Dh seems to have only two modes - nice or aggressive

[BrightLightsAtNight]

Often, he's nice, funny and sensitive but if he gets even slightly annoyed about something, he goes into full aggressive mode.
I can handle it and think he's just being a twat but yet again, I have to face neighbours this morning after he's had a go at somebody about something stupid.
A kid kicked a ball that hit his car while I was out. Ok, so the kid needed to be told to not kick a ball so it hits cars, but dh goes into full lunatic mode and has a go at the parents for being irresponsible and not teaching their child manners etc.

I'm so embarrassed. I can't face the neighbours across the road either after a huge row one night because they parked a car across our drive and now I've got the school run to face and I know the mum will be there. I don't know if she'll want to talk to me or not but I feel shit about it.

I had a huge argument last night with dh after he told me what happened because I think he over reacts. He thinks he's just protecting whats his. Even in our argument, he was swearing and angry as he felt I wasn't supporting him. I tell him that he doesn't realise how aggressive he comes across. He has no diplomacy skills whatsoever.
I don't know what to do as I'm fed up of it.

My mother has been telling my father this for 45 years. It has never made a jot of difference. Over the decades he has driven away his kids, his grandkids, his neighbours, lost countless jobs and wrecked many friendships and sources of support for her.

And yet...there she stays. A sad state of affairs indeed. He can be nice you see. When he wants to, when he needs to, when it looks like she might have left him (that hasn't happened for about 10 years now, I would say as she has given up). Oh, and he loves her and makes promises he never keeps.

They all think I'm some poor down trodden wife living with a mad man but its not like that

You are and it is.

Anyfucker I'm sorry your father is like that but I don't think dh is that extreme. If you ask most people who know him on a personal level, they'll say he's funny, nice, generous etc and they'd actually be shocked that he acts like this.
He seems to reserve this for people he thinks have slighted him and not respected his space and property.

When I talk to my mum about it, she said it started in smaller ways too < shrug >

Scarletforya no I'm not and no it isn't.

I've been married to dh for 15 years so I think I know him by now. I do think he's getting worse as he's getting older though.

We've had yet another argument about this and he still insists he's in the right and says why should he let a kid get away with damaging his car when he never acted like that when he was younger and our kids don't.
He's also got friends who seem to validate what he does, which is what he just said. I did say that of course his friends would agree. I'd even agree that you would do something about it but your friends don't see how you dealt with it which is what is wrong.

It's your life OP. I've been there and had the t-shirt. He's abusive you know. They're all nice in between. And loads of women start off independant and confident, until they end up broken down, isolated and cringing.

I'd love to know how he would react if the shoe was on the other foot and some big bully went off like that on his son for a similar crime?

He'd blow his top I'll bet.

Your children may suffer in the short term, because everyone else will know their father is like this. In the longer term, is this an example you want your kids to grow up to emulate?

Sorry.

"I'm sorry your father is like that but I don't think dh is that extreme. If you ask most people who know him on a personal level, they'll say he's funny, nice, generous etc and they'd actually be shocked that he acts like this.
He seems to reserve this for people he thinks have slighted him and not respected his space and property".

And what if said person had not really slighted him at all, quite apart from the fact that his reaction to this is totally disproportionate and him acting like the world has fallen off its axis.

Many abusive men are infact plausible to those in the outside world. Its when the mask, which they cannot maintain slips, that their true nature emerges.

What do you think people think of you as his wife. His behaviour is also affecting you and you feel bad. Many certainly do not like your H and probably feel a mix of pity and dismay for you. Sympathy for you from your neighbours will soon run out if it has not done so already.

But a football bouncing off a car isn't going to damage it, is it? It's no good your OH saying 'what if it damaged the car?'. It didn't. Why doesn't he save his anger for when things actually DO happen.

I would have just smiled at a ball bouncing off my car, and I have a car I love. I would take it up with the child/parents if he was throwing stones at cars, but a bouncing football? That's ridiculous. I would hate to worry about what my OH was going to say to neighbours.

Of all the emotions that could ever be levelled at me by others pity is the one that would affect me most of all

You can hate me, you can ridicule me but fgs,, don't pity me. I would not tolerate being made an object of pity for anyone

Most people who are friends with my X say he is funny, kind, cheerful, considerate, sociable, a man of principal, enthusiastic dad. It's only my two closest friends who know/see/feel his anger. Eight months on, my story is still unfolding IRL as people simply cannot believe we are talking about the same person.

OP, your post sounded so familiar to me because your DH sounds just like my DH's twin. Mine however only loses his temper a few times a year and it's almost always over his car or the driveway.
He is popular and friendly and people who have known him for years may never witness his temper; they are incredulous when they do.
I have read most of this thread to him and he feels that your DH is perfectly justified in his views, echoing them word for word.
I tell him that he's pathetic; he thinks that he's right.

It can be quite hard to respect someone who puts possessions above people.

I am struggling to "get" why Op posted tbh. Since the Op all she has done is try to minimise or justify his actions in some way.

If a kid kicked a ball against my car, I'd think "its an accident, Oh well!". I'd be slightly miffed about it, yes, but kids are kids. I sure as hell would not be hightailing it round to the parents to have a go at them. This is extreme behaviour and (imo) highly probably directed at them for some other reason. Just an excuse to "have a go at someone, anyone, for anything" pent up anger for something else perhaps? either way your Dh has an extreme anger management problem.

I always tell my husband that I will only support him if I believe he is right, and justified in his actions.

He is reasonably easy-going most of the time though and wouldn't actually do what the OP's husband did, though he would ruminate about it behind closed doors and I would be the one to advise him to tone it down and not make a twat of himself. Fortunately, he usually listens even if he argues stubbornly at the time and he does often admit that he relies on me being the voice of reason for him.

Kids kicking balls against cars can be a problem and may cause damage, but few are doing it maliciously. Mostly they are just playing a game and the ball accidentally strays.

Therefore, OP, your husband is being too extreme in his reactions. He is also totally failing to understand the impact his stupid behaviour may be having on his own son. It is behaviour I would NOT support, and I would tell the neighbours that just so that they didn't think I was complicit. Fortunately, it has never come to that in this house, mine always climbs down eventually when he has dug himself a hole.

'am struggling to 'get' why Op posted tbh'

Seems bit harsh, Thelastnameleft?

Hi OP,
So, honestly, why have you posted? I do mean to challenge you - but gently. I think there is worry in your post about what your DH might do next. It's not serious just yet - you say 'I can handle it' - but I you are obviously worried about whether other people can, and this makes you insecure. I would certainly feel insecure with his ability to blow up at any time, and what if he turns on you one day?

The reality is you just don't know what is round the next corner - who is he going to be rude to next? This keeps you on tenterhooks rather. And when will his next outburst of unaccepable, anti-social behaviour occur, as it surely will? You are not sure. And in turn, the question is when will you be next be embarrassed or humiliated in front of your neighbours? I would find that extremely uncomfortable. It is sort of 'minor' but at the same time it has a nasty impact on you and this undermines your understanding of him as a fundamentally decent person. This is key.

And what will other people think? Gosh, they must think you are some poor downtrodden wife when nothing could be further from the truth! What they probably see is a really nice, strong, intelligent and feisty woman continually trying to cover for her obnoxious husband. 'Poor Brightlights,' they're probably thinking...'she such a nice person, how awful to have to put up with him.' That's probably what a lot of people secretly do thiink, I'm afraid. And that's what you have an inkling of.

He sounds scary enough to me. I think posters on here are wanting to tell you it is probably the thin end of a well-travelled wedge and this is the very thing you don't want to hear. It is not a club anyone want to join. MNers do know what they're talking about though. You are right to be concerned OP. You started this thread. You are just not sure what can of worms you are opening for yourself and most of you - understandably - doesn't want to lift the lid.

Most people on here get that. You don't want people to tell you unpalatable truths because you really don't feel ready and they ARE unpalatable. If that's the case, just try to feel that you are supported on here and you will get support whatever you choose to put here. Don't get scared off and do continue to post. It is helpful to clear your head on this stuff.

Handywoman, didnty mean to sound harsh at all, sorry if it read that way. The issue is mine, hence why I said "Im struggling to get"

*didn't (damn typos)

TheLastName I am not trying to justify his actions. I think I've been explaining how he has been trying to justify his actions. I think his actions are awful.

BitofKipper I think you're right about the Twin! Dh loses it rarely too. The thing with the car on the driveway happened 2 yrs ago. Maybe that's why I don't see what everyone is trying to make me see. It doesn't happen very often and most of the time he's a normal, decent person.
When it does happen its totally out of all proportion. I really don't understand it and hate it.

I guess I posted because I felt so low about the latest incident.

Sorry you are feeling low OP. I know how it feels.

I think the only thing to do is have 'The Talk'... which means saying that this is not how you want things to be. His outbursts may be rare, but they are severe and they really affect you. It doesn't matter what he thinks about the neighbours or what they think of him, it matters that YOU care. You want him to show that he cares enough about you to be concerned about your feelings in this matter.

You need to tell him what is at stake. This needs to happen in a calm conversation. I think one of the problems is that he is liable to get aggressive and sweary with you for trying to have this conversation. So maybe you can schedule this talk... can you make both make an appointment to have this conversation? And if it turns out that he can't have a reasonable conversation with you about your relationship, then that's another thing again...

Good luck.

Thank you Poppy.

We've had this talk before, when it happened last time. He still thinks he's in the right about every time he's reacted like this. I can't make him see how much of an over reaction it is. He thinks if he doesn't react then he's a walkover.

He was being his total normal self yesterday and today. He'll be happy and cheerful but if I bring it up again then its like he's had a personality transplant.

It might be better if it comes from a third party, like a counsellor.

Ultimately this is about his respect for you and your feelings. It's not about the neighbours and him not being a walkover. He needs to care enough about YOU and your feelings to address this. There's the rub. He should be concerned that he's upset you so much - this should be more important than always being right. This is the issue that is nagging at you.

You are not dreaming this up.

I grew up with a neighbour who was 'mr angry'. Most of the time he was a very nice man but over the course of a few years he managed to argue with all the neighbours and all his family. He would be heard by the whole street shouting at someone who parked too close to his driveway or some other minor incident. His children all moved far away as soon as they could as they found him an embarrassment. His wife stayed with him but used to spend far too much time apologising for him and, yes, we all pitied her.

Losing your temper and bullying people by shouting abuse is not acceptable but it is forgivable if an apology follows. If your DH can't see that his behaviour is upsetting you and refuses to acknowledge your feelings, then you have a much bigger problem than his anger.

Poppy hits the nail on the head here. I put up with an awful lot of low-level stress/anxiety/fear/dread/intimidating due to my X and his entitled, crappy behaviour. In the end it got so bad I started antidepressants. I always believed that ultimately, he cared about my feelings.

He exited the marriage after 15 years in a way that emphatically demonstrated that actually he does not, in fact, care about my feelings. It was a pretty massive wake-up call. I am still adjusting to that and trying to forgive myself for trying so hard for so long. I ended things last June and things are still pretty raw for me.

Please don't find yourself in my position of leaving it so long. You need some clarity on this situation. I believe that's why you have posted. Listen to Poppy –she is giving you clarity – and consider counselling for yourself, on your own. Please do keep posting

Quick question OP. Sorry if this has already been asked. Does your DH lose his temper like this so quickly and irrationally at work? Or is he able to control himself?

I second the video idea. Sounds like the red mist descends and he just refuses to see reason about it. He needs to actually see his behaviour and language. If he then continues to think that this is ok, then you know.