I don't know what to do. my opinion of "d"p has totally changed.

[charleyturtle]

Sorry this might be long, I am very confused and have nobody to talk to so I need to just get it all out.

At the weekend DP went out with his friends for "just a few drinks" I had to stay in with the baby as we couldn't get a baby sitter. I woke up in the night and he wasn't home, this was about 4am. I sent him a txt saying I was worried and could he tell me where he was/ when he would be home. I wasn't too worried as sometimes our friends stay at eachothers houses after a night out (we are the only ones with kids so everyone elses houses are a little more relaxed). Anyway baby wakes up at 6 (normal time) and dp still isn't home. not wanting to upset the baby I stayed calm made breakfast and tried calling dp 3 times. I also sent a txt. As I pressed "send" a taxi pulled up and dp got out clearly still drunk. I saw him stand outside on our drive playing on his phone, I assumed reading my txt.

When he came in he seemed really surprised that we were all up. I thought this was odd as he must have seen my calls and txts and baby always gets up at the same time. I asked him where he was and he said he had fallen asleep when with his friends and was very annoyed that none of them had woken him up. But when I questioned hi again his story changed and he said that he didn't go to sleep at all, and went to another friends house. I told him I was annoyed with him for staying out all night and sent him to bed.

I was pretty suspicious so I looked at his phone (I know I shouldn't have) and his call history was open. I saw he called the taxi company only 15 mins before he got home. The place he said he slept is a 30 min drive away so that had to be a lie. I had to find out more so I looked at his messages there was two to a girl from his work that he had sent moments before getting in the door (must have been what he was doing when I saw him outside) they read something like "I'm really sorry, I need to take some time to think." and "I can't jeopardise the relationship I have with the mother of my child. I'm sorry".

Of course I was livid. so I called her, she ended up telling me that dp had come back to her house and tried to kiss her. but that was it.

I don't know what to do. I have confronted him. He admitted it and apologised and since then he has been very helpful with the baby and the house and seems to really be sorry. But I don't know if I can trust him again. This was the last thing I thought would happen when I saw he wasn't home. I trusted him so much I just assumed it would be something else. If he hadn't tripped up in his lie I would never have known. I have been open with him about my feelings and told him that I am looking for flats for me and the baby and I wold like him to think about how much he would be willing to contribute to the baby, both financially and in contact time. He cries and says he is sorry, he wasn't thinking etc etc. I don't think that's good enough. I think if he cared about us he would have thought about what this would do to us before going to another girls house. This is not the man I fell in love with.

He sounds contrite but you had done all the detective work, he didn't come home and confess all did he. The two stories don't quite match up on a very major point, who pursued whom. Which of them had more to lose by telling the truth?

Having lied he has already shown you he can be economical with the truth. If he sent that text about "not jeopardising" your relationship, he was too late for that. It's hanging by a thread if not already expired. On a scale of "jeopardising" and "nuking" he seemed confident this would be recoverable. He must have thought you'd be too soft to even notice.

When a partner is attracted to a colleague you know they are going to be in close proximity 5 days a week let alone weekend jaunts. If he wants to convince you there'll be no contact and no repeat with anyone else he is going to have to do more than blub and "help out" because he got caught out. He is either crying for what he did to hurt you or he is just sorry for himself. Which is it?

You have been brave OP and I think you deserve better.

Call his bluff. Say you've spoke to her and she's told you everything.

This. only this and then WAIT. Say nothing, arms folded, wait.

refuse to talk to him until he answers your question.

that woman is lying through her arse too. If she was the one that was repelling HIM, then why is his message saying he's sorry and that HE needs time to think?

Why would he not apologise for making an uninvited advance?

Why would she not tell him to go if she wasn't interested in him, and if his attempted kiss was not welcome?

they are BOTH lying.

Oh dear, this is terrible OP, I feel for you. No real advice to give you but if everything else is good in your relationship, I hope you can both find a way to get trust and honesty back.

You deserve much better than a liar who treats you like a domestic appliance.
Why is it all your responsibility when you are inside the house. What happens when hes there and you need to take a bath or a shower.?

He was already treating you as lesser than him before his "indisgretion" He was already telling you who he is before his night out.

Do you get any nights out or leisure time?

Does anyone know how I can try to move on? Is it even possible? My head is an absolute mess

Everyone deals with this kind of thing differently.
And only you can know what you want.
Unfortunately, you are currently in shock so you need to take your time.
Things need to sink in and you need some head space to try to understand everything.
Best thing is for him to understand loss and for you to get that head space.
That means he needs to move out for a few days/few weeks, which ever you feel most comfortable with.
You need to take control of the situation.
It's up to YOU want you want to happen.

There will be women on here who have just carried on and brushed it under the carpet.
Others will have done the above and then there is a lot more chance of a good reconciliation.
For me!? I tried to forgive and forget but it only tool a day or so after he returned to realise I just would never feel the same about him again and that he wasn't the man I thought he was. He never would be again and I cut my losses.
There is no right or wrong, everyone is different.
Everyone has different boundaries/deal breakers.
You need to find yours but not with him there in your head the whole time.

If and when he returns, he returns on your terms. That means he shares the parenting and the housework and the effort to make your relationship work.

Keep posting for support - so many of us have been where you are.
But.... take your time.

OP how long have you been together and is this yours and his first and only child? It makes a difference as he might not have taken on board the commitment and responsibility thing yet. if it's your first and the baby is young it can be a period of adjustment. Part of him still thinks he's a single care-free man. The question is whether that will change forever now that he has made this big mistake or whether he will just try and pretend it's not happened.

I would like to see at the very least a very deep discussion with him, over a long evening, to see him commit to you and your child fully. This is how you will work out whether he is here forever and you can trust him again, or whether he will always want to be 'free'.

Thankyou everyone for your replies. You have all been really helpful.

i don't really get to have many nights out, but i have been feeling very low since... Well before i had the baby. So that is probably my own fault as i don't often want to go out. My friend did txt me today though to arrange a girls night, i think i might try and make the extra effort to go this time. Normally i would stay in as dp and i only have 2 evenings a week together.

when i confronted dp i said to him "i have just been on the phone with X, she told me a very different story to yours. Is there anything you would like to change?" he just stuck to his story. When i said that she is saying he came on to her he said "i don't remember that, i thought she came on to me, she asked if we should go upstairs and i said nothing would happen" as she had only told me a slightly different story i couldn't come back with much.

she has now left where they work (everyone was out for her leaving do) so i have stated that if i ever get over this or not, they are to stay out of each others lives no matter what.

we have been together about 4 years. The baby is just over 1. I know at first he had a lot of trouble adjusting to father hood, but i hoped he was past that.

when he is there i don't often need to do things ( i get up an hour before the baby so i can get ready and do housework in peace) but if it does happen i have to ask him to take the baby or just get on with what i need to do while entertaining baby. Which i admitt i hate
.

when he is there i don't often need to do things ( i get up an hour before the baby so i can get ready and do housework in peace) but if it does happen i have to ask him to take the baby or just get on with what i need to do while entertaining baby. Which i admitt i hate

You shouldnt have to ask

He sees childcare as womens work.

What do you mean by 'had a lot of trouble adjusting to fatherhood'?

And what do you mean by you hate asking him to take the baby - why? Doesn't he WANT to hold his baby?

I've experienced the same Op , when I read your comments about tried to kiss , who came on to who , shall we go upstairs , it made me feel sick. It's literally word for word what happened here. Ugh.

Definitely go out with your friend. Does he think you never get any offers ? Cheeky fucker. He will have to do more with the baby when he's having her on his own for weekends on access weekends won't he.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks it is acceptable to go back to a females house alone after a night out???
The intent was there. That's enough for me

What a horrible thing to happen, OP. I am sending you hugs.

I worked with a guy like him. He was always planning ways of getting back to his carefree single life, despite having a young child - he'd come into my office and tell me how he planned to lie to his wife about going away for work, but really to be in Ibiza with the lads. I felt so sorry for his wife and young daughter.

I think what you need now is time apart from him to get your head around this and figure out where you go from here. Is there any way you can get him to leave for a bit so that you can have some space?

When I read your first post I did wonder if DP were your baby's father, because it didn't sound as though he was entirely invested in her. When you said later that you have known him for years and been a couple for four years it appears he is her bio father but not a very hands-on dad.

PND is not easy to get past OP, having a baby is tough enough by itself and you say your friends aren't yet parents so you are trailblazing effectively. Is that what you meant by DP taking a while to adjust to fatherhood? Like horsetowater says, it's certainly a big life change and things we take for granted like sleep and personal space, let alone health and/or finances can undergo a big jolt.

But your little girl is one now, he has had time to acclimatise. You had to hit the ground running when DD arrived but for some reason he wasn't on the same page. Two evenings a week together doesn't sound like much, is one of you on shift work?

I trusted him so much that is what we expect when we settle down and start a family. May I ask OP are you each other's first 'serious' partner? I am just wondering if he is as emotionally mature as you are.

Take some time out, process how you feel about him and your relationship, don't rush into any decisions.

I'd take some comfort in the text saying he didn't want to jeopardise his relationship with you. He still fucked up to get to the point of having to write it though. Only you can know if it's a deal breaker and whether the relationship you had before this is worth saving.

He said he didn't want to jeopardise the relationship with the mother of his child not girlfriend, not wife, partner.

Very telling.

I'm sorry OP
This sounds to me like a lot has gone on and maybe for some time.
I believe its come to crunch time with them and maybe she has asked for more.
He doesn't want to jeopardise the relationship with his wife, but the mother of his child.
That to me speaks volumes.
I'm so sorry, but I'm sure this isn't just an attempt at a kiss.

I hate asking him to watch the baby because I hate that I have to ask. I would have thought it would be obvious to him that I cant do 10 things at once but he will just sit there as im trying to put out washing and stop the baby climbing all over me until I say "DP, Im really struggling here can you help?" I don't think I should have to point that out to him.

Is there a problem with him bonding with the baby or is it that he's busy playing a computer game or something?

I think at first he had trouble bonding because he went back to work so quickly. then baby really didn't like him and only wanted me which made it worse.

since I went back to work things started getting better because he has to look after her 2 days a week. We both work shifts so that's why we don't spend much time together.

dp has only had one other gf before me. I have been in other long term relationships but never really serious (like never lived with anyone). I don't know if any of this makes sense or is relevant but im just trying to paint a picture.

Charley, it may help you to know that my DDs DP was a bit if nightmare when DD was teeny. She also wasn't a massive fan of him.

It turned out that it was actually because he was terrified he wasn't a good enough dad and would do the wrong thing. Now she's bigger and not so delicate he's brilliant with her. He's also the favourite now

Irrelevant but may give you hope re that part of it all

That's exactly what I need - a picture of what's going on. So things are better because he has to look after her 2 days a week and he's learned how to do it. But when you're together he thinks you should be doing everything?

It sounds like something is very wrong - it's up to you both to decide whether or not you want to put it right. It's OK for him to not bond initially, it's OK for him to be a bit of a bloke, but it's not OK for him to have a wandering eye and to ignore you if you need help. It should be a partnership that's based on trust and respect. Ideally.

I think this fling he's had or not had is a bit of a red herring and not the root cause of the problem, just a symptom of a general problem that he has.

The "i can't risk my relationship with the mother of my child text" sort of points to him having slept with her and now telling her it can't happen again pretty much. Ie he can't have an affair in case you find out.

Sounds like things are missing to me

If all you are to him is 'the mother of [his] child' you have very big problems OP.

Yeah i agree i didn't like being referred to as just the mother of his child. He could have said fiancé, partner, gf or even just my name. She does know who i am so my name would even make sense.

you lot have been so helpful. I'm really grateful, i don't have anyone to talk to in real life so you have made me feel stronger and less alone and isolated.

i know i have been difficult to live with, i have felt so down since i was pregnant and i have put on weight and let myself go. I have Tried my best for the baby to seem happy. But i keep wondering, was this my fault? If id kept the weight off and dressed nicer and done more, would this never have happened? He keeps saying its his fault not mine, it wasn't anything i did, but he wont give me an answer ad to why he did it. If he loves me as be says he does he wouldn't have done that would he?