Think I've had an epiphany about my friends

[giannna]

Today, suddenly. I've realised that I just don't have any friends. I thought that I had plenty but when I think about it, it is always me that makes effort. If I made no effort and stopped phoning, texting and facebooking people tomorrow then no one would bother at all.

This may sound a small thing but it is the straw that broke the camel's back. Today it has been my daughter's birthday. I did a facebook status about it being her birthday and most of my friends just "liked" the post, and couldn't even be arsed to type a happy birthday to my daughter. This is despite me remembering their birthdays, their children's birthdays.

A mutual friend's daughter also had a birthday today and they were all out in force on her status wishing her daughter a happy birthday.

No one ever wants to chat to me if it's about me. They all just want me to listen to them and then just switch off if ever I mention anything about me. I saw one friend this morning on the school run, who always likes to chat. She asked me how I was today and instead of saying great like I normally do I said that I was tired, and she just walked off.

Again, I know this sounds a small petty thing but it's just confirmed to me what I guess I've known inside. I've been through a really hard time in recent months and no one ever asks anything about me or what things are like for me.

I have been through this in the past and decided not to bother having friends anymore as it was just too much effort. I had about 3 months to myself where I didn't contact anyone. I am thinking of doing the same thing again. There doesn't seem to be any point.

Find some friends that care enough to ask how you are.... Life is to short for shallow people x

I just don't think I have it in me to try with anyone anymore, SweetiePie.

I don't know what to do to change how people treat me. I try to be upbeat, not needy, supportive, caring etc. I think I must just be an insipid person.

I know how you feel but I find its because im a good listener that people always want to see me to tell me about their lives. I always say something good and help them to feel better. I realised the same as you that I am a giver and that my "friends" were all people who take. So I also started talking more about me and my life and do you know what....they didn't like it. They weren't interested or happy for me. They just turned it back to them. So I let them go.

You don't sound in the least insipid! You do, however, indeed sound a bit tired. How has life been for you recently?

Don't get me wrong, I do like listening to people its just that its nice to have people take an interest back isn't it. The facebook thing is very upsetting isn't it.

It's really great that you've recognised that some people just aren't your friends.

It's very hurtful. You will dwell on it for some time.

But stop looking to them, contacting them, urging them to post/meet up or whatever. It's time to go quietly silent and fade from their view.

It doesn't matter if they barely notice. It doesn't. They barely noticed when you were in full comms mode anyway.

You are in for a lonely few months. But it is a good thing. It's a chance for you to notice and invest in other people. New people.

Look for the quieter parents at the school gate, for example. Befriend them slowly and surely.

I only talk from my experience. I was binned by someone I thought was my dear friend. It forced me to make an effort with new people and it has honestly been a blessing. I've met such great people. People I wouldn't have even noticed before.

Sack the lot you're trying so hard with now. Have some pride and either make them do all the running from now on or just avoid them full stop.

It's the start of something new for you.

I've been feeling a bit like this lately, gianna, I deactivated my FB and quite a few people on there have my number but not one has missed me enough to text or call. Ho hum.
It sounds like people turn to you for support but aren't the type to give it. It's a crap deal when as soon as you feel down, they're not interested. Sounds familiar and I totally sympathise.

Try not to worry too much. I have a few friends that if I didn't phone them they wouldn't bother phoning me and then get annoyed if I don't phone them for ages! I don't think Facebook actually brings out the best in people and seems to cause a lot of problems. Try and cultivate real life friendships and not dwell too much about how many people comment on your FB page.

Thanks for the replies.

I honestly feel like just ditching each and every one of them. I'm so upset. I just feel like I get nothing from any of my friendships, ever.

So ditch them. They are not bringing anything to your life are they. They are not enriching it nor being there for you. They don't phone you. That's not friendship.

Sounds like it is time to look for new friends. Mind you I can see both sides. I have been the listener to the point that I saw myself as just one huge ear. But I am also very passive and wait for people to phone, write, whatever. I know it is a fault born of my insecurities and sometimes feel I should contribute to my friends' phone bills.

Try to remind yourself of what you like doing & find interesting, I think it's possible to have friends of circumstance (like same age children or from work) with whom you have nothing in common, friends who you click with are much longer lasting. Can you redevelop your interests & go from there?

Winky's post is excellent - particularly regarding seeking out the quieter mums at the school gate etc.

I wouldnt worry to much anout Facebok...its awful. Try to tell people things in real life and see what thr reaction is.

Ditch them then op. but do it quietly with no drama.and just be polite and distant if you see them in real life.

You know what they are like now so if you give them a chance to do it again to you then it becomes your fault.

Thanks everyone

I know it sounds mad but I just feel like I don't have any energy for friendships anymore. I just feel really flat and like I cannot be bothered. I'm mid thirties now and have spent most of my life trying to have meaningful friendships and I just fail miserably.

A friend popped round randomly this morning for a cup of tea but just wanted to talk about herself and I think I must have made it obvious that I just wasn't listening and didn't give a monkeys as she kept asking if I was ok.

I think I need some space really. I'm going to have a few weeks of not contacting any friends and just see who bothers with me really.

I think you do need a rest. You will feel more positive once you're not in touch with these people. They are 'drains' not 'radiators'.

Be lonely for a bit. But it is positive because your energies aren't being depleted by negative people.

It sounds like you may benefit from focussing inward OP. Nurturing yourself rather than externalising and expecting others to make you feel better. That isn't meant to sound as harsh as comes across and it's not intended as a criticism. The people we have in our lives reflect who we are and what we think of ourselves. Learning to be happy with who you are regardless of other peoples' comments -or lack thereof - will draw friends who reflect your contentment.

As other posters have said upthread, it's time to rest. Good luck

Sometimes we choose people with problems as friends as we then feel empowered to help them and solve their problems and make them feel better which in turn makes us feel better cause we feel needed. However then you realise that you are only needed because you allow them to unload and dump on you which will always drain you emotionally and bring you down. Like a poster above said, you need to work out "why" you feel you choose friends like that. Sometimes its because we are insecure that people will just like us as we are. Sometimes its that we don't want people to see the real "us" so we make it all about them. But then you get to the point where you are at now OP and you realise that its not what you want and something has to change. I also agree with the poster above that maybe you need to do some positive work on yourself so that you don't attract these kind of people into your life anymore.......im doing that at the moment. Cut old friends out of my life a couple of years ago and am making new ones but also learning about what makes me tick along the way. Its not always easy to learn more about ourselves but its interesting.

Sorry the poster above was poorincashrichinloveby the way....great name

Gianna, the final test of "modern friendship" is to delete altogether your Facebook account. The people who are still in touch after that are your real friends, the ones who don't even bother to contact you again, aren't.

As simple as that. I did it more than a year ago. It was hard the first few months, as I realised that I kept in touch with only a handful of people, as opposed with the hundreds I had on my FB list.

I don't have many friends now, but I try to live in the real world, have a cup of coffee, chat if I can, rather than get all anxious and stressed because someone from years ago didn't say "happy birthday".

See, I'd love it if a friend popped round randomly for a cup of tea. I think you're lucky - just doesn't happen in my life. Just to give you another perspective!

Hope you are OK Giannna and that your DD had a lovely birthday.

I totally understand where you are coming from...this is my friendship status too!

However, and a very happy birthday to your gorgeous dd ??
It's my birthday too - all the best people