that belong to you, is one of the things listed in the official definition of domestic abuse.

I'm not really sure what to suggest. I would say ltb, but I get the feeling that's not what you are looking for?

Yes, mumatwork I sometimes look at him & see him as someone who needs helping & I know he just doesn't know where to start with the mess - he once admitted it, but am so cross with how things are generally I can't bring myself to do it. Must try harder...

Rhonda agree, I don't want to leave, I just want it fixing - not sure that's possible though

I don't think it is, not until and unless he accepts there is a problem there.

Sorry I'm not being more helpful.

He sounds horrible, sorry.

Destroying a load of single use contact lenses sounds hugely vindictively abusive to me - worse than him chucking (your) stuff around (Not that chucking your stuff around is acceptable either, obviously).

Just because you have put up with it till now, doesn't make it too late to decide that you don't want to live with someone who can't control his own anger and spite. If you don't want to go, you need to both be in counselling. I wonder if that will bring you out deciding it is over anyway... but it is probably your best route either way.

He pulled your glasses off your face ffs. That's a nasty violent act. He wanted you blind.

He's sounds unstable and maybe having a break down you can't live like this

you could give him an ultimatum

Or run for the hills either way you are asking for help and support, that in my book is a bloody good start

Wishing you the courage to choose the life you want

It's not fixable. Because this man is a shit. Was your father violent, or previous boyfriends? Someone, somewhere, taught you that you don't matter, or that men must always be obeyed and indulged, or that anything is better than being single, and none of it's true.

You'll have to tread carefully while you plan your exit, though. A man who's got away with this kind of spiteful violence for years will escalate fast and dangerously if he thinks he's about to lose control.

Destroying your knickers, glasses, contact lenses is chilling. These items are so personal to you, for different reasons, that they are almost part of you. Your sight, FGS. He sounds like he's barely containing hatred for you, and it doesn't tally with his words.
The fact that you're frightened to do or say things in your own home with your own partner is a big deal. This is where and with whom you should feel safest and most supported.
Does he do this sort of thing to other people? Or just to you?

Congratulations on winning!

He values you as much as you value yourself, which isn't much considering that you have stayed in this situation for so long. Aren't you worth more than this?

Stop asking or speculating why he does these unacceptable things and start asking why you put up with it. Waiting for him to change has got you where you are today, its about bloody time you took the reigns to your own life. Go back to individual counselling and start valuing yourself because you have been grossly short changed, by him and yourself.

Good luck.

He destroys your things, and his things in a very childish way. He throws things that miss you by inches. He damages things that you need, like your glasses and contact lenses. He blames you for his actions.

It's not your fault, and I very much doubt he is depressed. If he is, he should seek help and you should be away anyway, for your physical safety and peace of mind.

You should really try harder to disengage from this man and get rid of him.

Op you do need out of this relationship.
Your husband is a abusuing you but I think you already know that already.
This no way for you and your son to live.
It is not your fault that your husband is this way.
you don't deserve for him to treat you that way and you shouldn't have to live in fear of what will happen if you were to put stuff in the bin.

Your OP is chilling, and some things stand out to me.

You say that he says he loves you, but it sounds like you have realised that words are cheap and he doesn't show you that he does. I agree, it doesn't sound like his actions are driven by love.

On the subject of love, you say you really love him, and see to think that the natural thing is therfore to continue being married. I disagree, you sound miserable and frightened, and even though you do love him I would say this sounds like a case where love just isn't enough. Does this relationship, on balance, really make you happy more than it makes you sad/scared/frustrated?

You say you don't know how you, an intelligent woman, ended up here. You are not alone! Many intelligent women end up subject to domestic abuse, gradually accepting things that if they were presented with on a list at the start of the relationship, they would say of course they wouldn't tolerate. I would say don't focus on the part, or on your DH: you can't change either of those (and he won't change, by the way, why should he? I bet he has you doing 99% of house/child/life jobs too, does he? ) The only things you can change are you, and your future.

You texted him that you were considering your relationship. Think about his reply: HE loves you, HE needs your support, HE is busy at work .... It's all about him isn't it? Sounds like he sees you not as WitchWay, but as HIS wife. Maybe he does love you, as he says, but I wouldn't value that sort of love very highly.

Think about your future, and assume while you do it that he won't change from how he is now. Do you want a future with him?

It is very damaging for a child to live through this behaviour.
I lived with an abusive idiot for 5 years. We had a child very young.
The damage that happens day in day out is not healthy for a child to witness.
I wish I had left much sooner.
The damage had already been done.
I regret that everyday.

I now have a very loving repectful marriage.
What a difference it's made to my life.

Move on op.
I know it's scary. But you will look back and wish you had done it sooner.
At the moment you haven't "won"

Very good post by 4amInsomniac

The love you have for him sounds more like Stockholm syndrome. You're existing and 'getting through it' rather than living.

While you're just existing you're missing out on properly living. It does seem daunting to undo the whole thing but one step at a time. You can do it.

I am also chilled by the destruction of your glasses and contact lenses. It's so cruel and vindictive and personal.
He's happy as long as you stay in your place. He sees you as a 'thing' to function for his convenience.

Start making plans Op to get OUT.

Hi op

If you stay eventually you will add in to the mix, possible ds gf's marriage and grandchildren, all of which won't be allowed to visit because of the state of the house and him most of all.
Kids learn by example this becomes their life template for future behaviour, god forbid your son picks up any of his traits in the future.

Tell me is this what you want for your son, Yet alone you, you've given him no reason to change, it's been you doing all the changing. I would have chucked him out with his crap, if he can't shape up he needs to ship out.

I suppose I've stayed because I'm given hope when he says things will improve, the mess will be tackled blah blah, except nothing has changed. Money worries me - I work & earn well but our mortgage is enormous - I can't see how it could all be sorted out, although I know logically that it could be. I suppose I want back the charming fun sexy man who wooed me I have a couple of weeks off very soon & am steeling myself to attack the mess & sod the consequences - he is actually much tidier than I which makes it all the more ridiculous. You've all been very kind - I'm ashamed to admit no-one has told me anything I didn't already know I know it's a poor example for DS - he gets as frustrated as I do about it all. He has seen his dad wrecking his own stuff & thinks it pathetic. He has never seen him destroying anything of mine.

Your son has seen him destroy things of yours

Your self esteem for one.

I've stayed because I'm given hope when he says things will improve

After 20 years?

What on earth is the point of trying to tackle the mess in the house, except as a displacement activity? There are several things you could be doing in your time off that would be more productive for you - having some leisure time for one. Can you go away for a few days?

I will be going away for a couple of days trib
He says things like "we need to tackle the mess" & once admitted that he didn't know where to start. He hates the fact that I'm much more ruthless with things like old birthday cards & similar crap - he'd keep it all, but accepts that this is a bit ridiculous. If I can make a noticeable improvement then perhaps the ball would be started rolling - perhaps? I'm sounding pathetic again I just want my house back & to feel happy & comfortable in it. I'd then feel more favourably inclined towards him I think.

After 20 years things have not improved and will not do so. This is how he likes to live and the power and control balance is still very much in his favour. The charming man who wooed you was a mirage.

I think you are codependent and that state is never healthy within a relationship. His behaviour is abusive and you have subsumed your own needs at great cost to yourself. Reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie would be a good start to rebuilding your own life after 20 years with this man and I think your son would be pleased to that you may now finally get rid of this millstone around your neck.

You still have a choice re this man or do you also stay because of fear of the unknown or being on your own?. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?.