An I wrong in thinking that this is quite normal?

[pyjamaramadrama]

For your sex life to die down a bit when you have children/have been together a long time?

Lately, the past two months or so we've hardly had sex, ds is 5 now so it can be difficult.

We were having sex two or three times a week at least, about two years ago ds walked in on us one early morning, I was absolutely mortified. He was only 3 so I'm hoping he will never remember. But I can't relax the same way.

I've asked dp to put a lock on the bedroom door over and over but he hasn't done anything about it.

We're always knackered last thing at night and I've been bleeding really heavily lately not on my totm (think I may have had a very early miscarriage). So that hasn't helped either.

Dp likes to come onto me weekend mornings when ds is downstairs watching TV but I just don't think that this is right.

I've suggested we have a few nice nights when ds is in bed, light a couple of candles, or have a film night, which might instigate something in the early evening, but he shows no interest.

I've suggested we go out and ds stay at families house, but he's not interested. I've begged him to surprise me one afternoon even with just a drive out, go for a walk, picnic in the car, we've enough people who'd gave ds for a few hours, but he's never done it. I've asked him to book a day off work while ds is at school and we will stay in bed all day, again I'm met with nothing.

Yet he is accusing me of not loving him, it must be that I don't fancy him, our relationship is dead because we don't have sex.

It's only been like this a couple of months and we did actually have sex this morning which I instigated, as we were up so early.

He's being unfair right?

Mummy time it was my dp who said our relationship is dead not someone here.

It's always possible but I don't think he is.

We have been having less sex but it's been due to circumstances and the lack of sex is just a new thing for him to complain about as the sulking and blaming isn't a new behaviour for him.

Before this it's been me asking him to do things round the house and various other things.

He might moan about the money or leave it all for me to organise as in he won't look for a film he wants to see and unless I bang on and on about it it just doesn't happen.

I've suggested a drive out a car picnic and a walk he pulls a face like it's a naff idea, I say book a day off work he says he will, but he doesn't and now he's suggesting he has a week off by himself when he knows I can't have any time off.

I agree with others who say he is a selfish manchild, I'm afraid.

I was married to one of these. I told him (alright, may have shouted it in drunken annoyance) several times, do some housework, and do something romantic and he is more likely to get the result he wants. His behaviour did not change, mine did: I divorced him.

I would go on a hunting mission, love. There is a reason he is acting like this, you just don't know it yet. And it appears he is quite happy to watch you squirm and doubt yourself. He knows what is wrong but chooses to keep you in the dark.

I agree with AF.

You have made plenty of suggestions for a better sex life, he is setting you up to fail, the question is why.

You've made suggestions and he's vetoed every one of them. He needs to compromise and take up some of your suggestions or come up with a workable solution himself.

Having said that it, it appears that he doesn't want to do anything with you at all. He could well have already checked out of/is in the process of checking out of the relationship and is trying to place the blame with you.

From what you've said I'm struggling to understand why you would want to continue in a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

L

Oops!

Let me guess he's a great dad and when he isn't being a totally insensitive bully who cannot take responsibility he'd lovely and you get on great?

Hmm, he sounds like he's setting it up to fail. I wonder why.

I mean the most shocking thing to me is that since you started to have what you believe to be a miscarriage he had taken to trying to bully and threaten you about sex as well as all the other things he bullies you about... Unforgiveable...

I think maybe I'm having a relationship by myself and he knows it but pretends to blame me.

Any new habits with his phone, social life, internet usage, work colleagues of the female variety etc?

Ah, no - let's not jump to conclusions. Sounds more like you're both a bit nackered and stuck in a rut tbh, and yes in my mind that's pretty normal. Not nice, but pretty normal.

I'd save the money some people will suggest you spend on a private investigator and get booked in to a nice hotel for a weekend or similar to try and get a bit of intimacy back etc.

Good luck

I'm definitely not going to be snooping, I couldn't be arsed, sure he could be cheating but I don't think his behaviour is indicative of cheating because it's not really new behaviour for him. He's always got some complaint or another.

I think it's more about him only having one foot or little toe in family life so using any excuse to blame me for anything that's less than perfect and sulk.

I'd love to book a hotel and we used to do that sort of thing, but it's always me who has to suggest these things, plan it, find out prices etc and if it's crap I have the cloud of doom over me that it was all my idea.

He also insists on reading all my MN stuff and even when I name change he still manages to find what I've written.

When I try to talk he takes it all as criticism I want to find simple solutions his attitude is if I don't like it fuck off.

Well if that's what he wants that's what he can have.

Iveheard did you miss the bit where the op has repeatedly suggested what you did and he vetos it ?

and who mentioned private investigator ?

Cross posted with OP

When I try to talk he takes it all as criticism I want to find simple solutions his attitude is if I don't like it fuck off.

I suggest you take him at his word. This joy sucking twat doesn't deserve you.

Oh aye - I did (genuinely). WHOOPS!

Wasn't being serious RE investigator BTW x

He also insists on reading all my MN stuff.

Argh! I'm cringing! Don't suggest a hotel. He sounds weird.

Agree with that, Iveheard.

Yep to both.

I know I've said already but it's like this.

My sister bought us tickets for the oldest working cinema, mainly non mainstream films, it has sofas, handmade nibbles and you can drink wine/beer whatever while you watch the film. Team it with a meal out and we would make a night of it. Do you think I can get him to show an ounce of enthusiasm?

I spent a good few hours Sunday looking at hotels in London for his birthday coming up, I found some good deals. Nice things to do when we get there. This is what he said he wanted to do.

Last night I mention ds birthday and what he wants to do and apparently all I care about is arranging things for ds, I'm using dp as an accessory to come along with my plans for ds.

Aargh, bangs head against wall.

Seriously though thanks for listening.