I don't know what to do. my opinion of "d"p has totally changed.

[charleyturtle]

Sorry this might be long, I am very confused and have nobody to talk to so I need to just get it all out.

At the weekend DP went out with his friends for "just a few drinks" I had to stay in with the baby as we couldn't get a baby sitter. I woke up in the night and he wasn't home, this was about 4am. I sent him a txt saying I was worried and could he tell me where he was/ when he would be home. I wasn't too worried as sometimes our friends stay at eachothers houses after a night out (we are the only ones with kids so everyone elses houses are a little more relaxed). Anyway baby wakes up at 6 (normal time) and dp still isn't home. not wanting to upset the baby I stayed calm made breakfast and tried calling dp 3 times. I also sent a txt. As I pressed "send" a taxi pulled up and dp got out clearly still drunk. I saw him stand outside on our drive playing on his phone, I assumed reading my txt.

When he came in he seemed really surprised that we were all up. I thought this was odd as he must have seen my calls and txts and baby always gets up at the same time. I asked him where he was and he said he had fallen asleep when with his friends and was very annoyed that none of them had woken him up. But when I questioned hi again his story changed and he said that he didn't go to sleep at all, and went to another friends house. I told him I was annoyed with him for staying out all night and sent him to bed.

I was pretty suspicious so I looked at his phone (I know I shouldn't have) and his call history was open. I saw he called the taxi company only 15 mins before he got home. The place he said he slept is a 30 min drive away so that had to be a lie. I had to find out more so I looked at his messages there was two to a girl from his work that he had sent moments before getting in the door (must have been what he was doing when I saw him outside) they read something like "I'm really sorry, I need to take some time to think." and "I can't jeopardise the relationship I have with the mother of my child. I'm sorry".

Of course I was livid. so I called her, she ended up telling me that dp had come back to her house and tried to kiss her. but that was it.

I don't know what to do. I have confronted him. He admitted it and apologised and since then he has been very helpful with the baby and the house and seems to really be sorry. But I don't know if I can trust him again. This was the last thing I thought would happen when I saw he wasn't home. I trusted him so much I just assumed it would be something else. If he hadn't tripped up in his lie I would never have known. I have been open with him about my feelings and told him that I am looking for flats for me and the baby and I wold like him to think about how much he would be willing to contribute to the baby, both financially and in contact time. He cries and says he is sorry, he wasn't thinking etc etc. I don't think that's good enough. I think if he cared about us he would have thought about what this would do to us before going to another girls house. This is not the man I fell in love with.

You're right - if he loved you he wouldn't have gone to her house...but where you are wrong is considering that any of this could be your fault :( Unmumsnetty ((OP))

He keeps saying its his fault not mine, it wasn't anything i did, but he wont give me an answer ad to why he did it. If he loves me as be says he does he wouldn't have done that would he?

That's a step in the right direction, but there is something flawed in you thinking you've 'let yourself go' and then 'driven' him to it - your sense of guilt.

Try and separate that from the way he is with you and the baby - yes you feel crap, a lot of women do for a while and have PND and this is completely fixable with drugs and support.

But it's nothing to do with the way he treats you. A lot of men don't connect with being a father at first, as others have said here, but if his heart is really in the relationship he would be putting you both first before his personal satisfaction. I think he's still behaving like a single man and this needs to change asap.

He needs to show his commitment to you in a very big way, right now.

Sorry if that was a bit garbled. I'm basically trying to say, yes, it's hard for everyone, but that's something that should bring you together not drive you apart.

The other thing is that if he's spending a lot of time out with single friends it won't be helping.

No , it's not your fault at all . If he hadn't gone to her house , but instead had gone out on a crime spree , you wouldn't have blamed yourself for it. Your not ever responsible for someone else's behaviour. This is about what's wrong with him , not you. Don't take it on , it's very damaging. Many stunning film stars get cheated on , it's not about the betrayed , it's about the unfaithful, and the things that are wrong with them.

Everyone wants an explanation of why . Often it's as simple as they wanted to and they didn't think they would be found out. If you push it , asking why , you might start hearing lame excuses like I was depressed , I had a bad childhood ect.

It's my view that these things are caused by a whole range of things , low self esteem , poor boundaries , being flattered , family history , lack of good father figure , wanting to be liked ect.

It might be helpful to look at the bigger picture. Is this a bigger symptom of his overall character , or is it very out of character? Is he generally selfish , entitled , does he take more than he gives ? Does he always put himself first and you second ? Is he comfortable with lying , to family and friends ?
Is he egotistical , concerned with image ? What's he like with finances , is he fair ? You might discover he has always been selfish , and that this is simply a culmination of that selfishness.

It's entirely possible that he thought that it would be okay to do this because she was leaving work anyway and so he wouldn't have to see her again. It may be that she wanted more than a one night stand and that's what the texts were about.

"i know i have been difficult to live with, i have felt so down since i was pregnant and i have put on weight and let myself go."

It's no wonder you've been feeling down when you live with a selfish little man who thinks it's okay to leave all the child-care to you. And why on earth should you have been making his life even easier when he's already doing as little as he can possibly get away with?