Dh seems to have only two modes - nice or aggressive

[BrightLightsAtNight]

Often, he's nice, funny and sensitive but if he gets even slightly annoyed about something, he goes into full aggressive mode.
I can handle it and think he's just being a twat but yet again, I have to face neighbours this morning after he's had a go at somebody about something stupid.
A kid kicked a ball that hit his car while I was out. Ok, so the kid needed to be told to not kick a ball so it hits cars, but dh goes into full lunatic mode and has a go at the parents for being irresponsible and not teaching their child manners etc.

I'm so embarrassed. I can't face the neighbours across the road either after a huge row one night because they parked a car across our drive and now I've got the school run to face and I know the mum will be there. I don't know if she'll want to talk to me or not but I feel shit about it.

I had a huge argument last night with dh after he told me what happened because I think he over reacts. He thinks he's just protecting whats his. Even in our argument, he was swearing and angry as he felt I wasn't supporting him. I tell him that he doesn't realise how aggressive he comes across. He has no diplomacy skills whatsoever.
I don't know what to do as I'm fed up of it.

Does this man ever throw one of his tantrums when the person who has 'annoyed' him is bigger, stronger and more socially powerful than him, or is it always women, children and people easy to intimidate who are his targets?
Because the sort of people who can be properly helped by anger management are the ones who have never learned to control their anger - they lash out indiscriminately and often take on people just as angry, who hurt them back. Your H doesn't sound like one of those, just an ordinary selfish bully.
There is, of course, the possiblity that he will start roaring and stamping at someone who looks small and helpless but who is actually tough enough to report him to the police for threatening behaviour and/or a breach of the peace. He could end up arrested, charged, convicted, fined, even sent to prison if he persists in bullying other people and behaving aggressively. Have you tried pointing this out to him?

OP, it's like I share your life. It's like the very core of them is set in stone. It is nothing to do with how they feel about you, it's about their right to have their possessions respected. When that red mist descends anything you do or say is pointless.
I understand that posters feel you can have a nice sensible discussion, but in my case and probably yours too, this simply doesn't work.

The strange thing is that lots of good qualities can go hand in hand with this attitude and our neighbours get on well with DH; I think he may be regarded as a bit eccentric so they are slightly wary.
I don't have young children now so that is not a problem in my case.
I don't think your DH will change OP, because he believes that he has right on his side and he is entitled to his opinion.
I think you have to know that YOU are not defined by his behaviour, he is. I laugh sometimes and tell mine he's ridiculous: call him Victor Meldrew; has no effect though.
Does he come from a large family OP?

Sorry, lots of cross posts. I may be wrong OP but I feel that a lot of posters are not really grasping your DH's personality. I doubt he is a bully and I bet he would challenge anyone, no matter how big.
Of course I could be wrong.

Bitofkipper I'm so glad you posted. I think you totally get this. I call dh Victor Mildrew too. Everything you've said is spot on except dh is an only child (he had a brother who sadly passed away as a child). There are some neighbours who he really gets on.

Finola No, he doesn't lose it at work.

SolidGoldBrass the incident 2 yrs ago with the parking across the drive was awful. The neighbours were having a bit of a do and someone parked across our drive. Dh told them to move their car so they did. Later someone else parked across the drive. Dh waited for a bit to see if they would move and was getting really riled. They didn't so he went out and confronted 2 big men, another got involved. I thought there was going to be a punch up. So in answer to your question, no, he doesn't just pick on smaller people. Its anyone who has shown disrespect to his property, in his opinion.

He actually held back once when next door had a 90yr old visitor who decided to walk up the drive using our car as support. I could see he was getting wound up but I think even he drew the line at having a go at an old woman.

Other times have been with other neighbours who have parked across our drive and the next door neighbours when they decide to cut across our drive on foot as its a bit quicker to get to their front door than walking down their path.

I think we should just live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere!

No, love, you don't need to move to a house in the middle of nowhere, this dickhead needs to get a grip. His behaviour is unacceptable, and sooner or later, he's going to have it demonstrated to him, quite probably by the police.

Me and the dc used to make jokes about dh being a grouch too, then 4 weeks ago he blew up at dd over her wanting to paint her toenails in our lounge, the carpet would be ruined etc ds said quietly bit of an overreaction? Then dh went berserk at me saying I was manipulative and generally ranting with ds sat next to me cowering. I asked him to stop as he was scaring ds but he wouldn't. Next day I posted on here and was advised to kick him out. I called him home from work and told him I'd had enough and unless he changed he would have to leave. He initially said I was overreacting etc but he quickly realised I was serious. He was/is devastated but things have dramatically changed. He is having therapy (been 3 times so far) it's not anger management as, as someone already said, if he can control it in certain situations that's not the issue. We are a long way from being fixed and I'm still not sure that's possible but things are better, dh is engaging with the dc and taking a more active role in being a father to them and they are much happier. I am much stronger in myself although have had nightmares about dh reverting and I feel very guarded about our future but I'm no longer frightened and if the way forward long term is me and the dc without him then that's ok. Sorry for the hijack, the point I'm trying to make is don't leave it to get worse op tackle it now, and is he isn't prepared to change, start making plans for an escape

OP, I have thought a lot about this and my conclusion is that my DH doesn't do subtle. He is very straightforward, which can be a good thing sometimes, but where as most of us temper our behaviour because we are very aware of consequences, his belief in being right drives him on regardless.
If I told you some of the stories about him and parking I would out myself totally....better not.
If it is any consolation, OP, we have had a very long and mainly happy marriage. I don't respect all of his views; in fact we are polar opposites about most things, but he is essentially a good person, if not a deep thinker.
It would be so lovely if we could all have perfect DH's, but then they might expect to have perfect DW's. Not gonna happen.

Blimey, anon I admire you hugely for taking a stand. Fair play to your DH. My X bawled out my mild- mannered 7yr old for pretty much nothing, as she hung up her Xmas stocking on Xmas eve prior to going to bed. I almost left him for that (actually packed bags but then caught swine flu on Xmas day!). It took a few years after that but eventually I kicked him out.

If it ever got to the stage where my children or I felt unsafe or scared of dh, I would not hesitate to pack our things and go but I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

I think dh has some kind of warped primal territorial issue or something.
He doesn't direct aggression at us.
I'm not excusing him as its not nice to live with that feeling of dread when someone parks across the drive and wondering if dh has noticed.

Bitofkipper How do you deal with your dh in those circumstances?

I had a partner for two years who was just like this - red mist, all 'justified' incidents, protecting what was 'his'. I never felt threatened because it was all quite 'logical'. But I felt ashamed of him, I felt empty and sick inside whenever it happened, I felt 'low' when i thought about it, I was anxious when i thought he might 'kick off' at someone or something. He got angry with me to, but I 'learnt' to de-fuse it.

He said he loved me more than anything. He was honest and generous. We would have stayed together forever and we had dreams of our future.

I walked away one day after his last outburst about a pizza man keeping him waiting in a shop (I threw a calzone pizza at his head on the way out ). It's now one of the biggest red flags in my relationship search - and I now refer to it as my 'abusive' relatationship.
Oh, and I felt ashamed of being with him when he behaved like that.

OP, On the rare occasion recently that I've noticed someone even close to our driveway I have called him to get out there quick and sort it out. I turn it into a joke and it seems to diffuse the situation. If he spots them first all bets are off.
When we go to the supermarket he usually parks as far away as possible from the entrance. Usually I remark that the walk will do me good, sometimes I have a moan if it's raining. Unless he feels that his car is in a safe place he will get stressed so I let it go.
I think he has a type of OCD that manifests itself in certain areas concerning keeping his possessions safe and not parting with things.
If you can do it OP humour is the way to go. It isn't always possible and it may not be right for you. Sometimes (rarely) my husband will be able to laugh at himself if I lead the way.
"Warped primal territorial issue" is a good description.

Hi kaizen - your story sounds very familiar to me. Yes, that feeling in the pit of the stomach, when you know he is about to humiliate you in public, by being unacceptably rude and aggressive to someone who doesn't deserve it. I remember being anxious whenever exH was around other people - cafes, restaurants, my friends; or when people came into our house to do stuff - a woman came round to measure up for some upholstery once and he was unbearably rude to her - for no reason at all! It must be over 6 years ago now, but I still feel a wave of hot shame when I think about it. Partially I'm ashamed because I feel I let it happen and did not come to her rescue. People know. She knew. People can tell what is going on when they come into your house. A decorator came to the house to do a quote - he had been recommended by a good friend of mine. We didn't hire him, but when he next did a bit of work for my friend he asked after me - I didn't know him from Adam. He was told her he worried about me and that he hadn't like the way my husband spoke to me. This was a five minute encounter and I thought I was covering perfectly. Just shows.

After a while I stopped trying to intervene when he was like this to a third party because I didn't want him to turn on me. Of course he did turn on me a few years down the line. And it was this righteous anger where he had absolute certainty that he was right and I was wrong and NEVER apologised even when I was begging him to stop. I felt I had made some pact with the devil i.e. 'I don't mind what he does to other people as long as he's nice to me' sort of deal. This makes me feel very ashamed and humiliated that I did not stand up for other people before he turned on me. I think they call that grooming, for want of a better word. I was groomed perfectly by all the previous incidents, so I knew when he used his anger/hatred/temper - call it what you will - on me I knew well and truly how scary he was.

I look back and feel duped. I made excuses because I told myself that deep down he was a kind, loyal and decent person. And that he loved me.

Sorry - don't want to hi-jack Brightlights - my story need not be your story. But I do think this stuff needs to be taken seriously because it is like pulling a thread on a jumper. It can be so indicative of other things. Important things like love, kindness, care and respect. Things I thought I would always have.

Poppy. I'm glad you're rid of him as he sounds really horrible. Feel free to post what you want :)

Dh would never be rude to random people in cafes or restaurants or people coming over or a pizzaman keeping him waiting. In fact, he's the opposite. He always engages people in amiable and humorous conversations and is often good at finding a common ground to talk to people about. He's never rude to me or belittles me.
This is why I'm finding this hard to deal with as most (and I mean most) of the time he's nice but this irrational over reaction and aggression is something I don't get or want to deal with. It's the cause of nearly all our arguments as I hate it so much and refuse to agree with him.

BitofKipper I'll try that approach. And yes, dh always parks as far away from entrances as possible too, even in fairly empty car parks.