Think I've had an epiphany about my friends

[giannna]

Today, suddenly. I've realised that I just don't have any friends. I thought that I had plenty but when I think about it, it is always me that makes effort. If I made no effort and stopped phoning, texting and facebooking people tomorrow then no one would bother at all.

This may sound a small thing but it is the straw that broke the camel's back. Today it has been my daughter's birthday. I did a facebook status about it being her birthday and most of my friends just "liked" the post, and couldn't even be arsed to type a happy birthday to my daughter. This is despite me remembering their birthdays, their children's birthdays.

A mutual friend's daughter also had a birthday today and they were all out in force on her status wishing her daughter a happy birthday.

No one ever wants to chat to me if it's about me. They all just want me to listen to them and then just switch off if ever I mention anything about me. I saw one friend this morning on the school run, who always likes to chat. She asked me how I was today and instead of saying great like I normally do I said that I was tired, and she just walked off.

Again, I know this sounds a small petty thing but it's just confirmed to me what I guess I've known inside. I've been through a really hard time in recent months and no one ever asks anything about me or what things are like for me.

I have been through this in the past and decided not to bother having friends anymore as it was just too much effort. I had about 3 months to myself where I didn't contact anyone. I am thinking of doing the same thing again. There doesn't seem to be any point.

I agree with all the advice on here. Go quiet and see what happens. Those that pick up the phone are worth bothering with; those that don't, dont bother with! If noone calls then find new friends. Don't give up on it. There will be people out there in the same position as you who would love a friend like you!

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this Gianna. I have felt like this a few times in my life.

One thought I had is I wondered if you feeling like this is a result of being depressed, at least in part? You feel as if everyone you know is treating you the same way, but at least one friend valued you enough to pop round and chat, and recognised you weren't feeling yourself by asking if you were OK. Is there one person you could open up to about how you are feeling and the difficulties you are having? FB is evil in making us feel we should all have hundreds of friends, and using very shallow measures of who-likes-who-more. In reality most of us have 3-4 true friends, and a group of more shallow acquaintances who pass the time (i.e. through toddler groups etc.)

I'm totally not invalidating what you say or how you feel. It's just when I get depressed I feel exactly like this - that I don't have any real friends and no one likes me. When I feel better about myself my social life always feels more enriching, and it is that way round. I'd counter what others say by ditching everyone - this seems like it could just bring more drama in your life and longer term you might be sorry. Doing a 'flounce' can be quite exposing (I have learned this the hard way). Instead maybe focus on one or two friends who are worth your time and don't worry about the rest.

Hi OP
I agree with Scarlett. It's madness to ditch friends just for not being proactive in contacting you. Generally as people get older they do tend to contact friends less.
You do have friends. They pop round for tea. Are you sure it isn't that you have been going into your shell a bit and don't like talking about yourself so they talk about themselves more? I am quite an outgoing person but not when it comes to problems. If I have personal shit going on I tend be reticent in talking and get a bit quiet; I can then feel a bit resentful of my more open friends who discuss with me every thought, feeling, problem and decision they have to make. I start to feel they aren't interested in me. But actually they are and they are my friends but it's not their responsibilty to make me open up. Maybe I'm projecting my own experience and feelings about friendship but just trying to help you get some perspective.
As for the FB thing; it's ridiculous. Please don't worry about whether you get a comment or just a like. It's not real. And ignore advice to ditch your friends. Get new ones by all means but don't ditch the old ones.

I don't think OP is feeling this way just because her friends don't contact her. From what I read in her post she feels that she listens to them talk about all their problems and they never reciprocate and she tested her theory on a friend at the school gate. When op started to say how she really felt rather than saying she was fine, her friend just walked away. And this morning when her friend came for coffee it was to offload her problems on OP .

The friend who popped round asked her if she was okay because the op wasn't the usual listening ear!

There is no harm in fading from view for a while to take stock. The op's true friends will stay with her.

I'd echo winky's original advice. I was "dropped" by what I thought were friends last year after suffering with mental health problems.

I've since developed my relationships with other friends and developed friendships with new ones - and things are much better than they were. Let them go...it will end well x

When your friend asked if you were ok what was your reply?

Where are you Gianna? Maybe someone on here could help? If you're anywhere near me I'm always keen to make new friends (central belt of Scotland). Although if you're doing something unwittingly that comes across as rude I'd be honest enough to tell you as I think you sound self aware enough to change. I doubt you are though. I think a lot of it is just luck. I'm early thirties by the way but always open to meeting new people of any age and background.

I had good friends at school and uni but when they all started moving away I found it really hard to make new ones. I felt I kept trying and all of my efforts went nowhere and I didn't understand it. And then something changed and in the last year I've made at least 20 new lovely friends from various different sources. I think if you can find one or two key people who are sociable and friendly then that opens other doors. But to some degree it's like online dating. It's a numbers thing. If you just keep putting yourself out there then eventually you will click with someone but you have to meet loads of people you don't get on with so well first (unless you're lucky).

I don't think anyone told her the op to drop her friends. I certainly didn't. I meant as winky said to drop back and not bother making contact with them to see what happens. It can be very stressful and hurtful when you feel like you are the one making all the effort. They may rise up to the plate and prove her wrong or it may leave her free to makeother friednships. Whatever happens, its not your fault OP. I think friendships are about luck in some regards and the fact everyone comes to you with their problems means you are highly regarded even if you are not getting what you wanted out of it. What I am advising, is not dropping people, but backing off and making more time to meet other people who may give you more fun/pleasure/ time and just seeing hwat happens so take the pressure off yourself